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The reason why LJBF hurts

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KenM
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02 May 2012, 11:34 am

For me, the reason LJBF hurts is 95% of the time someone said that to me, they did not really mean it. They said it to let me down easy. This hurt me more because they were not honest.

Then when the ones that said it really meant it, I did not believe them. This caused more issues of course and I usally never ended up being friends because if it.

When people say something like that and didn't mean it over and over, it is hard not to get resentful. I used to be resentful, but I am over it. I can see where someone who is resentful is coming from.



hyperlexian
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02 May 2012, 11:37 am

KenM wrote:
For me, the reason LJBF hurts is 95% of the time someone said that to me, they did not really mean it. They said it to let me down easy. This hurt me more because they were not honest.

Then when the ones that said it really meant it, I did not believe them. This caused more issues of course and I usally never ended up being friends because if it.

When people say something like that and didn't mean it over and over, it is hard not to get resentful. I used to be resentful, but I am over it. I can see where someone who is resentful is coming from.

do, it happened to you once, and that seems like "over and over" to you?


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JanuaryMan
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02 May 2012, 11:41 am

If you think about it, sometimes it's better that you really are in the friend zone. Would you want to be going out with someone that just wants you to pity them and solve their problems for them all the time? I know I wouldn't.

Sometimes there's quite a falsity about the "let's just be friends" statement. But I find if you are already friends in the first place, this wouldn't really matter too much. It's equally as dishonest to actively approach / seek platonic relationships with a hidden agenda of being more than just friends. If you like someone and they naturally befriend you, that's always a good starting point, though. Following that sort of natural turn of events, you avoid any of this "tampon" hooha most of you are speaking of!

Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.



KenM
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02 May 2012, 11:42 am

It happened to me a lot more then once.



Kurgan
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02 May 2012, 11:56 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.



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02 May 2012, 12:29 pm

I guess I'll have to condense my previous wall-of-text post for better reading :lol:

I understand some women may use a guy to dump their emotional issues and feel self-validated, and rejecting that kind of "friendship" would be smart but, is that always the case?


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02 May 2012, 12:34 pm

Kurgan wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.
you have an odd idea of friendship, which explains why you seem to think women are out to get something from you. friends generally don't place arbitrary limits on how often they support each other. for many people, the emotional aspect is what makes a friend... a friend... and not just an acquaintance.


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02 May 2012, 12:55 pm

I have to agree with Kurgan. There's no reason you should have to be selfish and rely on others to fix your own problems for you.


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02 May 2012, 12:57 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
I have to agree with Kurgan. There's no reason you should have to be selfish and rely on others to fix your own problems for you.

most people don't rely on others to fix their problems... that is not what friends do, generally.


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Kurgan
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02 May 2012, 1:00 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.
you have an odd idea of friendship, which explains why you seem to think women are out to get something from you. friends generally don't place arbitrary limits on how often they support each other. for many people, the emotional aspect is what makes a friend... a friend... and not just an acquaintance.


The emotional aspect is what separates a girlfriend from a friend with benefits. I don't place arbitrary limits, but use this as a guide line. Friends aren't something you vent all your problems onto thrice a month and never talk to about something else or never do anything fun with.



hyperlexian
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02 May 2012, 1:06 pm

Kurgan wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.
you have an odd idea of friendship, which explains why you seem to think women are out to get something from you. friends generally don't place arbitrary limits on how often they support each other. for many people, the emotional aspect is what makes a friend... a friend... and not just an acquaintance.


The emotional aspect is what separates a girlfriend from a friend with benefits. I don't place arbitrary limits, but use this as a guide line. Friends aren't something you vent all your problems onto thrice a month and never talk to about something else or never do anything fun with.

of course a friend isn't someone that you only vent your problems to, but very few people use others in that manner so it's not really reasonable to worry about it to a large extent. most people don't treat others like crap by default.


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02 May 2012, 1:07 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.
you have an odd idea of friendship, which explains why you seem to think women are out to get something from you. friends generally don't place arbitrary limits on how often they support each other. for many people, the emotional aspect is what makes a friend... a friend... and not just an acquaintance.


The emotional aspect is what separates a girlfriend from a friend with benefits. I don't place arbitrary limits, but use this as a guide line. Friends aren't something you vent all your problems onto thrice a month and never talk to about something else or never do anything fun with.

of course a friend isn't someone that you only vent your problems to, but very few people use others in that manner so it's not really reasonable to worry about it to a large extent. most people don't treat others like crap by default.


People with entitlement complexes do so by default.



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02 May 2012, 1:08 pm

I think either there is some confusion here or yet another case of this section of the boards using one's preferences as an excuse to vent on men / women.

