Drink the cyanide.

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Poor form to undermine the "oblivious" half. This is a two-part combination, my friend. See, being oblivious toward some of her actions tells this to the girl:

I cannot be won over by just petty flirting/teasing, and it takes stimulating conversation and maybe even escalating physical touch.

But just as I emphasized in the original post, if you had READ: Flirt back in moderation. Being oblivious is about presenting a challenge, presenting yourself as a quality person.

At the same time, it's important to not remain so oblivious that the relationship or encounter go nowhere. Escalate, but be... challenging. Difficult. Unique.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

OK, so you like Star Wars, I get it. Anyways, I'm not just looking to seduce women. I happen to think that having a girlfriend shouldn't just be about trying to jump in bed with her at the earliest opportunity. But I would like to have a girlfriend someday. Where is the help that was promised?

The connotation of being oblivious is not something I find a positive quality; aware but detached can often be an appropriate response. You are still describing something of a game - which, in my experience over time, isn't desirable.


M.

Most facets of life highly resemble a game. I don't see anything wrong with this... as long as the girl willingly plays along. It's a fun exercise, but not an exercise in malicious, covert manipulation like so many critics want to make the romance game out to be.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

Well, to start off with, are you even able to approach women and begin a conversation? Teaching you to appeal to a woman's sexual side without basic social skills training would be like trying to teach quantum psychics to a student who didn't know how to add two numbers.

And YES, if you want a real girlfriend, you have to touch a girl's sexual side in the right way. Anyone who wants to argue against this, is welcome to rebuttle, but you're doomed to failure.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

Yes, I can speak to females. I am not normally in prolonged contact with them, since the university living facilities have single-sex floors, but I have conversations with women. In general social situations I've been doing surprisingly well so far in college- to the point where it would be difficult to justify an AS diagnosis at all.


OK, but I don't want my primary goal to be sex in every relationship I pursue. I am Christian, and would definitely have qualms about premarital sex in most circumstances. Besides, "touching a girl's sexual side" isn't exactly possible until you reach the boyfriend/girlfriend stage anyways, so may as well cross that bridge when we come to it.

*Edit: I don't mean by this that I would be a complete prude and refuse to have any physical component to the relationship at all- that would simply be friendship. I would like a girlfriend, and someday a mate. But I don't think I want to be sexually promiscuous during that search.

That's good. And you know what? It's also good that you are busy with college and life. Why? Exclusivity is attractive and seductive. A man who has nothing going on his schedule comes across as too lame... because he is.



Then there's already a huge chasm between us. You're a Christian that I'm guessing won't approach this from a scientific standpoint because it endorses evolution... and I'm a secular atheist.

You have to be willing to regard science, and cast aside anything spiritual as having any credibility in this. I'm assuming, to an extent, you already have, since you're looking to other means besides praying to hook a girlfriend.

And "touching a girl's sexual side" is pertinent to finding a MATE. A girlfriend. A girl is looking for someone ideal to mate with. And in order for her to call you her boyfriend with the utmost honesty and emotion, you have to be a sexual creature.

How will she ever be convinced you're fertile if you aren't a sexual creature? It can't happen. And THAT is why it's important to acknowledge this side of you, and that side of her. It's there, and no amount of conservative mentality will banish it. You're a warm blooded creature that craves connection for purposes of survival and offspring. Guess what? She is too.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

Not to get into a religious debate here, but my faith does not prevent a scientific outlook. I have no issue with the theory of evolution but don't really see how it would be pertinent to dating advice. I also do not typically regard myself as conservative in outlook. As far as sex, I will just reiterate that I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Next step?

if you fit the bill of what a girl wants and you are oblivious it works GREAT because she thinks she can control the relationship, she can get over on you. ive done this countless times to women, because i used to be oblivious, then i realized what was up. its fun to trick them into thinking you a fool, and then switching it up on them and catching them out being completely self centered and deceitful, then the power changes and you control what transpires, and that turns them on, and you essentially have a slave, for the short term. they would rather fixate on superficial things than admit to themselves what a crappy person they are, so as long as you keep them preoccupied with doing something for you, and punish them sexually, not in a bad way, but youve been naughty, they avoid reality and dont break it off. blah blah blah

How very odd.


M.

Makuranososhi,

This is sort of similar to what I've described in another post, and what I said there in a nutshell is be a part of yourself until you're comfortable enough in the encounter with being your entire self. I don't agree with the manipulative connotations that are now taking place in this discussion, however.

Seeing your response to the basic premise of it is a bit discouraging. It's not deceitful for us to be aloof and oblivious, although I am never truly oblivious (PTSD rewarded me with hypervigilance to go along with the pre-existing anxiety, and I take every advantage of it); it is simply the way most of us are.

Being only a part of yourself during the initial phases of the encounter may offer some self-protection emotionally; once one is more comfortable one may then open up more. It could be viewed much like giving a gift; present the nice packaging and then the best is really inside the box, but it's all components of the gift itself.

As always, I respect your opinions and views on the subject, and am glad you have been able to find your happiness. Some of us still "fight the good fight".

I'm always glad to read your words. The very premise of being 'oblivious' to me runs counter to much of what I consider important and essential to being true to myself. Even 'aloof' carries a negative connotation for me that isn't pleasant. Detachment is something I believe in; it's been a key part of the process I am going through now, because it is an incredibly difficult premise for me. If being 'part of yourself' allows you the comfort to get to know someone, that is your decision - in my experience, putting on any sort of facade has been largely detrimental. I think your advice is sound; if you're not comfortable with all of yourself, invest yourself in your strengths and gain confidence in that manner. But being aloof when you are not is deceitful - if not to the other person, it is to yourself. My dour face was in response to the post immediately preceding, as I find that approach very distasteful and manipulative. It is a matter of context, I guess... if it is an aspect of someone being revealed as the greater whole, I can find value; if it is merely a play, I find it rather repulsive to me. The most important aspect is to keep trying, to keep fighting without sacrificing what is most important - ourselves.


M.

Charming.

Aspies are, by their nature, fairly aloof and oblivious. I too try to play up the negatives (well, really, whether it's negative or positive is situational) as positives ("mysterious" as you called it, or "independent").