there is not someone for everyone

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The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Feb 2017, 4:15 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
One man and four women is not a statistically significant sample size.


I know, but coming from someone who is way more experienced and older (probably was even way more experienced when he was my age).... his words did impact me somehow.



dtoxic2
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08 Feb 2017, 8:28 pm

The "someone for everyone" phrase is obviously a played-out cliche.
That said, there are realistic ways to see the game and get in it.
I'm 46. I have tried everything (except suicide), including online dating, meeting people in person, giving up for long stretches, ranting bitterly on the internet, drinking, sobriety, working on myself, giving up again.
Here's what I found:
The universe does not care. You will NEVER be rewarded for bitterness or giving up.
If you try, against the long odds that aspies have, you can succeed, but probably not very often or very quickly.
Persistence is the only thing that has a chance of working.
I got my first gf at 38 - eight years ago. Met her on a dating site so small the odds of anybody connecting were astronomical. But we did, and we hung out for 8 months or so.
In terms of numbers, I was roughly 0 for 300 trying to get a date/laid/a gf. She made it 1 for 301.
Eight years after that significant victory, I am 3 for 400. Second gf was a fan of my artwork, we lasted a year and are still friends. Third gf was a friend of a friend met through informal musical jam sessions. She just dumped me recently but the sex was real good for a while there.
At the ages of some of the posters in this thread (18, 25, etc.) I was still a virgin and had little hope of changing that. But I did. Just get realistic about the task, the time, and the rejection numbers.
The best advice I can offer is to persevere, and to spend significant time and effort on yourself and your own interests, in order to have skills and be a more interesting and worthwhile person to meet and date.



solo
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08 Feb 2017, 9:44 pm

I don't try at all because I don't feel that I am worthy and don't want to put myself through more pain when she realizes that I am not like most people. I'm a 30 yr old virg who still lives at home ( one more year) hermit who works more in one week than most do in 2. Hard core into my hobby and think a lot differently than most that it's not worth explaining because I am not like 90% of my age group. Though I will help anyone that hasn't screwed me over and really care about others over myself. I'm fit, no debt, hunched over spine (genetic) but can hide it for the most part but can never ride a motorcycle or go swimming ( too embarassing). Really shy, I don't like myself

I don't believe that there is someone for everyone. I want to meet someone and think about it every day but by the time I say "I still live at home" they will be gone. I am a hopeless romantic trapped in a weird hermit body. I see life in astounding amazement like you would if you were high and having your mind blown. Hard to explain. I regret my life and wish I could do it all over again. A relationship would help me realize that maybe I am worth something and would complete me but I think I am too far gone unless I meet someone here. I'm 30 and women expect me to have known what to do for 20 years now. I haven't had a hug from a women in over 10 years and only kissed one girl over a decade ago. I don't even know what to do or how to do it and it really hurts and scares me. And I want to live very long but I doubt it.



HouseOfMadpeak
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08 Feb 2017, 10:52 pm

Focusing on improving yourself can make a big difference. Some people give a desperate feeling because they want to find a relationship with such intensity. If you focus on improving yourself then it takes some of that energy away.

Improving social skills, if your area has resources. Or maybe search for online resources. Professionals are good for helping people learn these skills. Some areas have autism meet ups as well. Learning by being around people who can understand could help improve social skills.

Improving physical appearance through diet and exercise. Or even things like personal grooming and clothing. Putting effort makes a big difference. Look clean, and well kept. Take care of your skin and hair. This works for both men and women.

Some people's (most?) standards are much too high for their level. If you're not attractive/fit, or have money/power, then why expect a person of high attractiveness to like you? Especially if you are only viewing them for their looks. Humans are shallow, it is pretty well known that looks matter. If you don't have looks (and you don't attract beautiful people), then go for someone more realistic for you.

Having low self esteem always hurts your chances, but so does being hateful and bitter. Especially when they hate the sex they want to date and lash out, or attack people online. That's never attractive.

Of course it is true that not everyone who wants to have a relationship will have one. And in the past a lot of people didn't have relationships either. If you were unattractive and/or poor then you would probably never get married.

With the internet it is just far easier to see how many single (and sad about it) people there are. But it is also easier to find people to relate to. The current dating culture isn't really one for long term or monogamous relationships. Many people want to focus on themselves and enjoy meeting a lot of people. People seem to be in high supply, and dating is like shopping for a commodity. It feels like it is very easy to meet someone else, someone who could be better.

It's somewhat gross, but it makes sense for people to place a lower value on something that seems to be in high supply. Everyone seems to want to date "up," even if they don't have the ability. It feels like there is a surplus of beautiful people because that's who we choose to look for.

Ratios of men to women doesn't say everything when there are people who are gay, bi-sexual, polyamorous, asexual, etc. Different countries have different ratios as well due to war, health, preference for babies of a specific gender. Apparently Russia and Ukraine have high ratios of women to men, and China has a high ratio of men to women.

If the original poster thinks they have many flaws, they could still be able to find a person with the same flaws who also wants love and can't find it. Most people date people who match them (wealth, level of attractiveness, level of fitness, etc). We just have to be realistic.



Chronos
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08 Feb 2017, 10:55 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ I have no idea where to seek such stats.

but from a mere observation of people of my age, it is so obvious they're the minority.

That must mean single women your age are in the minority.

People keep telling me to just get out there are meet people, so I do. And I find women my age who are not single.

By 30 most of them have paired up.


I'm single now and I was when I was 30.



