When is it appropriate to approach someone you don't know?

Post Reply New Topic

Perhaps 20 years ago it would have been, but approaching young women for romantic or sexual purposes has somewhat been demonized today.

I can't provide 'scientific evidence' for this, but I know and I see it in other males who now feel unable to approach because they feel it is rude and inappropriate to do so and will only make her angry or uncomfortable.

They want to just work out at the gym in peace.
They want to just jog in peace.
They want to hang out with their girlfriends at the bar in peace.
They want to shop and go about their lives in the streets in peace.
They want to work in peace.
They want to lie in the sun at the beach or swim in peace.
They want to hang out with their friends at the party in peace.
They want to study in peace.
They want to read or browse the internet on their phone in the coffee place in peace.
They want to browse books at the library/bookstore in peace.
They want to ride the bus/train in peace.
They want to go to meetup groups to make friends in peace.
They want to just relax and chill-out in the hotel lobby/lounge in peace.
They want to chill in the university dorm common room in peace.
They want to hang out with friends at the concert in peace.
They want to take a class and learn in peace.
They want to use their phone/listen to music with their earphones in ANY other situation in peace.

They want to do all of these things without some random man approaching her out of the blue, bothering her and wasting her time.

Anagram, young men can't be too selfless in crossing potential places to approach off the list and can't always listen to women, otherwise there will be nowhere left on the list.

In a variety of forums and social media in many places all over the internet including here, Reddit, Facebook, StraightDopeForum, CityData, Bodybuilding.com Miscellanous section, etc. at least 2 days a week since at least 2014, I have seen every single location I just listed criticized by at least 3-5 young girls or woman and at least 3-5 stating they DO NOT under almost any circumstances, including if she is attracted to him, want to be approached in these places.

In theory, I agree with Boo's idea that if men were to give-up approaching and having to take risk because so many women are different and put the ball in their court, perhaps things would be better.

But I simply don't believe it ever could or will happen - men are just too hørny to ever stop pursuing women and even if all men globally stopped, they wouldn't last long.

the trends and statistics keep evolving, but if you're not in the middle of the bell curve, the general rule may apply to you, but it may as well not apply to you at all

no matter the odds, i think it still largely boils down to approachability. people often approach me in public places when i least expect. old ladies ask me for me help at the grocery store. middle-aged men start conversations with me at the bank. young women ask me for directions when i barely even know the place myself. don't ask me why. i don't know it either. i always have the impression that i'm giving off a zany vibe, so i'd think people would avoid me instead. i just know that they do approach me, and they're always friendly. likewise, if i'm the one who approaches them instead, their response is generally just as friendly

i think what the grim anecdotal odds say is that it's harder to be approachable in a wider variety of situations nowadays than it used to be. people will be scared by tiny little details that they wouldn't have been in previous times. but if they don't see any of those internalized "warning signs" in you, they probably won't mind being approached in most situations

^^ You are lumping everything together, like a stew.

Approaching for asking for directions, time, help ....is one thing; while approaching with the intent to get to know him/her and get someone's number or social media is entirely different thing.

And old women really really don't count, usually there's no risk of unwanted asking out between old women and young men - they know you won't attempt to ask them out hence why they're more comfortable to chat with you.

While a woman of your age who doesn't find you attractive, doesn't want to give you the wrong impression by chatting with you much (just for the sake of chatting and not dating) so you end up trying to ask her out.

She also gets worried that you may get the wrong idea if she replies to your approach in an over friendly you, that's why when a woman doesn't find you attractive or she's not available then she may respond in one-word thing and not so over friendly - because she doesn't want you to attempt asking her out in the first place.

i'm very aware that there is a difference. but people here are lumping those things together already. and after all, the original question (in the title) actually was very generic

in the end i think this actually is the core of the question anyway. if you're going to approach anyone in an ordinary situation, then it has to be in an ordinary capacity. if you're not content enough with that, then, unless you want to be a pua, simply don't do it. because people notice it, and then you get unfriendly responses. it makes people feel objectified, and that's never pleasant in a social situation

the most sure-fire way to end up stuck forever in the friend zone (that is, if you're lucky) is being desperate not to be there

okay, i apologize for my part on the escalation here. i just really don't have patience with this kind of repetitive negativism. i grew up surrounded by this kind of thing, it's suffocating

Rules are meant to be broken by those who can afford it, as well as to be ruthlessly enforced on those who can't.

