How can I be a supportive boyfriend?

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I'm a NT woman in a relationship (of sorts) with an Aspie male. To the OP I think if you showed your post to your GF she would see how v hard you are trying to understand and give her what she needs. That for me would be worth a million presents or bunches of flowers.
To other posters . . .yes it is difficult and problematic, but these relationships are not necessarily doomed. We "fall" for someone for a reason, if that feeling is strong enough most hurdles can be overcome. In my case, yes I often yearn for words of reassurance or love. However I appreciate the things my man does for me that shows he cares v much. It's a bit like shifting perspective. I come on this forum as it helps me to keep that perspective. For NT friends they have no understanding as to why I would like this man so much. They feel that "he's just not that into me"

The books are wrong. NTs are not be able to tell what Aspies feel because Aspies use different body gestures, and vice verse. That means that if I'm with a compatible person, I will know exactly what they are feeling even without asking. Therefore, I have the same advantage with somebody neurodiverse as you have with another NT, provided they have not learnt to compensate too well and hidden too much of their natural gestures.

That's why NDs overcompensating will destroy their chances with NTs and NDs alike. They will still be mediocre with NTs, and at the same time, they will not show enough with their natural gestures so will fail with NDs too. Add cultural ideas about how relationships are supposed to work, and you have a disaster.

What are you talking about?
Would another Aspie explain to me what he's talking about?

See, that last part there is what irks me. Even if you know that asking me how I was would just make my day you still would go out of your way NOT to do it. Nope, wouldn't work.

Maybe you could get her to read this book:22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome

http://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Love ... udy+simone

I recently read 22 Things A Woman With Asperger's Wants Her Partner To Know, which is the opposite book to the one above, and I can tell you I agreed with everything in it (I'm a woman, 40, in the process of being diagnosed). If the book I'm suggesting for your girlfriend is as accurate as the one I read, then it should go a long way towards helping you guys out. Also, just getting her to learn more about Asperger's in general will be helpful.

Another thing for YOU to look at is The 5 Love Languages. Different people perceive love in different ways, and the five love languages thing (Google it, you'll find the book and a whole bunch of other stuff) would probably help you guys out a lot. Do it together - you can learn about how to treat each other, how to show love and appreciation and respect in the 'language' that you each understand.

Best of luck xox

Exactly!! ! Well said! What would it hurt to do??? I have a natural dislike for small talk, yet CHOOSE to do it...because I am a mature adult that cares about the feelings of other people....not just for my own feelings. This is a great example of how a person can make a choice to do something small that is not of any huge inconvenience to be nice in a human way. As a healthy Aspie, I make such choices...and now, they come quite easily after practice.

Agreed.

Though your original post on the subject implies to me we never make the effort to learn of N.T.'s and how they work, which I think applies primarily to rdos, who has always been a strong advocate of the Neuro-diverse, rather than a few others here such as RetroGamer or myself.

I heard of all your failed aspie friendships because they didn't put in the effort, and I'm sorry that happened.

I agree with rdos,
Doing Smalltalk because it is expected of you is more for the work environment where you are around people who you don't really choose.
When it comes to relationships it is just far better to be on the same wavelength instead of constantly doing things that don't feel right

For the NT's imagine you find video games to be boring and pointless for example, what if your aspie boyfriend insisted you played a boring video game for twenty minutes each day or he got angry with you.

The OP's girlfriend gets angry at him when he doesn't do as she wishes.

I guess a NT could survive and make do with having to play the boring game every day but what if the NT girl found a man who was into Smalltalk instead?

"Do they teach about actual male/female relationships in those classes or is it just how NT's in general act?"

I took those classes in my early teen years and there is really no need to know anything about dating at that age. We mostly talked about stuff like the endless list of rules involved with conversation dynamics. Now that I actually am at an age where dating is a concern I have had to start learning a lot on the topic. Romantic relationships are crazy enough between neurotipicals, so I will let you imagine how hard it is for someone who has trouble doing small talk.

"Both should be learning about the other. I think it's a life-long process."

I agree. You need to understand though that anyone with autism who can pass as being normal most of the time has already had to learn a lot about interacting with neurotipicals, and even after learning everything it isn't easy to keep up the act.

"That's why I have no Aspie friends anymore. I tried to learn more about them, but it was not mutual and I had to end the friendships - it was just too draining."

