Is anyone lowering their standards or willing to settle?

Post Reply New Topic

I settled and am quite crazy in love. As the boyfriend is with me.

All's well that ends well

I see these relationships a lot, too, where people are just together to distract each other from being sad and make each other feel better. I'm a little afraid of being wanted for that at my age, where a lot of people are paired off already so some of the singles are getting desperate.

Unrealistic standards full of things that don't really matter aren't good, but having no standards means you'll spend your days with someone who doesn't help you grow as a person or tackle life's challenges, and who you might not even want anymore once the sad period passes. Maybe even someone who helps make you a worse person, not a better one.

I feel like I got tricked into lowering my standards.
For the first 3 months I was in my current relationship I did not know she was an alcoholic.
She did not drink around me and never appeared to be intoxicated so I had no clue.
Then it turns out she had several DUI arrests in her past. The most recent was about 18 months before I met her.
By then we had already become sexually involved, which I don't take lightly, so when she promised she had turned over a new leaf I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
She did not drink all the time but she would binge drink and go wild about once a month and I didn't know what to do. I have a young child and threatened to leave her if it continued.
Christmas time 2014 she claims she was clipped by a car while walking on the shoulder of our street after she came home from a work Christmas party. She was unbelivably trashed so I don't know if she fell in a ditch or in the path of a car or what.
I wasn't there because she didn't come home when we had planned to take my son and his friend to the movies, so I took them on my own. I guess it scared her because she straightened up a good deal after I took her to the ER that night to get her stitched up.
She's been much better but I never know when she's going to slip. She hasn't completely stopped drinking and she still tends to drink more than she should once she gets started.
She can't seem to simply stop when we leave a social gathering. She's got to come home and finish whatever is in the house or wants to stop off for a 6 pack on the way home.

On top of that she turned out to be rather jealous. Always concerned about who I'm talking to or what I may be up to when I'm not with her.
More recently her attention has focused more on my mother, who doesn't accept our "lifestyle".
So, she doesn't want me to spend any more time than is necessary around my parents. For the longest time she kept saying she knew I was going to go back to my ex, eventhough I never would have nor indicated that I wanted to.

Recently, it seems that her temper has gotten to be an issue. She constantly curses and flips people off while driving. She yells at my son for minor infractions, sometimes he deserves some sort of consequence for his actions but she jumps all over issuing the punishment (usually taking away his xbox)immediately before consulting me or allowing me to step in.
We've been together for 5 years, I'm not saying she can't team with me to discipline my child but sometimes it seems harsh and uncalled for. I have tried to address this and she gets mad and says "Fine, you handle your kid!" but she doesn't stop.
On Sunday we were at the grocery store using a self-checkout machine and she was having issues using it so I joked (or thought I was joking) that from now on she needed to go to a cashier line.
She glared at me and told me the next time I talked to her like that in public she'd punch me in the throat.

I know that all sounds terrible and that I should leave her but 90% of the time things aren't like what I described above. She's usually agreeable and loving.
She often goes out of her way to do nice things for others. She works hard both at her job and at home. She has never harmed me or my son. I know she would never actually punch me in the throat.
I'm at a loss for what to do. My Aspergers probably doesn't help me discern. On top of the dynamics of our relationship there is all the people me and my son know and love via her.
Like her mother and sister and extended family that my son and I feel like are family to us now. They know she is an alcoholic and try to assist when they can. Her sister has taken my son home with her so he didn't see my partner drunk and beligerant.
The sad part is I went through a lot to get out of my marriage to escape someone with a violent temper and some days I feel like I walked into a similar situation.
Some of the reasons I left my ex for are things I'm letting her slide for...for now anyway. The only thing I can say she has worked to change where my ex refused to.
Things are better than they were but they could be better. I imagined myself with someone more like myself...nerdy, educated, low key, etc.
The problem was that anyone like that I encountered wasn't interested in me. I have a bachelors degree. I went out with women with degrees...usually only once though.
I guess I look like a good prospect online but not so much in person...I think we all know how that goes.
So, now I'm with someone who squeaked out of high school and has self-sabotaged their professional and private lives their whole adult life thus far.
Yeah, I've settled...I'm just still figuring out if I should have.

90% of the time men who abuse women aren't being abusive dicks, either - that's part of why abused women don't want to leave their spouses/partners.

This woman sounds like, on balance, she is bad for you and your son. Is she what you want your son to grow up thinking of as a role model for what he should look for in a mate?

There are support groups in large cities for both family members of alcoholics, and abused partners. It might really help you to attend one or both.

My answer is still...... Nope.

I related all this to a friend of mine and her response was completely the opposite. She told me it was probably stress and to let it go. This is why I'm always uncertain what to do whenever anything happens in my relationship that I don't like.

I end up asking myself if I'm over reacting. Maybe this is the way NTs behave.
It seems like they like to have parties and drink alcohol. Seems boring to me but they do it.
Maybe I have too high of expectations from people who often don't make logical choices.

