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ASPI Question

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Aspi on disability, Would you date one.
Would you not date a person on disability 9%  9%  [ 3 ]
Would you date a person on disability 91%  91%  [ 29 ]
Total votes : 32

sly279
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10 Jul 2014, 12:53 am

tarantella64 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
woz, it is really hard to be married to someone who's disabled. Usually. That's why most of the marriages break up. Really, though, it depends on the nature of the disability and on both spouses' ability to cope, as well as other supports around. If the disability is physical and doesn't involve chronic pain or taxing mobility issues, and both spouses are psychologically strong and positive people, and there's a strong support system in place -- family, community -- then yeah, those are your best odds, I think. Then you're in "sh** happens" territory, but you're both yourselves, you can carry on, you can also catch a break if you're the caregiver. But anything that involves mental issues -- mental illness, mental impairments, neuro issues -- can really make life very difficult for both.

And you're right, it's the chronic, wearing-down nature of caregiving that does it, particularly if there isn't strong family/community support. Anyone can be a hero for a few months, but as it stretches into years and there's no sign of things changing...one of the best things that happened to me, during my marriage, was coming across a book in which many people described their experiences of caregiving to a seriously mentally ill spouse. And it was all terribly familiar, but at the same time I realized, my god, this doesn't get better. And this is what people do, they knock themselves out trying to make things better, working for the spouse's improvement, which...it just doesn't happen, this is an ongoing thing. It took some of the people in the book 20 years to figure it out, and their lives had been wrecked in the meantime. At that point I quit kidding myself. Since then I've run into many ex-spouses of seriously mentally ill people, and they tell me the same thing repeatedly, how long it took them to figure it out. Because you hope.

Anyway -- this is why money isn't the main issue with disability, in dating. Yeah, money's important, you need it. But the main issue in a relationship, I think, really is the disability itself, as well as the disabled person's attitude in life and other supports that exist.


I don't want a caretaker. I would be mad if a woman treated me like she is my caretaker. I do stuff on my own aside from being shy( not liking going places alone or having to confront people. like if I have to return something) I still do those things I just prefer company/someone who is more forceful.

I just want a companion to share my love and interests with. I am willing to do stuff for them. rinse/wash their dishes, do their laundry, cook for them, etc.


I think it's safe to say that few wives want to be caretakers. That's not, I think, most people's view of what marriage will be. And I can tell you firsthand that it's terrible in a relationship, because it brings in weird and unhealthy power dynamics -- it isn't fun, it isn't pleasant, and it's very difficult to manage. Unfortunately, if one spouse is genuinely disabled and has to be taken care of in some manner, then the other does become, willy-nilly, a caretaker. It's a very difficult thing to handle in a marriage. Again, no doubt part of why so many marriages involving disability break up.


Well no one makes them. wouldnt the caretaker have power over the disabled. that how it works with my brother.

if the love is there it won't be soul crushing. if one doesn't super super love the person then I see how it could become a horrible thing.

is there polls done? we seem to have rough estimates of beak ups cause most people don't report to the gov when they break up a relationship. I don't see how we would know how many break up due to disability.

anyways I said I don't want one. I keep care of myself. I don't even get cared for when sick. I would care for my sick gf though.

not really sure the point of the post though.



sly279
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10 Jul 2014, 12:56 am

goldfish21 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
I don't want to be on SSI.


Neither did I, so even when I qualified for it I refused to go sign up for it. I squeaked by living at a friend's house while it was under renovation trading my labour for room & board.. and I'd make about $150/month on the side. I HATED the idea of signing up for welfare because I felt like putting my signature on those forms would be like officially giving up and I just could NOT do that.

Eventually I figured out what was causing my symptoms and what to do about it (see thread in sig) & I've since worked my way back into the workforce. I'm stronger/fitter/healthier than ever, my symptoms are minimal, and instead of not being able to hold down a part time minimum wage service job because my brain was tripping balls, I'm no capable of working full time + doing construction and earning better pay. I can also transition into almost any other job type I want to do again or try out new.

It took a while to improve myself to the point where I am now.. a couple of years, but it's OH so worth it. Never give up. Never settle. Just keep moving forward step by step, bit by bit, and eventually you'll be rewarded for it.

You can't expect to instantly go from being incapable of working a job to earning a decent wage full time if you're truly incapable of working. Spend your time while on SSI working on yourself, improving yourself in every way so that you're more capable than ever to take on a job.. then when you do you'll be able to do it, and work yourself up to bigger better opportunities and the money that comes along with it.

Sure, it's hard work.. but nothing worth doing is easy.


well it wasnt my choice back then I never signed papers until 18.
I don't think you're cure would solve my type of aspergers.

My problem isn't not being able to work. I work fine. It's getting past the interview and getting a job. which is compounded by the debt , degree, and lack of experience problems.



goldfish21
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10 Jul 2014, 2:06 am

sly279 wrote:
well it wasnt my choice back then I never signed papers until 18.
I don't think you're cure would solve my type of aspergers.

My problem isn't not being able to work. I work fine. It's getting past the interview and getting a job. which is compounded by the debt , degree, and lack of experience problems.


Aah, yeah - different story.. I would have never qualified as a minor. I delivered newspapers from 10-15, then got a part time job at mcdonald's after school, then on to other jobs after high school and business school etc. It wasn't until I was about the age you are now that my symptoms got worse and worse and I couldn't really work. I lost about 4 years or so that were almost a complete write off in terms of working/earning money.

You won't know for sure that it won't work for you unless you try it.