SHORT VERSION AT THE BOTTOM:

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

It is society that beats the optimism and positivity out of people. People who try to fight the good fight are beaten, robbed, arrested and murdered.

For example, I support Anonymous, and some members are brave enough to commit Hacktivism, yet there have been plenty of cases of Anonymous members being arrested.

There's plenty of stories now and historically of those committing activism non-violently who have been arrested and charged with a variety of crimes.

They are arrested for bravery, heroism and positively trying to make the world a better place through non-violent resistance.

Some of the most dedicated activists in history have spent many a time in prison - Mandela, Ghandi, etc.

Don't blame us because we are actually realistic and, ironically, considerate enough to look out for the foolhardy optimists among us.

If we were in a rebel group, my kind would be the one's accepting we are overpowered and the odds are against us, and thinking of smart guerilla tactics that may be mentally and physically draining but worthwhile, while the over-optimists recklessly rush the enemy without thinking before they act.

Just as I'm not trying to be negative, but realistically accept approaching women is difficult and, earlier in the thread, suggested tactical methods to approach women.

Here's to doing things 'differently' right and 'breaking the mold' like the optimists?

I didn't mention PUA as a viable technique.

I was just making a metaphor, that if you were to hunt for rabbits, is it better to ask what the hunter would do, or to ask a rabbit what to do?

Just as men typically do the approaching, so they know what being the approacher is actually like, so it's best to ask them for advice, rather than women who rarely approach.

PUA was just an example of a technique the man, or 'hunter' could give, and I was just saying I'd rather ask men who have evidence of having successfully approached women and gotten numbers rather than heterosexual women who would have rarely/never approached other women or men.

I was also stating though I may listen to the hunter's advice, in some cases the advice being PUA, that doesn't mean I'd use all of the hunter's techniques but also my own, but I would not consider the man's advice non-credible.

And why are you calling anyone here 'desperate'?

I'm all for the approaching women relaxed and casually idea, but it can still be reacted with rudeness, and I've read of some women still feeling 'unsafe' and 'threatened' that in broad daylight, in an open, public space with plenty of people, a man has approached them.

The worst he could get away with is some sneaky sexual harassment, and even then she could simply slap him across the face and bring attention to herself and call for help, and unlike a man in danger, a woman crying for help in public will get every man, woman and child in the vicinity rushing to her aid.

Even if he were to, say, sneakily pull a gun on her through his jacket, someone would more than likely still notice and call the police or try to stop the kidnapper.

Every other possible threat the man could be is moot because there is simply far too many people and it's too bright for him to pose any risk.

Yet some women still feel scared or uncomfortable when a man politely says hi and approaches her safely.

There was a thread I saw a while ago that said a guy asked a woman for a photo of her cosplaying at a cosplay convention, where this is considered very normal and socially acceptable, and she reported him to security.

If anything, Boo is the opposite of 'desperate' - multiple times he discourages men from approaching.

Our views anagram aren't actually that different.

It ticks me off when he says it too - I encourage males to learn to approach as much as possible, actually.

Some people have to cold approach to meet ANYONE at all.

My 'negativity' is just me trying to say how difficult it is, but you should disregard what some women say and still do it anyway.

I'm agreeing with others here that most women just want men to 'mind their own damn business', but some women are too unreasonable and pretty much don't want to be approached anywhere, but approach almost everywhere anyway for the minority that would LOVE it.

That's some realistic optimism (and a bit of douchiness too).

SHORT VERSION:

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm trying to be realistic.

Blind Optimism can be silly and foolish.

'Breaking the mold' and being unconventional like you say can, in some cases, be far too risky.

Sometimes smart and tactical thinking is the best way to go.

Our views, Anagram, are not very different at all.

I advocate approaching women and encourage it fully. It's just I accept the difficulty of the situation and that the odds are stacked against us, so I suggest men think tactically and smart.

It also ticks me off when Boo says to never approach women - how would some people meet anyone?

