The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Rejection is scary when the guy has to ask out the girl directly. ie. Will you go out with me this Saturday?
But this is not how most NT guys do it.
It usually happens via friendship circles, friend of friends, workplace...etc. The two clicks in a group settings like several times, and then they communicate each other via social media and stuff.
In my experience, the girl would make it crystal clear , even to the average Aspie, that she wanna spend time with you - like she initiating texting with you etc. In my experience, she would initiate suggesting doing something together.
The direct way only works with super smooth handsome men or in movies.
Our main problem is the lack of a rich social life.
For the most part I agree. My question is this: How do you position yourself so that a girl MIGHT take the initiative to engage you? Or how do you insert yourself into a social group long enough for that to happen? And that's where being a "little" direct is really the only approach you can use. Not to ask someone out on a date, but just to make inroads leading up to that. It's not easy.
Forgive the stream of consciousness rant, but MAYBE telling about my current situation will add some perspective to the whole rejection thing. The short version is I don't really have the network connections to move the needle on getting a new job and improving things. I've never gotten anywhere cold-calling or going direct--or at least when I did, the kinds of jobs I had were far from ideal. As to what this has to do with getting a date, well...exactly what are your options? If you go out expecting to win, whether getting a date or getting a new job, you're going to behave in ways that improve your chances. For me that means casting a wide net, the exact same advice I've given for meeting girls.
I've been a little depressed lately because I'm doing something (not looking for a date) that's putting me on the business end of rejection. I've sent out several job applications, only had one job interview, and they haven't called me back since. In my line of work, openings are seasonal and disappear almost as quick as they open with most of them listed only as a formality (they already know who they're hiring). It's not necessarily that my interview was bad. It's just that there are so many people applying for this particular job that actually GETTING the job is a little like playing the lottery. There IS a little bit of an "old boy" system in place, and you only get the really good jobs if you're well-connected and have a long history of doing well in the field. I had a terrible first year, my second job...well, things could have gone better, but at least I didn't get fired. I was let go from my third job mainly because I was naive to a lot of politics, but more of my issues were related to problems that school was having to begin with. I took it as a sign that I should get out of teaching, and maybe that was a mistake. I prefer taking responsibility for myself and circumstances, but sometimes it's NOT all your fault.
I got my current job through sheer dumb luck--right place, right time. I've done EXCELLENT work there. But at the same time I'm struggling with the same kinds of issues I had at my last two jobs, so the question I get asked is why my program doesn't resemble any program anywhere else. I want to ask, "Well, who's in charge, me or you?" Because if I'm in charge, then there aren't any scheduling problems, nothing in the way of fundraising, and nobody to give me a hard time over what I'm spending money on. But if THEY are in charge, then if they want a better program, then they need to decide how to schedule my classes and where my feeder program is coming from. But I've learned that I can't be held responsible for what someone else did. Be that as it may, it doesn't make me look any more attractive to potential employers.
Nobody out there is just gonna give me a chance UNLESS the job just isn't a priority. They want to fill the position and be done with it. That's not really what I want. But it's a way out of my current situation and is at least an opportunity to take something mediocre at best and transform it into a gold mine. If I get nothing else out of a job like that, it at least shows that I CAN perform the job and make me more hirable elsewhere.
Romantic relationships really aren't that much different. Nobody OWES you a relationship any more than they owe you a job. The reverse is true: You don't owe it to anyone to be in a relationships with them any more than you are obligated to take the first job offer. If you've known someone for a year or more and have a good friendly relationship, you both should know each other well enough by that point to know if a romantic relationship is in the cards. If so, then by the time you've dated about 3 months, you're gonna know if marriage is worth discussing. And if she's iffy on marriage and doesn't share your views on children, it's time to move on. And you can do that without a sloppy breakup. "You know I have feelings for you and I've loved every minute with you. But we're not going in the same direction together, and I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you to get married or have children. That wouldn't be fair. But those are things I want, so maybe it's time we move on. I love you, always will, but it's time for me to go. I wish you the best. I'd love for us to be friends, and you can always talk to me." That last part is just a courtesy--there will be no "just friends" or talking, of course, but things don't have to get ugly, either.