All of those problems, they're social problems for the most part.. definitely influenced by Asperger's. It's been my experience that dealing with the root (digestive) cause of all of this makes all of those things much much easier & life.. just keeps getting better. The interviews become much easier, as well as landing a job.. debt won't matter - if you have it, it exists, deal with it. Degree? Might be relevant.. especially if you get to put it to good use once you're healthier and more able to do so than you currently can. Experience won't matter so much once you're happier and healthier and interview much better, you'll be able to land jobs despite lack of experience.

Up to you what you do for yourself and your life.

Me? I personally couldn't STAND to continue living my life in my own personal hell of neurological symptoms that f****d me over at every turn. I HAD to figure out what to do and do something about it asap. I've done it and I'd never go back.

But do as you've always done and get as you've always got. Change nothing and in a year or two you'll be posting the same things on WP and getting frustrated with everything vs. making forward progress on all of your goals. IMO.


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No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


sly279
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10 Jul 2014, 6:36 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
well it wasnt my choice back then I never signed papers until 18.
I don't think you're cure would solve my type of aspergers.

My problem isn't not being able to work. I work fine. It's getting past the interview and getting a job. which is compounded by the debt , degree, and lack of experience problems.


Aah, yeah - different story.. I would have never qualified as a minor. I delivered newspapers from 10-15, then got a part time job at mcdonald's after school, then on to other jobs after high school and business school etc. It wasn't until I was about the age you are now that my symptoms got worse and worse and I couldn't really work. I lost about 4 years or so that were almost a complete write off in terms of working/earning money.

You won't know for sure that it won't work for you unless you try it.

All of those problems, they're social problems for the most part.. definitely influenced by Asperger's. It's been my experience that dealing with the root (digestive) cause of all of this makes all of those things much much easier & life.. just keeps getting better. The interviews become much easier, as well as landing a job.. debt won't matter - if you have it, it exists, deal with it. Degree? Might be relevant.. especially if you get to put it to good use once you're healthier and more able to do so than you currently can. Experience won't matter so much once you're happier and healthier and interview much better, you'll be able to land jobs despite lack of experience.

Up to you what you do for yourself and your life.

Me? I personally couldn't STAND to continue living my life in my own personal hell of neurological symptoms that f****d me over at every turn. I HAD to figure out what to do and do something about it asap. I've done it and I'd never go back.

But do as you've always done and get as you've always got. Change nothing and in a year or two you'll be posting the same things on WP and getting frustrated with everything vs. making forward progress on all of your goals. IMO.


I have already come a lot farther then I was last year, and that more then high school. will I still be here probably , proably will have a full time job, and probably still alone. posting Idk If I'll post anymore.

so your symptoms were minor then became major then solved by the diet, it is likely that you got the problem with the stomach and the diet fixed it as you said.

my symptoms started out major at birth and have only been getting mostly better as years progress. I will never be cured. some things will continue to trouble me while others will get better or figure out ways around them.


I wasn't allowed to work until I turned 18



wozeree
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10 Jul 2014, 7:26 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
woz, it is really hard to be married to someone who's disabled. Usually. That's why most of the marriages break up. Really, though, it depends on the nature of the disability and on both spouses' ability to cope, as well as other supports around. If the disability is physical and doesn't involve chronic pain or taxing mobility issues, and both spouses are psychologically strong and positive people, and there's a strong support system in place -- family, community -- then yeah, those are your best odds, I think. Then you're in "sh** happens" territory, but you're both yourselves, you can carry on, you can also catch a break if you're the caregiver. But anything that involves mental issues -- mental illness, mental impairments, neuro issues -- can really make life very difficult for both.

And you're right, it's the chronic, wearing-down nature of caregiving that does it, particularly if there isn't strong family/community support. Anyone can be a hero for a few months, but as it stretches into years and there's no sign of things changing...one of the best things that happened to me, during my marriage, was coming across a book in which many people described their experiences of caregiving to a seriously mentally ill spouse. And it was all terribly familiar, but at the same time I realized, my god, this doesn't get better. And this is what people do, they knock themselves out trying to make things better, working for the spouse's improvement, which...it just doesn't happen, this is an ongoing thing. It took some of the people in the book 20 years to figure it out, and their lives had been wrecked in the meantime. At that point I quit kidding myself. Since then I've run into many ex-spouses of seriously mentally ill people, and they tell me the same thing repeatedly, how long it took them to figure it out. Because you hope.

Anyway -- this is why money isn't the main issue with disability, in dating. Yeah, money's important, you need it. But the main issue in a relationship, I think, really is the disability itself, as well as the disabled person's attitude in life and other supports that exist.


I don't want a caretaker. I would be mad if a woman treated me like she is my caretaker. I do stuff on my own aside from being shy( not liking going places alone or having to confront people. like if I have to return something) I still do those things I just prefer company/someone who is more forceful.

I just want a companion to share my love and interests with. I am willing to do stuff for them. rinse/wash their dishes, do their laundry, cook for them, etc.


I think it's safe to say that few wives want to be caretakers. That's not, I think, most people's view of what marriage will be. And I can tell you firsthand that it's terrible in a relationship, because it brings in weird and unhealthy power dynamics -- it isn't fun, it isn't pleasant, and it's very difficult to manage. Unfortunately, if one spouse is genuinely disabled and has to be taken care of in some manner, then the other does become, willy-nilly, a caretaker. It's a very difficult thing to handle in a marriage. Again, no doubt part of why so many marriages involving disability break up.


This for me was the biggest problem, the power dynamics. Being at anyone's mercy, even someone who loves you is a dangerous thing. Human beings just (to me) don't seem to be built to give mercy when they know they have the power. It's a rare person that will. Ok, I'm a big cynic, doesn't mean I'm right, it's just been my experience.