With all due respect, that's how we feel most of the time. We don't really have the option of getting rid of neurotipicals in our life though because they make up the vast majority of the population. Also, I must again stress that even acting normal most of the time takes us a lot of learning and effort.

"For NT's, they have to change EVERYTHING if they want to have a relationship with an Aspie - eye contact, body language, reading between the lines, going out and being around people, asking for what we want, even SMALL TALK. If the Aspie isn't able to put up with something - like some small talk, or going out just to dinner sometimes, then your NT is going to get extremely depressed."

A lot of those are things that we can't really help, and we can't simply "get over it". I'm not saying that it isn't hard for neurotipicals, but it isn't easy for us either.

"Same with Aspie needing his 'alone' time."

To ask an aspie to stop having alone time would be like asking a neurotipical to stop socializing, we need it to stay sane. It takes a lot out of us to be social and being alone gives us a break from that where we can collect our thoughts, pursue our special interests and obsessions, stop worrying about communication, stop the neurotipical act we put on, and be ourselves. You can't expect us to give that up.

"See, that last part there is what irks me. Even if you know that asking me how I was would just make my day you still would go out of your way NOT to do it. Nope, wouldn't work."

That isn't why most of us do that. I have always just said something when I wasn't doing OK and to me waiting to be asked doesn't seem like a very good way of doing things. I assumed that everyone else was like that, and it was news to me when I heard that that was not the case. Even now there is a lot I don't know. How frequently should I ask? What's a good time to ask? Should I ask during of a conversation or out of the blue? What's so hard about just bringing it up yourself and why is this so important? I also don't have a very good working memory, so I may not remember to ask just as I often don't remember to get gas in my car or do my laundry until it's way overdue. Again, I'm not saying that it isn't hard for neurotipicals or that there are not some aspies who really don't care. I'm just giving you a second perspective.

Because the Aspie could have more great qualities but just suck in the small talk department.

I wouldn't mind going to a funeral with her. It's just that she wasn't clear on whether or not she wanted me to go. If you told me she wanted me to go I'd go.

But she didn't tell me and got mad when I didn't figure it out. True it was on a weekday and I'm not certain if my job's bereavement leave policy extends to girlfriend's friend's father

The thing that bothered me, is when she said she didn't expect me to go but she still wanted me to offer. Why would she want me to offer if she didn't actually want me to go? She wants me to offer so she can say no and she expects me to no that without her telling me. What kind of game is that? I like the sound of being a unit. I like the sound of going to parties and family gatherings together.

After all, she came to my families Easter BBQ. It took a lot of persuading. She didn't want to go because she was nervous to meet my family (though she's NT, she's a good deal more shy than I am).

She refused to come until the last minute. She said she felt "more energetic". I notice that either due to depression or irregular work hours she goes through phases where she has very low energy. (sometimes she works 12 per day, sometimes less, sometimes she has to get up at 4AM, other times she sleeps in but works until 11PM, sometimes both but with a gap of a few hours in the middle). This makes her irratable. I said she should get a 9 - 5 job. She says she wants to stick to her cleaning job because it's "easy" and "low stress". If that's the case than why does she often tell me how hard it is and how it's stressing her out? She said it's the easiest job she's ever had. She said her other jobs were horrible so maybe it's only the easiest job she's had in comparison to the others.

Anyway, her mother convinced her she should go. I hope she listens to her mother more often.

Sometimes when she talks about all she's done for me, I wonder if she's forgetting all I've done for her. I made major changes to my habits to keep the house clean but she says that's "expected". One time I ddid her a favour and she said I made no effort. She changed her mind when I said how much effort I put into it.I have. About five years ago I read a book called Asperger Meets GIrl by Jonathan Griffiths. I didn't understand much of it. Maybe I'd understand more of it now.Obsession is a good word for my fascination skinny Asian girls. I mean I'm attracted to skinny white girls as well but that's normal so I wouldn't call that an obsession.

GF is neither. She's a fat white girl. She knows I dated a Chinese girl in the past and she knows about my attempts to pick up Philippine girls. She knows that I like thin girls, at least she does now.

For our first few weeks of dating, she kept on talking about how she wants to lose weight. I said I wanted her to lose weight too and she was devastated. This confused me. I thought it would be fine because she'd already talked about how she wanted to lose weight. I was only echoing what she'd already said.

She said she felt like she'd been stabbed. She was crying. She said she thought I wasn't like other guys, that I didn't care about that. Then she said it was only natural since all guys prefer skinny women (not true, some like fat women but I think those guys are in the minority).

