Romantic loneliness in men

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A person can feel lonely because of isolation, and although isolation is a part of being human so too is the desire to belong, I guess that taking responsibility for our internal reality would be more liberating than depending on other people to help us avoid it.

I don't think loneliness is always just a desire for acceptance, love, and validation. It is a feeling of emptiness that stems from missing out on the enjoyment of natural human companionship. Lack of companionship outside of romantic relationships is increasingly part of the modern world for older adults. I don't think the world in which we live is at all natural. Human beings are frail compared to other animals. We are wired to be together, despite technological advances that allow us to live apart.

^ There is a reduction in the social development opportunities available to recent generations like 'the whole village to raise a child' ethos is redundant and the living apart/lack of companionship experience is the new norm, except maybe within large organisations. I have often thought that the popularity of TV soaps is linked to the shift away from the community lifestyle, people still desire to chat about the local news, gossip etc except now it is simulated.

I don't know if my romantic success is linked to my upbringing or being who I am. Being on the spectrum play a role as does my personality.

I hardly had a conventional upbringing, it probably didn't help, but with a different person it might have been an advantage.

My sister is more successful in conventional terms.

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 09 May 2016, 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"Any loneliness I feel now pales in comparison to how lonely and inadequate I felt with the wrong person."

This sums up my feelings perfectly. Since my early teens I was either dating or in long term (5+ years) relationships. I was engaged, I bought a house with one partner, I planned children with another (something I'm very glad I didn't go through with). I always felt as though I should have found someone to share everything with and panicked when I was single for too long. None of the individuals I dated were compatible, although my last ex shared a few of my autistic traits (he believed he had undiagnosed autism) so things were a little easier. We didn't share much else though. I've always felt so depressed about the idea of staying single that I made too many compromises and settled for people I would never be happy with.

I'm now 30 and single once again and have stopped trying to find anyone. In all of my previous relationships, once the initial relief of not being alone started to wear off, I grew more and more miserable and felt trapped and restless by the end. Sometimes it took a few months, sometimes a few years. But I always ended up feeling just as bad as I had done being single. I resented being with someone that could never fully understand my way of thinking and vice versa, who wanted a different lifestyle, who filled the house with junk food and sat around watching TV for hours (I'm a bit of a health nut and very energetic), who had completely different interests and hobbies. All of those things I could compromise on at first, but when the initial honeymoon period wears off and logic kicks in they start to grate on you.

I finally met someone who ticked every single box a few years ago and it made me realise that at least one other human on the planet existed that I could stand to live with. But one person in thirty years means the odds of me finding anyone else compatible in my lifetime are very low and it makes better sense for me to focus on other things. So now I'm starting the process of learning to be happy single.

I worked in care homes for a few school summers when I was young and I saw people who were married with children get left isolated at the end of their lives. And others who remained single and child-free thriving on friendships with other single people. In the end, finding a partner didn't seem to make much difference.

Being single is a nice comfortable way to be when you have the comparison of a bad relationship, I think its a different frame of reference for people who have mostly been single though.

Unless you become comfortably numb...



I call it the hole in the head syndrome.

I often wonder if people get addicted to the dependence in relationships, and given the opportunity condition themselves to it.

For me, I simply can't see a relationship working unless it is a lower dependency type. This is no less committed or genuine however. I have learned the hard way the type of lifestyle keeps me sane and it would have to fit in with that.

I also wouldn't want my executive dysfunction to be a burden. That is my responsibility.

Plus I'm attracted to independence anyway. Not the fake independence with hangers on and delegates, but people who prefer to navigate with minimal intervention from others.

I am very lonely because I have no girlfriend and never had one.

A few points: 1. you don't need relationship status to get rid of loneliness, you merely need to find the right people to be around and 2. being lonely is preferential to being in a relationship where you feel "lonely", or so I've heard. Also, make better company for yourself and you won't be lonely-- find some interests.

I already have interests. I am very extremely active person. I am always out meet people and always never stop doing things. I am in many groups. I am still lonely there too because of communication barriers, in addition of my hearing loss makes it extra hurtful to my life.

I have severe low social connection and acceptance because when I am out people dont talk to me much. Even I dont have friends that invite me other thing interest groups. Spending your time on your own can lead to depression and anxiety severely because its too much spending time on your own and have no connection with people.

I tried aspie groups and it not even helping me because they are terribly aggressive and one side. ignoring and bullying me. They are so so rude people, very conservative people.

I need a girlfriend because its time spending together and talk to with and hang out with. That kills off your depression and anxiety where you spent too much time on your own. You need a balance between spending too much time on your own and spending too much time with people.

If you keep obsessing about getting a girlfriend, you'll never get a girlfriend.

Trust me....I've been through all that.

Just lead your active life. Romance will take care of itself, eventually (provided you don't seem desperate).

You can't know that. It could just as easily lead to never getting a partner.

If you become less desperate then at least you will feel better about it.

^^ QFT at least if you find workarounds

I don't know what to call this, but I think it's almost impossible for someone to find a potential partner when their reasons stem from neediness. Life is hard enough for everyone as it is, so many responsibilities and commitments, people can sense the neediness and they avoid the potential tank emptier, I'm quite sure it's a standard healthy human reaction.
I think that mostly the wrong opportunist type of person will be attracted to neediness, which will only lead to more loneliness and potential trauma for the person imbalanced by their desire for an external source to satisfy their basic human needs.

This is true: people are repelled by desperation.

I used to appear desperate when I was in my early 20s. I was rejected, sneered at, and treated like a pesky gnat.