13 Dec 2020, 8:37 pm
13 Dec 2020, 8:42 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
What if the advice given to the autistic person is unhelpful? It's the first time you've given that unhelpful advice, but the autistic person has heard it from several different people over the years and it's always been wrong for them as an individual.
You don't realise that. You don't realise how triggering it is for them to have that darkness now invade their safe aspie place.
You can be sorry, but it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. The aspie has a panic attack and days of sore stomachs.
You don't intend to hurt, but it hurts.
The best thing is to listen.
I know an older, retired couple. I got talking to the husband and I can't remember what he said to me, but it was the first time someone had listened to me in years. I cried with relief because someone finally understood me. He said wise things to me. Made me feel like a real person.
I don't get on with his wife. When I was hurting, she didn't listen, she just jumped straight in with why I wasn't good enough and spouting tropes at me. Totally didn't understand. I had to delete her from Facebook because she upset me so much. She wanted to help, but she just tore the wound wider.
Being understood is more amazing than all the useless "advice" in the world.
*sorry for all the edits. My spelling is terrible.
You don't realise that. You don't realise how triggering it is for them to have that darkness now invade their safe aspie place.
You can be sorry, but it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. The aspie has a panic attack and days of sore stomachs.
You don't intend to hurt, but it hurts.
The best thing is to listen.
I know an older, retired couple. I got talking to the husband and I can't remember what he said to me, but it was the first time someone had listened to me in years. I cried with relief because someone finally understood me. He said wise things to me. Made me feel like a real person.
I don't get on with his wife. When I was hurting, she didn't listen, she just jumped straight in with why I wasn't good enough and spouting tropes at me. Totally didn't understand. I had to delete her from Facebook because she upset me so much. She wanted to help, but she just tore the wound wider.
Being understood is more amazing than all the useless "advice" in the world.
*sorry for all the edits. My spelling is terrible.
... ... ...
Yes, i get you...I totally get you...100%...
Bad advice, well-intended or ill-intended can be annoying to an NT; but to an Aspie, it could be DEVASTATING...I am sorry...Rest assured that i am learning not to make these mistakes with my beloved (Aspie) husband...
Awesome. Thanks.
nick007
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
13 Dec 2020, 11:32 pm
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sometimes it seems to me that NTs lack theory of mind even worse than aspies.
I've been thinking lately that it is really NTs who lack theory of mind in general & they are projecting it onto us Aspies. The stereotype that us autistics lack theory of mind is kinda like victim blaming or gaslighting. Look at how intolerant NTs are of others who are different from them like the way Republicans & Democrats hate on each other or the way fans of different sports teams fight when their two teams face each other.But getting back to the topic, Your rite Boo that the type of advice that works for some will not work for others. It can be very hard for people to understand where someone else is coming from & that what works for them may be bad for someone else. The real problem is when someone pushes their advice onto someone & then gets mad at the person because they cant follow & apply that advice. That happened to me some in the past when I made posts about being lonely. I got told the typical NT advice like go to bars/clubs which lots on this forum would agree that is bad advice for lots of us. I would try to explain how that type of environment is bad for me & how I wasn't into the whole drinking thing. Then I would get told to go to church. I tried to explain how I was a Secular Humanist instead of Catholic like most of the religious people were in my area. I was open to being with someone who was a very diffident religion than me but I did not want their religion pushed on me just like how I would not push my religion onto them. Having to pretend to be religious would not work for me. Faking something I wasn't is generally not a good idea. Then the NTs would get frustrated with me & accuse me of being difficult because I was being whinny & just wanted to complain instead of actually getting a relationship
14 Dec 2020, 12:47 am
nick007 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sometimes it seems to me that NTs lack theory of mind even worse than aspies.
I've been thinking lately that it is really NTs who lack theory of mind in general & they are projecting it onto us Aspies. The stereotype that us autistics lack theory of mind is kinda like victim blaming or gaslighting. Look at how intolerant NTs are of others who are different from them like the way Republicans & Democrats hate on each other or the way fans of different sports teams fight when their two teams face each other.But getting back to the topic, Your rite Boo that the type of advice that works for some will not work for others. It can be very hard for people to understand where someone else is coming from & that what works for them may be bad for someone else. The real problem is when someone pushes their advice onto someone & then gets mad at the person because they cant follow & apply that advice. That happened to me some in the past when I made posts about being lonely. I got told the typical NT advice like go to bars/clubs which lots on this forum would agree that is bad advice for lots of us. I would try to explain how that type of environment is bad for me & how I wasn't into the whole drinking thing. Then I would get told to go to church. I tried to explain how I was a Secular Humanist instead of Catholic like most of the religious people were in my area. I was open to being with someone who was a very diffident religion than me but I did not want their religion pushed on me just like how I would not push my religion onto them. Having to pretend to be religious would not work for me. Faking something I wasn't is generally not a good idea. Then the NTs would get frustrated with me & accuse me of being difficult because I was being whinny & just wanted to complain instead of actually getting a relationship
... ... ..
NT, here...Happily married to my beloved (Aspie) husband...I hear you...Sorry for your experience...Most NTs are simply not qualified to give advice to someone on the spectrum...Period...I KNOW I AM NOT QUALIFIED...Because it is simply not my area of expertise...I studied Legal Studies and count with one decade of experience in the legal profession...Ask me about civil litigation....I understand all aspects of the civil litigation process very well...I specialized in personal injury matters to be specific...So, i humbly admit that giving advice or counseling someone on the spectrum is well beyond the scope of my area of expertise...
