How does one get a girlfriend?

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You answer questions about what you want in a partner, and you're matched up with the people who are looking for the qualities you have as well. For example, if you say you need someone to be direct, you simply won't be matched up with those who aren't.

Your examples don't back up your original statement. yes, I too know women (and men) who stay with partners who are psychologically unsound. So why do they stay? What did they see in the first place? I think the attraction must be physical in these cases, because it sure as hell isn't emotional or spiritual! I've listened to female friends tell me variations on the theme of how rotten their partner treats them, then they add something like "all my friends envy me because he's sooooooooooo good looking, they don't know the truth of how awful he really is".


With both male and female 'jerks', they are never forced to challenge themselves because they have a steady stream of admirers based mainly on their image. I'm meaning appearance in the broad sense - how you move, the car you drive, where you hang out as well as looks.

I agree about not worrying about 'stupid lil flaws'. The problem is believing you are rejected due to some huge character failing when it's probably just the wrong coloured socks or car. Seriously I've heard people say they could never 'consider' someone because of things such as this. Forget it and move on to someone less shallow, leave them to become the plaything of some good looking sociopath brimming with confidence and superficial charm

While considering on-line dating for the first time, I was surprised at how many women in their 40's (my age group) are listing physical attributes as important criteria .(eg 'tall' is very common, as are weight and 'must be good looking'). I'd thought that as one got older, you realised "all that glitters isn't gold". Maybe this is a skewed sample as if these women are *that* good looking themselves, then why are they resorting to online dating? Unrealistic expectations perhaps? Either way, it is evidence that for at least some, physical appearance is of PARAMOUNT importance.

You're joking! No, I wouldn't recommend that at all. Ugh, the women here are the pits: brain-dead violence-fetishist conformist slags, with rigid gender-role expectations (except they can act as macho and boorish as they want). Avoid.

That's better than not even getting your foot in the door in the first place. They all look at me as if I were some sort of monster. That's one of the reasons I now only leave the house to go to work, or do grocery shopping, and why I refuse to show any photos of myself anymore.

But comfort IS my goal!! ! I thrive on comfort.


And also explains the phrase: "Plenty of fish in the sea.....".

Last edited by ManErg on 13 Oct 2008, 10:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Do you have to give up your identity as well?

That seems to be included in his statement.

It is implicit in the statement.

Look at it this way; your current method of "being yourself" is not working. You may either continue to operate in this ineffective mode, or re-invent yourself and try something else.

It's all up to you.

Not really. One cannot choose to be nevrotypica. If I could, I would be so any second!

Heh. I used to think so until I took acting lessons. Once I learned to act like an NT, I had the best of both worlds - the Asper ability to focus on the essentials, and the NT ability to make friends (but without all the emotional baggage).

Give it a try. What is there to lose?

From what I have read about relationships, when a girl turns you down every time you ask her out, it means she isn't interested in you. Ask a girl out three times and if she said no every time, don't ask her out again. That was something Jerry Newport wrote in his book. Of course he had to be told this from a guy when he was in college. He scared a girl away in his math class because he wouldn't stop calling her, asking her out, etc.


Yes you can ask a girl out if you want a girlfriend. You don't become bf and gf when you first meet. You two have to start out as friends first, get to know each other and if you enjoy each other and if things are working out, try the relationship. My mother had to tell me this when I was 17. I was 17 when I asked this guy if he wants to be my girlfriend and he said he was too old for me and I kept asking him to be mine and I said we were only nine months apart so our ages touch. Of course my mother laughed when she heard the story from my teacher and told me how to really get a boyfriend.


I don't know if NTs figure this out themselves or they also have to be told. There are books out there about relationships, and there has been advice about relationships in Teen and Seventeen magazines so it makes me wonder if they figure it out themselves or they also have to be told about it too how to do it. Friends tell them or their parents, brothers or sisters, relatives.


I have no clue how you should represent yourself. What do you say when you meet a woman? I just introduce myself and tell them I am looking for men to meet. If they don't reply back, assume they aren't interested.
But now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I always waited for men to come to me because it was better that way than approaching them first on a dating site. Most of them had something wrong with them too.

Does this book also tale up how to win a GIRLFRIEND? Friend and girlfriend are two quite different things.

apparently the new way to get a girlfriend is to buy a dog and meet her on a dog walk in the park. In hollywood there is supposed to be parks dedicated just for that!

I think its a good idea as dogs are very loving so at least you get the friendship of the dog.

the trouble with dating sites is that you have to be good at sending messages. I so suck at emails and conversation in general so do very badly with this and cant maintain any correspondence for long

I think I will next try joining a club of one of my interests as at least that way I will get to bore like minded people. and if I do meet a nice guy we will have something to talk about.

Dating is very hard

And yet... when we talk to a generation or two earlier, there are stories rife with pursuits and repeated attempts; these are now missing from our own. There is all this talk of rules and approaches, when the only constant is every person and situation is different - there are generalities at best, which are often ill-fitting.

I disagree with Fnord's suggestion, though I see the logic in what he says. Being yourself is essential; the most important aspect being the best version of yourself possible. Find your strengths, accentuate them, adapt your weaknessed, admit your faults and keep laughing.


M.

I'm an aspie girl and I'm fairly certain if I wasn't so damn picky I could get a boyfriend whenever I wanted. Then again it's easier for girls to find guys looking for girls than the other way around I think.

You seem like a decent guy, so no problems in the personality department.

And about aspie qualities, I've found the very best way to integrate myself is (while learning to act NT certainly helped, I know not everyone is capable of this, I only am because of the vigorous and merciless "NT training" my parents put me through throughout my childhood) to use my aspie qualities to my advantage.

Show off the aspie qualities that NT's find attractive and appealing. The main ones of these are your intelligence and your knowledge, but take care not to sound like a textbook. Strangely enough, honesty and openness you have to be careful with because many NT's can find that disconcerting at first, and they might back off as a knee jerk reaction. I think from what I've heard and from my own experience it is only later in the relationship that NT's really learn to appreciate these qualities.

It always helps to exaggerate your confidence, physical attractiveness, and intelligence, and smirk a lot like you think "how cute but hopeless" - best way I can describe it (don't ask me why on the last one, it's just one of those things that gets girls swarming around guys like flies on meat even though it makes no logical sense - even I'm attracted to that one! ) Maybe you should get a guys advice on how to do "the smirk", cause it could go badly wrong if you get it wrong.

it has nothing at all to do with girlfriend boyfriend any friend or no friend at all.. it is about people, and how most tend to act think and react. read it, wont take more then an afternoon, an then come back an tell me you didnt gain anything from it. if u cant see people as people as opposed to as friend, girlfriend, or whatever other title you want to give them, then you have little chance im afraid. girlfriends are people too. in fact they typically start out as people, then slowly turn into girlfriends.. like lil butterflys. perhaps if u ignored the "winning friends" part an focused on the "influencing people" part the winning friends part would come about by its own natural course.