With the wrong person?

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I realize that if he knows that I know I am worth it... HE knows I am worth it too.

Yup....sort of commanding respect by respecting yourself.

Well, the fact that she's somewhere on the spectrum does affect my impression of her behavior....but it doesn't really change your situation. I understand the guilt you'd feel over "condemning" your wife for showing her Aspie traits - but does her potential diagnosis really change your perception of her as a mate? I understand that a diagnosis can explain behaviors, and give more clarity to which behaviors are voluntary vs. involuntary - but at the end of the day, an individual either wants to be a better mate or doesn't, you know?

For example, if my Aspie man says that something I said is stupid, I can say - very directly, with no room for misunderstanding, "I object to you referring to what I expressed as "stupid." It is an incredibly harsh way to communicate with someone you care about. I'm not stupid, so I don't engage in stupid behavior. Let's not characterize each other's thoughts and feelings as stupid. It's just hurtful and doesn't help us resolve our problems." What he does with that statement is entirely up to him: he can apologize; he can try to rationalize what he said; he can ask for time to process it; he can dump me; he can ignore it....the choice he makes is about his character, his values, his willingness to acknowledge, accept and accommodate his own Aspieness; his level of maturity. Honestly, it's so much more about individual character, values, maturity, co-morbid conditions, levels of dysfunction, and a willingness to deal with being Aspie and it's impact on primary relationships that will make an individual a good or bad mate - rather than just a diagnosis. If the man I say that to wants to be a good mate - he'll realize that being a good mate is a learning experience, that requires growth and adaptation and patience and humility. Building, supporting and nurturing a loving relationship is a process that takes two people who are committed to the effort. Blatantly disregarding your partner's feelings is not how a good partner behaves - Aspie or NT.



I'm not really sure why you insist on taking all the responsibility for the failure of the relationship. You referred to yourself as being "unfit to live with" in an earlier post, and here you refer to your "matrimonial shorthcomings." (I noticed that was also something the OP focused on in her posts in this thread - what she'd done wrong.) I'm not saying you haven't behaved badly - how would I know - but it takes two people to make a happy relationship. When you say that mostly you barely relate to each other - and you can't remember when you ever did - I've got to ask you why you want to save your marriage? I know you've mentioned being concerned about how people will react to news of a divorce, but is it possible that you're overly concerned about that? I've seen the idea of "the devil you know" being a pretty strongly held concept among Aspies, and it's not healthy. But I think the willingness to hang on to "the devil you know" might be exacerbated by being overly concerned with how people will judge you if there's a divorce. I knew an Aspie man who lived with his wife for years - after she divorced him - because he really, really valued the social acceptance that the appearance of being married provided. And it was a miserable relationship.

I can understand the yearning to have the relationship you hoped for, particularly when you have feelings for your mate. But I think you have to fearlessly assess the effort your partner is willing to make in order to have that relationship with you. Then ask yourself what it is that the relationship is truly providing to you, whether that's likely to change, and if it's enough for you. Good luck, hon.

Thanks for your input, HopeGrows.....I'm a little busy with the day job right now, but I'll take a good look and post in a day or two.

True, whether it's down to her disability or not, her behaviour is just as hurtful. But it's easier to forgive somebody who can't help what they do. What I'm saying is that if I felt that she knew full well how hurtful her behaviour is, then forgiveness would be impossible. When she first left, I looked at the law and found out that after 2 years' separation nobody can stop me getting a divorce if I want one, and my default position is that I'll go for that when the time comes. Not that she's ever said she'd stand in my way....but 2 years seemed a reasonable amount of time to see if anything could be fixed. There's a few months to go.....I don't see much hope that I'll change my mind, though the improvements she's made have meant a lot to me.


I don't take ALL the responsibility.....that would be as silly as kidding myself that it was all her fault.
Perhaps this quote from Kahlil Gibran might give you some idea of my philosophy:

You cannot separate the just from the unjust and the good from the wicked;
For they stand together before the face of the sun even as the black thread and the white are woven together.
And when the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also.
If any of you would bring to judgment the unfaithful wife,
Let him also weight the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurements.

