NT woman at her wit's end with her male Aspie friend

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Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon one's point of view), I did see this and it traumatized me. I dropped by his home uninvited, at night. (Which, just to make the experience all the more surreal, is something I *never* do to any friends.) I thought that I would never want to see him again after that incident. For some reason, probably since his mood was so out of character from what I'd seen before, I asked to meet with him and surprisingly, he accepted. More surprisingly, he allowed me to bring up the incident (I was sure he'd leave once that subject was addressed) and while he was visibly tense, he did hear me out. It never occurred to me that 1) he'd accept my invitation after treating me that way, and 2) that he'd allow me to tell him how terrible it was for me and that I would never accept such behavior. We had to agree to disagree about how we saw the actual outburst event unfold, but in hindsight, that discussion was pivotal.

For the record, nothing physical happened but he did yell at me and invaded my personal space by putting his face very close to mine. This was especially shocking as he's very respectful of others' boundaries.

I discussed this event with some female Aspies, some of whom have Aspie children, and their point of view was that if he respects the boundaries, then the discussion was a good thing because they say many Aspies lose friends if an outburst is witnessed (and I can see why) therefore now he may feel he can trust me a little bit. I'm not so sure, to me, if it happened once, it could happen again. Having said that, I think it's time to draft an email about ways we can avoid having that ever happen again. Suggestions?



Noted.

I have the impression that as an acquaintance and co-worker he's been fairly successful and I strongly suspect he's had counseling for that. These one-on-one relationships, however, that's a whole other story for him, and obviously he's not alone in that.



Well, you are a great translator and have a lot of insight.

Just an update, of sorts...

We hadn't seen each other since the first week of Jan., so I suggested we get together after work yesterday and he agreed. Last night was kinda stilted or awkward. One of those times where I sometimes feel alone though I'm with somebody. The great majority of the conversation was about him and topics I don't really understand. It varied from that to his teasing me which is kind of like a bunch of small jabs from a precocious ten-year old who is in a new environment. It was exhausting. After we separated for the night I wondered if maybe I should distance myself.

Tonight we got together again and after the first half-hour it was really fun: he was friendlier, more accessible and when he did resort to his annoying barbs I managed to cut in fast enough so that our attention could go elsewhere. So, of course this evening I don't wish to distance myself at all.

I think this is our pattern. We now seem to spend 2-4 consecutive days or a series of weekends together and at first it's stilted and he's abrasive and I'm reminded of why I have misgivings but then he relaxes and we have great times together.

@Toad:
I witnessed him reach wrong a conclusion about something I said regarding a couple we saw in a public area. He took it to mean that I was saying the man had lost interest in his date so had turned it toward me! That conclusion could not have been further from my point, but it certainly illustrated how so many things that have been said over these months could have been misunderstood.

I think the more you are around him the more you will learn what it takes to communicate with him and he will learn the same thing about you. My aspie friend calms me. I can spend hours with him saying very little and think we have had the best visit ever, because I take that calmness back with me. And when I'm having problems all it takes is for me to tell him I really need his advice and he will drop everything and give me his undivided attention. I know his advice comes from the heart.

Well, what's definitely in order is some training in other outlets for emotional energy, for which aspies by default don't have any aside from the meltdown... I've been able to largely master that, and haven't had a serious outburst in nearly 4 years (whereas I used to have a bad one every other week...)

Nowadays, I still feel the need to, well, vent, but I've found that screaming random expletives while I'm alone in the car, so long as it doesn't affect my driving and isn't directed at other cars around me, helps deal with it... if your friend uses that time alone at night to undergo a "controlled" meltdown, as it were, you may have caught him with a meltdown already in progress, and thus the whole situation you just described...


He might feel alone if he doesn't know anybody else going through the same issues as him... which is why I siad it would be good for him to make an appearance here, as many of the wrongplanet people who have been in relationships can help him understand what he's feeling better than you can (I wouldn't be the one to help him, though, I've never been in a relationship and probably never will be...)

I think so too.




This has been my experience with my friend too. It's very intimate, like we're in our own world. At first I thought I was imagining that but I suspect he must have a similar experience.

Great point.

