Lonely and feeling undesired--anyone else, and/or advice?

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First of all, you are not ugly or overweight. If I weren't old, maladaptive, and damaged, and I saw a chance, I would be all over you. (That's me flirting with you right there. )

This. Work on the things you have control of. In my case, I worked out and dieted like crazy, I had my sister buy me clothes, I carefully watched the demeanor of my player brother and cousin, and I consulted with a gay friend. One could say that it paid off in the end in that I was able to experience an interpersonal relationship with another human being.


Whenever I think I am going to die alone, I think of the possibility of soulmates. How a freak of nature like Juan Baptista dos Santos came to find Blanche Dumas, a similar freak of nature who happened to live in the same time. Because sometimes, no matter how unlikely, soulmates do exist, and we were built in pairs, no matter how many extra limbs or genitals you happen to have. ( Link NOT SAFE FOR WORK)


Also this. Actually feeling good makes one "look" good, and a surge or endorphins tends to do that. The only place I have been hit-on (that I know of) is in the gym. Looks is not just about straight-out features, but how one projects oneself. Body language, which unfortunately few of us here actually know how to read. I have observed how some "attractive" women that we watch are only attractive because of the self-confidence that they project, in the way they stand, the way they walk, in their whole demeanor. It's hard, but one can actually learn to fake that. (Or you could stick to your specialty and be genuinely confident.) Walk into a room like everybody there wants you, and chances are a lot of them will. That is how douchebags and b*****s get laid.




Look at it in a different light. You should feel flattered. They think you are a desirable specimen. (VIDEO: I'm a 10)

College is good if you can truly find something that is practical and worthwhile enough to do, however you do need traits if you are going to succeed without a college education.

You are going to need a trade and be really good at that trade or you are going to need to be an excellent salesperson. I could suggest something like reselling if you are good at bartering with people. Plenty of antique fairs and shops here in England. I'm not sure if it is popular in the States.

Many people have tried to give me a negative impression of myself. You may want to consider those individuals who may have been directly or indirectly creating and supporting your negative self-image. You are a doll. However, even if you were unattractive physically, there are always good reasons to have a positive self-image. I can't tell you how many people have tried to help me by telling me how much I am limited. At a very early age I learned those people are poison. I get the feeling you may be the victim of some psychological warfare. If so, you have a lot of company. As I meet more and more people who have autistic characteristics, I am shocked by how many have been emotionally smashed flat by friends and family. You may be well to do an inventory of those people in your life who support a positive image of yourself, and do a similar inventory of those who subvert your self-image. Keep an open mind.

I once sold cans of soda at my high school for a buck each due to the school taking out soda machines due to a state ban on soda machines in schools. I made $200 in like 2 weeks. I like selling things, and that's sort of the eventual plan, reselling or selling things. I'm good at selling my own crap, not good at selling other people's crap. In fact I've been making some money recently selling things on ebay.

Or smashed by like 893798234759823 "mental health professional" a**holes.

This link should help you http://www.easyauctionbusiness.com/testimonials/

There are also some books out there, I'm currently reading the eBay business handbook.

I'm not sure if I want to feel 'desired'... Certainly, that would change life quite a bit, as you would have other people's expectations to meet. Right now though, it seems there are no expectations from anyone or at least none that I can discern; who knows if it tells more about me or the situation itself.

My strategy is pretty much just get stuff and sell it. And also, that less money for something is better than no money for something. The only sorta limiting factor to me selling more crap on ebay is I don't have my own camera (the one on my phone broke) or postal scale, so I gotta bum a camera off a family member, and drive to the post office to weigh stuff or guestimate it and hope I don't lose money in my guestimations. If you got those covered, should be good. With me, many of the items I sold I actually found in the trash. I go dumpster diving a lot (that's probably a reason why I don't have a girlfriend, but ANYWAY) and shop at thrift stores. I sold a pair of old headphones I bought for like $2 at a thrift store for like 20 on ebay. Just start by looking at random junk you have, type what it is in ebay, see what others are selling it for, and undercut them.

What I do with ebay is, I use the things I sell as my online "pocket money" and it gives me some freedom. I use my real life pocket money to pay for shipping, and yeah. I had like $110 or so in my paypal account before Christmas, it was cool. But that's my plan, to basically have all my online purchases be sustained by online sales.

As far as doing it for a business, China, China, China. Alibaba would be a good place to start, there's a few other Chinese sites too, with suppliers. It does take some amount of startup money, though, and depending on what you're selling, it's slim profit margins. IE, little knockoff ipod nanos or something, lots of sellers sell them, so competition is fierce. You'd probably be best off selling a niche item you get from a Chinese seller, as less people will be selling it.

I've looked at both your pictures and I see a slight asymmetry in your face, but most people have asymmetries from head to toe. Yours is what I would call a "normal variant." And, you have a very pleasant appearance. I think there are probably a couple of things going on here. First, there are the communication and interpersonal chemistry issues related to Asperger's. Secondly, I think you are going through a completely normal phase of looking in the mirror and perceptively minimizing your positives and maximizing your negatives. Speaking as a man, when I look at a woman I may look at her from head to toe and individually evaluator features, but a practical sense if she's attractive, then she's attractive. And once I find a woman attractive the positive features are what I see and any negative characteristic she has seem to become absolutely irrelevant. That is just part of being a man. Without question, there are plenty of guys who look at you and find you very attractive.

