Why are a lot of women on here so hypocritical???

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Hale Bopp is not one to comment on who's picky.

Pickiness is just part of natural selection, people really just need to get over themselves. Sadly it tends to grate against the human psyche. Yeah It may be illogical to some, but it really is just a aspect of the human condition. EVERYONE is picky to a degree, to say that you are not is a total and blatant lie.

I really don't get it. If someone is being picky and deliberately narrows their own choices, they are the only ones who live with the consequences. If they are fine with that and don't whine about being single, how is it anybody else's business?!

I think it's much worse when people start seeing a relationship as a goal per se or have no idea what they want and end up marrying the first willing candidate or the flashiest one. If you really want to live with someone for the rest of your life or have children with them you'd better make sure first they are a good match for you. This will automatically weed out a lot of candidates.

If on the other hand you just want to have some fun or a casual relationship, diversity will only make it better

It isn't anybody's business so long as it doesn't affect anybody else. But I do start getting nervous when picky people are filled with rage that the select people they picked didn't feel the same for them. George Sodini (him again) seemed to be one of these people. I read his diary after this all happened (it was linked all over the place back then) and he was picky. He was an ugly middle aged man but he didn't go for ugly middle aged women. Instead he went for buff and beautiful women in their 20's. And then he was filled with rage when his pickiness was met by pickiness of their own. Some people (like him) think that the right to be picky does not extend to the people they are attracted to. Those are the people I worry about.

But people who say, "I wish I wasn't so picky", or "I can't seem to find too many people who match up to what I like" or similar things are taking responsibility for their pickiness and not roiling with rage...no worries.

Sure you're right, that's why I said "if they are fine with it (narrowing their choices) and don't whine about being single" (I probably should have mentioned blaming others and feelings of entitlement). When I was dating I used to be very "picky" (I didn't have a list though and my standards had nothing to do with looks and money) and knowing what I wanted helped me find the right person. Under the circumstances I've already described, I still think it's nobody's business how I make my choices - I am the one who will live with the consequences...

I agree. A few people have said that they'd rather die alone than date someone who doesn't meet their present requirements. I'll just take their word for it, in which case there's nothing wrong with that.

Which leads me back to the point that I was making earlier: people are typically poor judges of what (or rather, who) would be best for them. So those who desire a relationship with the opposite sex aren't better off being really picky from the outset, but rather having fairly liberal minimum requirements and usually casually dating several people before making a long-term commitment.

Sure, plenty of them seem to be, but most people will be even worse judges of what someone else needs.



Yes, that would be a decent solution for the aforementioned problem - do plenty of exploring/experimenting when you're young and even more important try to properly know and understand yourself - that's how you start figuring out what you need instead of what you want.

Sorry, I'm running a fever and didn't express myself clearly enough . Until 25 I've dated very different types of men (sometimes the contrast was shocking to others) and it was great learning experience. So basically what I meant was do plenty of "research" and exploring of yourself and others when you're young and think long and hard before making a commitment.

Technically, I only dated 2 guys for a total of 11 weeks of "research" so I have a lot of catching up to do before I'm old. At this point, I haven't figured out much of what I need apart from a guy who isn't a cheater/abuser who doesn't criticize my appearance. How much more research do I have to do?

I've been struggling how to word this post in a way that won't piss other users off for about 20 minutes and I'm just going to post this anyway. :/

I don't see why would anybody be pissed by what you said, Erisad. But I have the flue and my brain cells swim in... no, you don't want to know

I hope this isn't patronising but you're still very young. I didn't really knew who I was or what I wanted at 21 either, despite having much more experience than you. But I thought I did and had no patience about it either.

From your posts here, I'd say you have to major hurdles - you don't like or accept yourself/obsess too much over what others think of you and you're too concerned about dating/sex.

I can't offer any magic solution - nobody can, but I can tell you that much - if I would have seen myself where I am now 15 years ago I would have gaped in disbelief. Just like you, but for different reasons, I used to be very unhappy and sad. I was very intense about it and would have probably smirked at anybody suggesting I'll ever feel differently. And I'm not going to lie either - I'm in a good place now but getting here was hard as hell, full of disappointments, suffering and heartbreak. I think deep down you're a nice girl and I know it sounds cheesy, but you should learn to love yourself a little.

Well, I have to be careful of everything I post in this forum in particular. :/

It's true. I feel that I don't have enough time to enjoy the dating world since I'll be graduating in May. I'll be thrust into the life of a boring adult with bills to pay and will have no time/money to enjoy the company of anyone apart from my family and coworkers. Basically, life's going to suck once I graduate college. My life will revolve around work and that's it. It happened to everyone else in my family who didn't get married before finishing school.

