How long does it take to stop obsessing?

Post Reply New Topic

I am not sure, but my friends always told me I should never tell girls I am virgin, unless the girl in question likes me enough to not care about it. Maybe they would realize I am not a good choice for a relationship, since no one was interested before.



I assure you, sex is not my motivation. I admit I am curious about what it feels like (since almost everybody says it is even better than oxygen ), but it is not even one of my priorities. I am simply an introverted man with no social life who accidentally found an interesting woman and wants to start a relationship with her. I know there will be sex if we ever start dating, but I am not thinking that far ahead.

Perhaps girls generally prefer a man with experience, and who can shag them well. Getting some lessons before attempting to shag someone you like might be useful, then.



Well, thinking ahead might be useful. She may being expecting coitus at a certain point, and if you aren't taking the initiative, then she may think that you don't like her.

Failures hurt. And paralyze. And nobody has unlimited energy or endurance. On the other side, success give you energy and self-condidence. It's good to know yourself and to know what you can handle. Trying everything is not always the best strategy: it can lead to concatenate failures and block you.

It's good to think before making decissions. Sometimes it's best to take risks, sometimes it's best to avoid them and wait for a safer option.

Never had a very high opinion of Jesse Jackson, by the way.

I think part of the problem with this is fantasizing. I've been realizing that imagining having a great relationship with a girl creates false memories and emotional attachments. When u carry these around with you with a girl you're interested, it makes you move too fast to get to the level of dating in the vivid fantasy, and this naturally scares them off, even if they're interested in you. So, you have to stop carrying these obsessions and the root of it, false fantasy memories , with you before they even materialize. The Buddha talked about ridding attachment to illusion and personal delusion, and this would be one of them to give up. That's not to say to not talk to girls you like but to not carry these expectations around with you because of how it projects a anxious neediness toward them.

Like, for example, your mom was probably attracted to your dad, not because he needed her, but because he could stand on his own two feet to some degree. Now, you have your dad's genetics, so you're just as capable as he was to attract a girl too. Its pretty simple, and its not impossible.

You'll obsess as long as you're attached to these relationship fantasies, and you have the power to stop them right now. Its in your best interest too, because its probably the root of your lack of success with women. It repels the girl you're obsessing about, and it pre-occupies your mind from meeting other girls because of your emotional attachment to the one. Its a lose-lose in either case.

Last edited by JNathanK on 09 Sep 2012, 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It does feel like you only have one chance, and in the area, almost like everyone else knows what you are up to, so you feel if you fail, that everyone in the area will secretly laugh at you or you will have to endure some looks, comments, whispering... I think the fantasizing of failure seems to happen much more often.

I don't think you get stuck on one girl from fantasy of failure though. That plays a role in not approaching her, but there's also a mythical, unobtainable fantasy of success behind it when you're thinking about the same girl for months. "Wouldn't be nice to hold her hand, or kiss her on th beech, or meet her family, blahblahblah"

I would say your gameplan is this. Talk to her again briefly, then pretty much breakout and tell her how you feel and see wtf happens. If failure, then move on. If you do not do this, then try your best just to forget about this girl. Trust me, a real failure is much better to close off than "what ifs" what ifs are the hardest things to deal with in life.

Curses! At the last moment, I lost the perfect (or as close to it as it could be for somebody with near zero chances) opportunity!

Here is what happened: tomorrow (her birthday) I would send her a PM congratulating her and asking her out (without mentioning anything about my alleged feelings; we would just meet as friends and I would talk to her in person). Since we are friends, it would probably be enough to arrange a meeting.

However, another friend from school suggested today (in our class' group on Facebook) that we all meet someday. And the girl I like said she would definitely go.

Yes, I would certainly go, too; I really liked some of the friends I made at school. But this really messes up with my plans: if I invite my friend (the girl I like) to a date "as friends only", she will immediatelly understand where I am trying to get to (although to be honest, she would probably know even if this setback had not happened). And there will be absolutely no chance of being able to talk to her alone when we are among our ex-classmates.

