Why Do Some Aspies Struggle With Dating While Others Dont?

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Some of that is true, I mean I do think these days there are probably more women open minded to dating a guy who does not earn as much or things like that...but it has not changed the culture yet. For sure I think that is a bit unfair like I do recognize that my being on disability as a woman, may not be seen as bad as a man my age on benefits and I for one think that is B.S. It is totally unfair...like my boyfriend earns more, but its not why I dated him..I just liked him and still do and he was willing to accept me in my situation. I am trying to find part time work to help our situation but for sure my boyfriend never had it as an expectation that I be working full time and be totally independent before he'd consider dating me. So to me it does seem unfair to expect guys to all be totally independent and earning enough money to support two people before they supposedly can date.

If I am a woman with autism who struggles with finding employment, I figure there are a lot of autistic men who also struggle with that but still seems society sees it as more a character flaw if a man is on benefits but sometimes seem more willing to have some sympathy for a woman on benefits. For sure I think that is messed up...like why is it acceptable for a man to date a woman who earns less but its seen as terrible the other way around.


I kind of think the combination of that dumb red pill stuff, incel ideology and the negativity that comes from some of the radical feminism(overall I think I do have rather feminist views) but that radical feminism grosses me out. Seriously it is the time we should get rid of some of those like traditional gender role views like maybe it is ok if a man is the breadwinner but its also ok if the woman is the breadwinner, a stay at home mom is a thing, why not a stay at home dad if the woman is able to support that or maybe no kids are in the picture. Just seems now is the time to start accepting that kind of thing....but I feel radical feminists and incel guys are holding it back. Incels say guys have no chance with any woman with value. And radical feminists say, even if you are a totally independent high earning career woman only date guys who are higher earners and can provide for you...because your a princess and deserve no less. Like blech I feel incel ideology and some of the radical feminism stuff are two sides of the same coin.

I didn't want to complain about radical feminism before, because I don't want to give the wrong idea...I do in fact think feminism is a good and important thing, especially in third world countries and developing nations. So I did not want to give an impression of being anti-feminist. But I feel radical feminism kinda works against a lot of what feminism itself should be and so I will say I am not a fan of radical feminism...some people say it need to be that radical to create change...but I don't agree. When it gets to the point of trying to turn back the toxcisity onto males like as a sort of revenge for the years of oppression of women I just can't get into that. Two wrongs don't make a right. But yeah seems a lot of radical feminists want a reverse patriarchy where the men are the second class citizens and I don't think that would solve anything.


Basically, incel guys maintain that guys are losers if they don't succeed at filling the traditional male role. Radical feminists do the same just in a weird way that also excludes women who don't fit their rules of how a liberated woman should be.

I'm a male feminist & I completely agree with you Sweetleaf I used various dating sites with forums that were geared towards disabled people & the disabled guys who were posting tended to have a lot more trouble getting dates & relationships than the disabled women who were posting. I'd bet the traditional gender roles with dating & relationships were a big factor for that ratio imbalance. Guys are more likely to overlook a woman being disabled if the woman is moderately physically attractive & handles a lot of the housework & raising the kids(aka the domestic responsibilities) than the other way around. Also women tend to earn less money than men from employment & lots of companies here in the US do not have paid family & medical leave policies & our country also lacks universal health care. It's not uncommon for women to lose their jobs if they need to miss work for an extended period of time due to maternity leave, & even more women won't really get paid for their missed work. Plus plenty of women & men who have their health insurance through their employers risk losing it if they lose their job & if they don't lose their job the employers can still require them to work a minimum amount of hours to keep their insurance. It would majorly s#ck for a working woman to suddenly lose her job & health insurance because she got pregnant if her husband or boyfriend does not have enough money coming in to support himself
Also I have heard some independent women say they majorly struggled to get guys because some guys felt insecure & emasculated by by idea of their wife or girlfriend earning more money than them & some guys do like being in control & in a position of power within their romantic relationships & earning more money than their wife/gf helps them have that sense of power & control.
There are PLENTY of exceptions with all this stuff of corse.

I am giving a lecture tomorrow night in my graduate level Psychology of Personality class on evolutionary psychology and personality, and it reviewing the textbook, there are quite a few studies that find that certain personality traits are associated with reproductive success in men, but there is no relationship between personality and reproductive success in females. For males, the traits associated with success are high extroversion, high openness, high conscientiousness, and low neuroticism. That is probably the opposite pattern for most with Asperger's, including myself.

