Establishing A Social Network To Meet A Partner

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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Aug 2019, 1:43 pm

So now even the dog size is genderized.

red_doghubb
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09 Aug 2019, 1:48 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

So now even the dog size is genderized.

Let's put it this way: I do a lot of work with dogs and my experience is that most guys with small dogs are not the sole owner. So that's in the back of my mind when I see one.

The Grand Inquisitor
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09 Aug 2019, 6:09 pm

XFilesGeek wrote:

Adopt a small, cute, fluffy dog, and bring it with you when you go out.

Women love cute things, and will want to pet it. It's a great conversation starter.

I don't think my cat would appreciate that very much.

nick007
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09 Aug 2019, 8:01 pm

XFilesGeek wrote:

Adopt a small, cute, fluffy dog, and bring it with you when you go out.

Women love cute things, and will want to pet it. It's a great conversation starter.

That could work but you'd have to live in an area where it's acceptable to bring dogs places. Where I'm from lots of people have & love dogs but the dogs stay home inside or in the backyard. People never bring their dogs anywhere unless it's the vet, to a friend or family's place, going hunting/fishing/camping, or it's a seeing-eye-dog. No business will allow non service dogs & I heard stories of blind people being kicked out of restaurants & fast-food places for going in with a seeing-eye-dog. Things are very different where I live now thou. It's common to see people with non service dogs in various places like stores, banks, medical facilities, buses, & restaurants/fast-food places. Maybe it's because Vermont is aLOT more progressive than Louisiana.

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Mona Pereth
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09 Aug 2019, 11:37 pm

XFilesGeek wrote:

Adopt a small, cute, fluffy dog, and bring it with you when you go out..

Or perhaps a cute little kitten, if you prefer cats.

But don't adopt any animal if you have no fondness for them, or if you have executive functioning issues that would make it very hard for you to keep up the ongoing responsibility of caring for an animal.

XFilesGeek wrote:

Women love cute things, and will want to pet it. It's a great conversation starter.

For many, perhaps most women, but not all. (I have a phobia of dogs.)

On the other hand, if you do love dogs (or whatever kind of animal) and are capable of caring for them day after day after day after day, then I agree that they can be a great source of bonding with a potential romantic partner.

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rdos
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12 Aug 2019, 4:49 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

Have you considered making some videos demonstrating how to identify NDs in everyday life? That would indeed be a very useful skill, which no one else is teaching as far as I am aware.

I don't think it is as simple as that. The eye contact game might be something that can be described with words so people understand it, but I do this completely unconsciously and so it is not something I've learnt. It's just something I have done ever since I was a teenager without knowing why. I'm sure there are other aspects of it that I'm not at all aware of, or that might use mind-to-mind communication (or intuition if you like that word better).

I think the best advice is simply to be yourself, and the brain will activate your natural preferences. Sometimes this requires ignoring things we were taught and figuring out ourself how we function. In regards to forming a mind-to-mind communication link, I think the most important thing is that we actually use our inner dialog to "talk" to partners or potential partners, and when we suddenly get something from them from out of the blue, we should answer it instead of disregarding it as "not possible" or "this is not from them to me, rather something my brain dreamt about". After all, if you get something that might be from your partner or want-to-be partner, then there is no harm in using your inner dialouge to answer or discuss it. Nobody will ever know or think you are crazy. I think it is this realization that makes me detect this a lot more frequently now.

Mona Pereth
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12 Aug 2019, 3:15 pm

rdos wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

Have you considered making some videos demonstrating how to identify NDs in everyday life? That would indeed be a very useful skill, which no one else is teaching as far as I am aware.

If you're not even fully aware of it, then it's not something you can study. That being the case, what is your basis for concluding that your purely-nonverbal approach to relationships is the "natural" way for all or most autistic people?

