"You Just Haven't Met The Right Person Yet (But You Will)"

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BTDT
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08 Feb 2016, 11:13 am

I wouldn't worry about such studies--after all, they are studying NTs, not Aspies. And, if you look carefully, they usually involve small sample sizes which means they can't really be that accurate.

In our culture, guys normally become more desirable as they get older--I think this really applies to Aspies, as we take longer to develop social skills and stature in the work world. It is especially true if you look young for your age--women can't get past the initial impression of a guy looking too young for them, even if they are chronologically much older.



AR15000
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08 Feb 2016, 11:29 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
"You Just Haven't Met The Right Person Yet (But You Will)"

People will often say this to me when they find out that I've been chronically and involuntarily single throughout the course of my 19 years on this earth. I know they mean well, and I guess sometimes they simply don't know what else to say, but honestly, this phrase pisses me off for two main reasons.

Firstly, to make a guarantee that I will meet someone when there's no quantifiable evidence to support the statement is ludicrous, especially when I haven't been able to experience dating prior to this stage in my life. I'm not saying I won't experience love, and I won't meet this 'right person', but there's no reason to expect I will based on my past experiences (or lack thereof), and there's certainly no grounds on which to guarantee this.

Making unsubstantiated (and therefore unconvincing) claims that offer no meaningful or quantifiable information is just annoying from the point of view of someone who's heard these claims a fair few times and has yet to see them come to fruition. If you can prove to me that I will meet someone one day, you'll have my undivided attention. Otherwise, why make claims you can't prove? In my opinion, reassurance like this is only helpful if you can make guarantees. In situations like these, it's virtually impossible to do so.

Secondly, this statement seems awfully assumptive to me. Maybe I'm not looking for the 'right person' just yet. Maybe I'd like to get some dating experience under my belt so I can learn my likes and dislikes in a potential partner from a practical standpoint rather than a theoretical one. Having been alone all your life when you've seen so many people your age and younger flaunting their romantically active status is disheartening, and can make you feel defective and undesirable, making you wonder why it has to be you that nobody's interested in, and if/how it's possible to change your situation. I feel as though I've began plummeting into a deepening pitfall of insecurity, and I don't know how to climb out (or if it's even possible for that matter).

I kinda got off-topic here. My point is that I'm not looking for the 'right person' just yet, not that I'd reject her if she came along. My main focuses in this area are receiving romantic experience, and more importantly, validation. I don't know how else to repair my fractured self-esteem than to challenge my own beliefs about my undatableness (not a real word, don't care), and the only way I can see that happening is having it proven to me that girls can be interested in me, to contrast the evidence I've gathered to the contrary.

So what do you think about this phrase? What do you think about my predicament and how I'm viewing at it? Do you have any insight you'd like to share regarding anything I've said? Do you know what I can do to be more successful with women or just feel better about myself in general? Are you sick of these questions? Let me know what you think.




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08 Feb 2016, 11:45 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Outrider wrote:
Honestly, what's so bad about your first relationship being 'the one' anyway?


I would have no complaints if the first person I dated turned out to be the one for me. My point is that I have never had any romantic partners, and that's what I'm unhappy about. I'm not unhappy about not having found the person I want to marry yet. At 19, I think that would be unreasonable.

Next time someone tells you they want a cheeseburger, tell them they'll open up a McDonald's franchise one day. I'm sure they'll feel terribly reassured.


You are 19, that implies the only chance for romantic relationships you've had thus far would have been while you were still in middle/high-school. Teens don't really know what they want in relationships yet, sure maybe many of your peers at school had boyfriends and girlfriends but I doubt these relationships lasted or were very committed. In the adult world people aren't going to care if you didn't go out with someone starting in middle and highschool.

Also what benefit do you think having had romantic partners already would have given you? I mean going on various casual dates to try and meet someone compatible is a pretty stressful process...and break ups and rejections can also occur which wouldn't make you feel great. Really all you can do now is if you're interested in someone try asking them out, or go on a dating website and message women there that you might be interested in meeting...but also don't intentionally go out with people you aren't intrested in potentially long term just for 'experience' just see what happens allow for the possibility of it to go long term, or be a short term thing.


I beg to differ that lack of romantic experience will have no effect on my young adult dating life. Most people I know have had sex, or at least been in a relationship by now, whilst I've yet to go on my first date. I can't imagine I'm going to be a natural at sex or kissing, and I'd imagine anyone I do end up with has probably already garnered experience in both of those things, or at very least kissing. So already, I'm at somewhat of a disadvantage.

Having had romantic partners by now would show me that I have the capacity to attract romantic partners. I've been on dating sites and been met with very limited success. I've asked girls out and been rejected. The only possible conclusion I can reach is that I'm less desirable than the other males who can get relationships and dates. That conclusion isn't great for one's self-esteem.

My lack of desirability has been illustrated to me in real life - having not even been on a date when most of my peers are far ahead of me, and online - I know guys with hundreds of tinder matches who've been on tinder less time than I have. I have about 9, most of whom don't respond, and those that do respond are already romantically involved with someone else.

