Can you fake confidence?

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Aha. And here we encounter a classic Aspie challenge: Not registering the probable fact of some interest from those female friends.

:\run: GreatAmericanNovel.exe

The confidence thing seems to be either a vicious circle, or a virtuous circle, and those turning in the vicious direction need to do something somewhat personally dramatic/traumatic to kick that wheel in reverse.

Trust me: been there. I felt socially pathetic (especially with girls) throughout Junior High, HS, and much of college. However, though I am the farthest thing from a Casanova, I had the good fortune to meet one girl who made every guy around her feel comfortable talking to her. She was my gentle catalyst, from whence I learned this ridiculously simple personal axiom, which caries several layers of important meaning: Girls are just people too.

Mostly that means that they have the same companionship desires and dating worries as us guys. Just People too, so talk to them that way. Start more subtle. Fly casual. If, for instance, you gently tease your long term friends or siblings, and they know it as platonic affection, then try that with a girl too. It will both help you feel more comfortable talking to them, which helps them feel more comfortable talking to you. Ergo: Virtuous Circle. But also please be self-deprecating as that kind of banter cannot last as a one-way street. Just don't take yourself too seriously.

It is this kind of thing that is the precursor to the date-having: the Flirting. You have to exist as someone that they might (not "will", just "might") be interested in going out with. Be content with yourself independent of them, then commune comfortably with them, do not perseverate on potentially boring-to-them things (constant vigilance here!!), and inquire about them. Then, perhaps, do not ask out on a formal "date", per se. Rather, suggest a future get-together. Frame it thusly in your own mind first, and it will help.

I never actually dated that girl, but we were good friends, and I'm positive I would never have shared a bed without her influence.

But I was very lucky to meet her. Wish I could introduce you.

Now, as to the fact of your female friends who allegedly have no interest in you, I would wager that more than one has expressed some interest that you have been unfortunately blind to. As have we all. That may have stalled any momentum for romance, but it's never too late.

Are you interested in one or more of these friends? If so, do any of these interests of yours correlate with single status on their part?

You should google up the acronym IOIs: Indicators of Interest. The term comes from the pickup artist community, but don't let that scare you off. I am not part of that lifestyle, and find a few of their tactics to be underhanded, but it turns out there are many social and psychological truths to be gleaned from the science of social interaction that they have developed. I foresee a lot of good ol'-fashioned research in your future.

One of the primary IOIs is any physical contact a girl initiates unto you. (unless she's pulling you from a burning wreck, in which case it may be incidental. ) This includes the most mundane-seeming laying-on of a hand on your arm sometime in a conversation. Moreso if, say, she is standing close to you and a boob happens to be making contact...? Think of it this way: is there any time, when in close contact with perhaps several people (either gender, like a subway) ...gah, lost my thread, hang on... Is there any time you aren't completely aware of weather or not your male-type equipment is brushing up against someone, or about to? Not unless you mean it to, or you have no choice, right? Same-same. If it's not as crowded as a Tokyo commuter train, she probably did it on purpose.

If you've lamented your difficulties to an NT, and you've ever heard "Oh, you'll know when she's interested", without any elaboration, well, of course the signs are simple if you know them by instinct. But the signs can be simple to you too, and the rest of us, once you've been told what they are. This I know only too well. Once you research what these IOIs are/can be, you may flash back to memories telling you "Holy crap, that girl back-when was totally into me... I had no idea...." If you come to that point as I did, do not regret the past, nothing can come of it. Just embrace it as a turning point.

The thing to do about observing an IOI? Reciprocate. Do something similar and small in return. Action-reaction pairs. It does not have to be a totally mirrored action, but don't go to wildly off base. If she raises the bar on indicators, rise to meet her, like raising the pot in poker. Heh, there's a thought: See who can out-bluff the other! Perhaps you're both holding a junk hand, but that pot, those indicators, your interactions could get huge, and then maybe you both win! (Unlike poker. That's where the analogy breaks down.)

This intel comes not simply from a book, but from actually living through that kind of transition. I had to learn explicitly what NT's seem to know intuitively. But first I had to know what it was I did not know. I still have much to learn. I'll be happy to share more facts in the case of we anthropologists on Mars, if you like.

Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose. But I would like to finally echo and reiterate the sentiments posted above from several sources: that confidence is not ever in a permanently fixed state; that forcing yourself to do things in a confident way breeds in you true confidence over time; that this is in no way a bad thing for your character from pretty much anyone's point of view; that confidence and arrogance are very different things; and lastly, as cliche as it sounds, the only thing to fear is Fear itself.

Good luck, and I'll be watching this thread, if irregularly. -Alpinwolf

Yes you can absolutely fake having confidence. I'd say this works even better with NTs. They go by body and facial 'language' cues. So if you copy those indicators you are speaking the 'language' of confidence.

Even (usually shy) NTs do this. It is called fake it til you make it. There are even books about it!

I don't know what you guys mean by "Confidence cannot be faked," but you can damn sure look as though you're confident to everyone around you. That is what counts. And looking confident is in fact the most important thing for attracting girls.

Confidence is merely the feeling you have when you know you're capable of doing something and you've had passed successes, you need to train, you will become confident once you are comfortable around people and comfortable within your own skin, anywhere, talking to anybody, about anything, at any time... as Aspies, our tight woundedness or weirdness is like a big block of ice we have to melt, and the only way to do that is to face our fears.

http://www.charismaarts.com

Go there to the experts, check the forums, you need to practice socializing, check the missions section, ask questions, they can teach you a lot.

Good Advice.

well I decided to try it out since it was the first day of the new semester. More of an easy approach, just some conversation, trying to suggest meeting them later. Aspie nature kept screaming in the back of my head the entire time. I kept over analyzing every single possible responce, and even though the chances were low that doubt kept creeping in.

Still I cant really test it until I'm in a more casual setting