inability to feel loved

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That wasn't what I was trying to get at. If there were more people (of either gender) like Hope around, I wouldn't have been subjected to the destruction of my very soul over the years, and maybe I would have emerged as someone that a woman could love...

I feel love very strongly and am a very passionate person but Im not able to feel loved.

because I have difficulty connecting to others feelings or reading how others feel, I have a big problem with being able to tell if people love me or even like me. I tend to read the signals wrong and make judgement mistakes.

It makes me wonder if there is any point to having romantic relationships as it seems the big benefit to them is feeling loved and liked. It seems very self sacrificing to me to give my all in a relationship when I dont get anything back.

I think perhaps i am someone more suited to celibacy.

Relationships tend to just make me feel stressed as I get everything wrong all the time and feel 'got at' and under pressure.

I would not like 'friends with benefits' as I think I would feel even more used and Im not able to detach sex from feelings of love.

I dont agree with you HopeGrows. Although I recongnise everyone on the spectrum is different. I think that imagining what a relationship is like with someone with AS is much different from the reality of it. Someone can tell you they have AS and what that means in their case but it is very different to experience it.

It can grow tired (esp for NT partners) to constantly feel rejected and like your needs are not met, to not be listened to or a priority and to always be pushing for intimacy when the person does not have any to give.

In my experience even others with AS can get tired of AS ways in another.

There are just some things and abilities that some of us dont have and finding the right person will not bring them out.

Most women I think would not be happy to live a half life not being loved as much as they know someone else could love them. That is why I think lots of men with AS want a partner with AS as they know how they would struggle to me an NTs needs for emotional reciprocacy and affection.

I guess I'm kind of pre-disposed to think that it can work, because I have an NT friend who's married to an Aspie, and she's ridiculously happy with him. She's also very down-to-earth, she's a great communicator, she doesn't play games or manipulate, and she accepts him for who he is. I'm not trying to argue with you...it just seems like if your expectations are realistic, you're honest with each other, and you're both dedicated to communicating and prioritizing your relationship - I guess that seems like a strategy for success for NTs, Aspies, and mixed relationships alike?

Fair enough, lotusblossom. I guess what's hard for me to understand is that, if I as an NT woman, understand that even though my Aspie partner might not tell me he loves me as much as I'd tell him that I loved him - but I knew he loved me deeply and truly - what need is not getting met? I guess my point is that my expectation wouldn't be to bring out abilities in an Aspie partner....I just assume that if we were honest with each other about what each of us needed, and what each of us were willing to do to meet each other's needs - and we were each happy with what was agreed to...where's the discontent?

As far as not feeling like a priority or that I'd be listened to....yeah, I wouldn't settle for that. If I was going to be with an Aspie, that's one of those things that we have to agree on (I alluded to that when I was talking about having similar values). So I'm a kind of person that values my children, my partner, my family more than any other relationship or obligation. I wouldn't be with a man, Aspie or NT, who didn't share that core value.

I guess I'm kind of pre-disposed to think that it can work, because I have an NT friend who's married to an Aspie, and she's ridiculously happy with him. She's also very down-to-earth, she's a great communicator, she doesn't play games or manipulate, and she accepts him for who he is. I'm not trying to argue with you...it just seems like if your expectations are realistic, you're honest with each other, and you're both dedicated to communicating and prioritizing your relationship - I guess that seems like a strategy for success for NTs, Aspies, and mixed relationships alike?

And Toad, thank you - that was a very sweet comment - and I don't believe your soul is crushed - it's too resilient to crush.

Don't you have a boyfriend?


I know my husband loves me because he has told me.

In my My Husband thread, I list good things about him. That's a hint there he loves me and that's what I love about him. After posting that, I am starting to feel something. I think that's the love because I am glad I found him. But I have difficulty time feeling his emotions and I can only tell he is upset when his voice goes high pitched. But it's also him too not just me because he also doesn't express his emotions he says and people have commented he hides them well than other men.

I do have a boyfriend but I struggle with makeing a relationship work between us.

I like my own space and my alone time and prefer solitary activities and I dont really like touch so its hard for me. Its hard for him as he likes a lot of affection and attention so I struggle to meet his needs.

It usually means either I am unhappy, haveing to perform and put in unsustainable effort or he is unhappy feeling rejected and hurt and like I am unreasonable and selfish.

Me not feeling others love (or like) inpacts on it as that is most peoples motivator to work through the hard stuff. He is able to feel my love so feels more motivted to be in a relationship and feels happy from being loved. I am not able to read him in this same way so dont feel such benefits, I am working on not talking about it so much though, as it makes him feel rejected and sad.

Sounds like you two aren't right for each other. You need a guy who will accept you for who you are and will like everything about you so you can be happy. My husband is like that and puts up with lack of affection. Last night I invited him to sit next to me and rub my head and I fed him his Snicker bar. To him, me wanting to be rubbed is showing him affection. Same as if I cuddle up to him to stay warm. None of that would have been good enough for my ex's or other men perhaps.

