The Unfortunate Myth of Unconditional Love

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Hohoho! Someone has just heard the phrase "Supply and Demand" and run off in a mini with it.

Maybe I'm taking this too literally, but there is absolutely no unconditional anything. Everything depends upon a condition. If you love someone or something it is because of something, it is never because of nothing.

wow, I wouldn't want to be you.

(and you probably wouldn't want to be me, so it's a push)

Merle

lol I have my sappy moments. For instance tonight I was lying on the couch thinking how nice it would be to have a pretty daughter who loved me and called me daddy ... totally irrational of course, just a passing fancy.

now, except for the 'daddy' I can relate. my only child I ever carried to term, a daughter, was removed from me at birth by the State of California because I was 17 unmarried and she was 'illigitimate'. sometimes I pine for her when I wake up in the night. it was 42 years ago, you would think I would have forgotten by now.

Merle

No, you're not taking it too literally. This is precisely HopeGrows original point.

Lots of people on this thread are really taking the word "unconditional" for granted. Unconditional love means that there is no condition that exists that could change one's love for another.
Thus, the myth.

I think this is a fascinating perspective. I cannot understand it but I appreciate your input.

My thoughts on the subject: when I have limitless access to money, technology, etc., my mood can be either high or low; but when I am with the people I love, my mood is happy. So love is more dependable for me in that respect.

Love is derived from chemicals; as a social emotion, if you have a brain oriented towards feeling love, I don't think you can outgrow it. An exception would be a judge I heard about who suffered severe brain damage and never experienced any emotions ever again.

I personally would not want to outgrow it, given the chance; love has motivated me when I had no other motivation. I also just derive extreme pleasure from it. I realize this is irrational, but it's how I am.

It's irrational to work towards fulfillment of desired terms?


This is a point of confusion for me as well. But I think that the confusion stems from some kind of semantical idiosyncrasy.

Well to put it crudely, someone only 'loves' you if they are getting something from you ... it might be crude money or it might be something emotional (intangible if you wish to use big words) ... but anyway, show me an example of a love relationship that doesn't involve giving and taking ... a child that grows up to 'love' a neglectful parent that abused it or never bought it any clothes? ... even then, the 'love' is probably based on some primitive material need. Yes, as the poster above me says, love is regulated by chemicals as are all thoughts and body functions; the world is materialistic and deterministic, not spiritual, I'm afraid to say.

Personally I think unconditional love in a romantic relationship is unhealthy. Conditions don't have to be unreasonable or numerous but there needs to be some just so you can kind of register that your not the only one giving in the relationship. I think true love (for lack of a better term) is not having to check in on those conditions, just knowing that they will be met because they care and that you want to return the favor (want being the important word, when it starts feeling like a have to there's a problem somewhere that needs addressing). Basically I think the conditions (even if your not aware of them) are built in to help you notice when something is wrong, like an alarm system trigger. So the way I see it the lack of the unconditional love thing isn't necessarily a bad thing. Anyone who tries to pass of unconditional love as true love is frankly trying to take advantage of the person they are asking it of (and totally missing the fact that demanding it is a condition lol). Which, also kind of dispels the unconditional love doesn't exist thing (unless you get technical and include that someone wanting loved back is a condition), because it does but it is usually a one sided thing where someone loves unconditionally and that fact is either taken advantage of from the get go or they are cultivated to that point by a very manipulative individual using the "if you'd love me you'd do this" sort of thing. This is actually a common tactic used by pimps, especially those who prey on younger girls and boys.

I think love is unhygienic. I think the reason why I think that is because I have never been loved, or have never felt loved, nor been able to love anyone other than myself, who I also happen to hate. I have however felt other emotions - homicidal, suicidal, sexual - so I can attest to the reality of these other emotional states.

I think unconditional love can exist between partners. Even in the case of cheating or abuse, separation, which is obviously a good idea, doesn't necessary mean you stop loving and abandon that person. You wouldn't abandon your brother or sister or kid, why abandon the person you consider the most important in your life?

I will say it's probably rare though. People don't really prioritize romantic relationships that highly anymore.

There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic relationship, anyone who believes anything else is a fool and only kidding themselves. I've suffered as a result of this in a previous relationship and it's no fun being on the receiving end of an unfair load of hurt because the other person is dealing with incorrect notions (she basically totally let herself go and had a nervous breakdown because I pointed it out after three years of being supportive failed to help)
Unconditional love only exists in a family setting.

It'd be nice to be loved unconditionally no matter what you do.

well, it would be conditional on the partner refraining from beating their lover or threatening to kill them, for example. so they could still hold love for each other (though hopefully not) but the abuser would hopefully be "abandoned".

even a family member could be cut off, for example if i had a sibling that stole my money to go gambling, i would probably remove them from my life for practical reasons. that could be considered abandonment.

I think that morality, standards, regulations for relationships, what people care about, what people value, and what external forces people choose to govern what they think of these as they apply to others are codified from the inside out. Agency rests in individuals, and so no system of logic intrinsically dominates another. So for example, I don't personally care about adultery, and my tolerance for abuse/violence doesn't come from externally imposed standards. I don't like when people are judgmental of others, and don't like when looking out for other's well-being is indistinguishable from interfering with their agency. Which people most-certainly deserve if their actions primarily affect themselves and not others.

As people we exist within societal institutions, legal institutions, language/cultural institutions, and amongst other people. If I could get immersed enough in one relationship that I lose my bearings of my place within all the lines drawn by others around me, distinctions between relationships that are possible and ones that aren't valid, it would probably be more taxing in some ways, probably more intense in others, and probably profoundly humanizing. People have lived in contexts radically differing from eachother since we've come into existence, so where does any person get the authority to declare what 'love's are real, which ones are valid, what its limitations are? I define love as the fill-in-the-blank force connecting two people or a person and something else.

So I find the wording of the OP very final, but their black/white-ness is something that's outside of myself. If I decide to stay with or leave a person, it will have nothing to do with the way other people regulate my relationship by attempting to regulate the terms of love. Love is infinitely more powerful if it isn't fixed to a definition, or standard, or limitations, or regulated. The agency to define my love towards another person is completely my own, and whatever I feel towards other people doesn't depend on others for validation.

Anyways, advocate against violence, and not victims dealing inappropriately in response to violence. Break up with your own boyfriends over adultery, don't expect it of others. Don't impose your ideologies on other people. If they legitimately don`t care, it's not your problem, or business. - DM