He seems to be quite skeptical of AS as an actual condition. He's made comments about distrusting psychiatrists and questions the veracity of AS as it is "simply a collection of traits." Also, he's staunchly against labels. We were once talking about the MBTI and he suddenly changed his tone and said I shouldn't look for labels for myself and that he did not want to be "put in a box." He's made countless other comments that seem to me to be in the same vein. The plot thickens...



Did you use CBT as part of your training? It's used in conjunction with other therapies/treatments for coping with AS issues isn't it? I used it to deal with a problem and the difference between before and after (as it were) has meant a life of far better quality.

If he writes to me and answers my email, spends a fair amount of time with me in person (then kinda disappears for 5-15 days), he does indeed like me, does he not?

Cool it! If he spends time with you then he likes you. The disappearing act is because socializing takes a crapload of time and energy for aspies, and those down times seem to be just him getting it back.

Why does he put in that time and energy? What does he get out of it?

Because he likes you and people tend to talk and spend time with people they like?

Why the games? Are they tests? If they are tests, is there an actual chance that I can pass or are they more about his amusement?

It's for his amusement. A lot of apsies have odd or cruel senses of humour.

My advice too you is to quit worrying so much about the relationship. If he didn't like you then he would have been gone by now.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you're annoying ME with the constant questions about the relationship. Imagine how HE feels. Go with the flow. If you talk about the relationship too much, then it ceases to be one. And I know that it's probably not that way to you, but you've got to look at it from his perspective. If you ask him Do like me? What's our relationship like? and you keep asking him, then he won't know how to answer. And if you're mad at him about his behaviors, then tell him. If you don't tell him he'll just assume everything is hunky-dory.

I hope I helped, good luck to you! And don't forget to let us know if there's any improvement!

I've annoyed ME too! I just re-read all the posts in this topic and a side of me has come out that I didn't even realize existed. I've said here what I haven't been able to say to him.



Point taken, but I just want to clarify that I've only brought up the "what's our relationship" topic twice in 7 months and the first time I wasn't aware that he may be an Aspie, I just thought he was a mean guy wasting my time so if I brought up the "relationship talk" he'd flee. Not quite.



I'm getting good at this.



I'll try, but this is pretty personal stuff to just post online and as you can see from my discreet posts, I'm a very private person

Think of it this way. You are a dog and he is a cat. A dog would think he is better than a cat and won't understand why a cat just won't submit. A cat will never submit and will think the dog is a fool for trying to play games. Cats like games. Dogs don't like games, they mostly want to demonstrate their dominance.

You have nothing to offer an aspie male so don't feel sorry for them. As soon as you pity them they will crush you. They mostly live in a fantasy world of hot porno chicks who are always more than willing to spread their legs and give them whatever they want. Real women are like useless humans. If he has use for you he will call you. If you bother him he will go away.
Take it or leave it. These jerks are like my brothers. I know them, I f****d them. Don't expect much sweetheart.

I have to say that I resent that statement... I don't live in a fantasy world of hot porno chicks who are always more than willing to spread their legs and give them whatever I want... that would be too boring... I live in a fantasy world of cute nerdy chicks who are always more than willing to pull up a chair and a controller and play smash bros whenever I want... they will never try to change the channel on me because having the weather channel on is too important to watch some stupid crap like "american idol", and they are all in some field related to engineering... They won't go out to clubs at all... in fact, cliubs don't even exist because dancing is f*****g ret*d...

Oh, and one more thing: They better know how ot make sammiches...

I call BS. If you met that hot nerdy chick you'd probably dissect her like a frog. I don't expect you to be honest here. Aspie guys really believe they are god's gift to women simply because the tv told them so.

BellaDonna, I hope you see the truth in what I said. Humor is funny cause it's real.
It's about time we stop handling these aspie guys with kid gloves. Unless you have a latex glove that is... We need an anal probe here! STAT! AS guys are out of this world.

^ I know exactly what you mean magnus.

That makes two of us. Hopefully, some other experienced females will muster up some balls and tell it like it is. Aspie guys are not saints. They are no better or worse than the mainstream. Treat them like men and maybe they will act like them. Most likely they won't so...Push on b***h. That might become my new motto for the week.

Troll! 'Nuff said.

Mods, please check this out. Thanks.