Does woman taking initiative scare the man?

Page 4 of 6 [ 95 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Joined: 1 Jul 2009
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 454

08 Oct 2009, 8:37 am

long, long time ago during my dating days i would approach guys that i like. however this was not in a bar but in collage or workplace somewhere where I would see them several times. Somehow I would know that they like me too so it was not a problem when I approached them. I think I could play it even in the bar but surely you need to pay attention to the signs that he is giving. Start with something easy, passing by and giving a smile and see how he reacts. If it is positive, give him a comment next time you are passing by and hopefully that will encourage him to approach you.

PlatedDrake
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Aug 2009
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,365
Location: Piedmont Region, NC, USA

13 Oct 2009, 12:56 pm

C-57D wrote:

Speaking as a man, I'd be flattered

Same, but seeing as how that hasnt happened, or I come off as scary, Ive no idea how to feel or if my AS would misinterpret the woman's intentions.

Apple_in_my_Eye
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 7 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,420
Location: in my brain

13 Oct 2009, 5:35 pm

Being asked can set you off balance a little (unless it happens all the time I suppose), so it's probably good to expect that. Guys will have spent most of their time working on & being the asker, so the skills/scripts/strategies for being asked might be a bit under-developed. I.e. once long ago I bolted when a woman approached because I hadn't worked out any 'scripts' for turning someone down (or accepting, or anything else for that matter).

Also, if the guy looks a certain way, but is really different than you expected when you talk to him, do him a favor and don't act all angry or disgusted -- that feels really weird.

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

13 Oct 2009, 5:49 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

Funny thing is if I were to approach a guy there would be none of my friends in the background watching.

HA! Same here - I don't have any.

_________________
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

~Steve Jobs

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

13 Oct 2009, 5:53 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

both my brothers are so anal about people's behaviors that they refuse to associate with anyone (other than family) that is not Neurotypical. Anything that steps outside the norm, they shun. Heck, for a long time they didn't want to be seen in public with me.

To put it as politely as I can: I think your siblings have some *serious* problems. You need to do what feels right for you; your relatives' opinions are worthless.

PlatedDrake
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Aug 2009
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,365
Location: Piedmont Region, NC, USA

13 Oct 2009, 6:43 pm

Oddly, my parents met this way. Both were dragged to a dance by friends, but my mother is the one that asked my dad to dance having met for the first time. They've been married now for 31 years.

Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

13 Oct 2009, 8:07 pm

SINsister wrote:

Shebakoby wrote:

To put it as politely as I can: I think your siblings have some *serious* problems. You need to do what feels right for you; your relatives' opinions are worthless.

I will be the first to admit that my siblings have some REAL problems. I am not one of those "oh my siblings can do no wrong" types. But they think they are normal... *sigh*

Actually they're worse than useless; the youngest one if he puts his mind to it can be actively annoying to an extreme degree. You'd have to be a saint to put up with him when he's in argument mode.

DenvrDave
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 17 Sep 2009
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 790
Location: Where seldom is heard a discouraging word

13 Oct 2009, 11:13 pm

Shebakoby wrote:

OK then I have to wonder, would it scare NTs more, or AS more, to be forward?

Hi Shebakoby, it would not scare me or put me off in any way if a woman were to ask me on a date. I would find it flattering. I would find it attractive because I think self-confidence is an attractive quality. I would also find it admirable because I think it would take a lot of courage. Don't be afraid.

As far as our parents, grandparents, etc. teaching that it is improper for a young lady to make the first move, this is an old-fashioned attitude that was prevalent prior to the 1960s, and it has still carried on to this day though it is much less prevalent. What was "normal" back then is no longer normal.

NicksQuestions
Sea Gull

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 218

14 Oct 2009, 12:30 am

One suggestion if you want him to come to you is you could offer him your number, rather than asking him on a date yourself. That way you'd let him know you're interested, while he would still be the one who asks.

Although I don't know much about flirting through first hand experience, I have found there is a lot of interesting research on it. One is the Social Issues Research Centre. Check this out

Quote:

Dating manuals and articles in glossy women's magazines also constantly insist that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays for women to take the initiative in asking men out. In fact, they never fail to exclaim, men love it when women take the initiative. This is quite true, and if you read the more scientific research on the subject, you will find out why. The studies and experiments show that men perceive women who take the initiative in asking a man out as more sexually available. To put it more bluntly, if a woman asks them out, they think they have a better chance of 'scoring'. Naturally, they are delighted.

If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date.

