To nonvirgin gays & st8s: STOP GLOATING ABOUT YOUR SEX L

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There are nonvirgin states? (the subject says st8s)

It took me an hour to find this, so you guys better appreciate it, lol, j/k.

yeah so do I. when I was in college I socialized only with math majors and professors. Outside of that people just stare at me and say "your one of those people" (which drives me insane because I am not sure what "those people" means)

I just happened to run into a guy and somehow got married. My advice for finding people is absolutely useless. That in combination with the fact that I don't know understand what flirting exactly is and I am painfully unaware when someone is hitting on me. Actually a running joke that my old NT friends would have is to watch me while a guy is hitting on me to see if I "get it".

I could maybe give advice for staying married (though it depends on the participation of both people).

Hah yes. Good catch. You get three gold stars for that, heh.


I must say, it was quite a pain in the butt to try to make an accurate subject title that fit. Then on top of that, I got cut off even further.

If you read the first line of my OP, you would discover that I usually do. But in the process of collecting links for my LGBT thread, I had to go into uncomfortable territory.

Maybe I should just give up on that project then. I would have been less inclined to start it, had I realized where I would end up. Then I just got fed up and was not in a good mood.

hehe, Its GREAT! as Tony da Tiger would say.

Your posts have never given me that "gloating" vibe, if that makes you feel any better.

And also, like others have mentioned, I haven't noticed much gloating on here either.

But for all you straight AS males out there: if you want hot women, go to the Ukraine. If you're tall and rich (which isn't hard to pull off in Ukrainian terms), you'll have plenty of lovely east-european ladies competing for ya

I agree with alot of things here.

If someone is actually gloating about their relationship, then they're either just an ass or they have some serious personal issues, insecurities of somesort which makes them feel the need to reassure other people of that person's relationship when perhaps deep down they're just trying to reassure themselves of their relationship, or thinking that its a passport to being cool.

While at the same time, it's disgusting and offensive to presume that any talk of personal relationships, whether negative or positive, is "gloating". If you're sad about not having a girlfriend or boyfriend, then I'm sorry to hear that, as I and pretty much all of us have felt that pain in our lives. But that's no reason to get all bitter and antagonise the people who are in relationships.

This is the Love and Dating section. While it's a place to find love, it's also a place to talk about love. I do wish this community can respect that.

I'm no playboy, I know aspies at my college who seem so much more extrovert and socially successful than me that I honestly wonder how they got an official diagnoses. But for goodness sake people, don't beat people down when they finally do find a lover.

It's amazing how the coliderscope of loneliness can make simple talking appear to be malicious gloating.

Although Cyberman was being facetious, his response does nicely sum up my sentiments on the issue of people gloating about their sex lives as some sort of form of "advice".

Some of us, me included, are still working on that first date, or even getting to that first sexual encounter. How exactly to do the horizontal mambo does not help us much. How easy it is for you to have sex, does not really help those who don't even know how to flirt or identify flirting. Not to say that some won't find it useful, but I doubt the aforementioned offenders are taking their audience into consideration.

IRL, I sometimes get the advice of, "just do it" (thankfully this has never happened on here). I am told that if I want to date and have sex, then I should, "just do it", which is usually followed by some anecdote of the "advice-giver's" sex life. My usual response is to return their "advice" in the form of an analogy.
Imagine you are a physical therapist trying to help someone learn how to walk again. Your method is to uncompassionately repeat a slogan for a shoe, and then dance around like a fairy in front of the patient alternately repeating "just do it", and "see how easy it is".
Then followed by,
"I am not a damn shoe."

What I have encountered on WP is not this severe, but the thinking is similar. Sharing how you acheived something is usually bland, unoffensive, and sometimes inspiring. But usually the audience can take something away from such stories. There's always a moral, lesson, or theme that is consistent which is communicated through the audience through the narrative like a story. For example, like a self-made millionaire talking about his life. Often, if he is not gloating, you will hear his central theme of "working hard", spotting good opportunities, or other such subtle hints of success.
"Gloating" tends not to have such a theme to it. Instead it has an obvious goal of "ego stroking". The point is for the gloater to boast about his conquests. It is the millionaire that says, "yeah, I was poor, and now I am rich! Its super easy to make money. I don't understand why people are poor.".

What goes on on WP is that these people confuse the intent of their narrative with an actual moral, lesson, or theme. There is nothing for the reader to walk away with. So you suggest that as a gay aspie, it is easy to get laid. Or that you get lots of action on OkCupid. Or about your best and worst sexual experiences. What am I supposed to walk away with? Is a gay virgin aspie supposed to feel good about any of this? How does this help any aspie find a date? You might as well teach someone how to fly a plane in order to teach them how to drive a car.

There is a thin line between sharing a story as a form of inspirational advice, and sharing a story just to gloat. And when the line is crossed, god damnit it hurts! But the pain is incomparable when it comes from your "kin", on a site which you thought was a safe haven. Instead, the ones that benefit from such discourse, are the sexually active.

Orbys, here, sums up this distinction well,

Yes, clearly given the response of those who have not seen any gloating, there must be absolutely no gloating going on on WP. That's just an NT thing after all. Aspies are too sophisticated to gloat...

I suppose the natural response to address someone's concerns, such as this, is to attack the individual and deny any validity to his claim. That is, after all, the best way to address someone's concern.

This mentality wreaks of neurocentricism in the aspie community.


