Mr Nice Guys

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Az29
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08 Dec 2011, 10:17 am

I found this thread very interesting. Personally to me a nice guy is someone who treats me right, money, looks, charisma and all the other things mentioned don't mean anything to me.

From my experience of dating I have been out with a range of men.

My first serious boyfriend was nice, he treated me right until one incident that was so severe it destroyed everything.

Then I dated a guy who treated me like crap, who constantly went on about how gorgeous his ex was, why did I put up with it? because I didn't want to be alone, plain and simple.

Next boyfriend was 'nice' but ended up dumping me because I was too depressed :roll:

A series of encounters with a**holes who treated me like dirt but my self esteem was so low I didn't care, again it was better to be with a jerk then alone.

I then met someone online who was really nice, we got on really well and of course at the back of my mind I was terrified he was another a**hole, I was wrong. I was constantly astounded by the nice little things he would do and say to me and gradually I became confident that he really was a genuinely nice guy.

So they are out there, unfortunately you may have to encounter alot of jerks whilst finding a nice one.

cil23
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08 Dec 2011, 10:43 am

I think what determins a nice guy is purely defined by the expectations of Nice by the person looking for a "nice guy". I say this because for me a nice guy is usually what would be seen as the 'bad boy' but who also has a very gentle soul and really wouldnt hurt anyone or anything intentionally. So the so called 'nice guy' is probably not someone i would be attracted too. I go for Long haired bikies with a gentle soul and i know to others they probably seem abrasive.

Maybe its because i ride a motorbike myself lol

MXH
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08 Dec 2011, 11:01 am

spongy wrote:

MXH wrote:

Good to see that according to the posters in this and every other nice guy thread every nice guy has an alternative super evil plot he is trying to do to gain the controls of every passing woman and take advantage of them. Yep thats totally how it is, handcuff me.

Meh its what you get for allowing male members to say endlesly that all females care about are looks and money. Eventually they start generalizing about you in a similar way and you just have to take it.

I tried to stop the generalizations around here a while ago but I was accused of being overzealous/too strict and several other things that dont come to mind right now

Im not telling you to remove it. Im telling them to be grownups and understand that not everyone thats nice is making up for something or trying to manipulate people. Just like every woman isnt a gold digger and so on and so forth.

hyperlexian
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08 Dec 2011, 11:15 am

there are nice men everywhere. most people have good aspects and bad aspects and don't fit into sharply-defined categories. nobody is perfect, but *most* (obviously not *all*) individuals on the planet can be decent, kind, sweet human beings if you give them a chance. i've found that often, people treat me how i treat them.

of course i've had criminal acts done to me without provocation and i've had some people act badly towards me for no reason, but overall i find people are pretty nice if you are nice to them too.

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deconstruction
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08 Dec 2011, 12:27 pm

MXH wrote:

No, wait, wrong sub-forum.

I understand what you're saying, actually. I don't think all guys have an agenda. I don't think nice guys are evil deep down. Generalizations are a bad thing. (Same goes for any group).

Now, the thing is, people define "nice" in various ways. To me, nice equals, more or less, "decent". Someone who isn't a player. Someone who is genuinely interested in me. Someone who isn't a sexist jerk. That sort of things. He doesn't need to be polite, or to have good manners, and he sure doesn't have to have money or even confidence.

But, he has to have a mind of his own and his own character. He shouldn't be spineless and he shouldn't be ready to allow people to take advantage of him (though he shouldn't go the other way, to be paranoid and to hurt others because he thinks it's better for him to hurt them before they try to hurt him.)

Like I said elsewhere, I don't think women dislike nice guys. Women dislike spineless men, men who allow others to turn them into doormats, or men full of insecurities and a low self-esteem (though low self esteem is not something that repulses me; I'd always choose a guy with a low self esteem over a guy who has too much of it and thinks he's, oh, so special and "teh best". But that's another story).

ialdabaoth
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08 Dec 2011, 2:20 pm

EDIT: Actually, wrong term. The term I was looking for was Aggressive Mimicry.

bumble
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08 Dec 2011, 8:44 pm

1000Knives wrote:

Does this refer to girly men? Like guys with fake empathy who go "I understand" and ask people how they feel and stuff? If so, my sister is dating one right now and I completely hate it. Or is this different?

It is the guy who treats you like a human being and not just his maid because you happen to be female.