Well he is AS too right so why would he expect you to read him? After all isn't that something you won't expect out of an aspie since it's their weakness

I can relate to what you said about wanting you own space and you can't stand lot of touch. I'm the same way. My husband always has to ask for a hug or a kiss and he holds himself back from touching me a lot. But sometimes he needs it so I let him touch me for a few minutes and then I'm done. I figure a few minutes won't kill me. I even feel him sitting next to me is invading my personal space and it makes me feel anxious. I also like spending my time alone and I always do things alone. Sometimes we will go out but lot of the times we do our computer. He sees as doing it together.
But I'm doing better he says because I want to make him happy but I he isn't forcing me to do it and I don't feel pressured.


That's the kind of guy you need.

I don't mean to sound trite, or PollyAnna-ish, or critical....but I think you just haven't met the right woman yet.

To me, you have a huge advantage, because you know you're an Aspie (and I'm assuming you disclose that to any woman you date). If I were dating you (or any Aspie man), I'd do my research to understand how AS might impact my relationship. I'd also talk to my partner about what's okay, what's not okay, what behaviors feel right or natural for both of us, and what behaviors we'd need to compromise on. For example, I'm very affectionate, and I show affection often. If my partner was bothered by touch, we'd have to figure out the level of physical affection he'd be comfortable with. (I don't know how that would work, exactly....maybe some Aspies don't mind being touched as long as they know it's coming, or as long as the touch is light, or on a certain part of the body, or whatever....I'm just assuming a compromise is possible.)

As a functional NT woman, I'd never expect an Aspie man to behave like an NT man. I mean, we all have limitations. But if my Aspie partner had demonstrated his character (through his actions), and shown himself to be trustworthy and kind, and we shared the same basic values (about marriage, parenting, fidelity, etc.), and he truly loved me - I'd consider him a catch. (Of course, I'd also take the time to date him and get to know him, and be able to observe that his behavior was consistent over a reasonable period of time.)

I guess the foundation of a successful Aspie/NT relationship has got to be acceptance. Any NT woman who marries an Aspie without accepting that he really is an Aspie is a poster girl for dysfunctional behavior. Seriously...let's say I met a guy who had a leg injury that resulted in a permanent limp. I knew he had a limp when I met him, he told me it was permanent, I said I was okay with the limp, and I wound up marrying him. A few years go by and one day I say to him, "Really, honey - if you continue limping, I will divorce you." Does that sound even kind of reasonable? Of course not - I would be completely wrong, because I knew I was marrying a man who had a certain characteristic that he couldn't change and I married him anyway. Expecting a permanent characteristic to change is my problem - not his.

I'm just kind of wondering if you've had a very open sort of communication with women you've dated....just to say, "Look, if I seem cold or a little disconnected - point it out to me so we can discuss it. Odds are it's just the AS and doesn't have anything to do with what I'm feeling at the moment." Or is the idea of that level of communication uncomfortable? Then again, if it's not obvious, I'm a communicator, so it seems kind of natural to me. I definitely choose communication over manipulation...if a guy I'm dating does something I don't like, I never pull that, "Figure out what's making me mad," game. I'm very straight-up about whatever's bugging me. I'm very clear about what I find acceptable and unacceptable in terms of behavior - and I don't understand women who aren't.

I don't know...I've read some stuff here by Aspie man that makes it appear that they're so worried about finding someone, dating someone, making love to someone, that they're willing to date anyone who's willing to date them. And that just seems dysfunctional to me. It's important to know the good qualities you bring to a relationship, to be honest about the negatives, and be willing to compromise and to change what you can - but it's also important to pick a woman who shares that same level of self-knowledge, and willingness to do the work. I just don't think you've met her yet.

I think you're probably right - what you're describing sounds like a dream come true to me, but extremely improbable: why would someone go to all that trouble?

LotusBlossom has a very good point that the level of "Aspieness" make a big difference.

For example, I'm pretty low-maintenance, the major factors in a relationship for me boil down to just a couple of major things:

1. In order to communicate effectively with me, you need to be verbally literal to an extent which often seems completely ridiculous.

2. You have to understand that from an NT point of view, my "outsides" often don't match my "insides": I can't tell you how many times a woman "rejected" a compliment/statement ("I Love you") because I didn't say it like I *meant* it. Trust me, I really *do* mean it even if my words lack the inflection/intonation/whatever that an NT needs to hear in order to "believe" me.

I have never openly disclosed my AS to a potential girlfriend, I haven't dated anyone since my diagnosis. I know that it is very important that I disclose this , but I'm not really sure about how/when to do it (if I ever manage to get a date)

shoot, throw in a decent job and I'd date you.

And Toad, thank you - that was a very sweet comment - and I don't believe your soul is crushed - it's too resilient to crush.