May I get some opinions on "May-September" romance

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, Ragtime. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult weekend. It sounds like she was so excited to have you with her that she didn't think about it being too much too soon for you. Like everyone else said, NT's can have the best intentions, but they will never really know how torturous these social events can be for us. Even I can't relate entirely to things like the stemming behavior, being only borderline Aspie. I know you drove her home in an erratic way, but were you able to control some of your other stems, until you were alone? If not, that must have been a little scary for her. If she's committed to giving your relationship a fair chance, though, then maybe she can let you plan dates for the immediate future. Once she starts to see where your limitations lie, she'll have a better idea of whether or not she's willing to adjust her lifestyle to make things work. Some NT's can do that, some can't. I guess it just depends on how much they thrive on social contact, and if they're content to do a large part of their socializing alone. Or, do you think it's just too much for you right now to try and be in a relationship? If things had gone your way this weekend, how would your date have looked?

It's just too much for me. Generally (99% of the time), I'm quite okay with being single -- very glad I'm alone, in fact! It's just that other 1% of the time I have trouble with. I didn't have any outward reactions around her. I drove her home normally, but, after dropping her off, I was prone to speeding and weaving between cars on my way home -- simply because I couldn't wait to get there, to my safe haven, so that I could shut out everything and everyone, and try to regain my sanity. She's fine with continuing the relationship, but I'm not. It's just too much. I reach "too much" very easily these days, to the extent that a relationship just doesn't seem possible at all, much less desirable. Inviting someone into my life usually feels like letting some neighborhood kid walk on my new carpet with muddy shoes. A nuisance.

Oh, I know exactly what you mean! I feel the same way about having close friends. There are times when it might be nice, but my very soul seems to fight it, because it feels just as you described it, a nuisance -- an invasion of my privacy. I think my pattern follows closely to how you reacted to your new relationship. When I first start forming a friendship with someone new, I'm excited about the thought of all the things I have to offer a friend -- loyalty, caring, giving, etc. Then, I start to feel suffocated by the idea of the person becoming too much a part of my life -- like I'll never be able to get rid of them -- like I'll never have peace again. An even bigger worry, though, is that I'll be rejected. The last time an aquaintance threatened to become a friendship, I withdrew so much that the person eventually gave up on me. I breathed a sigh of relief for having my nice comfy life back again.

The one thing I haven't figured out is whether or not this is an instinct that I should fight.

I wonder for you too, whether you should fight the urge to get rid of love interests or accept it. I remember your comment about having so much love to give someone. Do you feel like you're suppressing that 99% of the time, to protect yourself?

I am sorry to hear this in a way Ragtime, though it maybe a relief to you in many ways.

I can relate to that. I met someone recently that would very much like me to be his girlfriend but whilst I enjoy going out to talk, I feel quite unable and don't want it to go further. He is another Aspie so we can relax around each other and talk about all kinds of things. He keeps talking about wanting to taste my cooking, meet my family and generally get inside my home. If I had a large home where I could seal my main living areas away from a kind of general reception room just for guests, then he might be welcome, but I don't have that set up and hate anyone coming into my home. Fortunately, I live in a busy part of the city and there are plenty of coffee shops and things to go to and we always arrange to meet in those kinds of places, though weekends are unbearably busy and trying to find a quiet corner where I can put my back to the rest of the place is hard.

Well, I can fight it, but I always get snapped back to my natural state like a rubber band. Equilibrim is always restored. I wonder if I only have so much love to give because it's been building up during that 99% of the time. ...It's a tricky thing to understand about oneself.

But I identify with everything you wrote. Why can't people understand that my home is MY home? My only sanctuary. I don't like when people automatically expect entrance into my apartment, as if it's their right or something, and I owe it to them. But what you said is exactly what I'd like to have, if I had a large enough house: a guest-receiving room, so that the rest of my home is simply off-limits. A small few people do this, and I envy them. I'll wager that it's common in some societies for the guest to remain in the "guest area" only, even when specially invited to the home. If I, having AS, have inate trouble understanding NTs' boundaries, they seem to have just as much trouble understanding mine. It makes relationships tricky, because setting unusual (Aspie-style) boundaries strongly risks alienating the other person, in my experience. You know, when they get that giant "?" over their heads.

Ha ha Ragtime.

With you on all of your post but the boundaries thing is especially hard for me.

I used to hear about those marriages when the wife lived in one house and the husband lived in another one next door or across the street, usually older couples. I thought they were crazy... but when you really think about it you can sure see the logic in it.

...date last month, although it did go fair...I had just had enough quality conversation time by the end of the day and all I could think about was forming my escape plan and going home...to my tiny haven and a cup of hot coffee...alone.

