You can't win arguments with women?

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Rexi
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02 Feb 2021, 9:06 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:

Dog1 wrote:

Also RetroGamer87,

Your baby girl needs to be in a crib - that’s the safest place for her to be.

I told her that but trying to keep the baby in the crib would cause a much bigger argument. She's convinced that cribs are unsafe. and she'd never do something she thinks is unsafe for the baby, even though her idea of safety can actually put the baby in greater danger.

It doesn't help that the crib is now being used by the boarders' daughter. Makes me wonder how much she cares about their daughter if she gives them a crib she considers to be unsafe.

Probably their baby doesn't have the habit\stim of banging its head on the crib so she thinks it's not as dangerous to that baby.

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Rexi
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02 Feb 2021, 9:16 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:

OutsideView wrote:

That's really rubbish RetroGamer87

. Do you want to stay with her because you want to or just because you think you have too?

I'm not sure anymore. Perhaps one day I'll call her bluff.

For a long time I felt embarrassed about leaving her because I felt like my family would judge me. But now my grandfather has passed and he's the one I respected most. I'm not sure if I care about their opinion without him.

It's better to stop thinking about people and about negative 'what ifs'. Seems you want to logically but are afraid
There's no reason to stay in a relationship you don't like, which causes you a lot of stress and doubts\trust issues. You are important and so is your health.

How about separate padding for each crib bar? that can't possibly suffocate a baby, easier to move its face away between bars. Too late now I guess

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RetroGamer87
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02 Feb 2021, 11:56 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

She needs to take courses in English. I feel this would solve a lot of things.

I'm not so sure about that. She's always so sure that she's right about everything. That makes her unteachable.

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RetroGamer87
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02 Feb 2021, 11:59 pm

r00tb33r wrote:

Hey, RetroGamer87, off topic comment, I'm more of a retired gamer but have been into the retrocomputing hobby since 2014, mostly on the C64/Amiga side of things, are you into any of that?

I'm more into retro consoles. I think retrocomputing is interesting but I find the barrier of entry to be a little high. Those C64s are getting really expensive on ebay now. I tried to buy a C64 Max but they sold out almost immediately.

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RetroGamer87
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03 Feb 2021, 12:14 am

goldfish21 wrote:

nothing wrong with saying "I misunderstood you, my mistake," or even "Sorry, I misunderstood," and just leave it at that.

I could say it's my mistake but she won't leave it that. "I misunderstood" was the first thing I said and in response she went on and on about how the reason I misunderstood was because I was impatient.

As for her poor English skills, I think she knows that she's hard to understand but she's started to use that as an excuse. Today she said she didn't want our daughter going to school with black kids. This seriously shocked me. I know we disagree on things but this takes the cake. I asked her what's wrong with black people and she said they're closer to apes. As someone who's studied biology at a postgrad level she should know that's not how evolution works.

Later she started using her English skills as an excuse, saying I misunderstood her and that I was unfair to pick on her English skills but what she said couldn't be more clear. She said that what she actually meant to say was that she didn't want our daughter going to school with "low class" kids. After failing to explain to her the basic concept of why racisim is bad I didn't have the energy to explain to her why it's wrong to say black people are low class or why discrimating on the basis of class is also a bad thing.

But I think she knows she said something wrong. She wouldn't be attempting to make lame excuses if she didn't think she'd said something wrong. I could accept her making a blunder of even this magnitude if she just admitted she was wrong to say black people are apelike. But she never says she's wrong.

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Dog1
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03 Feb 2021, 12:34 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

KT67 wrote:

But if someone is full of their own sense of importance and/or has social authority over you...

Perhaps but I should use it with caution. Even though her English is bad she's good at reading people. If I'm not careful she might see through my ruse.

I understand that the people on this forum are Aspies - so naturally many of them might not see this situation through a philosophical or romantic-lens (as the majority of my fellow Aspies are more so people who see things in terms of logic) - but I think in this situation with this person, it would be bad to approach the situation like that.

You don’t need to resort to any form of manipulation with your Soul Mate - this is your wife - not some salesman that you’re trying to haggle with to get a better deal on something.

Appeal to her sense of love and try to talk it out mutually with her.

I actually found out I was an Aspie due to meeting my Autistic girlfriend - and she is stubborn too - but I love and respect her too much to ever attempt to manipulate her.

This is about love - and this is your wife - not some guy you actually need to manipulate in order to get something.

This is the one area of your life where you don’t need to manipulate someone to accomplish things.

Partner-up with your partner.

RetroGamer87
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03 Feb 2021, 3:08 am

Dog1 wrote:

You don’t need to resort to any form of manipulation with your Soul Mate - this is your wife

I wish she would take that advice. Not only does she manipulate me but she does so with more skill and subtlety than I could ever manage. Today I tried to leave her but she thought of a way to force me to stay with her.

