Why is everyone here obsessed with attitude

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I think you're missing the point to a degree. I've quoted this because I like what you're saying here. Believing that you're good at something when you're not is simply a delusion and is unappealing, but that's not what a positive attitude actually is.

A negative person will say, "what's the point of learning to play the piano, I will never be any good" their negative attitude stops them before they even try.

A positive person will say, "I'm going to try and learn to play the piano. I might not be very good at first, but I'm going to practice and I'm going to try." their positive attitude helps them take a step towards doing something. They are realistic too. They know they will make mistakes along the way, but that doesn't stop them trying.

The problem comes in when attitude isn't what's holding you back. I've tried dating many times having a cautious "see where it goes" attitude and yet still have no success and every attempt I've made to improve the situation have had no effect. I have such a severe inability to connect with people emotionally outside of specific interests (And then not romantically) that the only stance I can reasonably take is that I have little chance of succeeding.

Attitude is not the be all, end all of dating and the people who say that you have to improve your attitude and keep trying are being patronizing and usually more than a little deluded in thinking that it's a matter of the law of averages. There are myriad factors involved and you can't even control most of them. ASD is a social disability, period. It affects your ability to interact with the people around you adding that extra layer of difficulty and just because some manage to overcome the odds it does not mean that everyone can. I just wish that people would accept that fact and not try to constantly argue the point like arrogant, egotistical babies.

We don't want to discourage the people who can find success. I don't want someone who is "able" to improve reading threads like this and feeling despondent and giving up.

And if you can't find success in dating, a positive attitude will help you make the most of your situation as a person who is single and you'll find contentment on your own.

Attitude can make a difference no matter what your abilities and circumstances are. Attitude can stop you falling into despair and giving up on life.

Last edited by hurtloam on 26 Jul 2016, 8:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's better to exude a neutral/positive attitude than it is to come across negatively.

I don't necessarily associate negativity with "truth," nor do I necessarily associate positivity with "rose colored glasses."

I couldn't agree more

No one is saying that having a positive attitude can't help you in some areas of life. That is very much true. What I'm saying is that people need to stop throwing out the "get a better attitude" claim all the time and actually take a look at an individual's situation before giving advice.

As far as not discouraging people again there are ways to not discourage while still being realistic that have nothing to do with the attitude argument. While we don't want to discourage, we don't want to give false hope either.

Nest, I agree.

I think when people on here say "improve your attitude" they mean, please stop creating post after post of complaing and blaming everyone else for your problems.

Some posters attitude problems really show through in what they post.

What do you mean by that? I know the definition of "cognitive dissonance", but how exactly does it relate to my situation?

"Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance etc"

You've altered your beliefs because of not being able to find a happy relationship. Your friends seem trapped to you so you've latched on to that as a good reason not to have a relationship. You've turned can't into won't.

Look, saying that Asperger's isn't going to have any bearing on your love-life is silly. Asperger's is characterised by an underdeveloped social intuition, so to believe that it isn't going to factor is simply erroneous.

That being said, it's far from impossible for someone with Asperger's/Autism to find themselves in a long-term relationship. If the OP's stats are true, 40% of guys on the spectrum do at some stage. Whilst not as good odds as NTs, a 2/5 chance is hardly a long-shot. I guess it's largely going to come down to whether you'd prefer these stats to dictate your fate, or whether you're going to try and find love in spite of them.

As for the attitude vs experience discussion, the two go hand in hand. Yes, a bad experience can generate a negative attitude, but a negative attitude can sabotage good or neutral experiences.

Take for example a man who has never felt attractive to a woman in his whole life. Lacking experiences that others have had will probably take a toll on his attitude. Leave him feeling lonely/romantically isolated long enough and he will start to believe it's completely impossible for anyone to show any interest in him. His (lack of) experience has had a negative impact on his attitude.

So if the cute cashier at the mall decides to start flirting with this lonely man, if he even picks up on it at all, he will probably examine every possible scenario in which this cashier is just being friendly/wants to use him/has any intention other than becoming his love interest, because his belief that he is unworthy is so strong that he finds the idea of someone actually being interested in him unfathomable, so his disbelief in his ability to attract women costs him a potential romantic experience. His attitude has a direct impact on his experience.