"It’s okay for girls to want or need a boyfriend to complete them but never the other way around. Many guys and girls for that matter, view dating, relationships, having a boyfriend/girlfriend as something to fill the void in their lives. They think that once they get a boyfriend/girlfriend they will have “something to do”. If you have this mindset(and unfortuneately, it only applies to guys) everything you say or do will drip with desperation rooted in the fact that you have no life, or one that you don’t enjoy. Loving your single life means that you have friends and hobbies, passions that you enjoy, and consider having a girl in your life as something nice to have, not a must-have. Guys with a vibrant single life are attractive to women who want to find out “what he’s all about”.

Guys who haven’t been successful with girls for most of their lives or all of their lives usually aren’t very happy with other aspects of their lives(I beg to differ, not every guy). Over the years, guys can get caught in a vicious cycle of letting themselves go, physically and mentally, until they have very little chance or no chance at all at attracting the type of girls they prefer. After a few initial failures, rejections with girls, some guys retreat entirely from any form of social interaction, preferring to play video games, eat fast food every night, and addressing only the bare minimums of personal hygiene.

Guys who let their lives deteriorate to hermit status can’t simply memorize an opener and expect it to work. It takes more than a well-delivered opener to catch a girl’s attention, and it starts with loving the life you currently have. True, there are people who absolutely love playing video games all night, by themselves, surrounded by take-out containers. However, since your reading this, you probably don’t fall into that category, and hopefully you have the capacity to admit to yourself whether you are enjoying your life or think that your life can use some improvement.

If you don’t really like the life you have at the moment, all is not lost. There are steps you can take, small and large, to improve how you view yourself and your circumstances. Whether or not you have a lot of disposable income, the goal is to completely fill your life with so many activities you enjoy that you have got to figure out how to fit a girl into your life. You want to be or look in a position where you choose to get involved with someone because it might make your life even better.
Whatever you love to do, might love to do, or used to love to doing are all areas you should explore in your community. Log off the computer and open an alternative weekly paper from your area and find people, places, and events that match your interests. It can be difficult to connect with random people, but it can be significantly easier if you stack the odds in your favor by frequenting the places in which you enjoy doing what you love to do.(girls, women, don’t have to do this).

Loving your single life gives you much more confidence when meeting girls. Since you already love your life, you aren’t looking for a girl to ‘complete’ you, so you won’t be desperate for any particular interaction to lead to a phone number, date, or more. When you’re living and loving your life, girls always notice and they’re curious why you have such a good time doing everything you do."

that goes to show you all the work we guys have to do in order to get a girlfriend, yes, anything worth having doesn't come easy but it applies to guys more than girls

I tried to follow my plan and it did not work as I expected. I expected her to either accept to go out without asking any questions OR to ask why exactly I wanted to go out with her (which would force me to tell her the truth).

Instead, she decided to agree that we should go out, but without mentioning when. Consequently, I somehow led the subject to something completely unrelated and now we are having small talk about the hardships of public transportation on my way to work.

Damn, I just passed a very difficult (about 30% of approval every year, and even fewer manage to get a score as good as I got) exam to be a CPA and I did not even bother to study to prepare myself. I am just that good. Nevertheless, I am incapable of convincing the girl I like to go out with me without deviating to an entirely different (and pointless) subject.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Progress is progress, no matter how small.

Now you got to chase her up on the when. Just pick a day and time and ask if that works for her.

Just f*****g tell her already dude.

yeah, oh well

At this point, it would probably be the same if I either waited until our classmates reunited (and tried to find a way to talk to her alone, which probably will not happen) or if I did this:



It was my original idea, after all, and at this point I am more interested in getting a clear answer than in getting a good answer.

Damn, this is needlessly complicated. I need to talk to her in person, but I must be careful to not freak her out when asking her out. And if I tell her by IM (my only means of contacting her right now) that I like her, my chances will be lower. Is there any other rule I am forgetting?

i hate how we guys are expected to be so damn independent!

Yeah, it is very frustrating. I wish women took the initiative sometimes. Even though I am pretty sure this particular girl would never take the initiative towards me.

Anyway, I am currently engaged in an IM chat with her. I have suggested a few places (while asking her if she has any better ideas; she surely has, since she has friends to go out with) and told her of the available time I have (between Friday night and Sunday afternoon).

At least she seems curious about what I have to say. I cannot believe she does not even suspect my real intentions (that came out wrong): could I really have done such a good job in acting like I was not interested in her?

Answer: Of course I did. I look like I am almost devoid of emotions; I cannot even remember the last time I willingly hugged my own mother without being Mother's Day or her birthday.