So for males with Asperger's our personality seems to work against us, but for females, with or without Asperger's personality doesn't matter.

How compatible would you consider strong independent women like that to be with Aspie men?

They are NOT compatible with me but it's not because I'd feel emasculated or want to be in a position of power & control. I love spending a lot of time with my partner & being emotionally supportive is one of my biggest relationship strengths. My 2nd girlfriend was wanting to be independent & we had lots of conflicts. I was too needy & I tend to be a passive person with things but I do want to have some input & I didn't feel like it was valued. I'm NOT like most Aspie men thou & I can not speak for them on this. Also my mom was a strong independent woman & we had LOTS of fights. In many ways mom has done quite a lot more for me than most parents would do for their kids, especially when the kids are in their teens & become adults. But I also felt like she majorly resented me for it. I WANT to be appreciated by my romantic partner instead of feeling like I'm a burden to her. Lots of people have assumed that I like being dependent & want someone to take care of me because I'm lazy but that's not the case. I don't know how to become independent with my disabilities & it's very likely not in the cards for me to. I know I have my various flaws but I also know that I do have some good qualities but lots of others do not see the value in them. Dependent needy women seem potentially more likely to need & appreciate my strengths if they don't need or expect a guy to be a financial provider. I have this with my current girlfriend.

Last edited by nick007 on 15 Nov 2021, 7:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

Ouch.

All that may be true in a collective sense….but it might not be true for individuals.

I don’t base my romantic decisions and perceptions on the results of studies.

I’ve spent my life going against the trends as “revealed” through studies.

I think going against trends is probably a symptom of Aspergers. Of course most NTs don't go against trends, that is what makes them trends.

I'm speaking about the "trends" that are revealed through the results of social science studies (e.g., 35% of autistic men remain virgins at 21, things like that).

I'm a short man, I'm nerdy, I dressed horribly until recently. I'm not exactly deft in my social demeanor. I used to run on and on about my "special interests." I used to spend a lot of time reading books instead of going to parties.

According to this profile, I'm supposed to experience great difficulty in getting dates, enough difficulty to remain a virgin for a long time. This did not occur with me.

I'm not saying this to brag. I'm saying this so people don't make the mistake of relying on social science studies to determine what their romantic fate will be.

This could be a big reason why many autistic men struggle with dating.

People with autism are less likely to be extroverted and outgoing; and being extroverted and outgoing are both positively correlated with dating success, and I believe this is especially true for men because in most societies, it is men who are expected to do the pursuing and initiating.

I don't think this is the only reason but for many men who struggle with women; their solution is to simply get out and talk to women more, and maybe hit the gym too.

Hell of a quote

Thanks!

Many WP members have come and gone, pining for some idealized mate, without realizing that other eligible people may already be members of this very same website if only they would loosen their 'standards' and accept someone who is not the perfect weight, the perfect height, the perfect race, et cetera.

"So often-times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." -- The Eagles

The problem with idealized things is that they don't exist in real life. There is a big difference between relaxing your standards versus settling. One is being more realistic, whereas one is being more hopeless.

I agree. It's something I try to do as often as I can myself but I noticed one person's actual reasonable standards is perceived by another as still swinging above their weight class. Some people always think another is swinging high even if they've lowered their standards to dating a meth addict who beats their own mother.

Perhaps it's because those judging are not the most eligible themselves (incel men and demanding women take note)

To illustrate the futility of having too many standards when "trying to get a girlfriend", here are some demographics to consider (too many sources to cite):

Female: 49.6%
Single: 31.0
Age 20-39: 29.9%
American: 4.60%
Christian: 1.32%
High School Graduate: 28.8%
Literate: 86.3%
Non-Disabled: 87.2%
Non-Addict: 93.6%
Not an Ex-Con: 99.9%

= 0.000566% of 157,000,000 women = about 888 women in the US who meet all of the above criteria.  That is an average of about 17 to 18 women per state.  This number would decrease as more criteria are added (i.e., childless, college degree, citizen, drivers' license, employed, et cetera).

Interesting, huh?

American: 4.60%
in America
Aren't these statistics for world, not US, and not independent variables?