It's the guy who is respectful of your feelings and helps out when you ask or need it.

It is the guy who understands your interests are important to you.

It is the guy who, with his great sense of humour, makes you smile and laugh when you are feeling sad, and even when you are not (much nicer than all this fake empathy shite)

It is the guy who wants to be with you because he likes being with you, not just because he wants sex.

It is the guy that you do all these things for and more...

On this empathy stuff, I hate it sometimes. Yes it is nice when people care, but I have a support worker, who, if I say I have not been feeling well, replies with "awww bless" and to me that just sound horribly annoying and patronising. I'd rather people just kept speaking in a normal tone of voice instead of sounding like they are talking to a 5 year old who just lost their lollipop. Care about my feelings but talk to me like an adult or crack a joke god damn it, laughter is a great cure for many things.

I also really hate when people pretend to understand or say "I understand" when the very next sentence that comes out of their mouth clearly indicates they do not understand at all! Irks me that lol

MCalavera
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08 Dec 2011, 9:11 pm

bumble wrote:

It is the guy who treats you like a human being and not just his maid because you happen to be female.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who treats girls as human beings and not just maids.

Quote:

It's the guy who is respectful of your feelings and helps out when you ask or need it.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who are respectful of girls' feelings.

Quote:

It is the guy who understands your interests are important to you.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who understand your interests are important to you.

Quote:

It is the guy who, with his great sense of humour, makes you smile and laugh when you are feeling sad, and even when you are not (much nicer than all this fake empathy shite)

There are nice guys who can't get girls who can do all that.

Quote:

It is the guy who wants to be with you because he likes being with you, not just because he wants sex.

There are nice guys who can't get girls but who would love to just be with you and not just for the sex.

Quote:

It is the guy that you do all these things for and more...

There are nice guys who can't get girls who ... uh, nevermind.

My point is stop judging nice guys as evil manipulative bastards. They are nice ... they just can't get girls.

nick007
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08 Dec 2011, 10:05 pm

MCalavera wrote:

bumble wrote:

It is the guy who treats you like a human being and not just his maid because you happen to be female.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who treats girls as human beings and not just maids.

Quote:

It's the guy who is respectful of your feelings and helps out when you ask or need it.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who are respectful of girls' feelings.

Quote:

It is the guy who understands your interests are important to you.

There are nice guys who can't get girls who understand your interests are important to you.

Quote:

It is the guy who, with his great sense of humour, makes you smile and laugh when you are feeling sad, and even when you are not (much nicer than all this fake empathy shite)

There are nice guys who can't get girls who can do all that.

Quote:

It is the guy who wants to be with you because he likes being with you, not just because he wants sex.

There are nice guys who can't get girls but who would love to just be with you and not just for the sex.

Quote:

It is the guy that you do all these things for and more...

There are nice guys who can't get girls who ... uh, nevermind.

My point is stop judging nice guys as evil manipulative bastards. They are nice ... they just can't get girls.

I may fit everything on that list & I was looking for a girl for about 7 years before one gave me a chance

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TheKing
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09 Dec 2011, 9:53 am

bumble wrote:

Men are always saying that women don't want a Mr Nice guy but here is one woman that does. So where are all the Mr Nice guys? Nowhere that I can find them...

if you look up what a Nice Guy is on wikipedia then that describes me in every way i was honestly surprised that i fit criteria for STEREOTYPICAL Nice Guy and girls at school confirm that it fits me i just checked like a week ago

but i have given up, accepting that all im allowed is unrequited love nothing more

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bumble
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09 Dec 2011, 10:58 am

TheKing wrote:

bumble wrote:

Men are always saying that women don't want a Mr Nice guy but here is one woman that does. So where are all the Mr Nice guys? Nowhere that I can find them...

but i have given up, accepting that all im allowed is unrequited love nothing more

I am feeling the same way so am now focusing on my degree instead.

TheKing
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09 Dec 2011, 1:21 pm

bumble wrote:

TheKing wrote:

bumble wrote:

Men are always saying that women don't want a Mr Nice guy but here is one woman that does. So where are all the Mr Nice guys? Nowhere that I can find them...

but i have given up, accepting that all im allowed is unrequited love nothing more

I am feeling the same way so am now focusing on my degree instead.

idk why but i have been VERY depressed recently and have been isolating myself from my friends, my friend Jasmine says its possibly beause how lonely i am in life but idk i mean i havent been depressed like this in years

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greg299L
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09 Dec 2011, 3:57 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:

bumble wrote:

Men are always saying that women don't want a Mr Nice guy but here is one woman that does. So where are all the Mr Nice guys? Nowhere that I can find them...

