Inability to love?

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How could anyone who says 'all' like that have any credibility? That is not just lacking expert knowledge, that is lacking basic common sense. How could all the aspies in the world be exactly the same?

While we're having fun with sweeping generalisations I would say that men are generally (with many, many exceptions) less empathic than women.

Now your NT chaps are much better at spotting when a response is required, knowing which response and faking it if necessary.

Perhaps becoming a lesbian is the way forward.

I know I can love someone. I don't fall for someone easily and it's rare that I do but once I do, I tend to fall pretty hard. I think about them all the time but I also try not to become obsessed. They have their lives and I have mine. But at the same time I think I probably went overboard with trying to spend time with them, especially being an aspie with poor social skills and not really knowing what to do to gain the approval of a lady.

This sounds like me. I know I *can* love, because I love my cats, but I don't feel that depth of emotion for any of the people in my life, not even my family. This bothers me a great deal; I just don't seem to be able to form any sort of emotional bonds with people, not even deep friendships. My relationships with people feel more like playing a part then an actual relationship.

You're operating under the assumption that aspies have egos that are just as big (if not bigger) than the average NT... If anything, I've observed the opposite. Aspies are the most capable of devoting themselves to someone else, moreso than any NT. Part of it also resides in seeing two possible opposite reactions to any given situation... in this case, either devoted to you or not. From what I'm seeing here, he chose the former, which explains why he would start texting you like mad, etc. You probably weren't prepared for that sense of over-devotion that he would give you, and actually underestimated the love he had for you, and probably felt betrayed when you broke up with him. That's why he would have thrown out anything that reminded him of you.

And I 47th the statement that your counselor doesn't know what shes talking about, or is some extreme feminist that thinks all men are like that and wasn't really paying attention to the aspie aspect of your ex...

I'm not offended at your question in the least. However, though, I am offended at your counselor and the generalizations he or she made. When the matter comes to love, I don't mind generalizations, but insuinating that we are primitive and devoid of human feelings because we are autistic is a mockery to me and other people with autism. I have P.D.D-NOS, which isn't Aspergers, in fact it is less severe than Aspergers in my case. I'm almost entirely neurotypical. Your counselor, although knowledgable in some aspects of psychology and sociology, is NOT familiar with slight autism the way a psychologist or psychiatrist is familiar with the subject. Such arrogance shows his or her ignorance and lack of understanding of us slightly autistic. Leave it to a neurotypical to make base assumptions about autistic people, just the same way they generalize and make assumptions about the mentally ill . Now you can see why we slightly autistic are ever so annoyed at neurotypicals.

Now that my rant is over, I will cordially answer your questions. I don't know what the case was with your previous bf who had Aspergers, it is very likely that "some of the things he was doing to me could be considered verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual harassment, whether it was intentional or not". Aspies are humans too, they are not devoid of emotions or capabilities. But I will tell you something that your quack of a counselor didn't tell you:

Since we, the slightly autistic (be it Aspergers or P.D.D-NOS) do not fully understand people's verbal cues and body language emotionally, we tend to be shy and withdrawn for the most part. We normally do not seek confrontation, in fact it bothers us (well for some or most) and since we can not understand emotions, many of us resort to knowledge and the memorization of knowledge/facts. That may make us nerdy, but it also makes us more wise, intelligent, and cautious than most neurotypicals. You neurotypicals live your lives based on emotions and some knowledge from experience. However, without understanding human emotions (yes, we do feel emotions just like you NT's do, we just can't understand YOUR emotions), we rely on logic and sensibility, because we can focus our energy on things other than emotions. We tend to be a little obsessive at times, and this can be seen with some of retention of knowledge.

As for us being incapable of love, that is entirely debatable. There has been some discussion about slightly autistic people feeling that they might be asexual, meaning they prefer neither sex romantically. However, this being said, there are aspies and slightly autistic people who have dated and who have engaged in sexual intercourse before. There was another post about a autistic guy not being able to find romance among girls, so he resorted to paying prostitutes. Love is a universal emotion, some of us can feel it more than others, but that doesn't mean we can't still feel it. Even I want love and I CAN feel love to someone I dearly care about. My love of my parents is like the love of a brother or sister, I care for them and watch out for them. If I was truly asexual, I wouldn't have minded being single all my life (21 years), but I did mind because I felt lonely, and I needed love and romance to feel content.

