If you are an guy and have flaws - mission impossible?

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Point is not here. I'm looking definitely not for 0 of 10 but also wasn't able to find girlfriend last years.

Character maybe? Habits? Hobbies?

To the OP:

Hi. I've felt like this for most of my life. I didn't get to see your photos but I'm willing to bet that I would have considered that you look better than I ever did. I've always considered myself very ugly and plenty of people (usually girls and women) have either made negative comments about my appearance (often comparing me to monsters like Lurch from The Addams Family) or just plain laughed in my face.

Since my diagnosis I've started to wonder if it is things like my body language and eye contact that people find off-putting rather than my actual physical appearance. It's still a problem of course but... it's kind of better than just being ugly.

I also know I've been guilty of being actually afraid to think differently about myself- as if somehow if I tried to think of myself as good as anyone else this would somehow tempt fate into doing something horrible to me. I know I also would denigrate myself to other people a lot just to try to get them to re-assure me that I really looked OK. I was never able to believe their comments when they did try to re-assure me though and I think they just rapidly ran out of patience with me and got angry.

I noticed Face of Boo's post in this thread about toxic shame. I Googled this and it rang a few bells with me. It warrants further investigation.

I think self hatred is the real problem. I've got to try and overcome this and learn to shrug off the haters. I haven't done it yet but I'm going to try.

I think this will help you too.

He looks like a regular guy. I don't understand why he thinks he's ugly.

He's absolutely a regular-looking guy. Body Dysmorphic Disorder, perhaps?

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-cond ... n-20029953

(It's in the DSMV and the link is to the Mayo Clinic, a highly-regarded hospital. It is apparently treatable).

Cause a guy being normal/average looking also often means that he "looks generic" or worse yet "looks generic to women" .

That's also usually why younger guys almost always self-identify as being above-average in looks, whether they are or not.

I'm gonna go with the person who says the self-loathing is putting people off. There's nothing more unattractive. Nothing. People who self-loathe suck you into their misery and if you get close to them they often treat their intimate partners and close friends and family members really badly.

And people can sense it. If you're putting off a tiny fraction of the self-hate you've shared here then a lot of people will run a mile.

I didn't see your pics, OP, but confidence is supremely attractive and that's something a self-loather has none of.

Confidence advices are stupid, people.

Confidence is acquired after you feel you proved yourself in some discipline. Let's take school for example: You get always As in math? Then you eventually become confident in Math. You always solve physics problems correctly? You get confident in doing them on the board in front of class. Guess what happens to the one who feels so confident yet can't solve anything on the board everytime, yes, he becomes a mockery - and NO one will find that's attractive.

Same in life, you get tons of dates and a lot of girls like you? You get confident with girls.

It is the competence what matters.

I don't know man. Women suck on so many levels but as do men as well. The most you can do is just play it chill, keep it simple, don't rush or expect anything within firsthand of doing something intriguing like going out on a date or making out with the chick or holding her hand or whatever the case may be just keep it overall cool and don't let that stuff get the best of you because then you'll be all over her and then you'll literally be ignored more than you probably already are.

Look, I'm an ugly dude and if you don't believe me then check me out and you'll see what I mean: INSTAGRAM - ghinxu

I find myself to be so f*****g grotesque looking but yet I'm found to be attractive as f**k like the f**k? No, they must be blind or not wearing contacts because they truly don't know what they're staring at. Lol.

This is not strictly a competence/confidence question -- the guy who started this thread posited that the reason he has had no luck with women is because he is so physically repulsive.

He posted a couple of selfies -- empirically, he's an okay looking dude.

His physical appearance, alone, doesn't seem to explain the lack of luck with women.

That said, there is a giant chasm between the confidence/competence that comes from having had lots of dating success and the poster's genuine belief that he's so ugly that no girl will ever want him -- his self-loathing leaps off the page. Andvthats what's likely crippling him socially.

Maybe the self-loathing is body Dysmorphic disorder or PTSD or just crippling anxiety -- all of which can be treated. And the goal of treatment isn't to have him fake social confidence/suaveness with the ladies, but to get him to the make-the-best-of-the-looks-you've-got point.

No, the guy is also saying he has 100 flaws, and saying that he's not talented or good in any area, his self-loathing is not just about his looks.




This is often a consequence of failure in attracting, and rejections from girls, if no one likes you for years, then you start thinking you're unattractive.

For example, I've learned that my height (5'3 now) is really unattractive to taller girls since young age due to the fast refusal (as a fast reaction) in dancing floors; the very short girls or the chubby girls (even if they are taller) never had a problem to join - this is a tangible experience, and this is has nothing to do how I display confidence or whatever.

Don't be fooled, I know it's just dancing, but dancing occasions have a lot to do with physical attraction - girls won't dance with someone they find unattractive even if it's just a one time occasion and won't see the guy again - because they are usually with their female friends....and girls care a lot to be seen with a physically approved guy and don't want to appear the odd dancing 'couple' in front of their friends - This doesn't stop at high school btw.

So yeah, I am now way less likely (hence less confident) to approach a taller girl in any dancing floor but way more confident to approach a shorter one - but if all of them kept refusing me then I would have concluded that none is capable to like me.

You can learn a lot about yourself from observation of others' reactions toward you.

The OP's only chance is to improve himself, his career, activities, even improving his looks; and when he starts getting date and sex, then he would gradually gain confidence about his looks.

Many aspies are atheists because they don't buy in fake faith (confidence for me is just a buzzword, and it's kind of belief by definition), they are more 'cause and effect' people. They observe , analyze and interpret.

http://fortune.com/2013/10/17/confidenc ... o-success/

- See more at: http://researchnetwork.pearson.com/next ... Hez4T.dpuf


I seem to have a more female mind regarding this whole confidence thing:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140227 ... confidence

This is a one excellent article on the subject:
http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2006/09 ... ence-myth/


and here's a more raw one: http://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9050

Perhaps you should try to find a way to be ok even without a girl.

That's actually an interesting website in the second link which appears to be devoted to the concept of how relationships/sex are often much harder for men in the U.S. to acquire than in many other countries.

This makes me wonder if the semi-recent trend of more men being "excluded" from intimacy-with-women is mostly just a U.S. phenomenon

I always hear guys talking about how hard it is to meet women. When I ask them how many times they've tried, the most I've heard is 5 or 6 times. If you only try to do something a few times and then give up, I don't see how you can say that it's impossible without making more attempts.

Not all of us males go on a shotgun rampage of asking girls out right and left, asking out every breathing female out there in our sight, anywhere and anytime, and date the first girl who happens to say yes, and to go for her just because she said yes in the first place.
Aside of the online dating cases, when it come to real life, some of us need to build a minimum bond before liking the girl enough to ask her out - and the more one has social life the more has chances to build bonds with new girls - but as you know, your site is for autistics.