How do you guys do the "no contact" thing?

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Update: it's been a week and I haven't heard from her.

Now remember how I told you that AFTER she messaged me three times in a row (with a day or two between each message) I finally DID reply and then we messaged back and forth that night. So you can't exactly say my lack of response PRIOR TO that is the reason. So could it simply be that when she sent me those three messages she didn't want to talk either and she only pretended that she wanted to talk since she thought I wanted to talk?

I mean here is how conversation ended. She said she was going to bed and wished me luck on the homework. I said thanks. So since I was the one who sent her the very last message -- "thanks" -- it's her turn to message me, don't you think?

It seems like you are playing games. You ghost her for several days. Now you are talking about who is suppose to make the next conversation (turn taking). Do what becomes natural. Be direct, be decisive, be honest!

Also it seems like your are overanalyzing every encounter and you are pulling her into these conversations. This is probably a turn-off.

When she asked you about your visit to your mother. This might be a general conversation topic. But it may have a more significant meaning. If a girl wants to assess the integrity of a man sometimes all she has to do is see how a man treats his mother. It is an old school perception that the way he treats his mother will be the same way he treats his potential wife in the future. In your case your refused to answer the question. This might lead her to believe you were hiding something - something that was important.

I know very little about 7th day adventist. A quick search on the Internet shows that they have 28 core beliefs. One of these 28 deals with Marriage and the Family. So I looked this one up. MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY Within this description it reads: Regarding divorce, Jesus taught that the person who divorces a spouse, except for fornication, and marries another, commits adultery.
You wrote "So my first ex was treating me like a little kid." So I wonder if this element (previous marriage) was part of your conversation with her and her viewpoint.

I know why it SOUNDED like it was several days: prior to her third message I was INTENDING to ghost her for a month or more. But, unfortunately, I didn't carry out my intention -- thanks to her third message -- which is precisely why I asked in my OP "how does anyone else ever does it". In any case -- regardless of my intention -- it really didn't end up happening that many days. In fact, I have a chat log so I can count exactly how many days it was. It was four days: her first message was on the 12-th, her second one was on the 14-th and her third one on the 16-th.



Yes she said it was a turn off -- probably few days BEFORE anything I just described. But then I told her how I will improve and asked her if she made up her mind not to date me, she said she didn't make up her mind.



Actually she didn't use the word "mother" in those messages. Here are her three messages word for word:

October 12: How are things going in California?

October 14: Hey, how's it going? Are you back from California yet?

October 16: How are you? How was your trip to California? Did you want to chat at all this week?

Of course by "California" she meant visit to my mom. But are you sure thats what she was thinking of if she didn't mention my mom?

By the way, one thing I DID tell her about interaction with my mom -- before I went from California -- is that I keep my girls from my mom which is why I can't skype with her while in California. Now I was EXPECTING some kind of bad reaction since, most American girls don't understand why I would do it -- but, surprisingly, I didn't get that bad reaction I expected. She told me she understands why I keep my dating life from my parents and that she does the same thing, and went on explaing why she does it.



I didn't say ex-wife, I said ex-girlfriend. I was never married before, and I am against divorce as well.

I see lots of self-sabotage here....

Why don't you send her a message?

If she messages you three times in a row without you responding, that's a pretty good indication that she is interested in talking to you. Had she not been, she would likely either have messaged you once or not at all.

When she messaged you three times without receiving a response, that probably gave her the impression that you aren't interested in talking to her, because getting you to talk to her then was like pulling teeth, so she probably either feels like it's not worth messaging you first since you may just ignore her like you did then, or because she feels like you're not interested in talking to her and wants confirmation that this isn't the case via you initiating the conversation.

If I was her and you ignored me in that manner, I'd probably just let the conversation die after that point unless you made an effort to salvage it.

Same ^^^

What makes it more complicated is that we did back and forth messages AFTER I ignored her those times. So if she is punishing me for ignoring her AFTER that back and forth, this sounds like a delayed response.

Although I remember "delayed response" from other women. For example few years ago there was a girl that ghosted me -- but when she wished me happy July 4 I finally got her to tell me why she ghosted me. Basically it was because I cussed at her due to being angry at someone else. But you see, instead of ghosting me right away, she ghosted me three weeks later. So I was led to believe that, after she told me off for it (which she DID do) and I explained myself, the issue was resolved -- as evident from us talking about other subjects. That's why when -- three weeks later -- she suddenly stopped talking to me, there was no way for me to tell it had anything to do with cussing.

