abstaining from premarital sex, thoughts?

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I did not denie what you said, or that this might cause problems for people without experiences, but simply offered possible solutions to the problems you mentioned. If my PC is broken, someone offering me help to fix that, is not denying my prob, but actually trying to help me. Yes a broken computer IS a a very important problem for some people, the more they are normally happy to be offered solutions to solve that problem. If my computer is broke, and someone is offering help to fix it, then insisting on denying this help because of not "making any compromises" is nothing to be proud of, but simply weird. If someone actually is not interested in solving his problems, then they dont seem to bother him.

Speaking with someone of your fetishes and sexual likings, BEFORE you actually have sex, is absolutely nothing about "making compromises" but simply about using your mouth the way it was invented. Alternatively there are many forms of written forms of communications. And not starting relationships with people that dont care for you, is as well not an horrible advice, forcing you to make horrible compromises, but actually something that you should take care of in any kind of partnership. If someone does not care for you, you should not be in any kind of relationship with that person, wayne if with or without sex. Even for FWB or Onenightstands this is true, sex with someone not caring for you simply sucks, so dont engage in any form with such people. And exchanging wishes and expectations with your partners is something that is simply a basic of every partnership, in every way, not only about sex, that is as well not an "horrible compromise" but an foundation of partnership. Just as there are tons of ways to have sexual contact with each other, so there are as well tons of way to handle different sexual desire. Caring for each, exchanging thoughts and feeling to each other to find solutions, is not about being "forced to horrible compromises" but simply what you will do for the rest of your life, if you share it with someone, as long as you dont clone yourself.

Probably wouldn't abstain.

Although I am a Christian, this is the 21st century people.

If I'm with somebody I care about deeply, even if I was married, I probably would make love, as long as it's a mutual decision, and not forced. Certainly wouldn't do it, with any random girl.

With some of us being aspies, the chances of us getting married, and having a long successful marriage, is second to none, compared to NTs

Just because I'm not that keen on abstaining from sex before marriage, doesn't mean that I'm the type, that has is into casual sex, f**kbuddies, and sex on the first date etc. That's not me, and I'd never do that. That's where I draw the line.

God's commands aren't nullified by the passage of time. If He says sex is exclusively for marriage, that's the end of it. We have free will to disobey, but there will always be consequences.

I doubt that.

Sex without lifelong commitment is casual by definition, because its sourced in the mentality of always waiting for someone better.

Oh, I have been with my actual partner for 14 years, before we married. The reason why we did not marry before, was because of us waiting for someone better, but because of us trying to avoid that annoying celebration by all means. Might be great for NT woman to have their "day of their life", but caused me only nervous breakdowns and being forced to do endless sh***y stuff, that never ended, and additional we had to pay for that. -.-

No-- I'm FEMALE. I KNOW what kind of crap is out there.

I hope our society is less rabidly androphobic in the future...

...but in the mean time, I'm going to protect ALL my kids from getting taken advantage of. I am going to doubly protect my son from getting twice-screwed by some psychotic rhymes-with-witch. In our current society, men and anyone who is atypical need to be more careful-- they're more likely to get ass raped by the system. Atypical men-- well, paranoia might not be such a bad idea.

I don't demonstrate anything-- that's a wee bit to graphic even for me-- I figure they'll figure out the Tab A and Slot B business, and condoms really are pretty self-explanatory. I have old nursing textbooks with pictures that are pretty embarrassing if they really want to see, but so far, no requests.

How in the world do you demonstrate sex with Lego bricks?? They're the wrong size, and shape, and just about everything else. :headscratch: About all they do, is interlock. Were I going to give a demonstration, I'd probably use the index finger of one hand and the finger and thumb of the other...

Look-- do whatever works for you. Really-- your life, your choices. I make no moral judgment-- not my business. I just try to speak common sense.

Like-- If she demands flowers and dinners and jewelry and trips just to stick around, you're dating a b***h. "Come back when you grow up, girl..." If she won't chip in to pay for getting by and having fun, you're dating a using b***h. "Hit the road, Jack. Don'tya come back no more..."

Same goes if the genders are on the opposite foot-- seen that one, too. There are a lot of users and all kinds of pathologies out there. Relationships are HARD ENOUGH without hormones-- and, if sex before marriage would prevent you from ending up in a sexually incompatible relationship, DH and I would not have spent several years getting upset over sex.

Do whatever works. Just-- Keep your wits about you. Caveat Emptor. It's a dangerous world out there.

Do you hear this,Buyerbeware?