For those of you who may not agree with my observations, or do, but otherwise did not dismiss me as a person or my claims, I thank you for your feedback. Perhaps you will be a little bit more aware to any "potential" gloating which you might not have seen earlier. You have the potential for growth and promoting growth in others, and perhaps eventually helping people more productively.

For everyone else, carry on with business as usual.

Yes, I not only agree with JohnHopkins, but I think his response should serve as an example for others here. Focus on the advice people. Try to give people something to walk away with, other than an inferiority complex. But also keep in mind who your audience is. What use is sex advice to a lonely sexually frustrated virgin trying to simply get a date?

Err, sorry JohnHopkins, I sort of used your quote to talk to everyone generally. The above was not meant to be directed at you. In fact, thanks for your feedback!

I can't say for sure that any particular person has been gloating, but some people have posted some quite unhelpful "advice". One that comes to mind is a post on one of the many other virgin threads, I'll have to find it and see exactly who said it...

But it said (paraphrasing), "OMG if you are still a virgin by the time you're 18 you should just get a hooker, you're missing out!!"

Comments like that don't make the virgins who hate their situations to feel any better about themselves, it just confirms their beliefs that they are downright incomplete people if they don't have sex. Those comments also treat sex as this monolithic isolated thing, and largely ignore the fact that many (but not all) folks here, virgins or not, are also lonely and not just looking for another person's parts, they want a relationship with it. I think that most people here have been reasonably mature enough to write appropriately in the virginity threads, but some other people make me sigh at their lack of maturity. Some folks here agonize over this issue for years and years with considerable damage to their self-esteem. I wish therefore that people keep that in mind when posting about very personal topics like sexuality and virginity, and to avoid glib responses. Your words have the power to heal, but they can also harm if not used carefully. Heck I don't think any Aspies here need harm from WP. If they want harm, we all know that all we have to do is step outside!

Yes. A few things in fact.



Then clearly it never happens. Only NT's do that sort of thing.
Now that you have dismissed the claim outright, lets contradict ourselves:


But its no one's business since it does not happen. Problem solved!

Wait. But of course, speaking hypothetically, talk of sex lives is so sacred that no one should comment on it! Sorry to say, but a message board is a poor forum to hope that personal matters and personal business remain "personal". It reminds me of a child eavesdropping on another and then commenting. The response to the comment is usually, "mind your own business!". Hardly is this the case here.

Next, I call this one, "feigning sympathy":


Yup, that insinuation fits me perfectly. Or does it? Well clearly you don't care, so why should I?


Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, and the claim in the OP has been fully dismissed, and the dismissal contradicted, and then sympathy feigned, now lets move on to attacker the poster and dismissing him:


So what does this have to do with my claim again? If you have already dismissed my claim, what is the point of dismissing me now? No matter, carry on.

I have freely admitted to being sarcastic and unpleasant, and not simply as tokens of pride, but rightly as traits that are sometimes negative and inappropriate. But I have explained myself elsewhere on this matter, and I doubt doing so again would add anything here. If you are interested in a dialog about me, then send me a PM.

Suppose this is the pot calling the kettle black. At least the pot acknowledges the harsh truth of his black color, while the kettle denies this and sees itself as white. I'd rather be an honest bastard, then a dishonest bastard in denial. I'd rather be mugged by a greedy thug, then by someone claiming that mugging me is for my own good.



This just goes on and on.

Do NOT waste your empty platitudes on me. If you want to insult me, fine, go ahead and start a "roast mystyc" thread, but for the love of god, get off your pedestal and stop acting like you are doing a favor by insulting me.
"no offense, but..."
"sorry you feel that way, but..."
"I don't mean to be rude, but..."
"don't take this personally, but..."
"I did not mean to kill all your family and friends, and rape your dog, and piss on your grave, but..."

You will never see me use such phrases because I am, at least, an honest bastard.


Oh, and what do you call a dialogue where you ignore what the other person has said, assume things about him rather than asking him about things, and then attack him? Wait, that does not sound like a dialogue. Thanks for proving my point.





I don't know who you are talking about, but this straw man sounds sufficiently beaten. I hope you enjoyed it. Perhaps you need to work on "active listening", where you actually form a "dialogue" with a person by asking them questions and responding to their answers. I doubt talking to straw men helps one socially in a real conversation.

I haven't seen much or any gloating.

I don't see anything wrong with people talking about their successful relationships. It is love and dating isn't it?? No rules against it. Maybe it will give hope and incourage to some people. Also it is nice to read good news. It is a bit of a downer reading negative posts all the time.

People need to by happy for other people if they are successfull.

If you have insecurites look to solve them yourself rather than putting the blame onto other people.

Last edited by MR_BOGAN on 19 Dec 2008, 10:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mystyc, you're obviously upset. Perhaps taking a moment to step back would help, as I am having trouble finding the implications that seem apparent in your responses. My only suggestion is that to consider that a support site has rules to cover the greatest range of those involved, and certain things you may like to see restricted or removed are not going to be. I look forward to your answer to my earlier questions when you are able. Until then, take care and remember to keep breathing.


M.

Well, I don't know if they are meaning to gloat but quite honestly if I were an aspie that was having sex I would probably gloat myself. Dammit, most of us have such poor luck at love and sex that the ones that finally do get it have every right to brag. I love reading about people's success whether it is about love, sex, or anything else. Not only am I happy for them but it gives me hope. I sometimes feel like I'll find love some day after reading success stories (doubt that will happen but it's nice to dream). I only wish there were more success stories here.