We live together, I really don't see being able to go to anything like Al Anon without her knowing and it turning into a big argument. She hasn't completely fallen off the wagon for over a year now. I don't think I could play that card unless she really blew it again, and at that point I think I might just be inclined to end the relationship. I guess I need to think about scenarios that might happen and what I would do in response.

Well, shoot. I feel for you. It sounds really rough.
Given that your friend knows you and her and more about the situation, she's probably closer to being right than I am from the distance of a satellite link.

Good luck; I hope it works out for you, with or without her.

I personally settle tbh... I can't mentally handle if I am dating above my range. I get really paranoid and all that jazz so I can only settle.

Well if you meet a guy and hit it off, and they sense that you feel you're just 'settling' but don't really bond with them or like them then its probably not going to make them feel very good about them-self, i mean even if you don't say that they might pick up on it.

Also I think some guys are turned off by girls who seem desperate or jump right into sex at least for the long run...I mean I've had similar experiences of guys seeming initially interested and then not ending up wanting anything long term and pretty sure those are things I was doing wrong. That is all I can really think of at the moment and not sure it entirely applies to your situation but that has been my experience.

Also there are lots of people out there who are simply 'not nasty' however someone not being nasty isn't enough to build a relationship. It helps to look among people who share some similar interests, a simular lifestyle or one that appeals to you since you'll likely end up spending much time with a S.O so you'll want things to enjoy together.

I think a lot of people change their standards and/or settle -- settling is a pleasant alternative to being single forever.

Certain things aren't so much settling as acknowledging that nobody's perfect - I didn't used to be willing to date divorced people, but as I got older, divorce wasn't a dealbreaker any more. Mostly because I lived with my ex for a year (not married) and decided I'd no moral high ground over people who got divorced after a year.

Sometimes 'settling' means giving someone a first chance that you wouldn't have before - a little more overweight, a little less handsome, a little more-or-less-whatever, and realizing that they have really stellar qualities that just don't show up on the outside. What looks like 'settling' from the outside might actually be 'maturing beyond purely visual attraction.'

^^^ yes! This!!

The first thing you need to do is get rid of the fallacy of other people "settling" just because you don't see why they are together.

Just because you look at a couple and feel they just settled for each other doesn't mean they actually did settle.

I make this mistake too. Take my first boyfriend and his wife for example - they don't seem to have much in common and I know deep down inside he wishes she was more outgoing so he could have a partner at his side while being fun and outgoing, but they are having a baby and are happy. He would never abandon her and she is very loyal to him. I know because he is a maniacal cheat normally but has turned down many of our mutual friends who have propositioned him for extra marital play.

When I take a closer look at their relationship, I see that she watches his dorky shows with him, and commits to sharing more intimate moments with him. Stuff that the rest of us don't normally get to see.

Relationships and bonds are more complex than what meets the eye. Each of those couples have gone through unique experiences and moments together that got them to where they are now. It was organic and hard to describe.

I believe you will find that as people get older, they just want companionship In general. With time, they start dropping the concept of a perfect soul mate who is their doppelganger in the opposite genders body. Reaching this state makes someone content dating a lot of individuals that you would swear she or he settled for, when really they are at peace with the difference. What they want is an individual who will commit to them.

Now onto your question:
Settling is ok as long as you can make peace with what you are settling for.

For example, settling for a guy who likes a music genre you hate is one thing, but settling for a guy who is mean and lacks patience is another.

Essentially make a list of traits that are a 100% deal breaker - as in if the guy had them, you would have to leave him immediately.

Anything not on that list is perfectly ok.

Gayaspieboi that is a brilliant comment.

People on the outside looking in don't actually see that connection and do tend to judge too quickly, especially those of us who've never really found anything like that. It's hard to imagine other people are actually happy when one is not happy in oneself.

I'll be honest when I see people getting married I do wonder if they actually like each other (yes I'll bet there's some sexual attractions) but do they actually like each other as people beyond that? Especially when I see a spate of marriages or moving in togethers in a social group. Are they happy, or just ticking boxes?

But what do I know? I shouldn't judge.

The way I understand it settling is when you decide to be with someone you don't care much for...but you feel it's better than being single. So curious as to why you think you've settled if you're crazy in love with your B.F, just seems a little contradictory.

Settling is having a list of what s guy must have to be dateable then accepting a guy who only has a few of those things but is good enough. Not settling would be holding to your list despite there not being s guy who will ever meet all the items on it.

Most guys would prefer a thin woman, most settle for non thin one.

Love isn't based off lists of wants, love happens randomly. You could love a person who meets non of your requirements or even has few of your red flags. You might never love the idea dream person who meet all your requirements. I'm willing to bet most people who are happily in a relationship with someone they love settled.

The idea man or woman doesn't exist, society lied. One can either accept reality or stay bitterly alone forever.