I'm a 20 year old guy with no regards to religion or tradition, and I agree with you 100%.

First of all, any sexual frustrations, as awful as they are, can quickly be blown off by masturbating. Do it every night if you have to. It doesn't make you that much of a loser.

I'm not some uptight conservative Christian at all but sexual "purity" or whatever has become something of a lost art. Because sexual purity is associated with hardcore religious stiffs, it's therefore associated with all the other unpopular ideals they push, like racism and homophobia and right-wing politics...but maybe they're right for the wrong reasons. There's nothing wrong with making a smart decision that parallels one of their beliefs. The first person you have sex with, actually any person you do, should be very special and never be forgotten. There needs to be a long buildup of intensity to the love making. So ideally, I'll wait maybe not until marriage but at least a month or two of being in a committed, romantic relationship where I talk to her every single day. It doesn't help that marriage is now just another part of our culture based on materialism, money, and paperwork - so maybe get a kind of "spiritual" or unofficial pagan-style wedding and then start having sex with them.

Two muddy seals fighting each other may as well be what you're doing if it's something casual and not a truly special love making. I've actually done it myself - the first time I (kinda) had sex with a girl. It was someone who my friend basically put in my lap, because some crap all the guys were pushing on me. I didn't think she was anything special at all, but we did it anyways and I wasn't even that excited before, during, or after. It was just so f*****g awkward, bumping my body up against some random person who I didn't even know a couple hours before and then having everyone tell me this is the greatest thing ever. Now, I'm not saying sex isn't enjoyable, but for anyone who isn't a hormonally-raging caveman - for anyone with a sense of romance, there is an essential loving and spiritual component that is necessary to make it worth it. Especially for an Aspie with sensitive nerves, you've hated being touched and having your personal space invaded your whole life - well, that's what sex is to the extreme. So you have to be very careful who you let do that to you. I've never even spoke to that girl since that night and I wish it never happened. I'll never get that back, I'll never get to say my first experience was with someone special, I may never forget it as one of the worst nights of my life...and nothing even went wrong!

What happens when something does go wrong during casual sex? A positive STD or pregnancy test is just the beginning, and the broken hearts and shattered sanity that can come from casual sex - never hearing from that person again is best case scenario. Worst case scenario if you're a guy is she burns your possessions or makes a false rape allegation. Worst case scenario if you're a girl is he'll rape you out of desperation, father your child and never pay a cent in child support or alimony. You're gonna be forced to be forget all about your Aspie interests and special quirks if you have purple lumps on your junk, and if you have an unwanted child, well then you can forget about anything you've ever wanted in life.

If that was TLDR, put it this way - I've been friends with enough guys who are the same age as me and now, they've a child, most of the time with some bitchy girl they don't even speak to any more...they're gonna be stuck at a high-school or community college level education indefinitely, with half of their paychecks from some unbearable minimum wage job garnished to go to her and the other half going to the most basic of needs. I feel way more sorry for them than they would for me for not "getting a lot of p****". Do you think these 19 year old parents, rapists, sexually diseased people, etc. would still be thinking lowly of some nerdy Aspie virgin, or some "prude" Christian girl? No, they're jealous of us!

Last edited by XJ220RACER on 19 Dec 2013, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, I wouldn't call my first time "two muddy seals fighting each other", but it's wasn't anything "romantic", "spiritual", etc, either. My first time was with an escort. It's as casual as it gets . And yet, very honest and professional: no proving myself as a worthy partner, no pretending I'm being romantic for "just because", no risk of post-coital regret, no fear of her expecting a relationship, etc. Apparently, she somehow figured out I was a virgin (that is, before seeing her ), because she gave me a nice pep talk afterwards. The best part was that the escort was totally gorgeous; my "free" sex partners were never that good-looking.

I came to her hotel room, she called her agency to tell them I arrived, and away we went . Afterwards, I was so happy, I'm surprised I didn't float off into the sky the minute I stepped into the hotel parking lot. I felt too lightheaded to drive safely right away, so I walked to a nearby park, and sat there, smoking a cigarette. Then I met my friend at a bar, and we did a celebratory drink. The whole time I drove there, the streetlights shined brighter, the buildings looked smaller, the trees looked greener, and all other drivers were looking at me with envied admiration . I laughed myself to sleep that night, and woke up to a sunny new day. The only hard part was deflecting my parents' questions why I was so happy during breakfast, because I never was a morning person.

Well, you sound like you handled yourself well throughout that affair, Aspie1. Better than most people, especially Aspies, and especially me. I'm way too emotional and expecting of a lot, and that's not gonna change because I was just born that way. Maybe I should've said to each his own in my original post.

