how much abuse is too much?

Post Reply New Topic

don't leave a poor defenseless Quattro with anybody you don't trust. Let him at some blasted Kia or whatever.

If Seaweed's bored enough though I was born in California, I can send instructions to steal one's own car.

Your perception might be influenced by the environment you've been in for 4 years, but if you can connect with your gut feeling it could help you to make the right decisions especially when things get confusing during the break up.
It's good to make an exit plan and think through the possibilities, but don't fall into over analysing, it could lead to confusion and doubting your decision.
Sometimes with bad decisions we have to cut our losses, take what you need, your valuables, paperwork and your sentimental objects and leave while he isn't at home. He has put you through enough abuse, don't give him another opportunity... as a first step care for yourself enough to not put yourself in harms way.

I think this all starts with believing (even if you don't feel it) your real worth as a person, knowing that your emotions are not a reliable guide atm (perception) and thinking logically will help you to get to a place where you can start to grow into Seaweed as she is meant to be, be strong

Well... I'm having trouble making that point clear, so I'm going to steer this away from my relationship after this post. I suppose I can identify with the guy is what I'm trying to say, because I like getting my way and can be pushy without realizing what I'm doing. I need her to tell me if I'm going too far with things, and we have an understanding that I will almost always defer to her better judgment. Being the head of the household just means all decisions and responsibilities rest on my shoulders alone. Everyone else gets the credit when things are going right, and I take all the blame when something or someone screws up. As such, if my wife and I are at an impasse on something, I get the displeasure of breaking it or shooting some other decision I disagree with down. No guy wants to be miserable at home, and when we reach these points from time to time, it makes everyone at home unhappy. So another role I have as THE man is to do everything I can to make sure it never comes to that--meaning I actually LISTEN to what she has to say and take care of problems early while they're still minor enough that we don't have to come to blows (no, NOT literally) over them.

Where I step in in a big way has to do with people or things that have a negative influence on us and our family, anything that is morally objectionable, thoughtless/careless spending, and things like that. Before we got married, I told her if this wasn't what she signed up for, we need to say our goodbyes and move on.

That's all I'm going say, and already it's too much. I feel like this is a lot of the thought process of your guy, except maybe he wants his way for his own sake. You're merely an ornament in his life, not a living, feeling part of him. My wife is a person, and my first thought with some decisions is, "she's really gonna hate this..." His first thought is...well, there's not one. If he doesn't like it, he can just hit you.

And that's just too much. More women than not would probably divorce me because I DO assert myself (and, I should add, my wife has told me before she expects me to "man up." We're both old-fashioned like that). If so many women would dump their husbands for less than me, there should be ZERO tolerance for getting physical when you're just dating.

If you get nothing else out of my posts, and I'm done with writing "essays" here, get this: Get your things and GET OUT. First chance you get. If you need to, call law enforcement and give them a heads up on what's going on. Explain you aren't pressing charges (though you probably could) and all you want is to get your personal belongings, clothes, etc. They might send a police officer or deputy sheriff. You can use your car just long enough to transport your things to a new place and hand it back over...or not...and just use your bike if you want. But I'd say by slapping you around I think he's forfeited the right to any of your graces. Get law involved just to "keep the peace" and you won't have to worry about trying to get your keys back.

Given that you know welding I wager you can squeeze a LOT more speed out of your Audi than you'd guess. You could also weld your car a parking boot if he won't give it back.

Not sure about the availability of a hitch but your Audi should actually have a tow capacity of at least 3000 pounds.

As a first step care for yourself enough to not put yourself in harms way.

I'm by no means a psychologist, but from even the scant reading I've done I can easily diagnose this as an abusive relationship. I know from experience as my mother was abused for years by a man who had alternating episodes of love and affection that whatever "good" an abuser may display towards his victim is just a token, a very cheap gesture to almost exculpate and vindicate his innocence and "normalcy". By all means, just because there is no such thing as dichotomous black and wide and thus people are shades of grey with intermixing of good and bad facets doesn't mean a person can't be holistically appraised for the ratio of good:bad he/she possesses, and if in the shade of grey there is more bad than good then a decision must be made that effectively rectifies the issue: either the person can be reformed, or if the situation is irreparable and the person incorrigible then absolving oneself and fleeing while you can from this abusive relationship is my honest advice.

thank you. you have explained what you know very well

Honestly I wish I never knew any of this, as the damage and scars that have seared my mother and taught me these basic precepts nobody should experience. My family is Middle Eastern, and yes sadly all the stereotypes of the domineering and abusive male, whether it be father/husband are sadly a painful and ubiquitous reality in my family's culture. My sister currently is suffering in an abusive relationship with her husband. and despite the fact that we have actual pictures and photographs of the ACTUAL scars and bruises all over my sister's body from the last episode where her husband assaulted her and battered her (just last week), she still genuinely insists that he loves her and gets mad at me for even mildly insinuating that there's something wrong with how her husband treats her. At first I was honestly bewildered but doing a little research I find out that what my mother went through and what my sister is currently going through are so normal in abusive relationships that it's almost a cliche these days in abusive psychology counseling and circles.

I'm glad however that you're strong enough to ditch this abusive person, honeslty it makes me genuinely happy that another person found the strength to free themselves from abuse and found their own path. It gives me hope that my sister will one day realize that she also has the power and reason to free herslf and find her own path

i haven't ditched him yet, in fact today we spent a long time working in the garden. but even though it seemed like a normal happy day building something committal and eventually fruitful, i knew the whole time it was not going to be like that. i guess that's where it becomes clear i'm not planning to stay.

from an outside perspective it's so obvious, but on the inside it is so hard to see. you're very right about the psychology of abuse and your sister--i hope she starts to slowly hear what you are saying. she's lucky to have you as a brother

thanks salad!! i'll be sure to check it out