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cyberdad
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03 Feb 2021, 3:15 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

OutsideView wrote:

That's really rubbish RetroGamer87

. Do you want to stay with her because you want to or just because you think you have too?

Dude do the right thing for your baby and work on your relationship.

OutsideView
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03 Feb 2021, 4:04 am

Was she like this before she got pregnant RetroGamer87? She could possibly have perinatal depression (which supposedly can be treated), dad's can get it too so watch out for yourself while you're in such a bad situation.

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goldfish21
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03 Feb 2021, 4:06 am

cyberdad wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

OutsideView wrote:

That's really rubbish RetroGamer87

. Do you want to stay with her because you want to or just because you think you have too?

Dude do the right thing for your baby and work on your relationship.

Yes, do the right thing for your baby. But that might not be working on your relationship.

After catching up on this thread.. I think if I were in your shoes and there was no kid involved it would be a very simple decision to leave her. Manipulative, blames you for her faults, and is extremely racist. The only thing that would probably keep me with her is the baby. I couldn't really care less how the mom feels about much of anything I decided - the one who's emotional well being and future I would be concerned with is my baby girl's. I'd have to do some serious soul searching and ask myself "Will my daughter have a better upbringing & future with both of us staying together and raising her? Or will she have a better shot at life by us separating and agreeing to co-parent her and share custody? (my brother has a really good 50/50 arrangement with his ex and my nephew is Ok.) Or is it best she primarily parent and I visit part time? Or do I go for full custody & she lives with me and mom visits? (unlikely, almost never happens unless the mother is deemed unfit due to drugs/alcohol/mental health etc.)

But yeah.. I might be kinda over my relationship at this point & thinking Only of what's best for my daughter. Some kids have a better chance with their parents together even if they disagree/argue, some kids are better off with their parents split because when they're together they're so awful to each other that it's unhealthy for the child. Sometimes both parents should continue being parents, other times not.. or some other balancing ratio of visitation. That's where I'd be, over her and thinking of my baby girl.

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RetroGamer87
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03 Feb 2021, 4:14 am

OutsideView wrote:

Was she like this before she got pregnant RetroGamer87?

Still manipulative but not nearly as bad. Now she's become more controlling about things like creating a perfect environment for the baby. She's become unreasonably obsessed with choosing the right school. I'm not saying school is unimportant but she's trying to restructure our whole lifestyle around it. That was what our argument was about today.

But the scary thing was, I didn't know it was about that. We argued over many little things but I didn't know the real thing upsetting her was school selection. I think she does it on purpose.

She knows I can't argue effectively if she obfuscates the subject.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Feb 2021, 4:21 am

That's why I don't want to get married.

magz
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03 Feb 2021, 4:49 am

Okay, here you are: in an unhealthy relationship.
What to do now?
First thing, take care of yourself. "Airplane oxygen mask rule" applies. It's not selfish, you need to be strong yourself in order to be able to help others.
The way guys in my family usually did it - they spent a lot of time at work and even more thinking about work. Shifting their worlds there. Not really a happy choice but surprisingly sustainable.
More classic way - friends. Never let your spouse isolate you from them. That's a red flag that Soviet Union would be proud of.
More modern way - professional support. I sometimes needed a professional to tell me who's the one acting crazy.
Couple counselling seems appropriate.

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goldfish21
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03 Feb 2021, 4:55 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

OutsideView wrote:

Was she like this before she got pregnant RetroGamer87?

You were previously unaware that school selection is of EXTREME importance to wealthy Chinese?

If so, that seems odd to me. I mean.. dude, they're willing to move half way around the world for the right school for their kid. Or send their young children half way around the world by themselves to attend an English speaking school in Canada in a prestigious neighbourhood - especially the prestigious ultra expensive private schools if they have a LOT of money. But even public schools. Even realtors know that it's important to talk about the public schools that a house is in the catchment area of - what they're known for, if they're good for producing top level academic graduates known to go on to prestigious universities or if they're known for just turning out working class people vs. high level professionals. It's definitely a well known Chinese cultural thing.. I would E X P E C T her to obsess over which schools her child will attend - it's a cultural thing and well known around the world. If this is a surprise to you, that is a surprise to me.

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kraftiekortie
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03 Feb 2021, 5:37 am

Yeah....people are obsessed with “school districts” here!

OutsideView
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03 Feb 2021, 5:55 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

Still manipulative but not nearly as bad. Now she's become more controlling about things like creating a perfect environment for the baby.

I went a bit funny after my first baby thinking the world would poison her and people were trying to take her away. It would be a shame to break up if it was a fixable mental health thing so it might be worth looking into but obviously we don't know all of the details of how she's changed. Of course it's totally about doing the best thing for the baby, whatever that turns out to be.

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