Of course, abstinence is the only option one has if one's parents carries through on the threat of castration when they find out you knocked up a girl. I heard it too many times from my parents. Even in high school, me even mentioning the name of a girl I was even slightly interested would result in being thrown out into the street, and told never to return, upon pain of death.

OP: it's up to you whether you have premarital sex. For me...no, I won't, and it's not because of religious beliefs but for a variety of other reasons.

1) If I had sex before marriage and then got married, I'd always worry in the back of my mind that the reason she was with me was not because of my sparkling personality or whatever, but simply because I was good in bed. That's not a good foundation for a marriage, in my opinion. I need something more solid and substantial. We have to be compatible emotionally and in terms of our dreams and aspirations and all that. I'm less interested in her body and more interested in her.

2) My job is typing Court hearings, including Family Court stuff as well as criminal. It is amazing just how petty and selfish some parents can be when they come to Court to decide what to do about their kids. Sometimes they aren't even considering the kids and what the case is really about is one parent getting revenge on the other. Other times one parent wants to take the kid as far away as possible from the other parent without considering the impact this may have on their child. With couples who don't have children the situation can be just as fraught and full of bitterness and hatred, but there's no doubt that having a child complicates matters. I don't want that. For one thing, Court hearings are expensive, as are the lawyers. For another, it's complicated getting your case together, and finally if I am going to get married I want to be damn sure that we are right for each other and we aren't going to get divorced. And that's before I even consider the idea of whether we are going to have kids or not, which is something I'd have to discuss with my wife anyway. I've seen the chaos that sex before marriage can cause and it really isn't pretty.

3) I don't want to have a child outside of a marriage, which is always a risk even if you take precautions against it. A breakup with a kid is worse than a breakup without a kid, and children are a serious commitment in their own right, not only financially but also emotionally.

4) Ultimately, sex is a huge emotional commitment for me. It's something I want to share with someone truly special, not with anybody. I think I'd feel emotionally violated if we'd already had sex when we broke up. I'd feel dirty and I'd also feel horrible for putting her through that as well. It's just...no. Sex outside marriage really isn't for me.

Wait... are you Peter Abelard?

I'm sorry you got cheated on, that always hurts.

Once sex is at a certain level intentionally slowing down is a bad idea. sex is a display of affection and trust and slowing down signifies a reduction of those factors.

are you aspie/nt dating aspie/nt? Sometimes aspies show less affection than expected or in ways that dont register as showing affection and NTs can get the impression of disinterest.

In terms of abstaining idk. I would not marry a girl unless I was sure I was sexually compatible with her. I like to make physicality a large part of the relationship because it is simple and easy to deal with. I feel like creating a boundary at a certain point would be better than complete abstinence. I would take rejection of touching/sex as a sign of not being ready up to a certain point and of disinterest past that point. I would find it frustrating because being in 'love' stimulates intense attraction and sexual feelings which would be unrequited with someone looking to abstain. I feel that dating someone who wanted to abstain would be psychologically challenging. I was in limerance/friendzone with a girl for 9 months and I would have married her if I thought I had the chance. But I also interpreted her sexual disinterest as a sign that she was uninterested and so I would have never asked her. How do you even have a relationship without sex? For me that was always the distinction between being "just friends."

Maybe instead of complete abstinence I should have a 90 day rule. No sex until we have been together 3 months, that should be enough to get rid of users who only want in my pants, right?

Of course it really doesn't matter if I have no one to date.

with how many partners I've had and having never been married, it's clear to myself that abstaining from from premarital sex isn't for me. To each their own, though, if it is for you. I just see it as mainly a religiously indoctrinated thing and I don't really prescribe to strong religious influences on how I live my life. Further, I see relationship value figuring out how sexually compatible you are with your partner before making the intendedly life long commitment of marriage to one another. It would suck to have a wonderful friendship, but then after marrying find out that you're not sexually compatible at all, IMO.

All that said, while I don't have a "relationship," I am sexually active whenever I choose to be.. yet I still have certain sexual boundaries. There are certain sex acts I haven't participated in in a long time because I intend to reserve them for when I'm in a relationship. There are some I've never done because I believe they're much more intimate and won't do them unless if's in a committed loving relationship, possibly even marriage. So, I do get the whole reserving oneself for commitment/love/marriage to an extent... but not to the extent of completely swearing off sex entirely. But that's just me and I do what's right for me, you ought to do whatever's right for you.