why can't I get Good GF

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Wafflemarine
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22 Jun 2014, 12:11 am

You sound completely self delusional if you think you or anyone does not make mistakes in relationships then you are living in a fantasy world. s**t if I had a partner talking like you I would dump them, obviously you haven't brought these "issues" up with them because if you went on about how you are doing everything right and they are wrong you would be single.

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billiscool
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22 Jun 2014, 12:53 am

Wafflemarine wrote:

You sound completely self delusional if you think you or anyone does not make mistakes in relationships then you are living in a fantasy world. sh** if I had a partner talking like you I would dump them, obviously you haven't brought these "issues" up with them because if you went on about how you are doing everything right and they are wrong you would be single.

You know what... My best lady friends may be lousy girlfriends.
But I love them and hopefully they stay great friends.
I hope I get a good quality Girlfriend,lucky GF#5,
I'll call her. Hopefully 5th times the charm

Ladywoofwoof
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22 Jun 2014, 1:30 am

So... assumedly then, your discussions go something like this....

Ladyfriend : Oh my god, you are so annoying."
Billiscool : "There there my darling. Whatever can have got you so annoyed ? Did I do something wrong ?"
Ladyfriend : "I could kick you right up the arse, it makes me so frustrated ! !!"
Billiscool : "Please intimate to me the reason for your upset my darling."
Ladyfriend : "Oh Bill, it's not your fault really. Deep in my heart, I know that you're perfect and have literally never done a single thing wrong ever."
Billiscool : "Well, I am awesome ... it's true."

:chin:

Ladywoofwoof
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22 Jun 2014, 1:33 am

billiscool wrote:

Lucky GF#5, I'll call her.

You could get that printed on a T-shirt, and give it to her on the first date as a present.
Flowers will eventually wilt, chocolates will be eaten.... but a romantic gift like that would last much longer.

Make sure that you explain to her just how lucky she is to be with you.
That would be a great ice-breaker for your date.

:thumright:

sly279
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22 Jun 2014, 1:43 am

goldfish21 wrote:

sly279 wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

sly279 wrote:

now, isn't confidence the mind set that you are great at what ever you do and make no mistakes. isn't confidence what people find attractive?

No. Confidence isn't the belief that you are great at whatever you'd o and make no mistakes. That's arrogance. I know many confident people that are always willing to admit they've made a mistake and are willing to learn from them, even thanking others for correcting them/teaching them something new/better.

Yes, people find confidence attractive. But Bill isn't displaying confidence. He's coming across as arrogant without the ability to justify feeling socially/relationship superior because he has displayed his lack of social skills quite transparently & it's obvious to anyone reading this thread, or the ones linked, that he cannot possibly be doing everything right and thus it's the GF's fault alone that things aren't great in their relationship. If he were in fact such a social & relationship success story then it would be abundantly clear in his posts that he deserved to be able to say he's confident that it's not him that's the problem. But it's blatantly obvious that he's somewhat socially inept and has a lot of work to do if he actually wants to be a good boyfriend and attract a "quality," girlfriend.

the definition of what confidence is seems to vary greatly person to person.

i've always been told having doubt in yourself or thinking you can mess up is lack of confidence. confidence and arrogance sound like the same thing to me. If i go into a situation thinking it might fail and try to be prepared for it then its said I have no confidence, but if i go into it thinking i will succeed and there's no way to fail you say that's arrogance, so what is your idea of confidence?

I never said to doubt yourself. I said it's arrogant to believe you never make mistakes & have nothing new to learn or improve. It's confident to believe in yourself and visualize yourself succeeding vs. thinking you're going to mess up, but it's arrogant to believe you never make mistakes and don't need to learn anything or be corrected.

It's good to go into a situation believing in yourself and a positive outcome, but it's also good to be able to react to changing situations on the fly should something go sideways so that you can still make the best of things if you have to correct an error or deal with some unforeseen variable. It's foolish to believe that absolutely everything will always go perfectly and so you don't need to be able to ever react to the unexpected or to your own mistakes.

I can confidently say I can do _____, but it would be arrogant of me to say that I have nothing more to learn about it, or to improve upon my abilities, or that I should never be corrected & learn should I make a mistake etc.

how can one be prepared to react to changing situation unless one considers such event can happen. This is why I don't see much wrong with me doubting myself. It has helped a bit in life. one has to consider stuff will or can go wrong in order to be able to react to it. I go into things with I will likely mess up so what can I do to avoid it. like double checking a car before I finish .

it also has to do with managing disappointment for me. I have a track record for being rejected from girls and work, it hurts less to go in knowing that is the likely result, and the time I got this current job made it all the more happier.

now that I know i can cashier quite good, being rejected hurts more, I suppose this is why being rejected by women has always hurt alot.

goldfish21
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22 Jun 2014, 2:02 am

Expect the unexpected! Of course you should aim for the best, but be prepared to react should things not go as planned. It's the same with pretty much anything in life. You go in planning and hoping for the best, and then IF by chance something goes sideways, then you deal with it vs. shut down or accept failure.