On a side note, I would not get into a relationship with someone I wasn't interested in, but by the same token, I would have to get to know prospective partners through dates and whatnot to see if there was any compatibility there first.


You don't think there's any girls out there 18 or older who are also lacking a lot of adolescent and teen romance experiences and thus are new to it? I didn't mean having a lack of experience has no effect, I am just saying that I question how much adolescent and teen romance is actually reflective of the kind of experience you need for an adult relationship. I didn't even have sex till I was 19 and graduated from highschool, and honestly I am glad I didn't have it before...in fact if I knew ahead of time what that relationship was going to amount to I would have waited even longer probably.

Not having had a romantic partner by now, doesn't mean you're too undesirable to ever attract anyone. Now if you come of as being rather different or unusual, like many of us on this site do then yeah to the typical neurotypical demographic you may not be as desirable as other typical neurotypicals to them. But it doesn't mean you're just undesirable to all females across the board...so I really hope you don't convince yourself of that because then it'll just make you bitter and more likely to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

And what sort of limited success on dating sites?


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08 Feb 2016, 12:08 pm

It's kind of a double edged sword. When I was younger, people used to say that kind of thing to me and it would encourage me a little. As I got older, I felt more like the OP stated. Now that I'm 37, no one says it anymore and it kind of makes me feel bad. Either that people don't care or that they've also given up on me.



Amarvilasx
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09 Feb 2016, 10:45 pm

It's a platitude, not a promise. Take it as such instead of obsessing.



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10 Feb 2016, 11:59 am

It happened to me, even though I spent most of my life never thinking it would. I finally had a serious relationship when I was 29, but in the end we weren't right for each other. About a year after that ended, I met someone who just fit with me so well. We were engaged about 3 months after we started dating, and now have been married for 16 years.

My therapist calls me a late bloomer. I can see why now. It took me longer than others to learn social skills, and to overcome social anxiety enough to be able to talk to women on a social level.

Yes, there is no guarantee that everyone will meet the right person, but if I could, probably anybody could. I was just a mess for most of my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood.



AR15000
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10 Feb 2016, 2:22 pm

Amarvilasx wrote:
It's a platitude, not a promise. Take it as such instead of obsessing.





GENAU!



Bataar
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10 Feb 2016, 2:38 pm

My biggest problem when it comes to meeting anyone, let alone the right person, is that I don't really do anything. I go to work where's there's no prospects and then I come home. I generally can't think of anything I want to go do outside of the house and unless I need to go grocery shopping or something, I generally don't have a valid reason to leave.

Sure, maybe someday, a single woman will be driving down my street and suddenly have a flat tire in front of the driveway. When she goes to change the tire, she'll realize her lug wrench is missing making it impossible to change herself. Her next course of action is to call a friend/family member but she'll realize she forgot to charge her phone the night before and the battery is completely dead. With no other options but to seek local help and due to the coincidental timing of a stray, very mangy looking dog walking near a neighbor's driveway, she'd be forced to walk up my driveway to ask for help. If this scenario plays out, I could meet someone.



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10 Feb 2016, 4:38 pm

Kuraudo777 wrote:
I've always believed that there is so much more to love than chemicals. :heart:


Initial attraction is probably all about chemicals, but staying with someone for more solid reasons, once all the stupid endorphins have stopped whizzing around and making you crazy, is what love is.



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10 Feb 2016, 7:33 pm

@Bataar

Maybe I'm just lucky, and/or good-looking, but all I had to do was get the mail and I was catcalled and nearly appraoched by a group of three females. I walked inside though quickly before they got the chance to talk to me - besides, I was currently not single, and no interested in them mutually. Still, that's a 1 in 1,000 thing that doesn't happen very often. :lol:

But yes, I completely relate. So, still haven't solved the issue Bataar of having nowhere to go, sir? Because I haven't either and have had that problem since November last year. Nearly 6 months now. My city is just very boring with no much to do for anyone.



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11 Feb 2016, 6:12 pm

Outrider wrote:
@Bataar

Maybe I'm just lucky, and/or good-looking, but all I had to do was get the mail and I was catcalled and nearly appraoched by a group of three females. I walked inside though quickly before they got the chance to talk to me - besides, I was currently not single, and no interested in them mutually. Still, that's a 1 in 1,000 thing that doesn't happen very often. :lol:

But yes, I completely relate. So, still haven't solved the issue Bataar of having nowhere to go, sir? Because I haven't either and have had that problem since November last year. Nearly 6 months now. My city is just very boring with no much to do for anyone.