Anyway, the question is: do you think the "delayed response" is the strategy the girl I am discussing right now has used -- except that, instead of delaying it by three weeks, she delayed it by half an hour (the length of our back and forth message exchange that night)?

Speaking of delayed response, what I did was delayed response too. I was upset at her lack of attention earlier thats why I decided to go quiet on her. I guess there is a difference in a sense that the messages I ignored called for response but the messages she ignored didn't. But still the concept is the same.

Do you like her QFT? I think that you must, otherwise you wouldn't be putting in all of this effort to protect your feelings. Maybe open up a little more and see how that goes instead. Take a risk.

I already told her that I like her -- ling before I did that no contact thing. I told her that I like she is from Michigan since I miss that state, I also told her I like she is Adventist because I am Messianic so I combine Jewish and Christian things -- and Adventists do the same. And I also kept asking her whether or not dating is a possibility in the future -- and she said she can't answer that until (a) she learns more about my religion and see how it is compatible with hers (b) we meet in person (yet she tells me she knows it's expensive when I mention the idea of physics conference) and (c) she gets to know me better with other aspects. She also said it was a turn off even I was pushing her for the answer (particularly when I kept asking her whether she decided not to date me each time I said something I THOUGHT might turn her off) but when I asked her whether she decided not to date next in response to this she said "not yet".

All of this refers to a week or more BEFORE those three messages in a row she sent me.

Last edited by QFT on 23 Oct 2019, 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why don't you just say Hi to her?

Because the whole point is to see if she will say hi to me first.

Actually one plan I am thinking of is this. As you recall, I have this long list of problems I need to finish by the end of semester for an overall course grade. I need 30 problems for A+, 27 problems for A, 24 problems for B, 21 problems for C and anything less than that is an F (there is no D in that class). Since they didn't do any deadlines other than the end of a semester, I procrastinated and I only had TWO problems done when I visited California. Right now I have 12 done. What I am thinking of is I won't message her for sure until I get 24 done. Well, I can increase that number to 27 or even 30 depending on how fast I do them, but nothing less than 24 for sure. It is good on several ways:

a) If I get into the argument with her it might disract me from doing those problems

b) Once I do manage to pull myself out of this homework mess, I might be so happy that, no matter what she says, I won't get upset

c) IF she messages me prior to that (my greatest hope) I will be able to stick to my no-response plan this time around since I will have a perfect excuse to tell her once I do reach that number, namely "hey I was so stressed about problems I FORGOT to respond, but guess what, I just got that number today so now we can talk"

But -- as stated in c, I very much DO want her to write to me prior to that -- I just plan not to respond.

If she doesn't write me prior to that, I will write her after reaching that number too -- but on this case it would be a confrontational message asking why did she lose interest.

Last edited by QFT on 23 Oct 2019, 7:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think this is going to work.....

Yeah, I would agree. OP, just talk to her if you want to or break contact/ignore her if you don't. These silly games you're trying to play aren't going to do you any favours.

I think that you should send a brief message, something light and friendly. You will have done all that you can and hopefully, that will allow you to concentrate on your studies.

No, saying "I have done my best" won't help me let go of it. In fact, its diametrically opposite to this. It would make me obsess about her even more. If I message her and hear nothing back -- that is what would make me the most miserable AND the most obsessive.

On the other hand, if she does reply, then she would probably rationalize things with "being busy" for a week and I won't be able to prove to her that if I didn't message her she wouldn't have written back far longer. Well, the way to prove it to her is to do what I am doing now and see how long she doesn't write. I want an honest discussion with her -- and this requires her to HONESTLY admit to me that she distanced away AND WHY.

Great news. Today she, indeed, messaged me. So I am sticking to this part of the plan. I have done 16 problems up till now. So she is not hearing from me until I complete 8 more, at least! And this time I am sticking to it. Its been 9 days between her last message and this one, so I am officially allowed to one-up her Well, HOPEFULLY, it will take a lot LESS than 9 days till the time I do those 8 problems, seeing how I am putting my act together -- in this case I won't be one-upping her I guess Will see But then again who knows, the problems get harder since I started from the easier ones. Or even if I do finish 8 more problems, maybe I still won't message her: remember, 16+8=24 problems will give me a B, and I am shooting for A+. But that I will decide later, depending on how long it takes me to get to THAT point. Anyway, it will be fun to see how many messages she will send me between now and then -- whenever "then" will be Always fun when its THE OTHER PERSON, not me, who is waiting for reply