Girls don't want an a**hole, they want:

Post Reply New Topic

All leaders have goal-based desires. Self-confidence and self-acceptance are extremely helpful in the long run, but they have to be earned through romantic success. So there's a trait right there (having firm, set goals) that you can build on.

Look at it this way...

A woman is vulnerable when she is with child. She's frequently ill, mostly weak, and has to take measures to protect the fetus.

Taking on a powerful man is one of those measures. Leaders are the most powerful, since they practice domination over others in the pack. Who's best to protect her and her child? The leader. The Alpha Male. The one who stands his ground and is willing to lock horns with intruders (whether literally or metaphorically).

Women are attracted to a certain type of man for a reason. All properly functioning women, at least. Why would you ever want anything else anyway?

You've witnessed it happen. Remember. So many times you've seen the sweet girl goes for the a**hole. Why? He demonstrates leadership qualities. You've probably also seen a girl go off with someone who wasn't really an a**hole, but did stand his ground and embody certain qualities that the a**hole incidentally had.

That girl chose him subconsciously because when she's pregnant, she doesn't want a whimp to protect her during her vulnerable times.

A woman searches for two leaders without even knowing it...

A leader to impregnate her. (one night stands)

A leader to provide and protect. (long-term relationships)

Sometimes, but rarely, a man can be both.

I think we agree on some general principles; I am much more reluctant to draw conclusions from them. The qualities I see are more specific, whereas you're creating more general definitions. The animalistic principles you draw from are sound, and I could see there being a base desire/need for a partner to fulfill certain needs. However, the cognitive process distorts that beyond something that I can consider absolute. You hit it here:

I don't see it being a**hole exclusive, and I don't necessarily see it as being difficult to be both... but society does a piss poor job preparing young people, and at that age there is a lot of arbitrary influences on desire. There are instances when one is on one extreme and not the other, but I don't find that to be exclusively the trend.


M.

Are you indicating the fact that you sometimes see the average woman with a not-so-masculine or goal-oriented man?

I've seen very independent women with cowed men; with men they view as equals; and those they find a comfortable relationship in a more submissive roles. It depends on the person - are you referring to initial, immediate and superficial levels of attraction, or the lasting components of a relationship? Two different things. But yes, I do see matches across the spectrum in both directions; the variance tends to occur more in couples with one or more older members. *volley*


M.

Mainly the first one, but the latter can apply to.

Even in marriage, I believe the woman will look to the man for answers. And if he consistently can't provide them, that is what really leads to divorce.

A husband and wife need to be equal as human beings, but ultimately a lasting romantic relationship (without adultery) needs to see the husband having the most authority.

I tend to consider the latter more than the former; the initial components fade, I am concerned with the other aspects. As for having answers, I disagree - I know some who would be offended by such an approach. It just feels like a small cross-section that you are basing this idea off of... that is purely my subjective opinion, however.

In my mind, a lasting relationship is based off honesty, communication, and balance. I don't want a subservient partner; if anything, I find the greater attraction and interest in those with more inner strength and self determination. What you describe suits you best, but it doesn't work for me as a universal translator in the world of romance.


M.

Girls dont want an a**hole, they want:..............................A Big Black Dick!

I agree completely with honesty and communication. Those are required cornerstones for a fruitful relationship.

Remember: even the greatest rulers need advisors. I can understand you not wanting a woman who doesn't possess an inner strength and self-determination... Who would? I'm not saying women want to wordlessly follow orders. There's nothing unattractive about considering advice that she may confide in you. Consider it. But don't treat it as "your suggestion is my command." That's the biggest mistake men make.

A wife is a lover as well as an advisor. However, I will always believe the husband is ultimately meant to be the leader/ruler.

Which suits you, your beliefs, and your desires - and you will likely find a wide range of partners that fit that niche. I think we're not diametrically opposed... more that you like your roles defined more clearly and differently than I do. Personally, I do not desire the mantle of decision making as my own - feels ill-tailored for my own needs. A partner is a companion, someone who I trust implicitly... in some ways, someone I see as better than myself. To each their own; it is best to know one's self.


M.

I feel sad The only person who ever really cared about me and I them is dead. 21 too young to die and I still miss em.
He was a master at karate and didnt hit women > thats what made me feel safe.
Well actually I did two jobs behind his back once and when he found out he bashed the absolute crap out of me but apart from that he was gentle plus no one was allowed to mess with me.
He was very protective. Potentially very dangerous person but for some reason he made me feel safe.
n by the way he died of exsangaution (blood loss) and multi trauma 'car accident' so no one dont ask.

I see. And how much experience to you have in these matters?

"You took the words right oudof ma mouth
Weeell, it must have been while he was 'dissin'' me-eee [as A Woman, I mean]
You took the words right oudof ma mouth
Weeell, I sweeear it's truuue
I was just about to sa-aay I dub you (oh-oh-oh-I duuuu-uuub you)...."

In other words: Snap! Snap! Snappety-Snap!, Who-I-Am!! !! (..or should that be "Jinx!"?)

If you don't sort your issues, you'll run out of tissues, is what I say. And then you'll be left with 'nasal-egg' on your face!

If one comes to the conclusion that 'all women are the same' then that suggests quite heavily that the man concerned keeps steering himself towards one certain type (and the same for women who over-generalise) because it suits him/her to do so on one level or another. People aren't that one-dimensional that they can all be lumped together in terms of types and levels of needs, wants, aims and goals be they long- or short-term.

Some want to be led, some want to lead, some want an ever-changing mixture between the two. And some want this only at certain times of their lives when under the influence of external circumstances, but not when their own life circumstances/feelings change (hence divorce).

