"Just be friendly."

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21 Jun 2019, 2:12 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

(What MIGHT work, as an indirect way to bring SOME autistic men together with a pool of available women, might be for someone to launch a support organization for single and divorced PARENTS of autistic children and recruit autistic adults to work as volunteers in fund-raising events, etc. The single and divorced parents who join such an organization would, in all likelihood, be mostly women. Of course the only men who could appeal to these women would be men who have steady jobs and an ability/willingness to help care for children.)

Yeah, I don't see that working for many.

A disproportionate amount of autistics are unemployed or underemployed (at least 50%). A disproportionate number of autistics relative to the general population also don't wish to have children, if this site is any indication.

Of those who do want children, I'd imagine a significant amount would want to have biological children.

Personally I'm open to the possibility of having children with the right person, but I'm not raising any kids with no biological link to me. No single mothers and no adoption for me.

I think that being a single parent is often indicative of an inability to make a responsible choice regarding the most important decision in your life. That being who you're going to have children with. And if you can't make responsible choices there, what hope does that leave for other life choices?

cyberdad
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21 Jun 2019, 2:29 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Personally I'm open to the possibility of having children with the right person, but I'm not raising any kids with no biological link to me. No single mothers and no adoption for me.

The kids will grow up and want nothing to do with you if there's no biological link

magz
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21 Jun 2019, 2:32 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

I do believe, to a certain extent, in “love at first sight.”

I believe in attraction at first sight.
Important but far from sufficient.
Lasting love is much more than that.

The most stupid part of popular culture ideas of love is, for me, "and they lived happily ever after". Like you find a romantic partner and poof, all your problems are gone!

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The Grand Inquisitor
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21 Jun 2019, 2:35 am

cyberdad wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Personally I'm open to the possibility of having children with the right person, but I'm not raising any kids with no biological link to me. No single mothers and no adoption for me.

The kids will grow up and want nothing to do with you if there's no biological link

I don't think that's always the case, but it's more likely to be the case if there's no biological link.

The way I see it, there's just nothing enticing about raising someone else's kids.

cyberdad
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21 Jun 2019, 2:38 am

It's like signing up for trouble...but yeah they might be nice kids? who knows?

314pe
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21 Jun 2019, 3:22 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

I believe it's unlikely that someone, who is dealing with an autistic child on a daily basis, would find an idea of having another autistic person in the family very appealing.

magz
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21 Jun 2019, 3:35 am

314pe wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

I believe it's unlikely that someone, who is dealing with an autistic child on a daily basis, would find an idea of having another autistic person in the family very appealing.

Depends.
An autistic adult who has their life together yet can relate to the child and communicate with them may be a revelation.

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funeralxempire
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21 Jun 2019, 4:15 am

magz wrote:

Depends.
An autistic adult who has their life together yet can relate to the child and communicate with them may be a revelation.

How many of those actually exist though?

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magz
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21 Jun 2019, 4:22 am

funeralxempire wrote:

magz wrote:

Depends.
An autistic adult who has their life together yet can relate to the child and communicate with them may be a revelation.

How many of those actually exist though?

No idea but why not do your best to be one? I think having your life together is worth it anyway.
If there are not many like that, it's even better - you are a gem!

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21 Jun 2019, 4:26 am

magz wrote:

[
No idea but why not do your best to be one?

Nice to have aspirations

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21 Jun 2019, 4:30 am

magz wrote:

funeralxempire wrote:

magz wrote:

Depends.
An autistic adult who has their life together yet can relate to the child and communicate with them may be a revelation.

How many of those actually exist though?

No idea but why not do your best to be one? I think having your life together is worth it anyway.
If there are not many like that, it's even better - you are a gem!

If you're talking to a community where only a small fraction 'have their lives together', advice that depends on that trait is useless to most of that community. :wink:

magz
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21 Jun 2019, 4:39 am

I just gave an idea how Mona's idea could work.
She stressed herself that it MIGHT work for SOME.

By the way, my uncle with AS didn't really have all his life together, to put it lightly - but he gave me probably the most important positive contribution I got from any adult: he could interact with the real me, not my social persona that I - typically for "female-type AS" - developed very, very early. The fact that he didn't really have it together it adults' world didn't matter for this contribution.

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TwilightPrincess
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21 Jun 2019, 9:59 am

cyberdad wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

Twilightprincess wrote:

I believe in traditional family values up to a point. I guess it depends on what one means by that. I’ve never cheated on anybody.

I believe in relationships based on equality. I don’t believe in clearly defined gender roles, and I’m not that keen on the idea of marriage.

A committed, monogamous relationship would be ideal, though.

I, too, certainly don't believe in traditional "family values" in the sense of fixed gender roles. But I think it's important for a family to have an agreed-upon set of values that can help stabilize the family. Exactly what these values are can vary widely from one family to another, but simply valuing a committed relationship is probably not enough.

I figured you are not into "traditional family values" as you are in a defacto relationship. But I guess these days couples improvise and defacto allows a lot of flexibility.

The problem I have with women in this non-traditional mindset (and again don't take this personally) is that there isn't a need for loyalty or commitment on their side when you are first dating them. I remember hanging around with a group of single girls in my early 30s (part of a larger friendship group) and I was hoping that my friendship would make them want to date me but they were constantly dating other men. Freedom means choosing whom they wanted to have sexual relations with and whom they just wanted as friends. I was a friend zone guy despite being 100 times better option for long term relationship than the men they were sleeping with. Any wonder I started avoiding caucasian girls.

Where are you all meeting these people?

There’s certainly something in between traditional values and sleeping around with lots of different people.

magz
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21 Jun 2019, 10:14 am

cyberdad wrote:

The problem I have with women in this non-traditional mindset (and again don't take this personally) is that there isn't a need for loyalty or commitment on their side when you are first dating them. I remember hanging around with a group of single girls in my early 30s (part of a larger friendship group) and I was hoping that my friendship would make them want to date me but they were constantly dating other men.

I didn't really get it. Did you expect commitment from the first date?

cyberdad wrote:

Freedom means choosing whom they wanted to have sexual relations with and whom they just wanted as friends. I was a friend zone guy despite being 100 times better option for long term relationship than the men they were sleeping with. Any wonder I started avoiding caucasian girls.

Great you found the way that works for you

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Mona Pereth
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21 Jun 2019, 1:44 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I do believe, to a certain extent, in “love at first sight.”

I don't see how "love at first sight" is possible. Infatuation at first sight, maybe, but that's not the same thing as love. How can anyone possibly truly love a person whom one doesn't even know? If you don't yet know someone, you can love the image of the person that you have in your own head, but that image is only the tip of the iceberg of who and what that person really is.

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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Jun 2019, 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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21 Jun 2019, 2:12 pm

314pe wrote:

I believe it's unlikely that someone, who is dealing with an autistic child on a daily basis, would find an idea of having another autistic person in the family very appealing.

SOME (though not all, perhaps not even most) autistic adults can relate much better to autistic children than any NT adult possibly could.

In my opinion, autistic adults with this capability (and with sufficient life skills to be able to hold down a job) should be specifically recruited to work in special ed and other services for autistic children. Ideally, in my opinion, services for autistic children should be staffed at about 50% by autistic people and about 50% by NTs, at all levels of their organizational hierarchies, and within the staff of each classroom or other division.

Anyhow, an autistic adult with experience working as a special ed teacher could be an ideal step-parent for an autistic child, it seems to me. Hopefully some single and divorced NT parents of autistic kids would eventually see it that way too, at least once the idea that SOME autistic adults are particularly well-qualified to care for autistic children gets popularized.

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