Stastically, most people meet their S.O. through mutual friends, but not everyone HAS mutual friends, or ANY friends at all for that matter.

Not everyone actually likes online dating, and it is stastically only about 1% of people met their S.O. this way.

Anyway, I also encourage men to disregard and what women say sometimes, because some women can be so unreasonable and don't seem to want to be approached anywhere. I suggest doing so anyway for the minority that would LOVE it.

That's some realistic optimism (and just a dash of douchiness thrown into the mix as well).

The repetitive negativism is the reason why I only skimmed these four pages. I even cringe when I see words like "desperate" being used frequently. That just sounds like name-calling. In fact, the only times I ever succeeded in life was when I became desperate - willing to try anything, in other words. I remember entering this discussion a week ago upon joining this website, and my input today has not changed. A person's ability to approach strangers and get dates is directly proportional to the amount of practice he or she has had at basic social skill. Meeting strangers of any type, not just mates. Practice the skill of striking up a conversation, or creating an opening for them to. In a way, I almost wish the negative people would keep on, and stay on the side-lines, because it essentially means more exposure for those of us who do put ourselves out there. Not only am I against the reclusive themes being repeated here, I'm especially against trying to spread that advice to others who might want to work on this. I will fight that every time I see it.

I talk to girls all the time, whether I know them or not. And just like anyone else, I didn't feel comfortable the first few years of doing this - and the women got understandably uncomfortable as well. The tunnel vision of embarrassment this can cause is one of the worst feelings on Earth, and only the most stalwart of people can keep trying long enough to overcome it. The more you do it, the less severe the humiliation. The inadequacy. The shame - all of it mitigates with time and practice. And don't go thinking women are exempt from this. Why do you think it's rare for a woman to approach you? She doesn't want to feel that either. A lot of times they like you too, and are too shy to approach. If they go silent or stand-offish when you approach them, just walk away and try someone else. Are you interested in seeing improvement here? Good. Otherwise, there's no need to come here and convince other people to become reclusive. Just like anagram said - it's suffocating.

This whole "leave them be" mentality sounds like something my mother and grandmother would say, and they never got me one single date. If you do as the frat stars tell you, and "let them come to you," you'd better bring a book, because you're going to be there for a while. And it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It just means you lack practice, and you're not going to get it by sitting there. Consider you are practicing the same skill whether you are getting a woman's phone number, meeting students on a first day at class, or playing checkers with an elderly person. Do you know what it means when a person well-seasoned in social skill tells you to "let them come to you?" It actually implies a couple of things they take for granted: 1, that you are already chatting with multiple people, strangers or not, which increases your odds of being approached. 2, that you have a lot of friends, which also increases your chances of being approached. The more people know you, the more word will get around. These two criteria were never the case with me, and even today it's difficult for me to make friends. But it's not because I approach strangers - it's because my brain doesn't follow social norms the way the majority of them do.

Take care of those two criteria before taking that advice, otherwise, get ready to do some foot work. And probably don't go around a beach approaching women unless you are there all the time, and the setting is your comfort zone, preferably if a lot of people there know you - otherwise, yes, it can be quite creepy. A stranger of any gender or age can tell right away when something isn't right, and stepping too far out of your comfort zone is a great way to set off this red flag. This is why I didn't even watch the beach video a couple pages back. My comfort zone is a non-crowded bar during happy hour. It's daylight. The drinks are cheap. It's not a drunken revelry scene like a frat party or a concert. In other words, it's a calm environment and my Aspie brain loves that. The bartenders at Applebees all know me, and I'm not even interested in dating anyone. I keep practicing my social skill for other reasons than getting dates, and so should each of the naysayers on this thread.

Nothing bad ever happened to me for approaching girls, stranger or not. I have yet to be arrested, I have yet to be beat up. The only beating up that went on was inside of my own head, and I've zapped most of that out of me to the point that even the alien at the top of this forum will probably tell you to do the same.

I see leaving women alone as a moral duty. If it's not good for me, tough s**t.

Well.. I see voting for Trump as a moral duty. If it's not good for me, tough cookies.
Trust me, you do not want me to expand on this post.