Sometimes people go through a low point in life and it's pretty selfish to assume they only want to use you when they hit it. Sometimes people just need a friend. And sometimes people have bad luck. It's unfair to lump ALL this type of behaviour in with someone that wants to use you. One day, this person might be you. Of course, one might argue this isn't really the point of the thread, as it seems to be based more on sexual preference. But that's MY point. Take that away and all you are left with is a friendship, not a hidden agenda or motive on either party. I think the problem here is you are viewing this as sexual thing OP, and not a friendship thing. You aren't assessing if she's being a good friend or a bad friend, or if you are being a good / bad friend.



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02 May 2012, 1:09 pm

Kurgan wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Friends will share problems with each other, that's just what friends do. If one over-shares problems just be straight about it with them.


Friends share their problems a few times and that's it. If one of my true friends started dumping his problems onto me 3-4 times a month and didn't want to have anything to do with me otherwise, I'd tell him to man the f..k up. :D

For every emotional conversation, there should be a two digit number of conversations about music, sports, cars, movies, tips for development at the gym and so on, i.e. Interesting conversations. THATS what friends are for.
you have an odd idea of friendship, which explains why you seem to think women are out to get something from you. friends generally don't place arbitrary limits on how often they support each other. for many people, the emotional aspect is what makes a friend... a friend... and not just an acquaintance.


The emotional aspect is what separates a girlfriend from a friend with benefits. I don't place arbitrary limits, but use this as a guide line. Friends aren't something you vent all your problems onto thrice a month and never talk to about something else or never do anything fun with.

of course a friend isn't someone that you only vent your problems to, but very few people use others in that manner so it's not really reasonable to worry about it to a large extent. most people don't treat others like crap by default.


People with entitlement complexes do so by default.

.... which is a tiny subset of people


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hyperlexian
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02 May 2012, 1:10 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
I think either there is some confusion here or yet another case of this section of the boards using one's preferences as an excuse to vent on men / women.

Sometimes people go through a low point in life and it's pretty selfish to assume they only want to use you when they hit it. Sometimes people just need a friend. And sometimes people have bad luck. It's unfair to lump ALL this type of behaviour in with someone that wants to use you. One day, this person might be you. Of course, one might argue this isn't really the point of the thread, as it seems to be based more on sexual preference. But that's MY point. Take that away and all you are left with is a friendship, not a hidden agenda or motive on either party. I think the problem here is you are viewing this as sexual thing OP, and not a friendship thing. You aren't assessing if she's being a good friend or a bad friend, or if you are being a good / bad friend.

:heart: yes


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02 May 2012, 2:08 pm

DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
You know, oddly enough, I've never met a straight male who didn't love properly cared for Vaginas. I wonder sometimes if a lot of the concepts of "Fear" or "Dislike" or whatever is women projecting their own body dysmorphia onto men..


Freud is not a good basis for any kind of objective look at anything, he projected his own feelings onto all of his patients, and the sooner the world realizes his theories were worthless the better.


I agree with you on the first part. It's not individual men who do this. It's the beauty industrial complex that's responsible for that, magazines/commercials/etc. with the purpose of making women insecure about their appearance to buy things. Vagina's don't really need a lot to keep them in good working order, but there a whole lotta products to be sold to fix them.
Your vagina smells gross, douche it with our douche, wash it with our special wipes, spray it with our special lady scent obliterating spray.
Your vagina look weird, dye it with this, have this surgery, use our wax.
And it's all kind of built on this fallacy that you won't be worth anything if a man doesn't like your vagina, and that a man won't like you the way you are.
This kind of thing is starting to creep up on men too but at a much different level.
And everybody (men, women, and other) grow up and live in culture permeated with this.
And culture doesn't elevate or promote female sexuality or the female sexual gaze the way it does for male sexuality. It's the difference from being treated like a product and like a consumer.

Also, in a perfect word and hopefully this one, most straight men aren't misogynists who hate and insult women for being women.
The one's that are though say things like "emotional tampon"


It's not really any different than saying "Emotional Sponge" or "Emotional Vortex" or "Emotional Vampire" all of them are objects which suck something into themselves, becoming engorged in the process. Personally I dislike passive objects in this case, since it isn't the person who is having the problems dumped on them which is actually doing the damage.. it's the other party who is sucking good emotions from the passive party into themselves to make themselves feel better. Hence why I prefer Emotional or "Psychic" Vampire..

hyperlexian wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
You know, oddly enough, I've never met a straight male who didn't love properly cared for Vaginas. I wonder sometimes if a lot of the concepts of "Fear" or "Dislike" or whatever is women projecting their own body dysmorphia onto men..


Freud is not a good basis for any kind of objective look at anything, he projected his own feelings onto all of his patients, and the sooner the world realizes his theories were worthless the better.

what does "properly cared for" mean?


as in, occasionally going to the OGBYN to make sure everything is as it should be. Treating infections, not doing things purposefully to upset the PH levels thus making infections for likely, etc. Basically not doing any of the things that DogsWithoutHorses mentioned above would be a good start to having a "Properly cared for" vagina.. at least according to what I remember from health class..