Please help me (NT woman) understand. All advice welcome.

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you are seeming to suggest that negative qualities possessed by those with autism are explainable and, therefor, more 'okay' than if possessed by an NT with no problems (as though this were even possible).

That wasn't quite my intention. I was saying that things that look like just being selfish, rude or whatever can be seen in a new light if they're understood to be the result of a disorder.
For example, knowing the difference between insulting someone deliberately, and inadvertently insulting them because you have a hard time figuring out what's rude or not.
Or knowing the difference between being uncompromising, rigid and "having to have everything your way", and being driven to anxiety attacks by unexpected change.
Or knowing the difference between "ignoring me just to be mean" and "having a low social tolerance and thus needing a lot of time to recharge".
In all my examples, the second part is more ok than the first.
Oh, and nowhere did I say that NT's have no problems. Please don't put words in my mouth.

I'm still baffled by this, the OP didn't explain and everybody seems to guess what is going on.

Explanation for:
Me: I am exhausted from work, feel sick to my stomach, and in general feel like I'm losing it. I am so upset.
Him: Why are you upset?

The reason this was so difficult was because from my point of view, it was obvious to see how I could be upset (I was physically and emotionally drained). I see now how that could be ambiguous. I should have provided a more concrete example, as this has been a common exchange.

An example of how suspecting asperger's has helped us:
My bf and I live a few hours away from each other and don't always get a chance to visit because of busy schedules. He has a lot of free time right now because he is not in school. Despite having a full week without work, he only wanted to stay 2 days. From my point of view, he didn't want to spend time with me. I had to ask him in a couple of different ways, but finally, he explained that he just wasn't comfortable being in another person's house (I live with a roommate).

By applying some of the stuff I learned about asperger's, I realized that 1.) he likes the familiar routine of being in his own home and 2.) he probably didn't assume that a short visit would cause me to believe he didn't want to spend time with me.

Overall, this has put many other things into context for me. I realize now that he's not trying to be emotionally distant, he just struggles to identify and express his emotions. When I ask him why he loves me, and he can't give me any reason but, "I just know when I look at you," or, "I just do," he's not dodging the question. I realize that when he says he's been reading about space all day, he has literally been reading about space all day...not lying by omission. (And trust me, after you hear this response time after time, you begin to wonder how it's even possible for a person to do this...ESPECIALLY, if you have never suspected asperger's before). When he's on the computer for hours upon hours and doesn't seem to hear a word I say, he's not ignoring me-- he's recharging. When he's on the computer late at night for hours upon hours, he's not cruising for chicks, he's catching up on the latest news on his favorite obsessions. When we have a fight and he stops speaking, he's not being passive aggressive, he's shutting down. When we're having a conversation and he talks over me, it's because conversing isn't one of his strengths.

This has helped us make clear rules about how to be mad at each other, too. "Honey, the next time you want to give me the silent treatment, you have to tell me first. Otherwise, I just think you're dead or missing." Now, whether or not this practice will be put into place if something similar happens again is totally up in the air, but you know... we tried. And I'm willing to keep trying things until we find something that works for us.

I love this person, and I hate that I've probably contributed to alienating him by not understanding where he's coming from.

wow, at least you try to give him a chance. seems like you are doing alright.