The kind of girl who will "give you a chance" no questions asked may not really be the kind of girl you want to stay with long term. As long as she isn't mental (as in death threats or stalking), she's not a bad friend or short-term romantic partner. She's someone who will give you the experience of being in a relationship and really help you learn a lot about yourself. But if she has low standards, it might turn out she doesn't really put much value in you as a partner. You might get lucky and find the right girl for you this way, sure. I'm not gonna judge that. I'm just saying that you want to be careful. Neither girls nor employers who are desperate or willing to settle can be assumed to have your best interests at heart. Take responsibility, know when to move on, seek opportunity, and pack lightly. Speaking of...my wife is already boxing up non-essentials, sorting out old clothes and toys to donate, and picking out paint. Our house has severe septic issues and we just met with a guy who's gonna replace our system. It's hard to sell or rent a house when the yard looks like a swamp (of course, who am I kidding? The MS Delta IS a swamp!). In seeking a relationship with whoever, sometimes settling in the short term for better long term gains, remember that luck favors the prepared.
Finally, what are you expecting in seeking relationships? Over the last year I've learned to set my expectations high. I don't send out job applications without expecting to get hired. I know that doesn't mean I'm going to get just any job I'm going for. That wouldn't be realistic. However, if you honestly EXPECT a job, it's going to change how you fill out applications, what information you share, how you talk to people, etc. Your expectations shape your mindset so that when you get rejection, you become responsible for it. What did I do wrong? How can I be more attractive? What are they looking for? What did I miss? Did I say something I shouldn't have? And then you systematically correct any potential issues, raise the bar even higher, and give a better performance next time. If I were the one on the other side of the desk and I had several potential new hires, who would I pick? Would I pick me? If you would reject yourself, you can't blame someone else when they do it. So you do the little things that buy you time while you work on yourself.
In attracting girls, again, that might mean giving someone a chance because they give you a chance. MAYBE that ends up being exactly what you want. But you can't count on that happening. But at least you get the experience of NOT being rejected ONCE. If you can be in one relationship, you likely can be in another relationship. And another. And another.
WHEN I leave my current two jobs, I'm not entirely sure how I'm gonna go. One employer has figured out that I'm looking at other jobs. I explained, with all honesty, that LOOKING is a healthy thing that helps me do my current job better. I wasn't lying. But in my other job, I've been mistreated so long that I really won't miss the paycheck or the people. I had a conversation with a choir member that basically went this way, "You can't be in charge of the choir. We need you behind that pee-ann-er." I calmly, gently explained that I never saw myself as someone who just plays piano, but that I'm capable of doing other things and would enjoy serving in an expanded capacity, EVEN IF it's just temporary. If the only faith people show in me is my ability to play piano and nothing else, I have no reason to want to continue in the job. I thought things were going well until my new boss sent an email addressing those concerns. I put MYSELF on report after that. We're heading for a breakup. It's only a matter of time now. And when I leave, I think I'm just gonna ghost them.
I dunno...it's a lot to think about, and I'm not making firm decisions yet or burning bridges, not even with the church. Neither job deserves any explanation because I've been betrayed on BOTH sides. I had everything in my grasp right before Christmas when they cut my funding to 1/5 of what it was. They didn't consider whether I'd earned it, didn't consider all the good I'd done for the school, didn't consider the progress that had been made. They just gave money that belonged to my program and gave it to greedy, jealous people who don't actually really do anything at the school. I'm not going to get over that, regardless of whether we decide to stay another year or not.
But I CAN decide whether to stay or leave.
Romantic relationships are EXACTLY LIKE THAT because a relationship is a relationship. Friendships, too. You have the power to reject other just as much as they can reject you. You are under no obligation to hang on to a relationship built on mistrust and betrayal. You have the right to see yourself as valuable and ACT the way valuable people act. You cannot force girls, friends, or employers to see you as valuable. And if you cannot make inroads with girls, friends, or employers, rejection doesn't make you less valuable. I would honestly be better off unemployed than feeling depressed over my failures over the last 8 or 10 years. But if you want a romantic relationship, you have to take those steps on your own to make things happen. I expect to be employed by the end of May, no matter how many doors I have to kick down to get there.
25 Apr 2020, 3:22 pm
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.