It happened again when she asked why I was trying to pick up that Philippine girl a few months before I met her. She asked why I was attracted to her. If she didn't want to know the answer she shouldn't have asked. I answered truthfully. I said because she was very thin and weighed only 42 KG.

More crying. she said I should have told her a white lie. This lead to a long discussion about how I don't really get white lies and I'm not very good at it. Part of the reason is because I don't know when it will be obvious. I was worried that if I said something too flattering it would sound phony and that she'd be able to tell I'm lying (later I tried laying the flattery on real thick so that it sounded really phony and obvious and she seemed to like it. Either she believed it or she didn't believe it but still appreciated the sentiment).

Eventually I convinced her to give up soft drinks and because of that she's gradually losing weight.Really? How does that work?

Anyway, I'm pretty sure GF has a fetish for Indian guys. Her longest relationship was with an Indian guy and she talks about Indian things a lot. And yet she doesn't like spicy food? She's missing out on the best part of Indian culture.Sure, I've thought about it, I've talked to her about it. She told me I'm forbidden to propose to her until I've known her for 2 years lol. After reading the introduction to The Five Love Languages, that said the "honeymoon phase" lasts for 2 years I decided to make it 3 years so there'll be a 1 year margin of error. After that I wouldn't mind marrying her. She said she was OK with a cheap wedding, only $5,000. I was shocked this was considered cheap.Two brief relationships but she's still inexperienced.Yes. Favourably. She says I'm a lot better than her previous boyfriends.

But she compares me unfavorably to her friends' boyfriends. Usually as a way to hint that she wants me to do or buy the same thing her friend's boyfriend did. That Chinese girl I used to date did the same thing.I knew all those Bollywood romance films she watches would be a bad idea.I willTrueShe has never said that. The Chinese girl used to say it in a very casual way but GF has never said it. She often calls me "best boyfriend ever" or other compliments but she's never said she loves me.If they're anything like the classes I took than yes, they have classes on relationships and they're terrible. They segregated into guys and girls. I don't know what they taught in the girls class but I found the guys class to be largely useless. It was all really obvious stuff like "Take a shower first, don't stick". I found it so patronizing.

The worst thing was they didn't teach anything at all about flirting or body language or how to tell if a girl is interested in you or how to show interest without blurting it out. They didn't teach any of the stuff aspies would actually need to know.

They had a thing on how aspie guys should join different clubs etc, where young women might hang out. That's find but if an aspie goes to one of those places without knowledge of flirting and body language than he would stay there for years without getting anywhere. If a girl ever liked him there, he'd never know it. Not if he followed the advice of this class.

From the two NT women teaching the class (both married), I got the impression that they knew nothing of courtship because they'd never courted anyone. They'd been courted. Their husbands courted them. At the very least they've never had the experience of being a guy asking a girl out.Worth a try. I just texted her the link. But really it's supposed to be about how I can accommodate her, not the other way around, maybe we can meet in the middle.I was looking at that before. I haven't read the whole thing. I could borrow my Mum's copy.

GF and I were discussing that book, we took the quiz. We determined that her language is gifts and mine is touch. I'm a real Klingon lol.[/quote]Wow, I should have started dating earlier. It would have been so much easier.

Well, it's a great inconvenience if the other person doesn't really need it. Both of you will be struggling with small talk for no good reason. That's why you need a good ND-radar, and the ability to only do small talk and other similar things when it has a point. Of course, if you then decide you don't want to do this in a relationship, you use your ND-radar in the partner selection process, and when during dating / getting to know your potential partner makes sure that you don't do small-talk.

Thus, it really comes down to your own choice if you want to do this or not.

I wouldn't decide not to do it, but I would forget to do it. The worst thing is having to remember to do certain things regularly, as this requires a lot of effort from me.

That's why they have cell phone apps and post-it notes.

Wow, I should have started dating earlier. It would have been so much easier.[/quote]

Dude, she doesn't know anything about your Aspieness. She either needs to learn or it will end in divorce.

Never mention weight.

She wanted you to offer to go to the funeral because it would have been an act of showing you cared. It's not a game we play, but she's going to have to know that this kind of thing won't be happening with you. It's an NT thing.

I hate cell phones, and I especially hate to be constantly reachable, so that wouldn't work for me. I also hate to schedule my time.