Getting a Boyfriend is HARD!!

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I wrote a note, all I had was notebook paper, but I kept it short. I don't know if Jeff is still interested in me, it been a month without seeing me, being in the same room with me & a chance to talk to me. Things are not looking good, I been having serious doubts & its scaring me. The coffee house may open soon & I will see Jeff to see if things are different now.

I don't think he likes you.

Last edited by Kyle Katarn on 28 Feb 2016, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Have you handed him the note yet? If so, don't approach him for a while.

Yes, I concur. You can only place the ball in his court, you can't move it back for him. Let your intentions be known and let him decide what he wants. It may work out, it may not, but at least you'll know either way and that will provide a path forward. There's no use stressing in things you can't control.

Good news is that you're not hopeless or anything, obviously there was an interest there and if it doesn't work out you get more opportunities to try to make it to the next level with someone different. You've got a shyness issue though, and regardless of what happens, you need to work on opening up more around people that interest you. This is good, if there wasn't work to do that would mean you have no idea what's wrong-- but you do, so get on it!

Depends. I don't feel like I would ever want to do anything about that, and I don't have a single regret that I didn't work on it in my teens and 20s. I like it the way it was. That was me, and a highly verbal person that approaches girls easily wouldn't be me.

@smudge: I didn't see him yet, I want to rewrite the note, I already wrote it 4 times, I kept messing up. I put my email address in the note, if he emailed me, I hope I won't get a heart attack.


@Aristophanes: I did write in the note that I like him & I'm very shy & I have so much trouble talking to men, I do want to talk to him. At the coffee house, we kept looking at each other & giving eye contact too, I smiled at him, so I really think he knows that I like & interested in him.

i'm assuming it's hard because your having difficulty screening the guys that come to you

Getting sex isn't the same thing as getting a boyfriend.

No we have everything we ever desire or need handed to us on a silver platter, no difficulties in life whatsoever. Even females with conditions like autism/aspergers have no struggles whatsoever in life. But its a constant hell for guys none of them ever get a break.

I see guys post about difficulties a lot without anyone coming in to tell them they don't have any difficulties whatsoever based on their gender. I have certainly seen the 'you can't have difficulties because you're female' a lot more than I have seen anyone say 'it can't be hard for you because you're a male'.

Both females and males should be able to talk about difficulties without being invalidated...there's an idea. We're all people who struggle with autism/aspergers here for the most part, surely there is some common ground regardless of gender.

OK, I have to confess that I don't know the whole history of your interaction with this guy Jeff, but all I see here is that he works in a coffee shop where you go very often, and you have had some "small talk" conversations with him while at the coffee shop. Then, one day he spent time chatting with other customers there, and you thought he had lost interest in you.

Clearly, you can't judge anyone's personal interest in you by how long they talk to you while you are a customer in his or her business. Plenty of baristas, bartenders, people in small corner stores, etc. make conversation with customers on "slow days"--especially regular customers who make a habit of visiting their "establishment". As I'm assuming you know, this doesn't mean any personal interest even in friendship by itself, even if you feel like a friend because you see him or her every day (which is your doing--he doesn't really have a choice but to serve you if you go into the shop to buy something).

If you asked this guy if he wanted to hang out when he is NOT working at the coffee shop, and he didn't say yes, then unfortunately that doesn't bode well. It indicates that beyond the employee/customer relationship he probably doesn't want to interact with you. Though it's very possible I missed an earlier post or thread of yours where the two of you did do something together outside of his job.

Also, in my experience those relationships where you feel kind of like you have to "force" things tend to be an indication that the other person isn't into it. I've had friendships with girls where I had crushes on them, and whenever I tried to guide things in the direction of something romantic/sexual I felt that they weren't getting the "hint". I thought it might be my Asperger's making me a "bad flirt" or whatever, but later I inevitably found out that they never had been attracted in the first place as anything more than a friend.

What seems to have happened is that these girls, not wanting to "ruin" a friendship, had partly subconsciously ignored cues from me that I wanted more. On the other side, had I not been attracted and had I been rationally weighing the "data" like a scientist, I would have suspected their lack of interest much earlier.

In the cases where girls have been attracted to ME (and conversely, I wasn't attracted back in either of thee cases), the pattern has been totally different. In one case, with another aspie, on our first "date" (which wasn't even really a date in my mind), she started opening up about really emotional things. In the other case, at this party, from the moment I first saw this girl I immediately realized that I could hook up with her if I'd wanted, the interest was so strong. I even privately told my friend so much. In fact, I tried to gently push her away, and she got more persistent. Eventually I took her home--at least it was experience--but I don't know what she would have done if I'd left the party without her.

I didn't thought that he lost interested in me then.



You are wrong here if Jeff didn't want to serve me, he would have had one of his other coworkers to serve me even when he was busy doing something else & another person took my order, he came over later to me.



Jeff was interested in me, he was looking at me a lot & giving me eye contact. He was talking ALOT to other customers, but he wasn't talking to me, I felt left out. Someone on WP told me, he was nervous & another person told me, he was maybe shy. He did talk to me a little bit, maybe he got courage to talk to me when I wasn't at the coffee house for a couple days. The day before the coffee house got remodeled, I got courage to go up to the counter & talk to him, when I was leaving, I told him bye, he said it back.

for biostructure

QUOTED FOR TRUTH!!

THIS, people, THIS!! Read this!!

I had always told you, when a person is really attracted to you, you will know. It doesn't even need good nonverbal reading, even if you're aspie, you'll just know because it would be so f**** obvious.

not true for everyone

as a girl you have full-societal approval to be passive

Who needs approval to be passive? Anyone can be passive, and in doing so reduce their chances of finding a partner.