I haven't seen anyone else say anything like this, either here on Wrong Planet or on any of the many blogs by autistic people that I've looked at over the past year and a half. At most, I've seen a few autistic bloggers say that they are better able than NTs to read the body language of (at least some) other autistic people. But that's a far cry from having or desiring a purely nonverbal approach to relationships.

rdos wrote:

I think the best advice is simply to be yourself, and the brain will activate your natural preferences. Sometimes this requires ignoring things we were taught and figuring out ourself how we function. In regards to forming a mind-to-mind communication link, I think the most important thing is that we actually use our inner dialog to "talk" to partners or potential partners, and when we suddenly get something from them from out of the blue, we should answer it instead of disregarding it as "not possible" or "this is not from them to me, rather something my brain dreamt about". After all, if you get something that might be from your partner or want-to-be partner, then there is no harm in using your inner dialouge to answer or discuss it. Nobody will ever know or think you are crazy. I think it is this realization that makes me detect this a lot more frequently now.

Okay, but there's also no good reason to avoid verbal communication, which is simpler and easier for most of those of us who are capable of it.

The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Aug 2019, 3:19 pm

red_doghubb wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

So now even the dog size is genderized.

Let's put it this way: I do a lot of work with dogs and my experience is that most guys with small dogs are not the sole owner. So that's in the back of my mind when I see one.

Actually in my experience, owners of small dogs usually get them because they have small apartments.

Prometheus18
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12 Aug 2019, 3:23 pm

Django Reinhardt was perhaps the greatest guitar player of all time, despite only having two functional fingers. Is it really that bad?

The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Aug 2019, 6:03 pm

Prometheus18 wrote:

Django Reinhardt was perhaps the greatest guitar player of all time, despite only having two functional fingers. Is it really that bad?

I can still play, but I'm just not motivated to play much anymore.

kraftiekortie
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12 Aug 2019, 6:09 pm

You would probably do better when you carry around a guitar. And even better if you play it decently.

Women absolutely flock to male guitar players----especially if they either do hard rock, or singer-songwriter type stuff.

You got half the battle won already. You have long hair and a beard. You LOOK like a guitar player.....

Prometheus18
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12 Aug 2019, 6:16 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Prometheus18 wrote:

Django Reinhardt was perhaps the greatest guitar player of all time, despite only having two functional fingers. Is it really that bad?

I can still play, but I'm just not motivated to play much anymore.

But motivation doesn't emerge spontaneously; could it be that you need to make the effort, even at the cost of discomfort, to start playing again, and then the motivation will come? Every learner has periods when he lacks motivation, so that if everybody gave up as soon as his motivation levels dropped, nobody would ever become competent in any area.

I think the common thread through many of your complaints, driving being another example, is a lack of willpower. Don't underestimate the importance of willpower; research (cf. Baumeister and Tierney) suggests that after IQ, willpower is the best predictor of future success. Perhaps even better.

Last edited by Prometheus18 on 12 Aug 2019, 6:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Aug 2019, 6:18 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I actually have short-medium hair and a long beard, but point taken.

The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Aug 2019, 3:29 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

Are you sure this still applies in his generation?

kraftiekortie
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13 Aug 2019, 5:08 am

Yep

rdos
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13 Aug 2019, 6:55 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

There are actually many things that point in that direction.

Mona Pereth wrote:

I haven't seen anyone else say anything like this, either here on Wrong Planet or on any of the many blogs by autistic people that I've looked at over the past year and a half. At most, I've seen a few autistic bloggers say that they are better able than NTs to read the body language of (at least some) other autistic people. But that's a far cry from having or desiring a purely nonverbal approach to relationships.

I think that is because many public figures in the autistic community are highly verbal, which actually is not representative of the collective as a whole. This is something you will notice on Aspie gatherings too. The highly verbal people will talk most of the time, and also are those who typically arrange things. However, if you study the collective as a whole, you will also notice that many are shy & introvert and talk very little.

My main inspiration have been myself, and I know I prefer to minimize talking in every context, and particularly in a relationship.

I'll give you a few hints why this is likely so for a majority:
1. Being shy and introvert both are strongly correlated to autism and being ND.
2. Autistic guys have a lot of trouble initiating verbal contact with girls they fancy.
3. Autistics and NDs have trouble talking about (and verbalizing) feelings.

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