Chronos
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08 Feb 2017, 10:57 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
^ Yep. Just wait 'till you're 80 years old and then you can spend your last 2 or 3 years with another octogenarian.

It will be worth the wait. I promise.
Image


My grandmother died when she was 74 and my grandfather eventually met a very nice woman about his age and they dated until he died when he was in his 90's. They really enjoyed being with each other.

My grandfather was very socially adept though.



314pe
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09 Feb 2017, 3:52 am

HouseOfMadpeak wrote:
Some people's (most?) standards are much too high for their level. If you're not attractive/fit, or have money/power, then why expect a person of high attractiveness to like you? Especially if you are only viewing them for their looks. Humans are shallow, it is pretty well known that looks matter. If you don't have looks (and you don't attract beautiful people), then go for someone more realistic for you.

It's somewhat gross, but it makes sense for people to place a lower value on something that seems to be in high supply. Everyone seems to want to date "up," even if they don't have the ability. It feels like there is a surplus of beautiful people because that's who we choose to look for.

This is true. Most have very specific ideal love partner in their minds. There's very few truly dateless people on L&D and most posters complain that their dates don't meet their standards.



Shahunshah
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09 Feb 2017, 4:13 am

androbot01 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
A man of 65 years old who got married and divorced 3 times and now currently married the 4th time told me that there's no real love, that it's all illusion- and that the truest love only is parent to children and not even vice versa.

How...sad if this is true.

Of course it's true. It is so sickening to me to watch everyone playing characters as if they were in Shakespeare when reality slips them by.
For God's sake Androbot. A few individual experiences do not define the world around you.

I have felt love myself, from my family, friends all these people have helped me. I have seen them be distressed and upset when they know things aren't going well for me and I have seen them show immense empathy. How can you say it doesn't



RetroGamer87
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09 Feb 2017, 4:14 am

Chronos wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ I have no idea where to seek such stats.

but from a mere observation of people of my age, it is so obvious they're the minority.
That must mean single women your age are in the minority.

People keep telling me to just get out there are meet people, so I do. And I find women my age who are not single.

By 30 most of them have paired up.
I'm single now and I was when I was 30.
Of course there are some exceptions.


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auntblabby
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09 Feb 2017, 5:13 am

late in life, in the autumn of my years, too late for me to be physically up to the challenge, another aspie fell into my lap, from WP, but despite the fact that we were both on the spectrum, we were so incompatible that it fell apart. that taught me that I am just not up to the task of being mate-material. just as well, I need to be working on my next life now. in a future, better lifetime I will be successful and married to somebody compatible, and have two good kids. I must hold on until then.



Shahunshah
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09 Feb 2017, 5:17 am

auntblabby wrote:
late in life, in the autumn of my years, too late for me to be physically up to the challenge, another aspie fell into my lap, from WP, but despite the fact that we were both on the spectrum, we were so incompatible that it fell apart. that taught me that I am just not up to the task of being mate-material. just as well, I need to be working on my next life now. in a future, better lifetime I will be successful and married to somebody compatible, and have two good kids. I must hold on until then.
You seem like a really nice, experienced person Auntblubby. I think you were struck hard but I have no doubt had you been born today you would have done well.



auntblabby
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09 Feb 2017, 5:35 am

Shahunshah wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
late in life, in the autumn of my years, too late for me to be physically up to the challenge, another aspie fell into my lap, from WP, but despite the fact that we were both on the spectrum, we were so incompatible that it fell apart. that taught me that I am just not up to the task of being mate-material. just as well, I need to be working on my next life now. in a future, better lifetime I will be successful and married to somebody compatible, and have two good kids. I must hold on until then.
You seem like a really nice, experienced person Auntblubby. I think you were struck hard but I have no doubt had you been born today you would have done well.

thank you :flower: I was prolly born 10 years too late or 10 years too soon, I was born at the wrong time.



androbot01
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09 Feb 2017, 8:44 am

Shahunshah wrote:
For God's sake Androbot. A few individual experiences do not define the world around you.

My view is not only based on my own experience, but also on observation. Love is a human creation which describes infatuation, empathy, sympathy, concern and lots of other things. But the idea of love as a lifelong bond is just not workable. It is a myth used to lure people into marriage which was a foundation of our society.



Moondancer
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09 Feb 2017, 9:53 am

I believe there is someone for everyone. I've been single 13 years, never dated in that time either, yet I still hold that belief, it's an incredibly powerful belief because I'm pretty much happy alone, where as before I once believed that there was nobody for me and I was grossly miserable. So faith does have its good points. So I fathomed faith was the way to go. Now I sometimes waver in that faith, and when I do I become miserable. And when I'm miserable I know I've strayed off path and it calls for more faith. The happier I am, the more attractive I seem to be to others,.

Use the force luke, and when the time is right.... that's my motto



WantToHaveALife
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09 Feb 2017, 11:54 am

ya its why i've always had resentment towards the gender role that guys have to be the initiators



Shahunshah
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09 Feb 2017, 1:40 pm

androbot01 wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
For God's sake Androbot. A few individual experiences do not define the world around you.

My view is not only based on my own experience, but also on observation. Love is a human creation which describes infatuation, empathy, sympathy, concern and lots of other things. But the idea of love as a lifelong bond is just not workable. It is a myth used to lure people into marriage which was a foundation of our society.
Love seems to be something we ignore in our daily life till we are confronted with situations.

Now I want you to imagine someone close to you or was close to you in pain or gone. If what you feel is pain than tell me how do you not have love or empathy?