Don't buy into everything your counselor says, she/he is generalizing and unless he/she were autistic themselves, he/she wouldn't a flippin' clue what it is like. But for the sake of courtesy, I will not use any profanity to express my annoyance and anger

Everything I said is true, and I bet most aspies on here would agree with me.

Those on the spectrum are not automatons, devoid of response and desires for contact and interaction... The experience of love is a bedazzling and bewildering thing in my world; the expression of it is something that requires a consistent attention for me. Your counselor's views show a limited understanding of the spectrum, likely from an academic perspective only. In all people, there lies the potential for abusive behaviors, and what is normal to one is assaultive to another. The difficulties in recognition, interpretation and expression of socio-emotional data can also create obstacles or episodes that have negative consequences. When the shell of quiet introversion is broken, the reactions can cover a lot of different ground. There are few truths in life, but that all individuals are different is one of them.


M.

Hmm. I don't know about that:(
There is something wrong with my ability to love:(
I used to be really into giving birthday presents but now I am too cynical to give presents to most because I get the idea they don't want one anyway so why waste the effort? I am really giving with people I know really well.

1. Your counsellor should not be working with people with AS, she knows nothing if she thinks this is correct.
2. She ought to have her registration revoked.
3. Just because you have AS does not automatically mean you are abusive - forget the guy AS aside, he's a jerk.

that is all ...

Crikey....this thread is still going? I broke up with this dude a long time ago, because he's an ass. But hey....I got a part 2 to the story!! !!

I think you need to talk to a different psychologist and I think the one you are seeing is a quack! Having difficultly showing emotions is a lot different than not feeling them. For the NT emotions and doing the social thing comes easily, but for someone with Aspergers it's difficult to get those feeling out. It takes them a little longer to be able to comprehend how they feel and show it. Of course, abusive boyfriends do not all have Aspergers and it's wrong to assume that being Aspie is a reason for abuse. You were going with a jerk and that had little to do with being on the autistic spectrum. Yes, there are quite a few women on other sites looking for a sounding board to complain to, but if they spent the time working to build up their relationships instead of trying to tear their significant other down things might be different. It takes two to make it or break it!

Not long ago, someone on here said something smart but because the search engine is not good I can't quote him.

He said that ignoring how people feel is a trait of people who have asperger. And if that is true then this means that I don't really have asperger because I do care about other people.

But there are many other psychological illnesses besides asperger syndrome. There is a full world of mental illnesses out there that have nothing to do with asperger. There is social phobia, depression, schizoid, masochism, schizophrenia and there is also sadism and many many others.

I don't know if I'm AS, I'm supposed to be INTP, and I'm not certain I read too much into either. But sure, I'm a nerdy physics-engineering-philosopher.

But I was lurking around, and this thread really says it all.

"Normal" girl dumps "Problem" guy. Normal girl goes to shrink, blogs, etc to discuss problems in dealing with terribly sad AS guy.

Community of "non normal" geeks etc responds, worries, discusses, antagonises her issue, in the light of their ongoing, and (if AS is really a "fixed syndrome") permanent condition. Tears shed and mutual messages of understanding exchanged between various supposedly "AS" people.

Bingo!! 6 months later (and apparently at 24 she's no teenager), girl shows up and says, wow, what are you people even discussing?? That's ancient history and I don't even think of it, it's gone... I wonder what Mr. AS is thinking. If he's anything like me, I imagine that whatever the outcome and his personal situation, he is still thinking.

So there it is. What else can you say?

That's wrong. I care about other people and their feelings plenty. I don't ignore it - I just struggle to pick up on it. If my partner is upset about something I can seem cold or disinterested, but really I just don't know he's upset. Unless he actually tells me or gives a more obvious sign, I'll still have no idea. It may seem to him that I'm ignoring his feelings. I'm not ignoring them, just ignorant of them.

Aspies are most certainly not unable to love. That's absurd. If anything we love too much (in my experience).

welcome to our little club, SGW
i think you are the first to mention at least this aspie's tendency to dwell on past hurts for a lifetime. well after the point that most other folk have moved onto other things. an NT acquaintance of mine told me that i shared this trait with serial killers. ouch.

What's wrong with that? Serial killers are genuinely interesting people. Many of them could have done good things if they hadn't of butchered a few people.