Why do women always like to mess with guys?

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No matter how hard I try, for some reason when a women tells me this I can't get it that they are letting me down easy. I always feel they are not being honest with me and disrespecting me. Maybe its my AS, maybe its the fact I have had alot of women tell me they want to be friends when they are not interested at all. I don't know.

When I get to know someone I tell them I need them to try to be honest with what they say and do. I tell them I have trouble reading people and I take what is said literally. Then when I start to have more feelings for them and tell them how I feel I get the friends line or that they are not ready for a relationship but a week later they introduce me to there new boyfriend. I don't tell them to be honest and tell them how I feel about them in the same conversation, that would be too much.

Its not your aspergers syndrome, its your way of thinking. Of course it not easy when you know they're blatently lying, but they do it so they don't have to deal with any aftermath of you packing a sad at the reasons or they don't want to hurt you. One of those 2. Maybe you just shouldn't tell them how you feel. How soon do you do this? It could come across as creepy. Most pople just let things play out and don't say that at all.

What you really want is for a woman to be more than friends, right? If that is what you actually want, maybe you should relax your honesty standards some. There are very few women who can stand to constantly be on trial and under scrutiny for how honest they are. If you want a woman to stay and not reject you, you are going to have to start cutting them some slack. I couldn't bear to be with a man who had my every utterance under a magnifying glass looking for dishonesty and who was that hair-trigger angry about it rather than simply confused as some of the other posters are. This may be what is causing the women to reject yiou. If you can relax that "be honest with me or I will be VERY ANGRY "vibe, women will be more inclined to stay rather than mumbling a white lie and bolting. And that's what you want, isn't it? For them to stay? You asked once what was this vibe that was causing women to bolt and I think this may be it. They can't bear that level of scrutiny and they can't bear how angry you will obviously be if they are judged dishonest so they bolt and find a man who will cut them slack.

If you will be the man who will cut them slack, they will be far more likely to stay with you. But if you insist that this is the moral high road and you can't accept anything else, they will reject you. Cut them some slack and stop demanding this 24/7/365 honesty. They will stay. Or demand it. They will leave. The choice is yours.

I probably do ask that alot. Too soon as well. I don't want to make an excuse for why I do it, but with my AS I have to ask this because I have alot of trouble reading people.

I always thought that if a woman told an ex-boyfriend the truth if it involved her finding a new guy, it would be more of a deterrent, and the guy would actually be intimidated and back off, rather than try to get revenge.

Yep, I'm willing to bet thats what drives them away. Seriously if a guy I hardly knew did that to me I would be gone faster than you can say "the flash". You DON'T have to do it. It's not doing you any good doing it. Instead of telling her how you feel, just ask her if she wants to see a movie or something, if thats a no, then she isn't intersted. If thats a yes, things can move on from there.



Like I said, it depends on the guy. A lot of psychos out there ruining it for the non psychos.

Huh, I would be intrigued and interested (though what would I know? ) I for one don't think that "please be honest with me, I take things literally" is a universally bad thing to say to someone; it would work on me if on no one else. I do agree it's unlikely to work as a conversational gambit with someone you don't know, because many people "read" that sort of statement as "my brain doesn't work like yours, therefore I'm a vague threat to you, stop talking to me now*." I don't know what I'd do. Find a bunch of people who were more used to the idea of oddness, I guess. (I know that's a difficult thing to ask. )

(edit)

*I suppose I should say more fully - I am quite aware of the danger inherent in trusting random strangers, but that would not be something that would trigger distrust in me.

Last edited by Ambivalence on 19 Nov 2009, 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well look at what its done.

It HASN'T made anyone honest with him. Why even bother saying it?

Also I think more the case he needs to avoid telling women he thinks they would make a good couple..he has strong feelings for them.. very very bad move.

Have you considered that you were simply 'targeted' for being socially inept, much the same way as other men and women on this site are 'targeted'? Narcissists and sociopaths want to get along easy, and they'll go with the easiest prey they can manipulate.

I do understand where you're coming from, as I've been through the exact same path, and the exact same feelings. I worked past it when I started reading up on sociology, psychology, and looking at all of it from an evolutionary perspective. Looking for people like myself has done more than any other approach I've taken. I haven't had as many blows to my self esteem doing it this way either.

Just try to remember the more unique you are, the harder it is to find someone like yourself. When people date, their primary goal is to find someone 'like themselves'. Embrace the fact that not many women will be suitable for your personality. You'll have to search far and wide, but if you keep your head up, and live life well, you'll find her.

If it is strongly true, then it is very important, and it would be lying (of sorts) by omission not to mention it fairly often. That may not work - it may not fool people into thinking "ah, okay, this person is normal" instead of "this person is strange, flee!" - but I can understand it as being the right, (though doomed), thing to do. At the least, he's going to need someone reasonably prepared to accept that he does not necessarily respond to things in an ordinary way.



Hmm, well, yeah. I believe in love at first sight (having fallen in love with my now-ex at first sight, not an unreasonable belief) but not so much in knowing-for-sure-you're-compatible-very-quickly. It's not something I'd say.

There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express your feelings. You are getting the response you are getting because of the method you chose.

Compare:

"Why do all women lie?"

With:

"I've had such bad experiences recently that it makes me feel like all women lie."

The first is expressed as a fact and makes you sound like you hate women. The second is expressed as a personal opinion that you recognize may not be entirely fair. Which would YOU rather hear about your gender?

Compare:

"Why do all men use women as sex objects?"

With:

"After some recent experiences I am feeling like all men use women as sex objects."

As for your other concern, wondering why every other woman you've been interested in has screwed with or used you, I posted on it long ago. I believe that when people aren't really ready for a relationship they intentionally, subconsciously, pick the wrong people. My younger sister for years and years couldn't get excited about a man who didn't have deep relationship issues and was destined to leave her. She picked the jerks, and she at least recognized the pattern. So you're picking the female equivalent of jerks. That doesn't mean all women are like that any more than my sister's experience meant that all men had deep seated relationship issues (she did get married last year, btw, for the first time, at 42). For some subconscious reason you are choosing only to be interested in women that aren't going to take you as you are and give you what you need. Not all women are like that, its a selection you've made. You can't solve it until you see it.

Agreed. And I'd add that "99%" is still an expression of the first, not the second.

Why can't we say that 99% of women AND men are complete bags of tripe? There are very few that have both the intelligence and compassion I'm looking for, but luckily they gravitate towards very similar social groups.

Because that makes it sound like you basically feel yourself superior to the rest of the human race?

My husband told me a funny story and he told me when we first met in real life, he told me he has a feeling we are going to get married. I freaked out and didn't want to see him and he said to give us a chance. I laughed when he told me that story. Shame I don't remember what i said to him. Good thing I did stay with him and I saw him as naive. He didn't seem like the type of guy with anger issues and someone who has a bad temper.

You need to learn the stuff like what CerebralDreamer said, get obsessed with it until you understand NTs.