Why so hard for aspie male?

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Wow thats a good point. I just thought NTs had more tolerance of the smalll talk thing. I never thought they would actually LOVE it, unless theyre a drama queen.
I dress and bathe and shave just to stay presentable. I dont wear fancy things and Im not trying to be conservative. It just fits together.

I would look forward to dressing up if I could dress the same way I did when I was five. A space suit , firemans hat and a cape.

But on that social note I see Fantasy conventions online and they just seem too big. I know I'd meet more interesting people at a Psychic fest , or an art gallery walk or a Sci Fi convention, but theres just too many people.

ANybody else feel like that?

I watched videos from the San Deigo comicon and Dragoncon and it seems fun but too overwhelming.

25 years ago I was in a small local Doctor Who club that met monthly but we talked by phone and mail. I miss that.

Ditto, guy's looks are a dime a dozen, its personality and quite often either father potential or edginess that constitute a good partner in the short or long term. Then again people come in all shapes and sizes, guys, girls, etc. but certain things tend to hold true and while there are some smaller groups for who the general stereotypes don't apply, planning to hook up with them, particularly if your personality is in its own place all together, is like wishing. You can wish in one hand, s--- in the other, and see which fills up faster (just because the game of numbers and trying to find the impossibly rare can lead you to pretty much wasting your life).

I at least talked to someone recently who brought out the point that you just need to have enough guts to show interest and get into that initial date, and if things go sideways it doesn't mean you failed - just means you and her weren't the best match. I'm trying to teach myself that instead of trying to pre-screen before even spending my time with someone its not really fair to them that I do that, better that I let the first few dates be the decider of that.

I have to agree with the OP, saying that he spoke as if aspie males had it harder than anyone who'd ever lived is putting all kinds of words in his mouth that he never said. Saying that the aspie male has it rough is saying that the aspie male has it rough. Your pointing out that everyone has it rough, which is all well and good but I think when people write posts like this they're really hoping for solutions. If you think those solutions are just strap on a pair and toughen up, do what everyone else does, I think that's probably more internet text myopia, that is you can see the words but not the person in their entire context - I'd think most of the guys have done everything they can to better themselves and are still looking for a means to solve their problems, no matter how much work is involved. That and, people do need to vent. If you have stuff bottled up you need a release valve. True, aimless vents aren't worth much but I kinda think the OP was going more for seeing other guys in here in other situations actually just talk about their own deal and maybe one of them might have a path to offer that he hadn't thought of.

Point being, never jump to conclusions with people. Its that whole ass-u-me thing.

I agree.
I often jump to conclusions and such with women .
I met one last week that wants to get together. It was a social drinking situation when I first met her, so I see how important alcohol seems to be in lossening things up intially. Personally I think she cussed too much. And had intrests in sports moreso than filmaking which is what the group meeting was all about.

About being edgy, you know smart*ss joking, I as an AS tend to not do it well, in that it comes off as being too sincere. So I tried to stay away from all that and it leaves me in the cold.
A sarcastic sense of humor is a tough thing to pull of for a dating AS.

I think in that situation it depends on whether or not your interested in branching out into the things she's passionate about. On the cussing, you can probably get her to reshape that a little especially if you do don't do it - having a good buzz and being momentarily a little less articulate may have been part of why she was doing it so much.




I feel like I do it well but it depends if someone is feeding into it or not. Luckily I've had enough NT friends in the past who were the types of guys who had that permanent smart-ass grin etched in their faces, kinda like "I'm the s---, what's your name?", and yet they were able to play it off as just art and show that they were real just by having a self-deprecating sense of humor at the same time. For me I think its a little more to the nice guy with a bit of an at least superficially social facetious side but whatever, point is it can be done if you can show sincerity in the fact that it is an act, it is for fun, and you're giving them a hard time just to give them a hard time - not because you specifically mean anything by it. The downside, I am still quiet so my degree of confidence gets buried and I look quiet myself if I'm around people who are more talkative or socially forceful than I am.

edit: another thing, you do want someone with different interests. Not completely different, maybe tangent to yours but not exactly the same. I've had friends of all kinds who dated someone just like them and it got boring, its kinda like you just don't have enough to offer each other at that point in terms of expanding each other's horizons.

Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode wher Jason Alexnder realizes every decision hes ever mede has led him to the life of a loser?
He then decides to do everything the opposite.Not trying to impress.
He immediately walks up to a woman and says" I live with my parents and have no job."Shes all over him.

My suggestion is; maybe for a week go out and do the opposite of whatever you do.
If you're polite, be rude. If you're introspective push out. If you're neat be a slob. Just for a week be the opposite of whatever you are.
I mean this as an experiment only, just to see what happens. Not just with the opposite sex but with yourself and people in general.

Been doing that but to a milder degree. Whenever I can find ammunition against one of my older ideas of life or myself that I think are really holding me back, I try to fuel that ammunition in hopes that I can get my gut level emotions and memories around it - so I can actually do it and be it when the time comes. Its not so much even having it be 100% you, more like having it fit you in one way or another, doing it gracefully, and if its a dance that at gut level you find a complete joke its probably fine to project to someone that its half humor, that your humoring them and yourself with it, but of course keeping in bounds the fact that you like them is dead aim.

I think one of the biggest mistakes an Aspie makes is going up to a girl and saying: "Want to go out?"

Instead... try going up to a girl, starting a conversation (conversation topics with a potential lover never have to be profound... it's HOW you have the conversation, and what words you use). When you're finished talking (your social energy will start to drain after about five minutes... the more you practice, the more social energy you will have), tell her to hand over an email, and get the hell away from her.

Start exchanging emails, build attraction, and then when you know without the shadow of a doubt that you've made her attracted to you (it's not a choice, it's a subconscious reaction to a man's personality), THEN ask her out. Don't buy her an assload of gifts... don't buy her anything, or else you'll be the provider and not a lover.

When you meet face-to-face again, you'll be more relaxed than when you first met her, because you both know one another. When having coffee or lunch (whatever YOU choose)... all the while be a man that lives by his own rules. When she is around you, it's imparitive that you inspire her to live by those same rules. Remember: You as a hot-blooded male animal inherently know how to be a leader. It's that you have to make the choice to be exactly that.

Make her laugh. Make her smile. You need to be smiling a lot too. Why? Truly confident people are always happy and smiling.

And if you aren't a great comedian or aren't great at telling jokes, don't worry. It's not about what's funny. It's about what you purport as funny, and she'll laugh regardless, IF she is already attracted to you. (try not to use TOO much humor).

Follow this advice I've presented, and your chances for getting a girl improve so dramatically that it isn't fair.

Last edited by Dracula on 29 Dec 2007, 10:10 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Now I'm not going to impart all the answers to you of "how." I've pointed you in the right direction only... because most Aspies I see here are off wandering around in Doomed To Failure Land, and I hate seeing that... because I know it's not your fault that socializing and building relationships is so difficult. But at the same time, I don't want to craft your experiences and game FOR you.

Go out there, practice, learn, and come back with success stories.

You hate being single?well so do I.

For someone,much less a single male in search of a date or a GF having AS makes an already complicated & difficult social process even more complicated & frustrating due to our lack of social skills.

It's hard enough to start a conversation with someone that you're interested in when you don't have the challenges that AS brings with it,and then you're left with the strong desire to just give up alltogether after so many failed attempts.....the closest I've ever gotten so far was giving my phone number to a couple of girls down at Starbucks who work there(well one recently moved from the area) & then being told by another that it's considered harassment to even flirt with them while on the job so that leaves me with very few options now seeing as Starbucks is about the only place I go to for at least some social interaction.

AS much as single sucks I know you're saying that because you've been forced into it. Its not a choice.

My oldest friend has a girlfriend of only three months and he says he already looks forward to the days he doesnt have to see her. My other friends older brother is a career military man. Divorce is frowned on in the military so hes still married to a woman he doesnt want to be around. In fact when he has month long survival training refreshers he enjoys it as a vacation from her.

I have a cuple of oddball buddies who definatly fall into the " Freaks and Geeks" catagory. They moaned about no woman for a while but when womwn got close realized they'd rather be hanging out watching bad horror movies together than answering to a girlfrind all the time.

Remember in "Knocked Up" when the husband is suspected of cheating and his wife finds out he's been lying because hes been slipping off to play fantasy baseball with the guys?

Just like it's harder for us AS guys to get the woman in the first place, keeping her would be just as insurmountable.
Just something to consider.