The most perfect relationship IMO is when you can be highly flexible together and adaptive towards each other's non-static state of being, thus 'change hats' at the drop of a hat in reaction to incoming input at any given time, reactively or preemptively (aka thoughtfulness and consideration).

Sometimes you need and want to be mothered/fathered, even to the point of condescension or ceding of normal power because, at that point, it represents an echo of your childhood parenting and is comforting, plus the tangible benefits are worth that temporary, otherwise humiliating 'loss'. Sometimes you need to be blocked from being your own worst enemy. Etc., etc., etc.

I call it The See-Saw Relationship: when one it up the other is automatically down and vice versa, including varying degrees of position as necessary.

But one thing EVERYBODY has to do whether operating as a single person or a romantic partner is TAKE THEIR SHARE OF RESPONSIBILITY for themselves and their own actions and consequences of such.

People will treat you as badly or as well as you let them. C'est simple que ca.

If you put up with what the majority deems to be sh*te in one area then it can only be that you have made a sub-conscious (or conscious) trade-off - because you value the positives found elsewhere in their character/behaviour far more than you fear and/or suffer from the negative(s). (In fact, by the same token, our relationship with ourselves is equally as see-saw).

These positive behavioural traits and outcomes from such can, amongst myraid other things, be ones that benefit you directly (as in Personal Augmentation, be it tangible or merely in terms of self-esteem) or those that allow you to hide facts of yourself from others/yourself, or to avoid things that otherwise should be improved upon (Procrastinatory Aid), or to avoid a sense of Loss.

What determines how or whether the trade-off is deemed worth your while or not in your own opinion, thus whether you Stay or Leave, is core values and your individual settings for each.

So. If you 'find' that all women/men are the same, and you don't like that, then this simply means you are repeatedly experiencing the exact same results from behaving in the exact same manner, whilst expecting different results each time (hence the bitterness). That, by the way, is the definition of Madness.

If you find that you cannot influence your choice of woman/man in order to experience a new type of person altogether, because those choices are beyond your conscious control, then examine yourself and your issues in order to alter your attitude. Like Attracts Like.

I myself am living proof that this isn't difficult to achieve. My new bf was the result of 50% conscious trait-avoidance or -seeking as well as 50% semi/sub-conscious, hence he is totally different from any man I've ever dated before and so too is the quality of our relationship on all functional levels. But in order to find him appealing in the first place, I had to examine my own behaviour at the root and understand my issues in order to overcome them and not allow them to influence my future choice of partner thus repeat, or be subject to a repeat of the same ol' same ol' mistakes.

Take responsibility. Your 'tribe' of chemically-compatible mates from which your sub-conscious chooses for you, will all be POTENTIALLY successful relationships, however, whom they are individually from there, based upon their unnatural/unhealthy issues that impact upon the smooth-running of that relationship, will be chosen (or avoided) more consciously depending upon what you as a being find temporarily/permanently beneficial or useful.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but - that's because I am, that's because I am, that's because I am, that's because I am.... "ooooh, it must have been while you were diss-diss-diss-diss-diss-diss...."

More than you.

I dont understand all them long posts but I know that important relationships is based on trust. Learning to trust the other person [mutually] = respect
Respect = Love

Dracula - a tad immature, no? There are better ways than that, especially if you deign to be taken seriously in discussions.

SL - fantastic, but related to the topic it is...? I don't understand the point of the response, especially if it doesn't relate to the previous posts as you indicate. *shakes head*


M.

Why don't you understand them - you're a perfectly intelligent and emotionally articulate young woman from what I can tell?

Anyhoo, re the relationship bottom-liners, I'm with you. I sat and analysed what trust was. I came to the conclusion it was basically a mutual agreement both implicit and explicit, along the lines of 'We're not going to hurt each other, are we?!' In other words a recognition of each others' vulnerability and potential power over each other, and an agreement to protect that vulnerability on each other's behalf whilst promising never to abuse that power (turning from protector into the very kind of monster you're supposed to protect each other from).

That's when a betrayal of trust hurts the most - they themselves become the monster under the bed they're supposed to keep at bay for your sake ...(and *I* should know - the B had an affair...and then again after having promised that No Way could he ever hurt me like that again! That was when not only trust was totally destroyed but also hope that it could ever be rebuilt. It also constituted the point where I realized I'd lose trust in MYSELF and my own judgement if I didn't give him the Heave-Ho (he wasn't worth THAT!! !)).

I too think respect and trust are interlinked. I think respect comes first, which provides your motivation to place your trust in the other, and then them proving that your trust placement was and is warranted, by not breaking it, then elevates respect...and so on in a box, in a box, in a box (ours if they're lucky! )

But how Trust is achieved is, I believe, simply by witnessing congruity between their words and deeds over a certain period of time whereby a point of mental satiation is reached, following which you feel you can expect that level to continue consistently even under fairly exceptional circumstances, i.e. consider it to be a Given.

This was what my marriage lacked, even before he provided final proof via his affairs. He'd say one thing (indicating that he held a certain core value and/or belief level which 'guaranteed' he would always be my co-protector to the level that I needed) and then would do the opposite. He confused Trust with Admiration and also with allowing him to be the boss in all areas, thus didn't realise that trust has to be earned, not consciously decided upon based on no evidence offered/delivered or evidence even to the contrary.

Anyways. After respect/trust/respect comes wanting to protect your valuable source of positive reward and behavioural reinforcement/encouragement (which is how they get into your ego and one of the ways you then become attached). And Communication is NOT what causes actual problems; it's merely the fertiliser to the plant called Respect. If you don't respect someone you stop wanting to share yourself with them via the medium of speech (and sex, which is another form of communication).

Hope that wasn't too long for ya? (as the Bishop said to the actress ) xoxo