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hale_bopp
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18 Feb 2012, 6:07 pm

MXH wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Confidence isnt something you buy in the drug store. You cant just say "ill be confident" and actually be it. You need to have the external aspect to support your claims of confidence otherwise you're just pretending to be confident.


I'm aware of that. When I said that, I meant start the journey of finding true self esteem.



Fatal-Noogie
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18 Feb 2012, 6:56 pm

Dilbert wrote:
It's not a myth. Low confidence is a social killer. Love yourself and have confidence in yourself and everything else, socially speaking, will just kind of fall into place.

Dilbert wrote:
You need to behave a certain way if you want to hang out with other people.

Therefore if they reject you then you are doing something wrong and you should change.

These arguments are to the social environment
what "Just-pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps" arguments are to the economic environment,
or "Just pray harder next time" arguments are from religious zealots.
It shows a level of optimistic naivety that, frankly, is more offensive than it is encouraging.

Don't assume that just because you personally have acted confidently and amiably and gained social success, that those things are absolutely and invariably correlated. Many of us have put our fullest efforts into maintaining friendships/relationships, only to be abused, betrayed, or discarded. To say the fault is always something inherent in us, is something I cannot agree with. I do my best, but there are adverse variables beyond my control.

Let me put it this way: Would you tell a black man in 1950s Missouri, or an Islamic woman in post-9/11 Texas, that if someone rejects him/her, he/she is doing something wrong and must change—that if they just have more confidence everything will fall into place. Sometimes it's obvious that the cards are stacked against us. Sometimes it's not so obvious.


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hyperlexian
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18 Feb 2012, 7:05 pm

^^^so what is your advice? if people should not work on confidence, then what should they do?


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Fatal-Noogie
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18 Feb 2012, 7:07 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
^^^so what is your advice? if people should not work on confidence, then what should they do?
I never said people should not work on confidence.
What I'm saying is, just because somebody gets rejected, doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't confident.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:10 pm

Confidence is overrated, no, confidence is not the 90% of the battle.

Besides, when people talk about confidence in dating , they are actually referring to the social confidence. A math geek can be confident in his math skills yet totally awkward socially.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 18 Feb 2012, 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hyperlexian
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18 Feb 2012, 7:14 pm

Fatal-Noogie wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
^^^so what is your advice? if people should not work on confidence, then what should they do?
I never said people should not work on confidence.
What I'm saying is, just because somebody gets rejected, doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't confident.

you're right that it is not cut and dried as there are many many factors involved. i think confidence can help in many cases.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:21 pm

MXH wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Thing is, no amount of confidence, act or not, is going to change whether someone is actually attractive or desirable. It would be the equivalent of someone bragging about this job or car or money they don't really have.

i beg to differ:

http://ravivora.com/blog/ugly-actors-you-know-and-love


And i beg to differ yet again. Most of those that i recognize have done commedy/supporting/badguy roles. Those arent the ones people fall head over heels for.


True that. I've never saw their names being mentioned by girls as hot stuff.



hyperlexian
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18 Feb 2012, 7:29 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
MXH wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Thing is, no amount of confidence, act or not, is going to change whether someone is actually attractive or desirable. It would be the equivalent of someone bragging about this job or car or money they don't really have.

i beg to differ:

http://ravivora.com/blog/ugly-actors-you-know-and-love


And i beg to differ yet again. Most of those that i recognize have done commedy/supporting/badguy roles. Those arent the ones people fall head over heels for.


True that. I've never saw their names being mentioned by girls as hot stuff.

we weren't just talking about people who are considered hot. not sure where people are getting that impression from.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:33 pm

Aslo, social confidence is backed up by good social skills , easygoing personality, charm...etc

It's quite absurd to keep telling aspie men to be 'confident' (as in, socially confident).


Let me put it this way , if you are horrible at math for example and you were asked to solve a hard math problem on the board, your "Confident" attitude (as "I can do it") would do you nothing, you're gonna fail big time anyways, and your attitude would make you a subject of mockery.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 18 Feb 2012, 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:35 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
MXH wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Thing is, no amount of confidence, act or not, is going to change whether someone is actually attractive or desirable. It would be the equivalent of someone bragging about this job or car or money they don't really have.

i beg to differ:

http://ravivora.com/blog/ugly-actors-you-know-and-love


And i beg to differ yet again. Most of those that i recognize have done commedy/supporting/badguy roles. Those arent the ones people fall head over heels for.


