making lovers out of friends

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petit i find it not a giggle but a roaring laugh that you, a person who has never met me, seems to think he knows what is in my head. LOL I don't write these posts for the heck of it. I am telling you i had ZERO attraction for him...at all. It did not come until years later.

YOu can giggle but you make yourself look silly by presuming to tell people what they feel.

YOu are very clueless on this one. And that is not an opinion, it is fact, since it is my own feelings and attraction that you are saying is false.

I have no idea how my very forthright post is based on people being an 'ideal' forum poster. This wasn't one of those posts where a person is building themselves up to look good. It was the exact opposite. What motivation could a person honestly have in sharing their experience like this?

Maybe if I said we went on to live happily ever after you might question the validity but since it didn't end that way I can't figure where you get this was some 'idealologic forum post' from some idealogic forum poster.

Hopefully the person who asked the question will gain something from this since he is the one asking the questions.

So they'll refuse the man of their dreams just because he was friends before he asked? How shallow. The problem is that if you tell them before becoming friends and they don't feel the same way about you, the friendship can be really awkward to start - you have effectively started at a disadvantage. So either way, we're stuffed. Damned if we ask now, damned if we're friends first. Is that correct?

My issue is all the women I have been interested in have said to me. "I just want to be friends' not really meaning it. But meaning they were just letting me down easy and wanting nothign to do with me. So they are not even giving me a chance, even as a friend.

Men hold some accountability too. If you are very interested in a girl romantically there is NOTHING shallow or wrong with telling her you'd rather not be friends. NO man should ever feel obligated to remain a friend with a woman he wanted to date. That isn't fair and some women get mad about that but that is their problem.

Some men habitually pine over a female friend. I have given this advice to several real life guy friends over the past few years and that is after a few months when she has clearly friendzoned you, move on. You don't have an obligation to stay the doting good guy friend who listens to her stories about her dates and all that jazz. You simply don't have to. Most men have enough friends, they don't want the girl they desire to be another one in most cases but are too reluctant for a variety of reasons to let it go.

And if there is any attraction at all on her part, when you walk away and she knows you MEAN you are actually ending the friendship (you don't do this to be mean, you stand firm and just say you'd rather not be friends) she will change her tune. If she doesn't, let her go. If she gets mad and wants you to remain friends despite you saying it is too uncomfortable for you since you are attracted to and want to date her, then she is selfish, plain and simple, and only able to see her own needs. That doesn't make for a good friend OR lover.

It seems to me like this is one of those AS vs NT mindset divisions... for an aspie, love is a progression of friendship, while for NT's, it is a completely different thing entirely... You could almost define true love as "the Aspie version of Friends with Benefits"... the chief point being that, in my experience anyway, aspies generally place a much greater value on the word "friend" than NT's do and don't toss the word around so lightly...

I'd try and make friends with a girl before starting a relationship, starting a relationship with someone I don't know is not a good idea in my opinion.

I agree with you there, it takes a while before I class anyone as a true "friend" and I see that as a pretty strong word like "love", that's probably the reason I have so many acquaitences.

I don't want any lovers who are not my friend first. Better die without having sex, then have sex with someone who is not already my friend. I am weird and proud of it.

I've been in this boat too many times.

Maybe its me confusing someone being friendly, and then getting confused on them, but I've fallen for several female friends in the past- its led to nothing every time. To complicate it further, sometimes they've been colleagues. Usually in that instance, I say nothing and they are none the wiser. Another friend remains a friend after a couple of night we've spent together, but I'm clear on what they want..and its not a relationship.

I'm currently stuck on a colleague, having broken that rule that I say nothing. I've become drawn to someone slightly older than me, and have tried to do something about that. She's also a friend outside of work - well we talk on MSN a bit and talk in work, and she knows I have AS. The hard part was asking, but I did get let down gently.

But, the strange part is that I haven't had such intense feelings about someone before her, like a sixth sense that this might be 'the one'. You know, that mythical 'one' which NTs seek. Those feelings came to a head about six weeks back when I was trying not to say the wrong thing, and lose a friend....as had happened in the past. Of course, drink played some part on top of a stressful week...up until that point I'd never seen her dressed up outside of work. And that sent me off!

I did get cornered about it a couple of nights later, so she knows exactly how I feel. So now I've done all I can about how I feel, its not up to me anymore. Its down to her to make the move....and the weird part is that I don't feel I have to know where I stand, as there's all the time in the world for this to happen. If it happens of course. So, its down to fate...it either will or it won't.

Now, leaving things to fate is an increasing part of my life, where we need the world to be all ordered, organised and structured. Given my day job, and where I want to go in my life, I am reaching a stage where I can't do this alone, and the 'ideal' person for me is someone independent, has their own life and interests. It's possible I might not be there, because of my job!

Now I can't force this further, or do anything else because its up to someone else....but what I can do is live my life, get on with my job, maybe play the field if it comes along....but a big part of me feels left on the shelf -I'm the only singleton amongst people in relationships or married in my day job - whereas I was one of several singletons in my last job!

And how many more will I fall for before sustaining some sort of long term relationship rather than being single? If I mention it to other people, they proceed to tell me how wonderful it is being single and you don't know what you have there...

Of course, I'm pragmatic enough to realise it may never happen with this person. But it will be a long and interesting journey if it ever happens.

On first dates you have to keep your distance and just do small, shallow talk to get to know the other person.

What's the point in that if I already know her? Like I've said plenty of times here, I can't feel attracted to a woman I don't know... it's only after I've gotten to know her that the attraction develops, and I start consider the possiblility of a relationship...

I think what he meant was, keep it light and casual while you get to know her. You don't want to smother her by hanging around her all the time...or off to the friend's zone you go.

Oh. Well that's easy... I tend to not smother people I'm not attracted to (at least to my knowledge), and I'm not attracted to people that I don't know that well, so I guess I don't have to worry about that...

Due to the geeky nature of my interests, I'd be hard-pressed just to find even a female friend, let alone a lover.

Finding female friends was never a problem for me (i actually have more female friends than male friends)... and, to be honest, most of them are nerdy... The best way to find women like that is to engage in nerdy activities... in my experience, live theater is the one nerdy activity where the women generally outnumber the men (and if you can't act, there's always stage crew, sound, and lighting fields to work in...)