Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

To all the high functioners

Page 4 of 5 [ 77 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

03 Sep 2011, 1:15 pm

I'm just starting to wonder why I posted this on the Love & Dating forum. This thread doesn't really belong here, but oh well.



techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,593
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi

03 Sep 2011, 2:19 pm

You can be very high functioning but at the same time different enough that people can just 'tell'. The biggest mistake we make on this forum is thinking that its a straightforward thing, that is that if you have yourself together you should have no problem finding a relationship. Unfortunately its never that simple and when you are high functioning and perpetually single it can even be more depressing in the sense that you've taken care of every factor within your control and you realize - it still isn't enough.


_________________
The loneliest part of life: it's not just that no one is on your cloud, few can even see your cloud.


sunshower
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Age: 125
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,985

03 Sep 2011, 4:41 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
You can be very high functioning but at the same time different enough that people can just 'tell'. The biggest mistake we make on this forum is thinking that its a straightforward thing, that is that if you have yourself together you should have no problem finding a relationship. Unfortunately its never that simple and when you are high functioning and perpetually single it can even be more depressing in the sense that you've taken care of every factor within your control and you realize - it still isn't enough.


I think there are many different facets to Asperger's/Autism, and every single person on the spectrum has a unique combination of these facets in varying strength. Thus it's hard to judge these things. "functioning level" generally refers to social skills, but that's only one facet of ASD.


_________________
Into the dark...


InfinityMinusInfinity
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 11

03 Sep 2011, 5:16 pm

Note that there's a difference between theory and practice too - I'm just high functioning enough to have a high-level understanding of social conventions and norms but not quite high functioning enough to actually implement it well or consistently.



anna-banana
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,682
Location: Europe

03 Sep 2011, 5:34 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
You can be very high functioning but at the same time different enough that people can just 'tell'. The biggest mistake we make on this forum is thinking that its a straightforward thing, that is that if you have yourself together you should have no problem finding a relationship. Unfortunately its never that simple and when you are high functioning and perpetually single it can even be more depressing in the sense that you've taken care of every factor within your control and you realize - it still isn't enough.


I have this feeling that we're both in a very similar situation, tech. I've been kinda counting on you to solve our problem though ;(

InfinityMinusInfinity wrote:
Note that there's a difference between theory and practice too - I'm just high functioning enough to have a high-level understanding of social conventions and norms but not quite high functioning enough to actually implement it well or consistently.


yes. you should post more.


_________________
not a bug - a feature.


Moog
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,671
Location: Untied Kingdom

03 Sep 2011, 5:57 pm

smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


_________________
Not currently a moderator


Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

03 Sep 2011, 6:11 pm

Moog wrote:
smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


Do you think that anyone who is actively seeking a relationship is "desperate"? I think wanting one is healthy - everyone needs something positive to strive for. OTOH there's nothing wrong with not wanting one either, as long as it's for a healthy reason.



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

03 Sep 2011, 6:16 pm

Moog wrote:
smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


Did you ever desperately want a relationship, or have you always felt this way?



Moog
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,671
Location: Untied Kingdom

03 Sep 2011, 6:18 pm

Grisha wrote:
Moog wrote:
smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


Do you think that anyone who is actively seeking a relationship is "desperate"? I think wanting one is healthy - everyone needs something positive to strive for. OTOH there's nothing wrong with not wanting one either, as long as it's for a healthy reason.


True. There's some people who are merely active about seeking relationships.


_________________
Not currently a moderator


Moog
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,671
Location: Untied Kingdom

03 Sep 2011, 6:19 pm

smudge wrote:
Moog wrote:
smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


Did you ever desperately want a relationship, or have you always felt this way?


Well when I was younger I was a bit more desperate, and I was like 'why no one love me, boo hoo', so I have been there and done that.


_________________
Not currently a moderator


Moog
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,671
Location: Untied Kingdom

03 Sep 2011, 6:23 pm

Grisha wrote:
Moog wrote:
smudge wrote:
The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?


I rarely do love and dating anymore.

I believe I know a few things about relating, might be useful.

