best way to deal with relationship problem

Post Reply New Topic

I'm ready to move on make a new start. All of the drama and emotions were over and done within two weeks. Its been quite a long time since i've had to go through that process. Its horrid, It feels like an internal death of your personality. And then you emerge from it not the same.

But it was turning into a detremental relationship so it was for the best it came to a mutal end. Though I have a feeling it would not take much to get back together again i don't really want to use someone I respect too much for a "friendship of conveniance" seeing as ultimately i am moving on one way or the other.



One stupendous outburst of emotion, followed by a brief emotional numbness, followed by burnout, followed by ambivolent indifferance.

Good thing im leaving my job within a week, i just simply don't care anymore and I think the rather unconvincing false sincerity act is just not cutting the mustard anymore. IF I were my manager I wouldn't accept someone in my mental state to still be in a position I am, someone doesnt recover from burnout just like that, shes either a fool or couldn't care less. It's pretty aweful that I've convinced myself to go through with this simply for financial conveniance so I have more £££ in reserve before my new job starts.

Now I have to find out what kind of person I am again.

The thing is, you can't know why he's been behaving this way....he may not even know. I agree that his behavior is non-sensical: when you realize you're not with the right person, the logical response is to end the relationship - not to continually berate your ex for not being who/what you needed.

I think the more pertinent question for you to consider may be why you've continued to read his texts? I went through a similar situation recently, although our break-up may have been a little more mutual than yours (at least I thought it was at the time). A few weeks went by and my ex started making comments that made it very clear that he felt a great deal of contempt for me. I was surprised (not because I'm universally loved or anything), but because we really weren't together all that long, the word "love" was never used, I never lied to him about anything, no money was involved, no commitment made - and he was the one who initiated the break-up. Even though I cared for him quite a bit - I was actually quite smitten (I hoped he was "the one") - I agreed to the break-up, and left him alone.

I found that I couldn't stop reading all the lousy things he said about me - and I wanted to stop. The things he said were so hurtful, and I was upset about losing the relationship to begin with....but I couldn't ignore his comments. I realized that each time I read something he'd written, I hoped to discover that he'd gotten it all out of his system - that he'd come to his senses and realized that I didn't deserve all his anger. Maybe he'd realize that I'd suffered enough - maybe he'd take pity on me. Maybe he'd even realize he'd made a mistake, or offer an apology....at the very least, maybe he'd just stop raking me over the coals. I think I wanted that small amount of validation: even if I wasn't worth his love, or the effort it would take to build a good life together - maybe I was worth some small amount of mercy. I finally had to accept the simple, universal truth that was staring me in the face: the part of him that was invested in hurting me so badly after we broke up was the part of him that caused the break-up in the first place. He didn't value me, he didn't love me, he didn't think I was worth the effort, or even pity...he didn't feel the need to reign in his behavior and treat me with respect. If he'd felt any of that for me, we'd have stayed together. Even in the face of all that evidence, I continued to look for even the tiniest glimpse of the guy I'd fallen for.

OP, I had to learn another nuance of a very old lesson: nobody else can validate me; nobody else can provide the self-esteem I need to make it through my life; nobody else can prove that I'm worthy of love or happiness, or effort - or even pity. He's responsible for his own behavior. When I finally realized that I have just as much to offer to a relationship as I did before I met him - that I'm still the same "me" - I stopped hoping for his validation....I stopped waiting for him to come to his senses. I stopped torturing myself with questions like, "How could anyone who cared about me even a little say this stuff?" The answer was right there: he didn't care about me - not the way I deserve to be cared about. And you know what? I survived, OP - and you will, too.

Your right Hopegrows, I should just not read the texts. Its like in wuthering heights at the end of the book when Heathcliff is begging Kathy to haunt him, I guess Im haveing failure to let go also. Sometimes it seems any contact is valuable even if it is horrible it is better than none at all.

I shall disapline myself.

I hear you - I really do. As heartbreaking as it is, you have to remind yourself that the part of him that's saying these hurtful things to you is just as real as the part of him that used to say the lovely things as well. And unfortunately, the part of him that wants to hurt you - for whatever reason - is the part that's in control of his behavior right now. For what it's worth, his drive to hurt you is most likely not about you. I say that because, even though you have probably had your share of difficulties as a couple (you must have, because you're breaking up), his behavior is so abnormal that it seems like it must be fueled by something "bigger" than you or your relationship.

It's hard when you love someone, and you find yourself in the path of their unresolved issues/feelings from prior relationships (with a former partner, parent, abuser, etc.). The anger they feel is genuine and real and incredibly powerful - it's just not legitimately directed at you. It's also very, very difficult to be able to remove your own emotions sufficiently from the situation to realize that it's not about you. Let's face it....someone hurts you, your initial response is to hurt them back....and that cycle takes on a life of it's own, and it only complicates the situation.

So please try to stop the cycle you're in now - stop reading his texts. If you can stop fueling your own emotions, you'll be better able to see (eventually) that he would have behaved this way toward anyone who disappointed him romantically. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love, or loved him at any point - these are problems he needs to resolve on his own. You can't fix him. You can't love him enough, or give him enough, or be supportive enough. Until he heals the damage from his parental relationships (and any other relationships he's had along the way), he's going to remain unable to receive the love you had to give. He's only going to be capable of destruction. Don't let him destroy you.

Problems can be resolved, and avoidance is the worst way to deal with them. ... we communicate and do out best to understand each other

@AllyAshantiBrown, I don't think you know the history behind the OP's post. It would probably serve you well to remember that communication takes two people, one goal. If you don't have that, all the communication in the world isn't going to help.

By the third response I was thinking "dump the guy, he's nothing but bad trash" and glad it worked out that way.

It's unfortunate as we often hope for the best in people and try to reconcile even the most difficult relationships hoping something better will spring from it. It makes the effort seem worthwhile.

But after a time, no amount of effort spent during a bad relationship will generate enough positive response. This seemed like one of those cases.

I thought that by the end of the first post. I read through about two more of the OP's posts, and realized that it's a pretty cut and dry case. Neither the OP nor her 'boyfriend' wants to be alone. The boyfriend has a bad attitude that he clearly isn't willing to correct.

If it were just a matter of poor self esteem, and confusion, I would say to show pity on him. When someone takes out their negative feelings on other people, it's much much different. That can't be tolerated under any circumstances. I don't care if someone is about to die from cancer, that doesn't give them the right to tear everyone else down for their own twisted sense of self-worth.

People shouldn't put up with verbal, physical, or emotional abuse under any circumstances. I can understand if it was a rare one-off thing, but if it's a regular occurrence, they're not going to change as long as they have someone to cling onto, and give them the attention they want. The only solution is to let go of them, and hope they go alone long enough to figure out what they're doing wrong, otherwise they're just going to find someone else to make miserable.