So how do I get a boyfriend?

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horses**t and BS are very fertile for agriculture , we need more horse/cattle s**t.

Please , Bethie, give us more of your s**t.

Would like to point out that this doesn't apply to those of us who are asexual, at all.
It's like saying you must play chess or canoe every so often to "solidify" the relationship.

I seriously disagree about the "desperate shots" thing.

Quite a few women with AS on these forums have been very promiscuous, as they themselves have stated. I wonder what distinctions one can find between your group and theirs.

To clarify, I haven't never had a boyfriend. I spent 14 years with one man and 10 years with another. (They eventally couldn't deal with me because I was too weird and too sick (I also have Chronic Fatigue)). I am now alone again at 46.

The point I was making in my post is that in a 3 year period of being in contact with the same people daily, no one hit on me, in spite of some of the men here on WP who keep saying that all you have to do as a woman is sit there and wait to be hit on.

It is not as easy as putting yourself out there, even in a group of like minded people and for a long period. There is not some magnet that attracts men to a woman just because she is female and present and not horribly ugly.



Perhaps the difference is simply looks? I've often felt that I was spared being stared at as an object and preyed on because the way I look is rather average. (But then I was also relegated to having no advances to fend off.) If I had to choose I would rather be ignored!

Last edited by bee33 on 13 Sep 2010, 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was referring to Chronos.

What are you referring to, Boo? I'm genuinely interested in how the "approach" should differ. Also interested in what you mean by looking "decent", as you said in your first post.

Just have normal stuff to talk about and learn how to better connect with people emotionally?

I've found that it's not hard to be "attractive" to people (in the general sense rather than sexually/romantically speaking) as long as you present yourself as a normal person with relatively normal interests. it's the connecting emotionally part that I'm having trouble with, and as long as I can't be open with anyone I've always thought why bother finding a boy"friend" at all. (Plus, the general yet consistent attitude that "girls just have to look good and not be annoying" isn't exactly a turn-on for me, and as long as I have a choice I'd rather not deal with creatures who have this mindset on a level beyond business-related relationship, thanks.)

Oh, is that all?

Yeah!

There are many ways to find love and it depends on you, and what you are looking for, as to how you go about it

If you want a relationship, a similar level of attractiveness, similar friends and interests, similar taste in music and politics, similar financial positions, of course these are IDEAL considerations.

When I had dogs, all my GF's were dog owners. Sometimes they had a partner or hubby at home

Sex in the bushes with the dogs tied up was a quikkie sexual experience that brings back fond memories. Those doggie girls! I sure miss having a dog

A non-attractive person should make a double effort in order to impress someone else. A short man for instance can't approach a tall girl in the same way a taller man would approach her, a heavy weighted girl can't approach that handsome guy the same way a model would approach him.

This is basically a restatement of the post I inquired about.

How would the "approach" differ?

Dress elegant but not expensive. There is something very attractive about a girl that stands out just a bit above the rest.

I assume you're not good at talking (most with AS have this issue) then practice a warm smile and a direct-to-the-eye look. Some guys like to talk a lot .. give 'em rope and let them. When its your turn to talk let him know you like to be brief when you speak. We consider a girl that doesn't chat for the sake of chatting to be a rare find.

Don't overdo the make-up or jewelry. The more makeup and the more jewelry a girl has the greater the avoidance factor. Either she is high maintainance or has something to cover or worse yet, is underage and trying to look older with layers of paint.

As to HOW to get a bf... well.. its hard for us here on avg to get a gf. The above will only give you a better chance of getting a guy to talk to you..after that its up to you. This is likely where most of us guys and girls here fail in

alternatively... you got guys here that may live in your area... meet in public place and take it from there.

*sigh*

I like your attitude btw, you're trying to say that "All people are of the same league" , and "all people should use the same approach".

and I like your "I Know everything, I am experience, your opinions are all bullshits"

But those attitudes are illogical.

The world of an attractive person is not the same of the world of the unattractive person.


Let's take two extreme cases : a gorgeous man and a terrible ugly man.