It's interesting, because I'm that way about friends, but not about my husband. To me, he's a part of my comfort zone, not an intrusion. Yeah, we fight sometimes, but I don't feel like I have to put on any kind of an act around him, so it's not as big of a deal as if I were to fight with an acquaintance. I'm never entirely myself around them, so I don't even know what it would be like to lose control enough to argue. I see NT's have knock-down drag-out fights with each other and come out as even stronger friends. It completely puzzles me. I have no idea how to do something like that with anyone other than my husband.

Ragtime, how did you feel when you were married to your ex? Did you ever get to the point where you felt like she wasn't an intruder?

Yes, when I was married, I often felt safe with her. Silly me. "Safe" would be the last word to describe her.

This is exactly how it is with my husband Kiki. I'm completely comfortable with him and have been since I started dating all those years ago. I can't even describe it. He actually calms me. I love being around him and I can do anything when I am around him, including write. I can't do that with anyone else.

I don't think theres anything wrong with it. At my new job (which I will be starting in the coming weeks), its mostly women, and all except for one or two are much older then me. I might be dating an older women if I find one I can connect with (not like that).

ZanneMarie, how wonderful that you were able to find someone who could make you feel that way! Do you have obsessive bouts of worrying that he'll leave you? I'm getting better, but I always worry that the rug will be pulled out from under me. I have only recently, since finding out that I'm probably an Aspie, started to appreciate my husband. For years, I felt like I took "door one" when I married him. I know that sounds terrible, but I've always been such a romantic daydreamer that I thought my knight-in-shining-armour would sweep me off my feet and make me feel like I was "in love" all the time. I'm nothing if not loyal, so cheating was never an option. I went through some terribly depressed years where I cried a lot, because I thought I threw away my chance to find true love. I was always comfortable around my husband, and that's the main reason why I agreed to date and marry him. Now, I'm realizing that the love we have is probably more real than the romanticized ideal I always wanted to believe existed.

No, I never worry about him leaving me. He actually worries all the time that something will happen to me. He worries that I'll die in a car accident or some man will hurt me because I can't "read" them. He's always been that way with me. I'm actually the one who didn't understand anything about love and just stuck around because I was comfortable. I didn't get the love thing until later. So I didn't have any romantic notions. I'm the one who can't remember the anniversary. He gets flowers and cards, etc. But, it's okay. We do alright together, weird as we are by NT standards. That's all we care about.

[quote="RagtimeLet me know if your arrangment continues to work. I had explained, very very clearly, to her about my social limitations. She claimed she fully understood, but then made me go to this stuff anyway.[/quote]

It has been two years now and there is no reason to expect things to end. Neither of us has any intentions of getting married again. We both own seperate homes and have no intention of living together. She is very much an NT but has been married twice and had several relationships that all ended badly. She likes the brutality of my honesty and the fact that I am not needy, possesive or clingy. We look at our relationship as more of a friends with benfits kind of thing. We both care very deeply for each other but because of past experiences and AS we agreed early on to certain limitations. Like someone else has already stated some NT's get it and some don't.

Well, we're back together again, but taking it slow, easy-going, and casual -- braver than testing the waters, but more cautious than leaping before we look. We just both want to take a serious look at whether we have potential -- but I think the best move we're making is trying to combat our OCD (we both have that), by not even looking at any long-term picture, because that just makes us nervous. It's better to just relax about it, and take it one day at a time. Although I have OCD, I am not always in its grip -- just the vast majority of the time. I CAN be truly casual, at times (as per my avatar!), and this is one of those times.

The age thing is a big gap to bridge -- no sense in deceiving ourselves there -- but we do like each other's company a lot, and that's what we're focusing on. I usually clean my apartment spic-n-span for a new love interest. But in the past year or so, I've grown more accepting of myself just the way I am, and less adherent to other people's random perferences of me. So I showed her my apartment -- before I cleaned it. (I'm a slob, so that was an act of bravery for me! ) That's a good test: How would she handle it? Well, she handled it just fine! No objections, no discomfort. We mainly went to my small apartment so she could meet my African Grey parrot, Chloe, and hear me play my new Steinway grand piano. I warned her ahead of time, "This is a bachelor's apartment", informing her that she would be seeing me as I really am -- without putting on any airs. It felt so good to be accepted that way! (Of my parrot, she said, laughing with glee, "I like your child!")

Last edited by Ragtime on 30 Apr 2007, 9:12 am, edited 5 times in total.

Well, this sounds like good news Ragtime. I really hope it can work in some way for you both