True that. I've never saw their names being mentioned by girls as hot stuff.

we weren't just talking about people who are considered hot. not sure where people are getting that impression from.


Because some of you users make it sound that "confidence" (and probably confidence in front of the camera in their case) would automatically make them much more attractive - based on the people's reactions toward these actors, I assure it's not true.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 18 Feb 2012, 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hyperlexian
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18 Feb 2012, 7:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
MXH wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Thing is, no amount of confidence, act or not, is going to change whether someone is actually attractive or desirable. It would be the equivalent of someone bragging about this job or car or money they don't really have.

i beg to differ:

http://ravivora.com/blog/ugly-actors-you-know-and-love


And i beg to differ yet again. Most of those that i recognize have done commedy/supporting/badguy roles. Those arent the ones people fall head over heels for.


True that. I've never saw their names being mentioned by girls as hot stuff.

we weren't just talking about people who are considered hot. not sure where people are getting that impression from.


Because some of you users make it sound that "confidence" (and probably confidence in front of the camera in their case) would automatically make them much more attractive - based on the people reactions toward these actors, I assure it's not true.

those actors have dated people (or are currently dating people). confidence doesn't necessarily bring hordes of admirers, but it can definitely help someone get a date.

these actors were brought up as examples of people who have confidence in spite of not having stereotypically good looks. some people said that confidence doesn't work unless you have the looks to back it up, and clearly that is not the case.


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rabbittss
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18 Feb 2012, 7:38 pm

Confidence is a cop out anyway.

If you never have success, you can't ever have confidence, if you have no confidence, you can never have success. Round and Round we go.



The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:40 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
MXH wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
In my experience, trying to act confident when you don't actually have anything to be confident about only makes you look like a cocky prick. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't find that attractive at all. There's much more to be said for being humble(not necessarily pessimistic).


That's why you actually get confident, not put on an act.


Thing is, no amount of confidence, act or not, is going to change whether someone is actually attractive or desirable. It would be the equivalent of someone bragging about this job or car or money they don't really have.

i beg to differ:

http://ravivora.com/blog/ugly-actors-you-know-and-love


And i beg to differ yet again. Most of those that i recognize have done commedy/supporting/badguy roles. Those arent the ones people fall head over heels for.


True that. I've never saw their names being mentioned by girls as hot stuff.

we weren't just talking about people who are considered hot. not sure where people are getting that impression from.


Because some of you users make it sound that "confidence" (and probably confidence in front of the camera in their case) would automatically make them much more attractive - based on the people reactions toward these actors, I assure it's not true.

those actors have dated people (or are currently dating people). confidence doesn't necessarily bring hordes of admirers, but it can definitely help someone get a date.

these actors were brought up as examples of people who have confidence in spite of not having stereotypically good looks. some people said that confidence doesn't work unless you have the looks to back it up, and clearly that is not the case.


hyperlexian, please, all male hollywood actors can date, it's the fame/success factor, not the confidence.



hyperlexian
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18 Feb 2012, 7:44 pm

right, they are confident about something OTHER than looks. that confidence draws people to them.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Feb 2012, 7:47 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
right, they are confident about something OTHER than looks. that confidence draws people to them.


they are confident in their acting abilities, hence they became great actors, hence successful and famous, it's the fame and success that draw people to them.


"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem." - Woody Allen.



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18 Feb 2012, 7:56 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
right, they are confident about something OTHER than looks. that confidence draws people to them.


they are confident in their acting abilities, hence they became great actors, hence successful and famous, it's the fame and success that draw people to them.


"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem." - Woody Allen.


I think you're underestimating confidence as a trait that attracts girls, Boo.

If you review the lists of traits that girls here look for in guys, you will almost always see "confidence". And anecdotal evidence backs this up big time.

I've seen physically unattractive guys date hot girls and they're neither rich nor famous nor even successful career-wise. The girls just happen to be all over them regardless. The one common trait they all share is that they exude this cocky confidence that comes off as very natural in them.