The first thing you need to understand, is that there are three different things being discussed that all use the label "Nice Guy".

The first "Nice Guy" is the kind of guy who thinks that if he "treats a woman right", she owes him. These people have basically taken the 'a**hole' attitude, and are attempting to use it to play a 'nice guy' game. They're typically clingy, pushy, and extremely passive-aggressive - because, no matter how much they try to follow the superficial pattern of being a "nice guy", they're still essentially objectifying women to fulfill some role in their own drama (usually, the role of 'prize' for being such a 'nice guy', and to validate them for having been the persecuted underdog.) Unfortunately, these guys have a LOT of reinforcement from hollywood - all "Romantic Comedies" essentially serve to reinforce the behaviors of this kind of 'Nice Guy', never mind the fact that actually performing any of the actions portrayed would generally land you, very deservedly, in jail. These guys don't know how to take 'no' for an answer, but at the same time they don't force a 'yes' - so they just draw the tedium of their drama out over long, excruciating months, until you finally disentangle yourself from them.

The second "Nice Guy" is someone who essentially lacks confidence, money, and charisma, but tries to make up for it by being genuinely interesting, compassionate, and caring. He cares about people because he knows what it's like to be the underdog, and he genuinely wants the world to be a better place. The problem is, he lacks confidence, money, and charisma, so he's basically a weak person - he's not going to be accomplishing anything worthwhile any time soon. The bigger problem is, attractiveness is all about confidence, money, and charisma, so while he's very nice and sensitive, he's *boring*. You probably overlook 10 of these guys a month, and mistake another 5 for being the first kind of "Nice Guy".

The third "Nice Guy" is a genuinely kind, compassionate person, with a reasonable amount of confidence, money, and charisma. The thing is, if you have confidence, money, and charisma, being an a**hole is much easier - and more rewarding - than being nice. So there won't be many of these guys. Secondly, EVERYONE wants one, so you won't find too many of them 'available'. Third, even if you find him, he's liable to transition into the second kind of "Nice Guy" if anything goes wrong in his life - or he might be the first kind of "Nice Guy" in disguise. And even if he's not, what would make him notice you?

Hope this answered your question.

Look, if you dont want a nice guy just say so,, but I think you just called all us aspie males weak,,,,,,,, and hinted that there is no such thing as a nice guy, you dont deserve a nice guy, do you prefer the type I saw a lot in small towns who beat their women regularly,,,,,,,, WEAK, you only think they are weak,,,,, but to live by the nice guy creed takes STRENGTH, and lots of it, and for an aspie that means 100 times as much effort, you should have sympathy if you are an aspie, I think you have issues underlying your comments, by the way, if you were referring to the NT pretty boys only, then I'm with you half way.................................. You might not know it, but women have a power over men, that men can never achieve over a woman.... unless he uses his brute strength..... oh, but what would I know, I'm weak...... you wanna put some money on an arm-wrestle with me..... I'm stronger than you imagine.

greg299L
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09 Dec 2011, 4:35 pm

Fnord wrote:

We're all married.

WHADDAYA MEAN WE PALEFACE ?????... huh,,,,, this is an aspie forum, get with the picture....................... oh, i'm not married, and I'm SINGLE,,,, I am in the majority, probably you are less than 1% of the males in here, you must know something the other 99.99% of us dont,..... so come on, don't kepps us all waiting,,, share this MAGICAL secret that we are completely ignorant of,......... all the nice guys with aspie are happily married, are you trolling or is that humour ?... that's alice in wonderland stuff.......... Typical Aspie male................READ : "Not WANTED"........... If I'm wrong, please enlighten this ignorant savage.

CrinklyCrustacean
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09 Dec 2011, 4:48 pm

greg299L wrote:

Fnord wrote:

We're all married.

Please can we keep this discussion calm and civil, rather than resorting to ad hominum attacks and personal insults?

deconstruction
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09 Dec 2011, 4:54 pm

greg299L wrote:

You might not know it, but women have a power over men, that men can never achieve over a woman....

History of mankind kind of proves you wrong.

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