People judge the ugly people more harshly and are far more tolerant toward the handsome people. There are plenty of studies that prove that fact.

A gorgeous man might open the door for a ladies , and he would be thanked and even flirted by them.

Just replace the gorgeous man with the very ugly man (same clothes, perfume , hygiene...) and many ladies won't even thank him, what' s worse that some of them might even give him the stare of death (Ew , what a creep).

A gorgeous man for example might just need acceptable social skills ,it would be enough for him to flirt around in a bar and he would get the full attention of at least one woman.

The ugly man (with same wealth/education) can't use this same approach , he must be more socially skilled and canny in order to attract some woman. First of all, he must re-consider his target , it would be harder for the ugly man to beat the handsome men who are roaming over the most gorgeous model in the bar , so he might have to aim at a different target and he should approach her more slowly in a way to reveal his good personality little by little till he compensates what he lacks in looks.

Of course ,here we are talking about two men with the same level of social skills , education, same self-esteem....

But in real life , the ugly man would more likely have faced a harsher childhood , would have been more bullied , more mocked , more rejected by girls ....... all those will negatively affect his social skills and self-esteem and hence his ability to attract the opposite sex. So things are usually even worse for the ugly man.

For example ,some researches showed that taller man are more likely to earn than shorter men:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/scie ... aims..html

Why is that? it's because of the self-esteem which was shaped during childhood , self-esteem is largely affected by how your peers treat you. A tall man is less bullied , less rejected , less mocked , less picked on (if ever!) and more likely to be better in sports , and hence better self-esteem as adult.



I recall another study about women , and how beauty greatly affects their chances in mating.
They made two groups : the first a group is a bunch of gorgeous girls with model-like physical traits and the second group is a bunch of average too below average-looking girls (overweighted, bad teeth , no-proportional body ...etc ).

Each girl has to purposely throws books at the floor (acting if it happened accidentally) in a crowded college's hall and some spy researcher would count the number of men and women who approached to help her. Each girl did that a specific number of times.

The average different between the 2 groups was huge , it was about x10 times more. (some women were always approached by 1 to 2 men, while other women were always approached by 8 to 12 men at a time).

What does that mean? That means that a beautiful girl would drag the attention of a lot of men when she's in distress (her books are on the floor, the poor girl!) while the poor less beautiful girl would be more like ...invisible.


Another study I recall well used the same books technique , but this time with just one girl. The first phase was to do this x of times while she is presented in a sexy way ( sexy dress, make-up , haircut ....etc) and the other phase while she's presented in a non sexy way (glasses, geeky hair , reserved dress....etc). The difference in average was also huge.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 14 Sep 2010, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't like makeup, or jewelry. The feel of it drives me crazy such that the only thing I can think about is getting home to get it off.

Only petite and/or sassy women can pull off elegant. Elegant is a set of mannerisms, not clothing, and my posturing abilities is very limited.

I have horrible coordination and I spend the majority of my time in crowds trying to stay out of the way, and I fail 80% of the time.

So while your advice is appreciated (obviously, since I asked for it) and would be perfectly sound for someone who is NT, I do not think it really serves a woman with AS because our neurological wiring is such that it prevents us from acting like NT women in the first place.

I often advise men with AS, after doing a rundown of the "how not to be a creep" post, to approach a woman just by going up and saying hello and a few additional lines, but I do this knowing that a woman automatically knows this is a pickup and will help him carry the conversation if she's interested. If this weren't the case, and women expected him to carry the entire conversation on his own, to men with AS I'd say "sorry, you're in deep sh!t" because I know they are not generally capable of such a thing.

The things many of you have advised, I do not think most women with AS are capable of because we have the same impairments of you and more is expected of us in the non-verbal realm. For example, smiling. I am rather bad at this. I do not have a nice smile because it is usually not a natural smile in the context I have been told to use it.

I actually have very limited range of facial expressions to the extent that I have very few lines. I also have very deep sunken eyes with dark circles and red rimmed eyelids so when I do smile I'm told I look a bit crazed.