I don't contradict my own advice, because mainly I throw my advice at people who desperately want relationships, and I don't.


Do you think that anyone who is actively seeking a relationship is "desperate"? I think wanting one is healthy - everyone needs something positive to strive for. OTOH there's nothing wrong with not wanting one either, as long as it's for a healthy reason.


I wasn't aiming that specifically at anyone. Did it sound judgemental?

The reason I stay out a lot is because I lack interest, but most people are at least slightly interested, perfectly natural. And some people have naturally much more motivation to be in relationships.


_________________
Not currently a moderator


techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,593
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi

03 Sep 2011, 6:30 pm

anna-banana wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
You can be very high functioning but at the same time different enough that people can just 'tell'. The biggest mistake we make on this forum is thinking that its a straightforward thing, that is that if you have yourself together you should have no problem finding a relationship. Unfortunately its never that simple and when you are high functioning and perpetually single it can even be more depressing in the sense that you've taken care of every factor within your control and you realize - it still isn't enough.


I have this feeling that we're both in a very similar situation, tech. I've been kinda counting on you to solve our problem though.

The only idea I have left right now is to find some type of organization to join. Online dating seems to have fatal structural flaws that'll sink anything I try from that direction.


_________________
The loneliest part of life: it's not just that no one is on your cloud, few can even see your cloud.


Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

03 Sep 2011, 7:38 pm

Moog wrote:
I wasn't aiming that specifically at anyone. Did it sound judgemental?


No, not at all - just an interesting choice of words and it triggered some curiosity...



aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

11 Sep 2011, 10:06 pm

sunshower wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
You can be very high functioning but at the same time different enough that people can just 'tell'. The biggest mistake we make on this forum is thinking that its a straightforward thing, that is that if you have yourself together you should have no problem finding a relationship. Unfortunately its never that simple and when you are high functioning and perpetually single it can even be more depressing in the sense that you've taken care of every factor within your control and you realize - it still isn't enough.


I think there are many different facets to Asperger's/Autism, and every single person on the spectrum has a unique combination of these facets in varying strength. Thus it's hard to judge these things. "functioning level" generally refers to social skills, but that's only one facet of ASD.


Well don't go to strippers and play with their boobies they know (I wont say what she said :wink: ) having said that I was depressive and drunken in my 20's not sure how that would go now, non depressive and in my 30's not that |I would. :oops:


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


Animegal86
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 25
Location: Georgia

18 Oct 2011, 6:06 pm

smudge wrote:
Aspie_SE10 wrote:
Simples.

As some of the people on this website are unable to manage face-to-face relationships, we're unable to get on in life: evolution has ensured that NTs consider those of us who don't do eye contact can be a little shifty.


That's the thing. Eye contact is so simple. Just look at people as if they're objects, or inbetween their eyes. I don't understand how that's hard. Having said that, I've never had a problem with eye contact. I think eyes are beautiful.

It can't just be eye contact, surely. More answers, please.


Eye contact is SIMPLE in advice but to an Aspie lie me, it isn't the easiest or most natural behavior. You may not have an issue but I myself have an issue with it still. I am more social and outgoing then I was at 16 but I feel a very light anxiety because I automatically wonder what they think of me since I really can't read social cues or expressions very well. This is why these forums exist because they help give structured information we can use!



sunshower
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Age: 125
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,985

18 Oct 2011, 6:15 pm

I'm actually pretty happy with who I am and my progress with relationships so far (for my age). I don't give advice on here that is beyond my own experience, but I like to share advice about problems I have managed to overcome myself because I like helping others and I want people to be able to live happy lives and achieve everything they want from life.

Why am I actually HERE persay/spend big blocks of time on this subforum? Well I suffer from bouts of severe debilitating depression, and other mood episodes (as of this year) which completely incapacitate me so that I am unable to study or socialize, and am looked after by my parents. During this time there is not much for me to do/I am able to do, and I like being on this forum because I like to feel like I am contributing something to help others, and also especially because the psychology of love and dating is actually one of my special interests.


_________________
Into the dark...