Nope. Still haven't solved it. I'll be leaving work in about an hour and heading home. I'll stay at home until I go to bed around midnight and I'll get up and come back to work Friday morning. Friday, after work, I'll be going to my brother's to watch a movie, but then I won't be doing anything else this weekend. Don't have anything planned at all next week either until Friday when I go to my brother's again.



nurseangela
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11 Feb 2016, 6:41 pm

Bataar wrote:
Outrider wrote:
@Bataar

Maybe I'm just lucky, and/or good-looking, but all I had to do was get the mail and I was catcalled and nearly appraoched by a group of three females. I walked inside though quickly before they got the chance to talk to me - besides, I was currently not single, and no interested in them mutually. Still, that's a 1 in 1,000 thing that doesn't happen very often. :lol:

But yes, I completely relate. So, still haven't solved the issue Bataar of having nowhere to go, sir? Because I haven't either and have had that problem since November last year. Nearly 6 months now. My city is just very boring with no much to do for anyone.

Nope. Still haven't solved it. I'll be leaving work in about an hour and heading home. I'll stay at home until I go to bed around midnight and I'll get up and come back to work Friday morning. Friday, after work, I'll be going to my brother's to watch a movie, but then I won't be doing anything else this weekend. Don't have anything planned at all next week either until Friday when I go to my brother's again.


I wish I had a sister to do things with then I'd at least get out of the house. Instead of watching a movie at your brothers, you could go out to the movies and somewhere for dinner. I wouldn't expect to meet someone, but at least you would be out among people. Since you have a brother you could go out to a lot of places like bowling, movies, sports bars, regular bars with dancing. What else do two guys do on a weekend night?


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11 Feb 2016, 7:07 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Outrider wrote:
@Bataar

Maybe I'm just lucky, and/or good-looking, but all I had to do was get the mail and I was catcalled and nearly appraoched by a group of three females. I walked inside though quickly before they got the chance to talk to me - besides, I was currently not single, and no interested in them mutually. Still, that's a 1 in 1,000 thing that doesn't happen very often. :lol:

But yes, I completely relate. So, still haven't solved the issue Bataar of having nowhere to go, sir? Because I haven't either and have had that problem since November last year. Nearly 6 months now. My city is just very boring with no much to do for anyone.

Nope. Still haven't solved it. I'll be leaving work in about an hour and heading home. I'll stay at home until I go to bed around midnight and I'll get up and come back to work Friday morning. Friday, after work, I'll be going to my brother's to watch a movie, but then I won't be doing anything else this weekend. Don't have anything planned at all next week either until Friday when I go to my brother's again.


I wish I had a sister to do things with then I'd at least get out of the house. Instead of watching a movie at your brothers, you could go out to the movies and somewhere for dinner. I wouldn't expect to meet someone, but at least you would be out among people. Since you have a brother you could go out to a lot of places like bowling, movies, sports bars, regular bars with dancing. What else do two guys do on a weekend night?

The two of us actually will be going to a movie this week. We either go out to dinner and then back to his place for a movie or we'll go out. It's definitely something to do outside of the house, but it's not exactly a means to meet new people.



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11 Feb 2016, 7:23 pm

Bataar wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Outrider wrote:
@Bataar

Maybe I'm just lucky, and/or good-looking, but all I had to do was get the mail and I was catcalled and nearly appraoched by a group of three females. I walked inside though quickly before they got the chance to talk to me - besides, I was currently not single, and no interested in them mutually. Still, that's a 1 in 1,000 thing that doesn't happen very often. :lol:

But yes, I completely relate. So, still haven't solved the issue Bataar of having nowhere to go, sir? Because I haven't either and have had that problem since November last year. Nearly 6 months now. My city is just very boring with no much to do for anyone.

Nope. Still haven't solved it. I'll be leaving work in about an hour and heading home. I'll stay at home until I go to bed around midnight and I'll get up and come back to work Friday morning. Friday, after work, I'll be going to my brother's to watch a movie, but then I won't be doing anything else this weekend. Don't have anything planned at all next week either until Friday when I go to my brother's again.


I wish I had a sister to do things with then I'd at least get out of the house. Instead of watching a movie at your brothers, you could go out to the movies and somewhere for dinner. I wouldn't expect to meet someone, but at least you would be out among people. Since you have a brother you could go out to a lot of places like bowling, movies, sports bars, regular bars with dancing. What else do two guys do on a weekend night?

The two of us actually will be going to a movie this week. We either go out to dinner and then back to his place for a movie or we'll go out. It's definitely something to do outside of the house, but it's not exactly a means to meet new people.


If you're brother isn't married, you have the perfect setup to meet women - which is what I gather you want. And if he's NT then he can be the one to do the eye contact and smile stuff. You don't have to go anywhere by yourself. One thing I had thought about doing was taking dance lessons and I did go ball room dancing once (ok, my first guy partner was about 90 8O, but I still had fun) but I don't have those friends anymore. I don't like meeting new people by myself.


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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


Kuraudo777
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11 Feb 2016, 7:37 pm

^Agreed; I don't like meeting new people by myself. I often feel so awkward.


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15 Feb 2016, 7:11 pm

I keep trying to post a well thought out response to this thread, but fecking security system keeps deleting it. Grrrr