What would you do if I were your boyfrend and told you this?

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Crap. So love and love are separate in the AS brain? Please explain!!

It would be atypical, but it wouldn't bother me. I would want my girlfriend to be happy and if she is happy having sex with other men, she can do that. I would expect her to use protection though.



You hit the nail right on the head. Thanks for clearing that up.

I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not sure why love and lust need to be mutually exclusive. Unless you find sex to be demeaning in general and you don't want to "lower" a woman you love by doing that with her....and in that case, you may want to re-examine your feelings and wonder why you came to feel that way....because it's not something most people are going to be able to relate to.

most people don't relate very well to the way I see the world. it's nothing new.

You know, Mw99, I think I can relate to what you are saying. It explains a lot about some issues I have been examining within myself, for many years.

I've found that there is a clash between my fantasies and my real life values, and that's why I cannot imagine myself fulfilling my sexual fantasies with the woman I love and respect. Fulfilling my sexual fantasies with the woman I love and respect would be degrading and disrespectful to her; and it would cause me to lose respect for her, which is unfair and not something I would want to put her through. It would be hypocritical and cruel of my part if I did that.

I was just wondering, why do you view sex as something that defiles a person, or would cause you to lose respect? Did something happen or did you witness something when you were younger? Did something affect you so much that you started to not view sex as something in a loving relationship, but only in regards to lust and strangers? If it's personal, feel free not to say.

and I also think Fivecent's question was interesting.

I do not view sex as an act that defiles a person, but I believe that the nature of my sexual fantasies is such that it would be impossible for me to fulfill them without defiling and disrespecting the other person. I could not force myself to disrespect a woman I respect, and whether she feels disrespected or not doesn't factor into the equation. She might not have a problem with it, but I would.



no

fivecents, did you mean lust and love?

Disney was so not what I had in mind. And of course women have needs too. But let's allow for the possibility of, er, variation. What is necessary and appropriate for one might be disgusting and horrifying for another.

My previous reply was based on the assumption of asexuality on both sides. But there is obviously more going on here.

Whether you're talking about Tantric practices or BDSM, the key issue is consensuality. Mw99, however remote you think your chances, do not rule out the possibility that you may someday find a woman whom you lust for, and love, simultaneously. In fact, it would be a horrendous insult to keep someone you love at arm's length, whilst satisfying your desires elsewhere.

I would not feel insulted if a woman I love decides to satisfy her sexual desires with other people. As long as she doesn't do it behind my back and as long as she uses protection, I'm fine with her having sex with other healthy, consenting adults.



What if I decided not to have sex with anyone? Not with her, and not with anyone else? Would that make things better?

I'd probably stay with you.

Would you be ok with your hypothetical girlfriend going and having sex with other men, if she so wished?

Well, I guess that makes sense to me. But just the fact that you recognize that and don't want to degrade someone you love is good - it means you are able to separate fantasy from reality and wouldn't abuse someone you love. A lot of people (both men and women) intentionally demean and abuse their boyfriends/girlfriends, simply because they want to and enjoy being cruel. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. They begin and end in the bedroom and don't have to change how you see someone. A lot of people who are into different things describe it as being like a role they are acting out - and not reflective of who they really are.

I'm not telling you that your feelings are wrong, but there are plenty of couples out there that are into some really out there stuff, but they don't lose respect for one another because they are both consenting to the behavior and enjoy it. I don't think any sex act is inherently degrading if the person who is engaging in it doesn't find it to be so. Of course, if this is something that 99% of people find reprehensible, or you just can't come to terms with your discomfort with acting it out on another person, maybe what you want to do is best.

All I'm saying is be open minded. You might find a woman someday who is equally into whatever it is that you enjoy, and with her you might be able to do things that you would normally find degrading without losing respect for her as a person you love everything about. Women have just as varied tastes as men do, and there are a lot of pretty open minded women out there. It would be a waste to put that kind of strain on a great relationship unnecessarily. Good relationships are hard to find.

yes

Do not think this would suit me.
Sex is sex
Making love is making love.
Making love to someone you love can be viewed as a bonding act, the closest you can come to being a part of one another.
That is the way I try to view it anyway and I was abused as a child, so it aint easy.

There's a name for this sort of thing, Mw99- "Madonna-whore complex."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex