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How to let someone down gently?

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Fnord
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03 Feb 2022, 2:39 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
JimJohn wrote:
I'm under the impression that "I have a boyfriend" is common and doesn't have to be factual.  Supposedly, all pretty women have a boyfriend of some sort of another.  They are allowed to use less than complete honest means to get men to leave them alone.  If someone is being a horndog, I definitely don't think it has to be factual.  I understand it may be considered lying but some phrases are just thrown around. Anybody that checks on the veracity of it goes down a path they shouldn't go down.  I don't necessarily disagree, I just want to follow up with how I see that it can seen.
The problem here is that the O.P. wants to maintain her standing in the friend group that she has newly become part of.  That means any dishonesty may have more consequences than it would if, for example, she were rejecting someone she had met via a dating app.  So anything she says to him needs to be, at least, consistent with what she would say to anyone else in the group.
Then, "Let's just be friends" should suffice, especially if said in front of the group.



theprisoner
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03 Feb 2022, 2:42 pm

munstead wrote:
To be (more) serious for a moment - and sorry I always resort to humour as my way of coping in this crazy world -


Me too. It's hard to be serious sometimes. I have a tendency to be flippant.

I think it's kinda messed up to say "I have a boyfriend" if you don't. Why fabricate things. Anyway, That won't deter everybody....Sometimes a person can just really like somebody....regardless, of circumstances. Right or wrong. It's strange the way things can turn out.

Mike Tyson once said "Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face".

Well to paraphrase: "Everyone has a principles on how to act, until they get shot by cupid's arrow".


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Muse933277
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03 Feb 2022, 3:05 pm

Just don't do what most women do and say "i'm too busy" all the time.

Experienced guys who've been in the dating game a long time will know that a woman who's always "too busy" isn't interested, but you'd be surprised that many men continue to chase, because the women is too indirect/polite to simply turn him down, or simply stop texting him, so the guy winds up getting mixed signals or thinks that she truly is too busy and he'll simply try again later.


That's why you have to be completely direct with him. You tell him "[name of person], I think you're a nice guy, but I only see you as a friend." Don't tell him why, don't tell him it's because he's ugly, overweight, or looks like a combination of skinny steve rodgers and mclovin, because that might hurt his feelings. But he at least needs to know that you're not interested.


And if he asks why, give him a vague truth. Tell him it's because "I just don't see you that way". It's technically true, you really don't see him that way, but it's holding out the fact that you don't see him that way because he's ugly and fat, if you know what I mean.



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03 Feb 2022, 3:39 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Just don't do what most women do and say "i'm too busy" all the time.

Experienced guys who've been in the dating game a long time will know that a woman who's always "too busy" isn't interested, but you'd be surprised that many men continue to chase, because the women is too indirect/polite to simply turn him down, or simply stop texting him, so the guy winds up getting mixed signals or thinks that she truly is too busy and he'll simply try again later.


That's why you have to be completely direct with him. You tell him "[name of person], I think you're a nice guy, but I only see you as a friend." Don't tell him why, don't tell him it's because he's ugly, overweight, or looks like a combination of skinny steve rodgers and mclovin, because that might hurt his feelings. But he at least needs to know that you're not interested.


And if he asks why, give him a vague truth. Tell him it's because "I just don't see you that way". It's technically true, you really don't see him that way, but it's holding out the fact that you don't see him that way because he's ugly and fat, if you know what I mean.


I might leave out the 'nice guy' bit...not because there is anything wrong with being genuinely nice. But just since it can be meant as a negative term in some contexts so I'd be concerned they might take it as being called a nice guy in the negative sense which might hurt their confidence.


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theprisoner
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03 Feb 2022, 3:49 pm

Why not just be brutally honest and say:

You don't earn enough.
Eyes aren't the right shade
You're not tall enough
You've not got the right physique.
Your personality sucks.
I hate you.
And I resent you imposing your existence into my life.

Then you could finish off with:
"But you're a nice enough guy.
I'm sure you'll make somebody very happy one day."

That should smooth things over. :shrug: no?

Maybe I'm not the best one to suggest....


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txfz1
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03 Feb 2022, 4:00 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

I might leave out the 'nice guy' bit...not because there is anything wrong with being genuinely nice. But just since it can be meant as a negative term in some contexts so I'd be concerned they might take it as being called a nice guy in the negative sense which might hurt their confidence.


Agreed, "nice guy" is the kiss of death and would get a snort from me, when it was used on me.



Fnord
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03 Feb 2022, 4:12 pm

When she says: "You're a nice guy; so let's just be friends."

She really means: "You do not inspire any deep feelings within me, so let us keep our distance and keep it simple."

That is probably the best compromise between letting someone down gently and giving them the cold, hard facts.



The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Feb 2022, 4:43 pm

Fnord wrote:
When she says: "You're a nice guy; so let's just be friends."

She really means: "You do not inspire any deep feelings within me, so let us keep our distance and keep it simple."

That is probably the best compromise between letting someone down gently and giving them the cold, hard facts.


It actually means “my vagina remains too dry no matter how much you try to seduce me”.

But yeah… your translation is less vulgar.



blitzkrieg
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03 Feb 2022, 5:18 pm

I would rather be recognised as a nice guy & rejected because of my economic status, rather than be told I am not a nice guy.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Feb 2022, 5:32 pm

Especially if you like him very much as a friend------tell him that you like him very much as a friend.

Do you like him very much as a friend?

I would be disappointed for the moment, but flattered, if a woman truly liked me very much as a friend



Muse933277
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03 Feb 2022, 6:09 pm

I mean "let's just be friends" is just a nice way of saying I don't find you physically/sexually attractive enough to date. That's the cold hard truth, but people rarely want the cold hard truth. Nobody wants to be told that they're fat, ugly, and poor, and that's why they're being rejected.



kraftiekortie
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03 Feb 2022, 6:44 pm

It's not always that

Let's be friends could be what you said-----but it could be genuine, too.



theprisoner
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03 Feb 2022, 7:05 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
“my vagina remains too dry no matter how much you try to seduce me”.


I like that...It's very matter of fact. To the point. Clinically precise.

Picture if you will, the dig, dig at me...

Me; Hey, what's your name...
Woman: “my vagina remains too dry no matter how much you try to seduce me”.
ME: Virginia, thats a beautiful name. My name is...

No actually my response might be, first: 8O :o

Then, maybe:

"How dry..."

"Tell me more..."

"About your vagina...."

"Maybe i can help with that problem....."

"Have you seen a doctor about that..."

I like honest vulgar talk.

:shrug:

I'm sure such a convo were it to occur would get ugly and uncomfortable pretty quickly though. For both parties.

Reverse it.

Man: Sorry you cant get me hard no matter how much you try to seduce me. ”.

Who says that kinda...stuff

Maybe "let's just be friends , nice guy" is the right answer after all.... :|


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that1weirdgrrrl
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05 Feb 2022, 10:03 pm

Well, I bit the bullet and told him. I liked the encouraging parts that Rho mentioned, so I tried to work that in there. He took it pretty well, so I am hopeful about the future friendship!

Thanks for all the support and good humor :heart: (yes, even the vulgar humor). I love you guys (in the creepiest way possible :lol: )


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