The line "he had his chance and blew it"

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I think humans need to feel a certain level of bonding before they are ready to whether a fight.

A couple that has a fight but stays together, has likely had a few happy experiences together previously, which makes them "feel attached" to one another. So when the fight comes, it doesn't break them apart.

If you were to meet human a for the first time on the street, and your very first interaction was a fight they likely wouldn't want to be friends with you after that.

If you were to meet human b on the street for the first time and your first interaction was an exciting conversation about physics, then they might ask to hang out sometime, because their first interaction with you was enjoyable.

Then say a month later you have a fight with human b, they might be mad for a day or two but then want to see you again, because they remember that they enjoyed experiences with you before.

I think all of this happens on the subconscious level. Most people aren't consciously aware of it.

Disclaimer, I am not a psychologist.

The word "trust" means both. Trust that you won't lie. And trust that you are honorable and reliable and caring enough to safeguard her feelings, to act like you are consistently interested, will reply and interact in a way that will not hurt or offend or reject her.

The two are separate, but sometimes related concepts. She can trust that you don't lie when speaking. ... But not trust that you will safeguard her feelings when acting. You can be a complete truth-teller.... yet still manage to hurt or insult her.



Because you've demonstrated time and time again (15 times, exactly) with your ACTIONS -- not your words -- that you cannot be counted on to not "blow it" with her.

I have to admit: I am really wondering why you think you deserve a 4th chance, let alone a 16th one. I'm not trying to be unkind, but let's just look at the numbers: You proved to her over and over that you will blow any chances she gave you (1 through 15) and rationally it makes sense that she would have no reason to think that Chance 16 will be different. However fantastic you may be in your "better" (not bad mood) days you have used up all your chances to show her that.

There's some old saying (which I'm paraphrasing): If the sun rises in the East each and every day, you don't genuinely expect it to rise in the West all of a sudden.

The reason I connect the two is that if she trusts that I don't lie then it means that she has to take seriously what I say. Now, if what I say happens to be a promise that I will safeguard her feelings, then why wouldn't she believe that is what indeed I intend to do (if she believes that I am not lying)? I realize that it is possible to make promises -- even to oneself -- and still not keep them. But what if I make an argument as to why I believe I will accomplish what I set up to accomplish? Why wouldn't she be willing to engage with me in this discussion if she trusts me I am not lying?

As far as the part of me being "interested" that too bothers me, in a different way. If I wasn't interested, why would I be so pushy in getting back whatever I am presumably not interested in?



I wasn't counting the exact number. When I used the number 15, I was speaking figuratively. What I meant to say is that she was extremely patient with me. How many chances did she give? Its really hard to count, since you can't really draw the line to put those chances into the neat boxes. Maybe it was just 3 or 4 chances, but it felt like a lot since she was extremely patient.

But in any case, what I am trying to say is that -- however many chances that were -- they all took place within one day. And I happened to be in a bad mood that day. Thats why I feel like I would act differently a different day when I am in a better mood.

Also I didn't invent the expression "hindsight 20/20", yet that expression perfectly describes what I feel. So that means that others before me felt that way too, since they even came up with a word for it. Now, the reason I feel so confident I won't blow it again is because the power of hindsight is a great motivator. So why can't others relate to it?

There is even a song for it "you don't know what you got till its gone". Again, I didn't write that song, so that is yet another evidence that others have experienced what I did, which is why I am so surprised they can't relate.

Isn't that the whole plot of "Pride and Predjudice?" Whoops, spoilers.

Also worth saying: she may not perceive this as her "offering you chances" and you "blowing it" at all. From her point of view, it could be more like:

"He was just really unpleasant all day long. No matter how nice he is the rest of the time, I can't face being with someone who does that." That is, she's upset by the general mood of your day together, and thinks this is likely to happen again. She wasn't really holding up a series of metaphorical hoops for you to jump through.

Other women may be well be more tolerant of mood swings in their boyfriends. That varies. A lot. If she can't handle your bad days, the whole thing may have been doomed from the beginning. Which is a good reason to move on in search of someone who can.

Though I'm not currently dating, this is something I worry about. Is it best to warn of my dysfunctional side in advance and risk scaring her off unnecessarily? Or is it worse to try and hide it, leading to an unpleasant breakup when it all goes wrong?

Well let's break that down into math.

Assuming you message 1000 women and only 1% respond, that's 10 women. And if 90% stop talking to you before you're able to get a date, that's only 1 woman.

That means you have to message 1000 women before 1 woman goes on a date with you, not exactly good odds. Actually really bad odds, considering that many dating sites don't have that many singles in your area who are within your age that's you consider to be dateable. A site like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish may only have around a couple of hundred women in your general area who are around your age range.

That sounds about right. I don't know how many women a day I message on average, but it usually ranges between 0 and 3. Sometimes I get two or three dates a year, other times I go on for two years without a date. A year has 365 days in it. So -- up to the order of magnitude -- one date out of 1000 women I message sounds about right.

I guess one thing that stops me from totally saying that's the case is that I had 3 long term relationshpis (one of them lasted a year and the other lasted 2 years each) I also had around 5 other relationshps that were short term, and definitely had more one-time dates than relationships. So either its getting harder due to me getting older, or I am not counting it correctly since I don't remember everything. But in any case -- even back when I was younger -- I still had to wait a really long time before I could get a date.

In any case, now that you see how hard it is, its no surprise why I act so desperate when I finally run onto someone.

So are you saying that she feels like even if I am nice 90% of the time, and mean 10% of the time, she can't handle those 10%? But then what about the fact that was mentioned by other members that all marriages have their lows? Or are you saying that there are different kind of lows and they don't have the kind that I have?



But then how come -- during that day -- it sounded like she was really patient? Are you saying that I misinterpretted her patience as lots of chances while, in reality, she was basically being there for me through the bad day while already had it on the back of her mind to end it once my bad day is over?

All those 'chances' happened within a short time. She may not have wanted to make a snap decision or may not have been able to sort out her thoughts or feelings during that conversation. But in the hours or days afterwards she may have been thinking about it or talking about it to someone and may have arrived at the conclusion that this isn't something she is willing to put up with. It may therefore have been much easier to lose her the next time you talked to her, because she might already have decided to break up with you or at least been more aware of her doubts and the option to end it.

All marriages have their lows, but some have more lows and worse lows than others. And if a person has lots of red flag behaviors from the beginning on, it is more likely that the relationship will have more and worse lows later on as well.

If a fight happens in a marriage, but you usually don't fight, you have enough information to know that this was an exception and not how you usually interact. If it happens on a first date, you don't know that. It may or may not be how you usually interact.

In a marriage you, hopefully, love the other person. On a first date you barely even know them. You don't lose much by not continuing the relationship that hasn't even started yet - at least people who can easily get dates don't.

In a marriage your lives are interwoven. You have to get along with each others' quirks all the time and make decisions together that work for both of you. That's not always easy. On a first date you just have to get to know each other and try to have a good time. That shouldn't have as much potential for conflict. In a marriage it can much more easily happen that a legitimate reason for an argument or a difficult situation that affects both of you occurs than on a first date. If a person can't even handle a carefree conversation without picking a fight or being rude, how are they going to act in the difficult times?

Of course bad behavior on a first date does not guarantee that it can't turn into a good relationship. But the odds are not good.


How exactly are they supposed to know that you are the rare exception who doesn't put their best foot forward on the first date? They can not read your mind.
And for 'what you see is what you get' to be a good thing, what you see still needs to be something you like.