I just asked a girl out for the first time in my life.

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So the truth comes out... if you've only asked out 4 or 5 girls, what's with the telling everyone else to meet as many women as humanly possible? I mean, I have asked out more than 5 girls in my life (all rejections though)...

There are some rejections that are more bearable than others... like the first time I was rejected, she said "let's be friends", and somehow actually meant it... cases like those are fine, but when I find out that a woman doesn't want anything to do with me, it really hurts... It's a real slap in the face when I try to actually put some effort into getting to know a woman better, and when I think I know enough about her to decide that perhaps I might want to go out with her, I don't want to just be rejected out of hand so quickly... Yes, I understand that women aren't under any obligation to go out with me, but as I said, it really does hurt... that's why I can't understand why someone could be "Well she rejected me and I'm perfectly happy!" unless it were an emotional facade...

Well now, I don't think I ever said that I was one who used the "ask everybody" strategy, but then again, since about age 20, I haven't needed to. I do think it works well for certain guys who need to get past their rejection barriers, and I still stand by my statement that a big sample is advantageous to a small one. Pre-age 20, I can see that my problem was that, as I said before, I would focus on the 4 or 5 women I really got to know for the year, and then was crestfallen when none of them were interested. Hell, it's even amazing that out of that small sample, some were interested! But I have some things on my side (height, looks, etc.) that not all guys here have, so this is why some will have to look farther than others, or ask more people.

The more people you know, the more likely you are to know the one who will say "yes," or who will even ask you out. Running and hiding after the first no is a recipe for loneliness.

I didn't run and hide after the first no, but there's only 24 hours in a day... I can only get to know so many women to the point where I can make a determination as to whether I want to ask her out or not... and because women are so bloody impatient when it comes to that, it makes the prospect nigh impossible...

Currently I'm laid off. I used to work in the HR department for a major insurance insurance company. Unemployment Insurance is enough to keep me afloat for now. In the fall I start retraining for the medical field. The woman I asked out was unaware of any of this though. As far as physical shape I am well above average. I was in the Army for six years and never let myself go like most people my age.

Last edited by Chyndonax on 28 May 2009, 4:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^ can you re-edit the quote? Bill asked that question, not me...

Well, you're the right age, have the looks -- just get the job thing going again, and you'll be fine. If you've really waited all these years to ask, it sounds like maybe you have some low self-esteem issues, and don't really realize your true value. In the dating market at your age, you are gold if you are employed, have a semi-normal and faithful personality, and being in good physical shape is gravy.

I'm seeing it right now with my sisters, both of whom are hitting 30. They went for flash or athletic guys before, but now they're looking for brains and good behavior, and complaining that the "good guys are already married." Sound familiar? Reminds me a lot of what a lot of the younger male Aspies are saying here about the "good women always being taken." Things change.

On that note, I would recommend that you make sure to keep women of all ages in mind, because there are lots of women that are fine with dating an older guy, even one 10 or 20 years older than themselves.

I don't have self esteem issues as much as a fear of rejection. I'm ok going out with a woman but the flat out asking is terrifying to me. All my past relationships have been set up by friends or a date that comes about by mutual agreement or me being asked out. All of which I'm fine with.

Funny you should mention age. The woman I asked was considerably younger than me. She was very flirtatious with me some time ago when we used to hang out with some of the same people. Turns out she's engaged now, which is the reason for the rejection.

My issue, and this seems to be a recurring theme throughout the topic, is my tendency to think things out far too much and hesitate

I do this too. Started to do it this time but stopped myself.

I don't mean to be a bastard here but I find your remarks highly insensitive and callous. For Aspie men to ask some one out is a highly challenging, overwhelming and often frightening task many are unlikely to attempt it at all. Due to fear of being humiliated , not being socially calibrated and coming across as awkward or creepy. The fact that someone actually attempted to challenge their own fears and make the move takes alot of guts. No one has control over an outcome. We cannot make the other person say 'yes' and besides it is their right to decline even if we are let down. I agree with the fact that once you ask someone out and you get a 'no', you shouldn't stop there. One should continue asking someone out until they get a yes. I do understand this is hard for alot of people here, me included. I do not think anyone was celebrating the fact that someone had actually asked someone out but more a pat on the back as an encouragement that they are getting on the right track. I do not intend to diss you in any way or be nasty but please be sensitive about posting remarks as there are many highly fragile and sensitive people on this forum. We have alot of problems with NTs or conventionals dissing us for our awkwardness and not being able to acheive what NTs can. Surely if you have aspergers yourself, you would want people to be sympathetic to what you go through and I would expect you would be more sympathetic and understanding of other people with AS. Sorry I do not intend to offend people on this forum here in anyway but I thought I would get this off my chest and speak on behalf of Aspie men who are doing it tough in the fiercely competitive love and dating world. Guys I only know too well what you are going through.

Not trying to be a bastard here either but I have also found your remark to be on the insensitive side. To answer your question, I have asked girls out if only a few times and have made unsuccessful attempts at chatting up. And let me clear this up, we are not merely 'whining' but as this is an asperger's forum we have a right to get things off our chest and share the problems we are having in this NT world. I am sure if you have asperger's yourself and want to discuss the problems you are facing, you do not want people to describe you as 'whining' do you? Aspies have enough problems with NTs putting them down. We do not expect the same from other Aspies but at least some sympathy. Please be empathetic.

hey DocMartin.. those two are always like that maybe if ignored they'll disappear..

I was honestly curious, thats why i asked the question. Whining was probably the wrong word and next time i will keep stump. That will no doubt please fudo, who will probably still be single in a years time, still whini--- opps. Must learn to be empathetic.

that's cold desmonami.. what do you do all day anyway?

Lol that wasnt cold but i'll answer you. Learn french, Hang with friends and treat my AS as just a label.

You're new here, soon you'll find out that male aspie's issues are way different than the female aspie's issues , especially when it comes to dating.