If that works for you and you're happy with it, OK.. but I'd rather improve my track record than use accepting failure/rejection/defeat as a way to manage anticipated disappointment. I'd simply prefer not to be disappointed so often as to need a coping mechanism for it. Granted, there have been times in my past where I've been in such a mindset.. so past me can relate. But in the present, and over the last year or two, I've been much MUCH more positive about everything in life and so now the concept of requiring such a coping mechanism almost seems foreign to me. So much has changed in a year or so - your post and this thought process has just reminded me of that.

*shrug* I can't really relate to being repeatedly rejected by women. I'm far too gay for that :p but I've still experienced rejection and it hurts. We all have to learn to deal with rejection.

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sly279
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22 Jun 2014, 2:51 am

being rejected by guys would seem to be the same as being rejected by women.

one can't just change their history. its not like I am a company and can fire the part of me that is failure. I don't see much really wrong with me, but others do. I can either be myself or change to make others happy.

only thing that can change track record is go get a job, but employers use the track record to decide hiring. its another catch 22.

that doesn't work well. this is why people keep fire extinguishers in houses. if we only planned for the best we wouldn't keep them or have seat belts. a lot of things in life are in fact planning for the worse. all laws are, doctors, police etc. all plan for the worse.

the saying is plan for the worse, hope for the best. if something goes sideways you have a plan for if it doesn't then you aren't harmed.

happy.. eh, I will nver be happy alone and job less.

hale_bopp
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22 Jun 2014, 3:16 am

TheGoggles wrote:

You should be thankful for literally anything you get.

TheSpectrum
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22 Jun 2014, 4:31 am

Bill, you've mentioned what a GF should be for you. Have you considered what you should be for them? If you have, tell us what you think you're bringing to the table then ask yourself if it's enough for the types of women you're looking for.

I'd like to add that someone who will always be happy with you unconditionally, have respect for you unconditionally and so forth would normally only exist in a somewhat abusive relationship after conditioning them. People on the spectrum or not have likes/dislikes, boundaries, limits, and many more dimensions to their being. You're going to upset them at some point, and whether or not you think they're wrong shouldn't challenge their own complex. It's natural, couples argue or disapprove of one another at some point. You seem like quite a manly person in spite of some of the things you say/do on this forum. Perhaps consider "manning up" a bit more, and accept both you and your potential GF's aren't perfect and take some accountability in between?

EDIT: Fixed are/aren't.

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rdos
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22 Jun 2014, 7:50 am

goldfish21 wrote:

Bill needs a lot of work on his social skills if he's going to attract a "good," girlfriend.

Doesn't work like that. Social skills basically has nothing to do with relationship issues.

Besides, there are just as many odd women as odd men, and many of them are good quality. What matters most is if you are able to find them or not. It's not any fun ending up with an incompatible NT after having learnt how to act to get one of those.

Stargazer43
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22 Jun 2014, 8:11 am

rdos wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Bill needs a lot of work on his social skills if he's going to attract a "good," girlfriend.

Doesn't work like that. Social skills basically has nothing to do with relationship issues.

Really? I guess that you haven't been on this forum for very long!

The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jun 2014, 8:30 am

vanille
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22 Jun 2014, 8:50 am

TheSpectrum wrote:

I agree with TheSpectrum. As a NT girl myself (and I think it's true for all human beings wherever they are on the spectrum) I would be upset if my boyfriend could not respect that I have opinions, emotions and desires of my own. And yes, this is how abusive relationships begin.

rdos
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22 Jun 2014, 9:05 am

Stargazer43 wrote:

rdos wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Bill needs a lot of work on his social skills if he's going to attract a "good," girlfriend.

Doesn't work like that. Social skills basically has nothing to do with relationship issues.

Really? I guess that you haven't been on this forum for very long!

But I have. I joined in 2005. :-)

It is true. The typical social problems with strangers has nothing to do with relationship issues. I can even claim that it doesn't help at all to learn the typical way relationships are formed if you are neurodiverse, as the major problem is how your innate preferences interferes with the typical process. For instance, it doesn't help that you know that you (as a guy) are supposed to approach a girl you are interested in (after she sent the right signals) if you are blocked from doing so. It doesn't help you to know how to identify interest if your brain filters it out and let you know it hours later.

I suppose all this bad advice is pushed by authorities that have no clue how this works.

XFilesGeek
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22 Jun 2014, 9:56 am

*ahem*

As I don't see anything particularly helpful or constructive arising out of this thread, I'm slapping a lock on it.

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