You are of course free to dismiss this suggestion as hopelessly old-fashioned, sexist, pandering to double-standards, etc. It is not the place of this Guide to make moral judgements about flirting, merely to provide information on the latest scientific findings. Flirting has been part of human behaviour for thousands of years, and whether we approve or not, the latest findings show that not much has changed. Males have always tended towards an over-optimistic interpretation of female signals, and females have always adjusted their signals to encourage only selected males.

http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Last edited by NicksQuestions on 14 Oct 2009, 2:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

NicksQuestions
Sea Gull

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 218

14 Oct 2009, 12:48 am

Also something you may want to consider, I've heard from multiple places that there has been quite a bit of scientific peer-review journal research where they observed lots of people interacting with the opposite sex and asking on dates. They found most of the time when a man asks a woman on a date, she sent out body language signals to him beforehand. Most of the time when men ask a woman on a date and get rejected, she didn't actually send those body language signals. Women send men hints. So I guess it would be good if you're a woman to send out those specific signals.

One of the references out there about women sending body language signals beforehand:
Moore, M.M. (1985) "Nonverbal Courtship Patterns in Women: Context and Consequences." Ethology and Sociobiology, 6:237-247.

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

14 Oct 2009, 8:50 am

NicksQuestions wrote:

So I guess it would be good if you're a woman to send out those specific signals.

One of the references out there about women sending body language signals beforehand:
Moore, M.M. (1985) "Nonverbal Courtship Patterns in Women: Context and Consequences." Ethology and Sociobiology, 6:237-247.

If we could do that, though, we'd be NT.

Seriously, I had to ASK an NT woman here at WP what such signals included, because I have no clue. Upon learning the kinds of signals that are "expected" of women, I realized that there's no way in hell I'd be able to pull them off convincingly.

Daemonic-Jackal
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Feb 2009
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 581
Location: Salford, United Kingdom

14 Oct 2009, 9:13 am

Shebakoby wrote:

I mean on first approach. Does a woman asking a guy out invariably terrify a man, causing insta-dealbreaker/rejection? I have been told that it does, and that men do not want a woman that is too forward. Mom's told me it's not my 'job' to make the first move. I have to wait for a guy to show interest.

and some women wonder why they never manage to find a decent guy. :roll:

I dont think there's anything wrong with it and I also would never consider it a deal breaker.

Infact I would love to be asked out once................just once.

_________________
"Every cripple has his own way of walking. " ? Brendan Behan

http://www.facebook.com/YentonianCarlos

Merle
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Oct 2007
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 514
Location: Lake Tahoe

14 Oct 2009, 11:29 am

[quote="Daemonic-JackalInfact I would love to be asked out once................just once. [/quote]

Thought of changing your appearance, temporarily? If your avatar is you, I can see a a lot of 'middle of the roaders' wary of the way you look and assume you are unapproachable.

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

14 Oct 2009, 11:33 am

Merle wrote:

Thought of changing your appearance, temporarily? If your avatar is you, I can see a a lot of 'middle of the roaders' wary of the way you look and assume you are unapproachable.

So he should change his look - from what probably best represents who he is, or who he feels he is - in order to attract/accommodate the narrow-minded? That seems more than a bit deceitful.

Merle
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 31 Oct 2007
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 514
Location: Lake Tahoe

14 Oct 2009, 11:54 am

SINsister wrote:

Merle wrote:

Thought of changing your appearance, temporarily? If your avatar is you, I can see a a lot of 'middle of the roaders' wary of the way you look and assume you are unapproachable.

So he should change his look - from what probably best represents who he is, or who he feels he is - in order to attract/accommodate the narrow-minded? That seems more than a bit deceitful.

Well, if he does want to get asked out "just once"

It's not all it's cut out to be, but until you experience it, I guess you always wonder.

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

14 Oct 2009, 12:35 pm

Merle wrote:

Well, if he does want to get asked out "just once"

It's not all it's cut out to be, but until you experience it, I guess you always wonder.

Over the years, I've discovered that it really doesn't matter what I look like, or what I'm wearing - whether it be something "dressy" (rarely) or "girly" (very rarely), whether I've been totally g0thed out (for an evening, which was nearly every weekend for many years; toned *way* down for day), or whether I dress as I normally do when wandering about (which is an uber-casual uniform of jeans/tees/Chucks/hoodie) - guys ignore me. End of.

Page 4 of 6 [ 95 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Jump to:

Does woman taking initiative scare the man? Post Reply New Topic

Does woman taking initiative scare the man?