Trouble forgiving one thing - need perspective

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That's why I'm not going over to his friends' house for parties again. He didn't spend time with me there anyway even though he sees them all the time and we were supposed to be there as a date. He stayed away from me and my friends and visited with their upstairs neighbor (they live in a duplex) the rest of the night. Although the time before this we went to a party he stayed by me the whole time, so I think this had more to do with the fact he may have felt bad about what had happened and not wanted to cause any more problems that night.

Wait. I just remembrred. When he initially came back in and we were discussing things he tried to hug me and I pushed him off me, telling him not to touch me, but then when I told him after the short exchange I described earlier that I had issues he said everyone does at some point and shared that he was suicidal after his grandmother died and I hugged him because I felt sad. Thinking back I think he may have avoided me till we went to bed because he may have been embarrassed or ashamed of admitting that.

Last edited by EmoGlambertAspie on 05 Jan 2013, 6:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Perhaps work on some signal, so that he knows you are uncomfortable and you don't want to come off as being too anti-social. You seem to manage it well. good job

@MDD123 I'm glad someone thinks it's reasonable for me to be upset. Thanks for not just saying "Lol silly girl of course he can insult your body because lol penis!"

He apologized and I forgave him. He knows I'm not going over there again though and is okay with it. Thing is though, his friend's wife is in the gay-straight alliance I'm in and I'm afraid of awkwardness if she asks me over again.

Glad to hear you guys dealt with the issue. It wasn't irrational or unreasonable for you to be upset.

Remember, a lot of the guys who give advice and criticism in this sub-forum have serious issues with women and are very unhappy with their own relationships or lack thereof. So you're sometimes going to get a lot of crap responses since you're a female.

And a disclaimer for anyone read this post feeling offended - don't, unless you're one of the guys giving terrible advice and offering criticism that only stems from your own feelings of inadequacy and resentment of women - because those are the guys I'm talking about.

^ Hehe, good play

It's not that she got upset that was irrational. What's irrational is that she blew it way out of proportion after the event and used it as a shame tactic against her boyfriend instead of simply confronting the actual guy who said it.

And that was despite the fact that, by her own admission, her boyfriend is very sweet with her and treats her right.

Anyway, no big deal now. He apologized for the sake of the relationship, and all is good now.

As for the rest of what you said, it doesn't apply to me, so no point fully addressing it. But I do have to wonder, given that there only two other members in this thread expressing disagreement with the OP, who you had in mind.

Kind of passive-aggressive, and having a personal dig without being upfront of about it, if you ask me.

He didn't just apologize "for the sake of the relationship". He genuinely felt bad once he finally realized how upset I was.

As a male, I gotta say that the BF probably lacked a bit of tact tbh. Dude was asking for the doghouse.

And I so did NOT want to know about the whole "vaginal stitches" thing thanks people >_< sometimes ignorance is bliss!

I agree he didn't go about it the right way, but it's good to keep things in perspective.

Thank you! Yes, he did, and at first he was angry at me for having taken offense. He said I was being "irrational" and when I asked him about a similar scenario the next day when I was sober he said "I wouldn't be mad, it's just an opinion. I'm done with this BS for the night". Looking back at this and a couple other minor occasions I wonder of he has Aspergers himself, as he can tend to dismiss my emotions if they aren't positive but eventually comes around once I explain just *why* something bothers me.

Maybe.

A similar thing happened to me online with one former female member here, although not as extreme, and to this day, I still can't fathom why it should be a big deal that I didn't go out of my way to defend her rather than logically address the remark that mentioned her name.

When I was your age I was hanging out with a bunch of guys in this rooming housing that I lived in. Somehow the conversation got onto how big vaginas would need to be to fit their penises. Well this one guy, picked up a bunch of those plastic rings that hold cans together when u buy a 6 pack and said 'this wouldn't even be big enough'. Well I was in shock, and I genuinely believed it to be the truth.

As it turns out I ended up dating that same guy a couple of months later, and eventually I saw his cock, and really he didn't need a vagina that big at all.