On the other hand, as some of you already mentioned, here, i can offer my understanding, kindness and compassion, which is what i try to do towards my beloved (Aspie) husband daily...
I may even be able to direct him to someone who may be qualified to assist him...Ultimately, it is up to the individual, NT or AS, to seek sound advice...I won't go to a mechanic to learn to sew...I won't seek help from a chiropractor to learn to make cakes...You get my point???...At times, it is partly our fault that we get poor advice...And if we seek advice through the proper venues, and we still receive poor advice, it is ultimately OUR CHOICE to accept it or to reject it...At the end, there is no harm done if we reject poor advice...If there is no harm done, then there is no reason to complain...However, if we receive sound advice, suitable to our particular needs, and we still reject it, then we are hurting ourselves...This is my humble opinion...What do you ALL think 
Last edited by Clueless2017 on 14 Dec 2020, 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Dec 2020, 1:04 am
14 Dec 2020, 3:01 am
nick007
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
14 Dec 2020, 5:06 am
hurtloam wrote:
Yes, people won't be attracted to each other just because they are single, so what was I expecting.
When I was single I was interested in most any single woman who was nice towards me, not much older than me, & who didn't have kids. My problem was that those women were not attracted to me in that way & were not willing to give me half a chance. I screwed up friendships by making a move for more. I would of LOVED to have been paired up with a woman who woulda been willing to give me a real chance but nobody ever tried pairing me up 
14 Dec 2020, 5:33 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Mr extreme. I've tried helping my male friends out. I invite them to get-togethers, but they don't end up talking to the girls one-on-one or exchanging numbers.
I say to then, "hey tell that story about x," to get them engaged in the group conversation, but nothing ever seems to come of these little parties.
I always try and invite just enough people for a group, but small enough to enable us all to talk without anyone being left out. It's not a big house party.
But nothing.
They all don't talk to each other unless I make them sit in the same room together.
I'm a rubbish matchmaker lol.
I say to then, "hey tell that story about x," to get them engaged in the group conversation, but nothing ever seems to come of these little parties.
I always try and invite just enough people for a group, but small enough to enable us all to talk without anyone being left out. It's not a big house party.
But nothing.
They all don't talk to each other unless I make them sit in the same room together.
I'm a rubbish matchmaker lol.
No, it’s not you.
The fact that these male friends struggle and need help means that they’re generally.... unattractive. So your female friends, like most of the other women, won’t be attracted to them either.
Do *you* find any of them attractive? I guess not lol
Blunt aspie honesty at it's finest.
14 Dec 2020, 5:40 am
14 Dec 2020, 6:01 am
nick007 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Yes, people won't be attracted to each other just because they are single, so what was I expecting.
When I was single I was interested in most any single woman who was nice towards me, not much older than me, & who didn't have kids. My problem was that those women were not attracted to me in that way & were not willing to give me half a chance. I screwed up friendships by making a move for more. I would of LOVED to have been paired up with a woman who woulda been willing to give me a real chance but nobody ever tried pairing me up Well done for trying though.
14 Dec 2020, 6:27 am
Pepe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
So true Boo. It's difficult to truly understand what a other person is really up against, even within ones own sex due to different personalities and unique circumstances.
At work, we used to just throw ideas around and see if it inspired something worthwhile.
Putting thoughts into words helps.
I'm not shy about making suggestions, usually.
This is different to work though. I like brain storming on projects (sort of, I never have any ideas).
But discussion of dating is about people's lives and personalities and unique circumstances. It's not the same. As someone else noted, we have no idea if someone is very smelly or how insulting it would be to aske them, when they've been asked this on several forums already.
I asked my sister about this, she says I'm not smelly
Rexi
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14 Dec 2020, 10:29 pm
14 Dec 2020, 10:44 pm
Rexi
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Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
14 Dec 2020, 11:44 pm
14 Dec 2020, 11:54 pm
Rexi wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I also notice in a lot of NT is if you like or dislike something they don't, they think that gives them the right to criticise you. And I see NTs do this to each other, not just to non-NTs.
It's like some extreme dog-lovers who make insensitive and even heartless comments about cats, not caring that they have offended cat-lovers like myself. As a cat-lover, I don't say insensitive things about dogs, especially not to those who love dogs or owns a dog. I'm not keen on some dogs because I don't like the way they are hyper, clumsy, noisy and intrusive, but I wouldn't say heartless things about dogs. I don't even think heartless things about dogs.
It's like some extreme dog-lovers who make insensitive and even heartless comments about cats, not caring that they have offended cat-lovers like myself. As a cat-lover, I don't say insensitive things about dogs, especially not to those who love dogs or owns a dog. I'm not keen on some dogs because I don't like the way they are hyper, clumsy, noisy and intrusive, but I wouldn't say heartless things about dogs. I don't even think heartless things about dogs.
Reminds me of something I read recently. Dog loving is more attractive because dog lovers in general aren't as tolerant of cat liking as cat likers are to dog loving.
Don't tell Joe this but,
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
14 Dec 2020, 11:58 pm
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