I think I'm a nice girl on the surface too, not just deep down. Do I appear to be something else on the surface? Trust me, if I was capable of loving myself, I would have accomplished it by now. I've hated myself for 11 years now. It'll probably take until I'm too senile to care for that to change.

I think you felt attacked so often here that you've became very suspicious - no, I didn't mean you're not nice on the surface, I meant I think you'll find more things to like/love about yourself if you would get to know yourself better

As for the rest - what can I say? I've never even started that boring adult life you're talking about and hope I never will. Yes, there are bills to pay and responsibilities and work. Hopefully, my life will never revolve around that - I would lose my mind

I've had similar problems Erisad, and it's only been in the last year or two that I've started to learn to like myself more (although it's a long slow process with a lot of backsliding.) My best advice to give you would be to try and take the compliments you recieve seriously as much as you can - try to believe people when they say nice things about you, and it will slowly filter through to your subconscious.

I can say to you right now, you seem like a lovely, kind, intelligent, good hearted person - and definitely a very attractive person personality-wise (I can't say anything about physical appearance as I have never seen a picture of you, but I've heard other posters say you're very pretty also).

Yup. There are lots of times where I fill out a post and delete it because I'm afraid other users will attack me. I only post something that's really bothering me, which is why I feel other users feel that all I talk about is my insecurities. If I posted all the stuff I deleted, I would have a wider variety of posts.

How do I get to know myself? I'm around me all day so I don't know how I'd go about that. >.>

It happens to a lot of my family, especially my mom. She goes to work and comes home and will only go out to eat with her friends once a month. All she has is her coworkers and her family. I feel like the exact thing is going to happen to me, only without the marriage, children and divorce so I'll feel even lonelier. She was able to get the marriage because she was beautiful when she was young. I never had that.

It'll be very difficult but I can try. Thanks a bunch for your kind words though.

There are some pictures of me in other post-your-pic threads. The easiest one to find me in would be the "Aspies with Glasses" thread in the Adult Issues forum.

See, you do worry too much about the way others will react. Sure, it sucks to be attacked but you can tell them to back off - as far as you respect the rules, you should be able to post anything you want, just be careful how you phrase it. You'll be judged and attacked IRL for all kind of things, all the time - we all are. What people think of you and the way you live your life is not important - you're the one who has to live with your decisions, so let them harp and do what's best for you (of course, I'm not talking about friendly advice or people who try to help)



That's a lonely road, I'm afraid. Explore your possibilities, discover and test your strengths and your weaknesses, get out of your comfort zone. Try to broaden your horizons - if you can't travel, read and learn about different cultures and times - it helps opening your mind and you'll soon find many others struggled the same way you do.



Maybe your mother didn't want more or thought she couldn't have it. If you cannot continue your studies and must get a job, keep concentrating and learning more about the things you like and are good at, develop your abilities on your own - that's how I finally ended up having a profession I like, although it took me a long time to get here. Learn a foreign language or something not many people are able to do well - you can do that without going to school, it will just take a bit longer. You shouldn't confine yourself to a boring, suffocating life because that's what others expect of you. You deserve better.

I wish I could be more specific, but our backgrounds/places we live in and circumstances are so different, I'm not sure what to say. I just made sacrifices and gave up anything above subsistence level so I could finish my studies/pursue what interested me.

And sunshower is right - you seem to be a lovely girl and your pictures are very pretty (although coming from another woman this might not mean much to you). I know you work hard to improve your physical appearance - in an year or two you might look drop dead gorgeous, but you'll still have the same problems if you don't improve your self esteem and learn to respect yourself (including demanding more from life)

I've tried telling certain users to back off and apologizing but sometimes they just won't. Apparently, some of them think I'm a troll regardless of the fact that I don't fulfill any of the requirements for being a troll. :/

I have absolutely no idea about how to go about breaking my comfort zones in a way that isn't illegal. I have a lot of readings to do normally, since I'm in three literature courses right now and a lot of them have to do with those in another cultures. So I'm kind of doing that already. >.<

Yeah, I'm graduating and I am not going to get a Master's or a PHD because I can't afford it at this point. It's what will happen though. Until I move out of my home forever, I won't be able to see any of my friends again since I live far away from them. So I really will have nothing but family and work. Office relationships usually end badly so those are out of the question.

I don't see anything to respect about myself. I'm unemployed, don't have my license and can't maintain a relationship to save my life or anything else that women are respected for. How do I demand something from life? Do I send an angry letter? Who would I mail it to? XD

I apologize if I'm pissing you off. A lot of users would have yelled at me for being negative and complaining too much by now. I know I do complain a bit but I have no one to talk to IRL about this stuff.

Last edited by Erisad on 10 Oct 2010, 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.