So how does one break a cycle like this? My best guess is reaching a place where you genuinely feel you're a good prospective romantic partner, whatever that might entail. If you're failing in the area of love, deep down, you probably have some idea why that is. I guess the only way to overcome your obstacles is to tackle them head-on. Identify what will bring you closer to self-acceptance, and strive towards achieving that.

I can't say I've had a lot of success with love, but that lack of success has given me plenty of time to ponder the subject, and what I'm saying here makes perfect sense to me.

@inquisitor: it sounds like you came out of your situation of self-doubt with a renewed and strengthened approach to life despite all the negative input you received. kudos to you

the path to contentment (the word "happiness" in this context is too loaded, i prefer to avoid it) is different for everyone. even the possible path to an eventual relationship is different for everyone

i had never even touched a girl in any sexual or romantic way until about a year ago (yes, i am 31). ironically, what eventually led to that relationship was specifically the fact that i had come to terms with the possibility of never meeting someone i could be special to (not just "realizing" it, but coming to terms with it. it takes a lot of time and resoluteness. it's not a passive thing). i wouldn't have even met her otherwise, let alone been attractive to her

by now the relationship is over. i am definitely more confident for the experience i've had, and ideally i would meet somebody else eventually. but i won't let this get to my head. i may not meet anyone again ever, and i'm okay with that and don't want to change this thought. because regardless of whatever concrete outcome this will bring me, i'm happier this way. and ironically, as a fortunate side effect, i believe it still does increase my chances of having another meaningful relationship eventually

some people will benefit from going out on lots of dates and meeting lots of people and constantly "putting themselves out there" and whatnot. some people won't. no amount of advice in the world will help you if you don't even figure out for yourself which advice is helpful to you and which is not. and nobody other than yourself can determine that for you, because only you know how you experience things

listen, think, try, reflect, talk, listen, think, try, reflect, talk. know your limitations, but, once you know them, think of what you have, not what you lack. the knowledge of your limitations is meant to narrow down where to look for answers, not to broaden where to look for disappointment. it's meant to make things simpler

This is very true. Also another fact is there is a lot of prejudice and discrimination against people on the autistic spectrum. But mostly discrimination. This includes not just personal stuff like socialising and love and dating but also professionally like getting a job. I am so sick of being judged by allistics just because I am different than others. I get told 'Don't be so anti-social!' but in the past when I was at school I got singled out because I was an aspie. I can't trust NTs because of faking to be my friend and allistic blokes can get the wrong idea about me. I am very happy with my aspie boyfriend and I think he is a great match for me. But still life will never change.

Because of depressive thinking & the aspie need for a logical explanation.

But Alex is right, many aspies are successful in LTR's because of a positive attitude.

When I had a negative attitude I knew damned well I wasn't relationship material and avoided dating like the plaque so as not to bring anyone down with me. I've been a pretty happy, balanced, positive dude for the last ~4 years & have been open to the possibility of dating someone now that I feel I'm in a state of being that can contribute positively to someone else' life. I've lived both situations and "get" both. I'm still not in a LTR, but, maybe someday.

Women don't find Asperger's unattractive. Granted the traits make dating difficult at pretty much every stage, but I know NT women married to guys with Aspergers, so LTR's are doable.

Besides which different people are attracted to different things. I find aspie traits attractive, I did pre and post my own diagnosis.

I think most people of any gender find any disability of any sort to be unattractive so it is more than just the traits that make it difficult on our parts. If you look up what people say it seems more would prefer a somebody with a physical disability than one that is cognitive/mental. I think if you mention Autism or Aspergers to most women tho that they'll run for the hills, men are perhaps a bit more forgiving in this regard as they are more physical in their attraction but there is plenty of discrimination all around.

It is true tho that people find different things attractive and there are people out there, we just have a lot fewer options and they're a lot harder to find. I suppose attitude matters but I think it's more of overcoming a learned helplessness kind of thing. If I have a poor attitude, if my self esteem is low, if I lack confidence then it's because of the experiences I have had in life because you're not born that way or at least I wasn't. That developed later once social failure and ostracization started. You'll never succeed if you don't try but it's all easier said than done as you're fighting against your body and your brain.