As I stated before, I've had a bunch of fun relationships, but eventually they went nowhere. These days, it's much tougher, because the women in my age group have very fixed expectations, so they are not adaptable to someone like me. My last girlfriend had suffered breast cancer and had full mastectomies. Also, she had several other surgeries that left her abdomen heavily scarred. When we first started dating, she told me about that, and I told her I didn't think that would be a problem. And, it wasn't. I found her very attractive and she was very sweet. And so all the remnants of her cancer and surgeries became irrelevant. Think of it this way: my male instincts took over and filtered out everything that might be considered unattractive about her. That is a normal male characteristic and it's a good form of mental filter. The only reason we broke up, is that she is a nonverbal communicator, which we know this not work well with anyone who has autistic characteristics.

Once again, I don't think your appearance needs improvement at all. You just need a way to connect with some nice AS guys in your area. If you have never been around other people with Asperger's, it's generally a pleasant experience. For the most part, AS people don't seem different to me, except that they are very easy to communicate with and are accepting of me. Some do have conspicuous oddities, but they are generally not offensive and can actually be quite interesting. Personally, if I was in your age group and live near you, I'd be at your door with flowers.

I wish there was someone like you nearby. I've rarely seen a person look nicer (Minus the bags, but I'd be a hypocrit for saying that - its a fashion statement at my college lol) Your not fake in appearance and your not plain. Would ask you out if I ever met you to get to know you, but no one like you is ever in my area...

Personally, may be odd for men, but I'm going for personality (moral beliefs) and lifestyle. The rest fades with time.

That's just going to be a bad camera shot. Her face isn't going to look like Lembit Öpik's when a proper shot is taken of her.

Well let me tell you lady..i think you are a lovely looking girl ..that does not even need makeup

how on earth you could say you are ugly is hard for me to understand...i would say you have more of a chance than a lot of your so called good looking friends.
for me looks are a small part in being attracted to a woman...good sense of humour and being a decent human being..having respect being honest and understanding is much more important to me
Take it from me.....you are a lovely looking lady no problem.

I don't know who Lembit Öpik is but surely you are not making excuses about the camera when you have been brutally honest about other people's personalities in your own POV?

Whether the camera shot is bad or not is irrelevant, I am sure she'll appreciate honesty over sweet talking from some guys here. I didn't mean it to offend her, it's quite unique.

You're not ugly at all, I think you're very attractive You have very beautiful hair, eyes, skin, teeth and nose Also your smile, remember to smile It makes a person immediately more approachable along with good posture.

There's also much you can do with make-up, if you want to high-light your best features. If none of your girlfriend's can offer you advice, there are many nowadays good guides on youtube or make-up stores for instance that are easily accessible. I'd imagine e.g. something like basic brown eyeshadows, good mascara, light-reflecting foundation, rosy blush and rosy lip gloss could make you bloom even more

I have struggles with my self-image and esteem as well and I know the damage it can do. I got my first and only boyfriend when I was 21 and I hardly even dated before that, so you're definitely not alone. It's typical for us aspies to struggle with any social intercourse as well, I'm getting the image that your looks are hardly the main problem you might face with dating. How often do you go out and socialize outside your comfort zone? Time and experience can help to raise your confidence with people, you're still very young My first impression is that you're a very lovely young girl and I'm sure there are a lot of genuinely nice guys (usually the ones that are shy at approaching, unfortunately, though ) that would be happy to date you. Love can't be forced, though, so try to be patient rather than feeling pressured by any social circles.

Yes, I appreciate your honesty, and I am not offended

I don't think the complementary statements should be dismissed by characterizing the writers as "sweet talking guys." I'm really disturbed by the characterization. What that does is call into question the the validity and motive of anyone who has made a positive statement about the young lady. Characterizing us that way essentially says that anyone who finds her attractive is discredited by the fact that they find her attractive. The logic is transitive. That is, if a man finds her attractive, then he is "a sweet talking guy." And, if he is "a sweet talking guy," then he has no credibility. That sort of logic operates like if A=B and B=C, then A=C. That is exactly what I wrote about an above post. The girl now feels that anyone who finds her attractive or states that they find her attractive has no credibility. Thus, she has been inflicted with a cruel automatic thought. No one should be psychologically programmed to dismiss honest complements. She is not the only one who's been subjected to this. My observation is that this is a common phenomenon among autistics and other people who are often bullied. I've seen too many people who, as a result of cruelly inflicted cognitive distortions, end up living unfulfilled lives simply because they have been programmed to interpret honest complements and positive feedback as something worse than nothing.

Please consider this: a common paradigm among abusers is to cast their victim as an individual who needs the particular mode of abuse. I've been subjected to that by family and friends. They are the ones who believe that the toddler needs a good beating. Those are the ones who help others to understand how worthless they are. Those are the ones who drive innocent people to suicide and horrible acts. Personally, I figured out what was going on when I was four years old and I've gotten through those things just fine. However, many don't. Trying to teach someone to understand such cruel nonsense, whether that lesson is explicit or implicit, is a rotten thing to do. The compliments should not be dismissed.

Last edited by ShelbyGt500 on 30 Dec 2012, 8:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.