The point is, guys will say all sorts of things about genitals around other guys, it's a way of impressing each other, and really nothing to do with females at all. I get that you were a little bit insulted, but like somebody at the start said, a good response would have been ''are you sure you aren't just really really small?' That would have shut them up for sure, and likely everyone would have laughed at him.

I'm glad you've gotton over it but I don't think you should have taken it so personally, even considering what you're bf said afterwards, he was likely a little drunk, and still in the man-mind that guys get when they're around other guys, and he forgot who he was talking to. It's really no reflection on your body at all.

Incidently though, you can fit a tampon up there, I promise.

Like you don't have unresolved issues of your own? Seething with rage over men, resentment toward fellow women... come on. You don't get to negate anything others have said (and call it "crap") just because of their gender, nor is your opinion that much more sacred because of yours.

Cure that seething hatred and resentment, then maybe you can enjoy the moral high ground.


Nice way to try and prevent responses by laying landmines... trying to phrase it in such a way that anyone who takes offense at your attack and tries to respond will brand himself as inadequate and resents women! Guess what - I'm neither of those, nor are most of us here - so quit unjustly projecting your personal fears and rage onto other people. We have healthy, balanced opinions and advice to offer as well.

To BlueMeems:
Looking at your posts Max and Meems, from a neutral standpoint you both have underlying issues and resentment for the opposite gender - the only thing that differs is how you both go about hating that gender. One of you vents and puts the entire gender before a trial, or actively seeks out discussion to fuel this hatred, and the other victimizes themself due to a controlling relationship and uses people such as the one I just mentioned to personify a number of things wrong with a gender and use it to justify why every person of that group is wrong. As this topic is about forgiveness I suggest you both forgive mankind and womankind and if you have problems with some men or women? Take it up with the INDIVIDUAL that is causing you grief or upset. We are not all that individual, only they are.

of course, you could choose to do 1 of 3 things guys:
1) Gang up on me in PM's and not resolve your issues but instead create more and then go back to hating on men and women and each other 2 days later.
2) Keep arguing with each other and start hating me.
3) The smart thing and maybe listen, or rethink why you attack men, and why the other attacks women that attack men.

I enjoy your messages. meems your observations are great, and Max you're a funny guy! I'm just throwing this out there, it's nothing personal. Nothing with me here is ever personal.

About forgiveness in general:
To be honest, being an Aspie I know what it is to be very unforgiving to people no matter how big or small the issue might be it always seems "right" not to forgive and to make the situation worse for everyone (myself included). What I have learned though is you either forgive people, or learn to behave maturely and cilizied around those people you can't forgive. And if you can't even do that? You move on. Giving into the pleasures of creating enemies for your problems or mistreatment, forever punishing someone for their mistakes, and passing the blame should at best be temporary. Over time if you don't cease such behavior your actions might be seen by others as abusive and to them you are no are no longer the victim of something unforgivable as you go beyond the actions of recourse. Eventually the bad karma onto them will be wiped and you will have a lot of bad karma to make up for.

To the OP:
OP, if you can't forgive this person at least try to live with with what was said. It was at a PARTY. Your bf obviously was having a joke with the guys. Yes what he said was callous but he didn't mean it, it was a joke that failed on you and was a jerky thing to do. I really don't like invalidating distressed people's viewpoints but I think you have blown this way out of proportion. Women do the same thing by making fun of men's penises. It's a common human thing. Maybe not amongst Aspies but NT's occasionally do this. If it really has bothered you though try and talk about it again but rethink how you approach your bf about it. Mention it in passing (not pull him aside) and casually explain that you know he was only joking but you are sensitive about your body and how he sees it. If he's a good man he will comfort you at that point. I hope you two can get over this issue.

It was a general piece of advice, and I only saw one guy in this thread who routinely gives women condescending, sh***y advice, or talks about women as if they're all the same person.

But for future reference, I'm not seeking some arbitrary ideal "moral high ground". My unresolved issues(which at least I admit to, speak quite openly about and I am actively trying to work out) are precisely what allow me to recognize misogyny and misandry in others so easily. And I don't see much of it here, just a handful of people in L&D usually.

I haven't expressed my seething hatred or rage on WP, as much as I've contemplated doing so in the Haven. Believe me, it's not toward anyone on WP.