I wouldn't have much time for that if she'd actually been unfaithful, but while ever the pain a partner gives me is bearable, that's the kind of way I'd want to view it.

I don't think I called myself unfit to live with, I was just saying that she's made me feel that way by voting with her feet. Though looking at my track record from living with people, there does seem to be a case to answer. I love the thought of living with somebody, but I'm one hell of an individualist, with some very rigid patterns, and sharing doesn't always come easy to me. I do have matrimonial shortcomings - who doesn't - what saddens me is that my wife could have been a goldmine of information about how others might see my behaviour, but she can't communicate it to me in a way that I could take on board she can't do it without railing at me and going all harsh, incoherent and competitive. I don't wish to put myself down or suck up all the blame, but sure as hell I did SOMETHING wrong.


I don't really worry about a divorce stigma - in fact I've been a lot more worried about admitting that she left me, and the embarrassment of having an "out of control" wife....in a way the divorce would make it easier, being a kind of statement of my stand against desertion. There's some truth in the "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know" thing.....I know women I can relate to much better than I do to her, but I foresee problems if any of them were to become my partner, assuming they'd be interested in the first place. Losing one wife may be overlooked....losing two sounds like carelessness, and losing a third does make me wonder what the hell is wrong with me.


How does anybody what's a lack of willingness and effort? I myself was misjudged to be unwilling in my job, simply because the clowns managing me didn't look carefully enough. Once I'd got my DX, they realised their mistake. Appearances can be deceptive, and people can so often be glib and judgemental......I just don't work that way. I have to give her every possible chance. She seems in denial about the divorce threat - maybe when it finally sinks in, she'll begin to understand what she's done. But I fear it may be too late for her to fix it, or just too hard.

Holy crap! This was a YEAR ago, and he just finally left about a week ago.... A trial speration for a few weeks about a month back, and then for good about a week ago....

At least I can look back with no regrets now, I can see how hard I tried for a year after this without even one ounce of change on his part.

He was sure good at talking the talk when he wanted his way back in, but I see now, if he never walked the walk that hole time, then alllllll the right words mean squat!

The actions stayed the same, and the words were just a game.

I feel so free now already.

One night out and I have gotten reaquainted with about 12 friends last night, have all of their numbers again now.... already have people helping me do the things he refused to do like helping me drop off the recycling and the garbage.... oving some furnature in the house from my camper..... stuff that has been put on hold forever from me waiting for him to miraculously follow through on his word, and he never did.

What kind of a person lives rent free off of a single mother for over a year and a half and won't even take out the garbage??? Geesh.. no loss there...

I am one of the those people who is not an island, and never will be.... I need my network and friends.

Thanks y'all.... I am glad to have had this to look back on to keep my head in the rights space.

the first few weeks are the "weak" weeks where I could be dumb enough to go back, so I have to remind myself, sometimes hour by hour, how it will never get better.

"sigh"...

When will I ever learn! lol....

I agree! Hopegrows, you should be a councellor or something. You have got some really good, gentle, yet right to the point practicle understandings.

Yup, I can see pretty clearly now it was the pot that caused most of the problems. A person with an addicition puts their addicition ahead of everything else in their life.

It caused the laziness, selfcenterdness, lack of empathy, and defensiveness..... and never ending broken promises and excuses.

I have a lot of close friends who smoke pot daily, but in balance, like at the end of the day, AFTER they take care of their other crap, instead of letting it take their motivation and inspiration away before they get anything accomplished for the day.

When a person is smoking weed 24/7, they can never have a clear enough head to get the motivation and inspiration to get them going anywhere in their life.

I might as welll have been with an alcoholic. It is the exact same pattern with the exact same problems.... a spouse feeling negelected, because they actually ARE being neglected..

Such a waist of soooo much potential is the hardest part to let go of. Potential, potential, potential..... but never letting that potential get off the ground......

There was so much potential it is heart breaking. He really had the potential to be my best friend and best match for life, but he will cling to his addiciton for dear life, for the rest of his life.

Such a waist, and such a shame.